I found messages to another woman (retry)

[GobbyLino]

Hello

I posted a thread yesterday that was reported and deleted. I guess maybe people thought it wasn't genuine. I have spoken to the mumsnet team and since I am still here you can assume I am genuine!

I wasn't sure whether to post again but honestly I'm just desperate for advice I have nobody to talk to apart from DH.

Yesterday I found messages on my DHs instagram to a woman that he knows asking for bikini pics of her. He sent them around 20 minutes after having sex with me and I was on the phone to him, cooking him some lunch at the time.

We have had problems recently due to my mental health but I thought things were getting better. I am also pregnant with our first child together. (I have one child from a previous relationship).

I didn't approach it with him yesterday but told him I'd had a feeling and asked if there was anything going on. He said no.

It was eating away at me so today I confessed what I'd done and what I'd seen. It's blown up in my face. He's really angry that I snooped and has said he's going to change his passwords. He says he wasn't cheating and that there's context I don't know about but he's not going to explain himself because I was wrong for looking on his instagram and not believing him. He's said I've now changed the dynamics of our relationship and what do we even have now as I don't trust him and he can't trust me to not snoop.

I don't understand how we've got here. I know it's wrong to snoop and it's never something I would usually do I just couldn't shake that feeling in my stomach. I didn't confront him in an angry way I started out saying I'd done something that I shouldn't have and I told him calmly.

I don't know what to do from here?

Sounds like he is trying to twist things into making uou the bad guy. Theres jo excuse ror asking another woman for bikini pics, and just after sex with you too! Dont let him make you be the fall guy for him being found out for being a lying snake

Thank you for your messages. I don't really know what gas lighting is btw?!

Things are still shit. He's still pissed off. He seems to think I should feel grateful that he gave me an explanation even though he didn't feel he should. He has said he can understand it may seem inappropriate and he didn't think it through but that it wasn't cheating as they both knew it was a joke. To be honest if he hadn't added in the fact that she was a lesbian I might believe him more but to me that fact is so irrelevant that he could only have included it to try and steer me away from the truth.

Hes annoyed that I appear to be holding feelings about things and not speaking up. But I don't speak up because whenever I do I end up being the one apologising.

I understand why people are telling me to leave but I don't know how I could right now. I'm probably holding on to the hope that we will get back what we had before I got pregnant. I've never loved anybody like I love him.

. It’s not you it’s him. Don’t you allow him to make you feel bad. Be strong op. Tell him straight that you find asking for pictures from anyone other than you completely inappropriate. Tell him what you expect and don’t allow him to turn it around on you. If it is so innocent ask him to call the girl and put her on loud speaker so you can all have a chat about the private joke. If a couple are in a committed relationship and they haven’t agreed to an open one then he should not be sending any messages or pictures or requests that you would be upset about. If it was all innocent then he shouldn’t be cross he should be mortified that it upset you. I won’t say ltb it’s your life but you do need to stand up for yourself or he will continue to do this -I know

He is 100% trying to manipulate you. He’s trying to turn it around on you so that you look like the paranoid weirdo who is causing drama in the relationship.
You have done nothing wrong. No one would snoop on their partners phone if they didn’t have reason to.
I understand that it’s not really possible to leave him right now, but if I were in your shoes I would be acting incredibly cool with him as though I couldn’t care less about anything he has to say now, and i’d be beginning to think about leaving him at the earliest opportunity (or asking him to leave if it’s your house). It’s incredibly scary but the alternative is to stay with a deceitful, manipulative bully who would rather make his pregnant partner think she’s insane than face up to the truth and apologise for his revolting behaviour

Hi OP. Sorry about situation. Hes got you in a vunerable position hasnt he - no family around, pregnant, scared to leave him. Basically he can get away with murder and youll stay with him. He's an asshole and a bully. I think if you stay with him, it'll get worse. Asking for pictures is the beginning - when you have a newborn, do you think he might be faithful, when hes already behaving like this now? I hope to god for your sake (because you wont leave him) he changes OP. But i would do research of what sort of help you can get/speak to family to see if they can help. Good luck.

