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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found messages to another woman (retry)

84 replies

GobbyLino · 25/02/2018 21:54

Hello

I posted a thread yesterday that was reported and deleted. I guess maybe people thought it wasn't genuine. I have spoken to the mumsnet team and since I am still here you can assume I am genuine!

I wasn't sure whether to post again but honestly I'm just desperate for advice I have nobody to talk to apart from DH.

Yesterday I found messages on my DHs instagram to a woman that he knows asking for bikini pics of her. He sent them around 20 minutes after having sex with me and I was on the phone to him, cooking him some lunch at the time.

We have had problems recently due to my mental health but I thought things were getting better. I am also pregnant with our first child together. (I have one child from a previous relationship).

I didn't approach it with him yesterday but told him I'd had a feeling and asked if there was anything going on. He said no.

It was eating away at me so today I confessed what I'd done and what I'd seen. It's blown up in my face. He's really angry that I snooped and has said he's going to change his passwords. He says he wasn't cheating and that there's context I don't know about but he's not going to explain himself because I was wrong for looking on his instagram and not believing him. He's said I've now changed the dynamics of our relationship and what do we even have now as I don't trust him and he can't trust me to not snoop.

I don't understand how we've got here. I know it's wrong to snoop and it's never something I would usually do I just couldn't shake that feeling in my stomach. I didn't confront him in an angry way I started out saying I'd done something that I shouldn't have and I told him calmly.

I don't know what to do from here?

OP posts:
FlippingFoal · 25/02/2018 22:47

Do you really have MH issues or is it his gaslighting you that makes you feel that way? My ex totally convinced me that I had problems and I ended up on medication and extremely anxious. When I dumped him my mental health issues suddenly disappeared. That's the problem with gaslighters - they make you question your own sanity....

Historicallyinaccurate · 25/02/2018 22:48

So his sole crime is as,img a woman for wank materials?
Why, do you think that's acceptable @NotTheFordType?

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/02/2018 22:51

his sole crime is asking a woman for wanking materials

Yes, poor hen pecked little sweetheart, 20
minutes after shagging his pregnant girlfriend he just needed a little jolly from another woman, what’s the poor soul done wrong?

Shouting at his pregnant girlfriend for finding out and manipulating her into feeling in the wrong was really the only option after his horrible ordeal too.

NotTheFordType · 25/02/2018 22:54

Err, beause he's entitled to wank over whatever he wants?

kevinkeeganlovesme · 25/02/2018 22:56

Oooooooh I think we have one of those 'cool' girlfriends in the thread. (Or a male or a troll.)

notapizzaeater · 25/02/2018 22:57

he's now on the defence and blaming you to deflect from him.

taffett · 25/02/2018 23:00

@NotTheFordType
Seriously. Would you like it if your dp (if you have one) to be messaging other women asking them to send him pictures of themselves so he can wank over it then gaslight you when you found out HmmHmm

Historicallyinaccurate · 25/02/2018 23:01

@NotTheFordType and you don't think it's disrespectful to his pregnant partner that he's actually requesting these directly? Bit different from looking at random pics on the net.

ugghhreally · 25/02/2018 23:01

He is deflecting. There is no excuse for what he did. The fact you found the messages demonstrates you did (do) have something to worry about.

His reaction simply compounds matters and shows he doesn't respect you at all.

Original poster
GobbyLino · 25/02/2018 23:12

Well I have an 'explanation' from him. Apparently it was an inside joke and she knew as much. Apparently she's also a lesbian now. How that's relevant I don't know.

OP posts:
Bumdishcloths · 25/02/2018 23:13

Total bollocks - on no occasion has anything like this ever been innocent. Gaslighting at its finest.

Risen · 25/02/2018 23:16

..In the context of being a sleaze bucket. What a prick!

Risen · 25/02/2018 23:18

Apparently she's also a lesbian now. How that's relevant I don't know

Don't believe it; he's just tryna throw you off the scent. And even if she was; it doesn't make him less guilty.

TatianaLarina · 25/02/2018 23:43

Tell him grow up and come back when he’s ready to tell you the truth.

