Moving on after affair

[anonymouser]

So, I have never done this before, so apologies if I mess it all up, but my thoughts are driving me nuts, and I have no outlet.

Long story short, my husband had an affair with a woman at work. Not a drunken one-nighter or a steamy hot sex affair, but a "I have fallen in love, we have planned holidays abroad, kids, and been looking for somewhere to live together" affair. An affair that resulted in him asking me for a divorce 2 days before Christmas. I love him with all my heart, and I fought. I forgave him, begged him to reconsider, put all my feelings aside, and did all I could, to show him how much he meant to me and our 4 year old, and it worked, he broke up with her and came back home - something one might think was a joyous occasion, sadly, it is all but.

He told me, that although he loved me, he also had feelings (not love) for her, and asked that I gave him some room so he could get his head straight, which I gave him - And now, he is living his life as though nothing has happened, and I am one big hot mess.

Everything hurts. The fact that he told her he was miserable here, that he never loved me like he did her, that he has discussed our private life with her and so on kills me. The fact that they were talking kids (and the fact that after being ill, I can't give him anymore kids) is tearing me apart. The fact that he was together with someone else .. well, it destroys me.

And I am scared, scared of asking if he is still unhappy, in case he says yes and leaves, scared of asking whether they still talk, because I know she stills texts him and calls him, and does everything she can to put me in bad light. I am scared of asking if he loves me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not interested in an unhappy relationship. If he truly loved her, and was unhappy here, I wouldn't stand in their way, however much it hurt me. But I also know him, I know he doesn't just fall into love, I know that our relationship was becoming unhealthy before, seeing as we were both in sorrow after losing a pregnancy and learning that I will never be pregnant again, and my grief didn't leave a lot of room for him. The more he gave me room to be sad, the more I felt I was alone with it all and started to shut him out. On top of that, we have no family, so we never go on dates, or have grown up time apart from the hour between LO being tucked in, and us passing out in the couch. We did a lot of things wrong wrong in our relationship, and we forgot each other, but we were always best friends - We just forgot the passion. He has also said him self, that he was blinded by the excitement, by another woman who wanted him, even though it was wrong. And I never said a bad word against her, or them, I never asked him to leave her, I only asked that he took a moment to rethink, to feel, to find out whether he really loved her, or just needed the love and attention that he was lacking from home, and that I was ready to give.

I am fighting for our relationship, fighting for our family, trying to protect LO from the chaos, doing everything I can to get back to where we were, to forgive and move on, but I can't stop the thoughts. Whenever he touches me, whether he touched her, whenever he says he loves me, whether he said he loved her, whether I made the right choice, or should I have let him go and be happy and have kids with her, whether he is here because he loves me, or out of duty to our family. I promised my self to trust him, not read his texts, or call work to see if he actually is there, but to trust what he says and give him a chance. But I still doubt, I still feel sick to the stomach whenever he is home a little later than normal, or says he is dropping a colleague off on his way home. And I just don't know what to do.

I am so sorry for the long post - I am just hoping, praying, the someone out there will have the patience to read this, who has been here, who can give a few words of advice, or perhaps just a virtual hug .. Because I am drowning my self in self hatred, in not being good enough, in being wrong to have the thoughts I have - And I feel alone.

Here you are OP. I have researched affairs for many months. I am a betrayed spouse and needed answers but mine left me. Btw when people tell you it was nothing you did, it's true. It's something lacking in them as to why they cheat. I used to think it was bs but after reading the research I believe it. What they should have done is talk about their unhappiness but they usually don't. Anyway have a read:

Affairs

Affair chemicals:

http://brainworldmagazine.com/flame-addiction-neuroscience-infidelity/

Limerence:

http://loverelations.co.uk/the-limerence-affair/

Why Happy People Cheat

https://www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/

Dr Harley

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042qa.htmll__
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His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive_
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https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0800759362/ref=cmm_swrrcpapiibW-JAb6AQYXZ6

John Gottman:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/JohnGottmann__
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https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotess__/

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0752837265/ref=cmm_swrrcpapii_7W-JAbCHTPC9X

So, in other words, no matter what I do, I am screwed?