He has said he can understand it may seem inappropriate and he didn't think it through but that it wasn't cheating as they both knew it was a joke. To be honest if he hadn't added in the fact that she was a lesbian I might believe him more

Oh my god

OP I cannot believe any bone in your body accepts the shit he’s coming out with! No man asks another woman for bikini photos as an “inside joke” - they ask them because they’re a sleaze and they have no respect for their partner. It doesn’t matter whether she’s a lesbian or not, if he was a decent partner/father he wouldn’t be doing it.

He is full of shit. You want the happy ending and you’re too scared to rock the boat so you’ll apologise like a good girl and let it all go because that’s where he’s got you. I think the word abusive gets thrown around far too much on here but I do think that’s exactly what he is. He knows you’re vulnerable and pregnant, he knows you’ll apologise for your ‘mistake’ of snooping. And he’ll continue to get away with everything because you’ll allow that to happen.

He does not respect you. Even whilst pregnant with his child. Why are you so desperate to keep that sort of man around??

It's NOT an inside joke.
She is NOT a lesbian.

He's a liar, a cheat, and is gaslighting you for all he's worth.
And deep down, you know all this.

He said she’s a lesbian??!! What? He’s a total asshole. Even if she was a lesbian, it doesn’t excuse what he did. What he did is totally wrong. Don’t let him sideline or distract you with anger about you snooping. He’s angry because he got caught. You were justified in snooping! He’s no good. This is is the thing you know about. What else has he done that you don’t know about? You can’t trust him and you should make moves to get rid of him

If she is a lesbian (which I doubt) it's still horrible, and disrespectful to her and you. What was her response to the creepy messages?

But I don't speak up because whenever I do I end up being the one apologising

Why? You need to develop a backbone asap.

Totally disrespectful it's clear that he doesn't give a shit about your feelings , fuck him off OP. If he behaves like this now , it will only get worse. Sending you strength xxx

Your husband is a sleaze OP and a bully to boot; I'd imagine what you have discovered is the tip of the iceberg; he's now angry at you for finding him out which is truly laughable; up to you but I'd not want to be having sex with a man that is getting sexual kicks from other women.

@NotTheFordType You are soooo cool, I bet every guy just dreams of having a wife as cool as you, how lucky is your “dp” to have you! Seriously....fuck the fuck off. Clearly the op’s relationship is not like yours so what good are you really doing on this thread? You’re parading about in some kind of “I’m the best wife ever, I’m so cool and down with him wanking over other women” garb and yes just massively unhelpful. You are the worst kind of posters on this site. You come on this thread, read that the op is unhappy about her dp’s behaviour and you twist the knife. It’s like your massively over compensating...have you been forced into an open relationship or been cheated on and convinced yourself you’re fine with it? Because that’s how you come across.

Op; I’m sorry you’re going through this, his “explanation” is awful. How far along are you?

@Wellfuckmeinbothears agree 100%. It was a bitchy, spiteful and goady post. Honestly I think Mumsnet should move to temporarily ban posters like this and if they keep being unpleasant permanently ban them.

Thank you @kevinkeeganlovesme

It just annoyed me to see such an unhelpful, boastful post to an upset pregnant woman.

@NotTheFordType You are soooo cool, I bet every guy just dreams of having a wife as cool as you, how lucky is your “dp” to have you! Seriously....fuck the fuck off

Idiot above.

@Wellfuckmeinbothears

I'm not twisting any knives, and I'm afraid you're not the forum police and don't get to tell any posters which threads they can or cannot share their opinions on.

IMO your insistence that OP should split from her partner, when she has no suspicions that he's done anything more than wank over an acquaintance, is massively unhelpful. Far, far more so than me giving my opinion on acceptable behaviour within relationships.

I haven’t insisted on anything. Can you show me where I’ve insisted on that?

And no, I’m not the forum police. Clearly, wanking over an acquaintance 20 minutes after having sex with her is unacceptable to the op and to many, many other posters. If it didn’t bother her she wouldn’t have posted. Coming on here and gloating that you’d be fine with it is not helpful.