Beelzebop · 26/02/2018 01:17

OP, he has behaved dreadfully towards you. Please don't think that you are pathetic, or at fault for having mental health issues. After reading his "excuse" whether or not it is an in joke is irrelevant imho. The whole sequence of events is grubby, the fact that he went from you to that is just not right . As for wanking, that's a good and normal thing, but the timing is just weirdly disrespectful to you. And it's not just a standard tickle is it? He has interacted with and knows this person in some way. Surely requesting the stuff is part of the thrill and therefore a sexual two- way interaction ? So it's not just a wank.
As for whether she fancies him or not that's also irrelevant. Everything he has said is therefore clearly untrue or totally irrelevant and does not excuse him in anyway. In fact, it's worse because he's now lying and blaming you for his behaviour.
Try and distance yourself a bit and watch his behaviour. Would you be upset for a friend if it was happening to them? I only suggest this because I am trying to sort out a possible gaslighting situation myself and it is helping me. Hope you're ok.

Beelzebop · 26/02/2018 01:18

Sorry I waffles, but I am annoyed for you.

Terfinater · 26/02/2018 02:05

Forget the messages for a moment.

This is emotional abuse. And while you're pregnant, and away from any support. It's as old as time and once emotional abuse starts it doesn't stop. As Sandy said, you're in a terrible position.

I think unless you take serious action this is the way it's going to be. Even then you're always going to be fighting the chauvinism and the entitlement Are you in a position where you can go and stay with your family for a bit?

NotTheFordType · 26/02/2018 06:15

@taffett Well I usually message my dp after fucking someone else, and vice versa, to share the afterglow. So...

Op is pregnant. Are calls to LTB really helpful at this point?

On a different note, I really wish people would stop conflating gaslighting, which is a very specific form of emotional abuse, with "lying about something s/he knows partner won't like."

Historicallyinaccurate · 26/02/2018 06:18

@NotTheFordType hmm. Yes ford, but your situation is rather different to op, is it not?

NotTheFordType · 26/02/2018 06:20

Well yes, and I'm presuming so is yours and pretty much everyone on this thread. Hmm

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 06:27

It's really sleazy and disrespectful
Does he give you other reasons not to trust him?

Please get back in contact with your family if you csn and try to make some friends in the area. Not good to rely on just one person for everything especially when that person sounds like a knob.

Chippyway · 26/02/2018 07:17

Oh come on OP. He has got you EXACTLY where he wants you! And you’ve fallen for it! If I snooped and found what you found, when confronting my partner if he tried blaming me I would tell him to get the fuck out! The problem isn’t that you snooped the problem is him asking another woman for bikini pictures! You’re letting him blame you, where is your backbone?!?!

Inside joke? Lesbian? Reeeeally? Please say you don’t believe this shit. I’m honedtly cringing. I don’t mean to sound mean here but I don’t know what’s worse the fact he’s coming up with that stuff or the fact you’re not sticking up for yourself

Decent men don’t ask for bikini pictures from other women when married/in a relationship. It’s sleazy.

You need to find your backbone and some anger. He will do this again. He DOES NOT respect you.

But you’ll forgive him

Paperdoll16 · 26/02/2018 07:25

And this was 20 mins after being sexually intimate with you! It's not even like the usual pathetic excuse that they weren't getting that attention etc..

You slipped off to make him some lunch after sexually pleasing him and he's requesting bikini pics from another woman. And it's somehow your fault!** Confused

sadiesnakes · 26/02/2018 07:41

Ford- Sex work is completely unrelated to Ops situation, her Dh is basically cheating. I have no idea why you'd even try comparing the two?Hmm And you're also delusional to think he's not gas lighting her at the very least?

taffett · 26/02/2018 08:34

@NotTheFordType ok so you and your dp are in agreement that this is acceptable for you both, neither of you are doing it in secret which is the big difference here.

The fact op is pregnant is even more reason to ltb. Surely she has family she can stay with, this man has no respect for her. Imagine the stress she is going through by being pregnant and THEN having to deal with this loser. How is that helping her or her baby's wellbeing.

when she confronted him he blamed her and tried to turn it around onto her making her think that it's her fault and doubting her own sanity, considering whether she has mental health problems. If you're not gonna agree with anything else I say (which is fine) surely you must agree he is atleast gaslighting her?