I understand the "high" an affair gives, I understand that once tasted, it is hard to go "back" to a relationship without the excitement and so on. But it has to be doable .. right?

I am sorry yours left you

Sorry but I think you are doing this all wrong; he has had zero consequence, he is not your best friend, he betrayed you in the worst possible way and had the audacity to discuss his love for another woman with you!

I have zero tolerance for any person who thinks it's ok to go screw someone else; he came back to you probably out of convenience, rather than his love and passion for you; he's there under duress and is still in contact with the OW.

Up to you OP, if you do nothing, this will carry on or he will find another wiling lady to give him the excitement he seems to desire so badly.

Kick him out, show him you are worth a lot more than the crumbs he is throwing your way, get angry OP, you seem insistent on saving this sham of a marriage rather than saving yourself.

Only way this is doable OP, is if you get rid, show him you are not a pushover and show him that now he's free, perhaps other women are not so exciting and inviting as he first thought.

Angry on your behalf!

And it's not you who is not good enough, it's all HIM, see it for what it is, you are not a victim here, unless you allow him to completely destroy your self esteem.

Also, your post is all about him and his needs; where in all of this has he even considered yours?

I've been in a similar situation more than once. After a number of sexual affrairs I left dp but returned after a 2 year split.
Unfortuantly it didn't stop there. I too have found messages proclaiming love and some really nasty things about me which were very obviously not true. He assures me he just tells woman what they want to here to get them into bed. I do find this slightly comforting (Is It possible your dp could have done the same? Can you tell your self this to help recover from the situation?)
It's now been 18 years and I'm still finding dirty texts on his phone.
I've tried to move on after every incident. It's hard to explain but I have a number of reasons for staying. However I've never gotten over it. It constantly festers inside me. Every single betrayal was like a large chunk out of my soul. Every time I was feeling down I'd think of the horrible things he'd done to me. Everytime he touched me id think of him with other woman and my skin would crawl. I didnt believe a word he said and the trust had compleatly gone. I felt like a shadow of my former self and that he had literally reuined my life. I went to see a councillor and told her i didnt want to leave but it was killing me. she told me my dp was a womanizer but he had chosen to be with me and obviously loved me as he had stayed for 18 years. She said if i could accept that it was just about sex I would be able to live with the situation as it was. She told me I had to stop dwelling on the betrayal and stop punishing myself.
I will admit I still struggle. It' hard to accept it all.
I don't agree when people automatically advise you to leave as its not always the best option and some people do manage to move on from affairs.
From reading your post I do wonder if you will be able to move on. You and your four year old have a right to be happy and you need to ask your self if your are ever going to he able to be happy with this man ever again and if the relationship is worth all this hurt.
I would advise you to get some councilling. If you tell your councillor you want to stay in the relationship they will be able to help with the feelings of betrayal and mistrust.
Sorry I've waffeled on a bit.

You can only move on from affairs if the person is truly remorseful, no longer contacts the OW or OM ever (which means changing job sometimes), and you work through it together. It would be over for me the moment he asked for time and headspace to work out what he wanted.

Op you need to have some self respect.

If this was your daughter in 20 years time, what would you be telling her to do?

He doesn't deserve the happy family. He screwed that up when he started screwing her.

So sorry this happened to you

There's absolutely nothing stopping this from happening again. She's even still in contact with him! He should have put an immediate stop to that.

You need to find your anger. He has betrayed you in the worst way. It wasn't a moment of madness. I think you need to kick him out - it will be so much easier to cope if you are the one making the decision to end the relationship rather than have him end it.

He's not doing what it takes to make it work. She's sticking her oar in. He's not stopping her. This relationship is doomed, I'm afraid.

Ironically the only way it could be saved is if you kicked him out and showed him what he would be missing. Don't be his friend. Don't chat about anything. Meet him at the door and don't let him in. When he knows what he's missing, he might well try to come back. Whether you'll want him back by then is another matter.