I'm 8 months pregnant. I know a lot of people have said I have no back bone and maybe it's true. I feel completely broken at the moment we are just recovering from all the stress my mental health problems caused. This pregnancy was so wanted but it's been so difficult and now he's told me he doesn't want to go through it again because I've been so irrational and difficult even though he wants more children and so do I. We're still rebuilding and now this has happened and I don't feel strong I just want things to go back to what they were. My child loves him and calls him dad.

I usually don't speak up because somehow whatever I'm feeling ends up sounding stupid and I end up feeling that actually it's me in the wrong and I end up apologising. Maybe I'm not great at putting my point across (you can probably tell from my rambling lol)

To clarify she didn't actually send pictures so there was no wanking. Well there wasn't any wanking over pics of her at least.

Just remember OP, HE changed the dynamics of your relationship when he began sniffing around other women; all you did is follow your gut, which turned out to be 100% correct, I am sorry, but I think there's a lot more you don't even know about.

If you allow him to once again beat you down and make you feel it's you who has caused the mistrust, you will never win, time to stick up for yourself.

the stress your mental health issues have caused WTAF!!! You’ve been ill, you’re also 8 months pregnant - he should be looking after you and helping you through this period! Why are you blaming yourself or has he blamed you?

hes blamed you for changing the dynamics of the relationship another from me! You didn’t change anything! HE did asking a woman for bikini pics when he’s in a relationship with you

I just don't know how to speak to him and get my point across anymore. I've tried to speak to him today about the fact that I feel like my feelings don't matter and I don't have a voice as whatever I feel I end up just apologising and going along with what he says. He brang up the fact that I was unable to deal with his feelings when I was unwell and that he put his feelings aside to help me which is true. He then asked me to name the times I put my feelings aside to consider his feelings and I didn't want to answer as I felt he was just setting me up to be ridiculed.

It's exhausting and I don't know how this can be resolved any more. He's talking about cancelling his birthday plans (I've arranged to have his family and friends over and my DC has helped plan everything and is really excited about it) because he doesn't want to have to pretend to enjoy himself.

Unless he's an incredibly famous fashion photographer that we all would recognize, he's taking you for a fool. Gaslighting 101.

LTB.

I just don't know how to speak to him and get my point across anymore. I've tried to speak to him today about the fact that I feel like my feelings don't matter and I don't have a voice as whatever I feel I end up just apologising and going along with what he says. He brang up the fact that I was unable to deal with his feelings when I was unwell and that he put his feelings aside to help me which is true. He then asked me to name the times I put my feelings aside to consider his feelings and I didn't want to answer as I felt he was just setting me up to be ridiculed. In a loving balanced relationship nobody puts anything aside. Sure, sometimes one party needs help or support more than the other but you do that because you love and care about them. He is trying to make you believe that your and your needs always come above his due to your mental health issues, so you will let this go and stop questioning him. He wants your default position to be feeling too guilty to ask him anything as then he can get away with whatever he wants.

It's exhausting and I don't know how this can be resolved any more. He's talking about cancelling his birthday plans (I've arranged to have his family and friends over and my DC has helped plan everything and is really excited about it) because he doesn't want to have to pretend to enjoy himself. Let him! even say that you think its a great idea, how you agree he should not be celebrating given that he has been messaging other women while his wife is heavily pregnant. Im sure his family and friends would not want to be there either.

Honestly OP. I get it, you are pregnant and think he is the world. He isn't. You feel after everything you have invested in the relationship, you would be mad to leave now. It is called the "sunk cost "fallacy and is responsible for umpteen unhappy relationships that plod along in complete misery for 20/40/60 years and then suddenly you are dead and have been sad the entire time. Is that what you want your kids to see and think is ok in a relationship?

You really do need to get out of this. Kick him out. Claim benefits and within a week he will be cocklodging with someboody else. But you also need to work on your self esteem as it really sounds like you do not have any.

God, I hate this guy.