I don't agree when people automatically advise you to leave as its not always the best option and some people do manage to move on from affairs.

Why not? Look what you have just said, you are still finding dirty texts on your OHs phone and basically living with it, no man is worth that, you should value yourself more and stop allowing another human to put you through absolute hell and continues to do so, that's not he answer either.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Time may be a healer but you need to meet each other half way. Do you both want to invest 100% to make it work? If you aren't happy then he probably isn't either.

I think your pain and fear is ruling you. You’re desperate to stop him going, but frankly he sounds like a piece of shit, not a prize. I hope you eventually come round to thinking that you need to get rid of him. You can’t move on from this if he’s not really sorry and he’s just pretending nothing ever happened.

Adora:

Well, the only thing "doable" doesn't really work, when the result is a divorce that I don't want ..

I get that he mucked up, and that's his problem, I do! And I know that it isn't all my fault.

But what I am trying to say, is, that I have made a choice, to forgive and move on. But somehow I have managed to forgive him .. and not me.

You are right, he went out, mucked up, and came back without consequence. But I don't know how else to handle it. I am not interested in leaving him, or giving him a hard time, we all make mistakes, right? And yes, I am trying to see his needs, because although them not being met doesn't justify an affair, they are, at least partially, the reason it occurred.

He IS though, still, my best friend. In my heart and soul. He may have done a wrong thing, but he told me, he apologised, and he was honest. That's gotta count for something ..

My issue, at the moment at least, is learning to deal with my end, not his. Because it's not the fact that he was with someone else that hurts most, it's the feeling of humiliation from her, it's the things she wrote when she (unwisely) texted me, and, above all else, my own insecurity. It's not understanding, seeing as I could never do what he did. It's the feeling that he chose to come back and give us another chance, and I am the one ruining our chances by not being able to let go.

Sorry OP, I never said a word about divorce, my angle is consequences for actions, no matter your age, self preservation also in not allowing another human to treat you like nothing.

If he's truly remorseful why the contact with her still? He sounds really pathetic and seems to think you're a shoulder to cry on when he shat all over your vows.

At least separate and give it time, time to see if he's for real and also time for you to recover, love yourself and then see if he is worth another chance, he certainly doesn't sound like it.

Again, your post is all about him and how great he is; I think you are completely blindsighted and are making it all to easy for him to either carry on with this OW or start up another affair.

Best friend? Who needs enemies if that's what you class as a bestie.

He was honest? Not when he was screwing OW. He was honest because he wanted to cry on your shoulder about his feelings for her, Jesus OP, find your anger.

Iwantamarshmellow (I have no idea how you guys "tag" who you are responding to, sorry)

Thank you, for waffling on, at least I am not the only one who does it!

You are right, I choose to believe that he said a lot of stuff because it is what she wanted to hear. And it does help - Sometimes ..

But, as you say, the feeling just lingers, and it's hard to shut it down. And in this case, I can't just say "it was for sex", because it wasn't.

I am sorry to hear about your relationship, but thank you for sharing, and letting me know that I am not the only idiot who believes in staying.

I am not the only idiot who believes in staying.

You shouldn't have and should not go anywhere OP, he should.

Remaincalm:

I think this is a big part of my issue. After many talks, when he said that he would break it off with her and come back home, he said that he was doing so because he wanted our marriage to work, and he wanted to work on it. That it wasn't going to be easy, and that it would take some time, but if I was willing to fight, so was he. Therefore, I believe he does want it 100%.

I know I want it 100%, but I feel as though I am not giving 100% because I can't shake the thoughts. That I am not being open and putting my self out there enough, for fear of getting hurt, and that this in turn is reading on his side as me not wanting to work for it .. does that even make sense?

I am not a very open person, I am almost always guarded, and he .. is not. He is the kind of guy that farted within a month of our relation, and I have yet to do so before him. He is relaxed around nakedness and sex, and I prefer to turn of lights and cover my self with sheets. And this is part of the reason why we were drifting apart before - He felt rejected by me, because he would come with all his love and affection, and I would give him a peck on the nose. But bloody hell its hard to crawl out of that shell, when everything I was so afraid of, is exactly what happened ..

It’s not a popular thing on here to stay after an affair OP. Most advise is to leave. I agree you probably need space from him. I m now back with my OH after his emotional affair with a colleague. He has made changes. He’s changed office, has talked honestly about how sorry he is and shown remorse. What worked for me was getting him to move out for 5 months. I needed this time to be come to terms with what has gone on and for him to get a taste of what he stood to lose. It has been hard but I don’t think we’d be where we are today without this space. There is still a lot to work on and we both acknowledge this. I wish you all the best and understand how much you must be hurting.

you will be setting yourself up for more of this if he has no consequence. In his mind you have forgiven him with little effort on his part. Result for him. Not for you.

Wow it sounds like everything has only just happened so you are bound to be raw and confused.
Be kind to yourself first and foremost. Get him to take responibility for his child and go away for a couple of days to gain perspective.

Tell him about the impact his current attitude is having ask him why he choose to come back. If he doesnt love you you need to know.
If he does he needs to take responsibility and realise that he is in the wrong as his reaction to your illness just sounds like that of a spoilt child and does not justify his behaviour.
Unless you want to end up in a constant cycle of betrayal be decisive and clear about your expectations begining with completely cutting off the other woman.

Adora:

Sorry, my mistake. Although I think for me, it's all the same. Should I choose to leave him (or kick him out, whichever which way) it would have to be for good. I cannot tell my son that daddy is not going to be living with us anymore, and then just invite him back in. My parents got divorced when I was 4, and I wanted nothing more than for them to get back together. What if it didn't work out the second time around? And I would be left with a boy constantly waiting for his daddy to come home, again.

I have been angry, but admittedly not very much with him. I have been angry at the situation, angry at her .. but I am not a very angry person. I am rather more an understanding person who can put my self in any ones shoes, for good or for worse - In this situation probably mostly for the worse ..

Until you stop taking the blame for HIS disgusting behaviour then he will always have the control and upper hand; you seem to think this is all your fault and it really isn't.

Your brain is telling you not to give all to him, that's right OP because probably deep down you know he's not 100% committed to you.

rather more an understanding person who can put my self in any ones shoes, for good or for worse

Sorry OP there is your downfall, you have shown him you will forgive whatever shit he throws your way, that's his green light.

I will bow out now because I don't think my comments are helping you, best of luck though, I wish you well and I really hope you find your anger soon.

Juststopit

No, I can see that ..

He is moving office as of the 1st of next month, in a different city as well, well away from her, so at least that is going right.

I think though there is a problem with space as neither of us have a large network, and therefore he would have no where to go (and nor do I, as I on top of all this found out my sister knew, and was encouraging him, so she is no longer part of my life). And it wouldn't be for long as LO (on here referred to as DS) needs his daddy around.

But have you been able to get past the doubt? And the hurt? I know it's a long road ahead, and I know none of it will be easy - But at least if there is some hope ahead?

It doesn't sound like he came back to you if his own accord, but that you heavily pressured him. People don't make the same decisions they otherwise may in those situations.

I am NOT one for saying someone has cheated you must divorce. It depends on so much. But the cheater must be remorseful. Communication needs to be constant. He needs no contact with OW and to tell you absolutely everything about if she is messaging etc. You said you begged him, so it's no wonder he's acting as normal. He'll think he's doing you a favour coming back.

I don't see this going well for you, I think he will go back to her or someone else because the foundations sound incredibly shaky. I'm sorry OP but I don't want you to cling on to it all turning out OK. The signs aren't there.

Oh and stop being angry at her. He deserves your anger. He's the one who has come home to you every night and been a lying, deceitful bastard. Don't waste your energy on her, she's nothing. Forget her, a lot of OW get gratification from still being the centre of attention even when kicked out of the triangle.