Moving on after affair

[anonymouser]

So, I have never done this before, so apologies if I mess it all up, but my thoughts are driving me nuts, and I have no outlet.

Long story short, my husband had an affair with a woman at work. Not a drunken one-nighter or a steamy hot sex affair, but a "I have fallen in love, we have planned holidays abroad, kids, and been looking for somewhere to live together" affair. An affair that resulted in him asking me for a divorce 2 days before Christmas. I love him with all my heart, and I fought. I forgave him, begged him to reconsider, put all my feelings aside, and did all I could, to show him how much he meant to me and our 4 year old, and it worked, he broke up with her and came back home - something one might think was a joyous occasion, sadly, it is all but.

He told me, that although he loved me, he also had feelings (not love) for her, and asked that I gave him some room so he could get his head straight, which I gave him - And now, he is living his life as though nothing has happened, and I am one big hot mess.

Everything hurts. The fact that he told her he was miserable here, that he never loved me like he did her, that he has discussed our private life with her and so on kills me. The fact that they were talking kids (and the fact that after being ill, I can't give him anymore kids) is tearing me apart. The fact that he was together with someone else .. well, it destroys me.

And I am scared, scared of asking if he is still unhappy, in case he says yes and leaves, scared of asking whether they still talk, because I know she stills texts him and calls him, and does everything she can to put me in bad light. I am scared of asking if he loves me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not interested in an unhappy relationship. If he truly loved her, and was unhappy here, I wouldn't stand in their way, however much it hurt me. But I also know him, I know he doesn't just fall into love, I know that our relationship was becoming unhealthy before, seeing as we were both in sorrow after losing a pregnancy and learning that I will never be pregnant again, and my grief didn't leave a lot of room for him. The more he gave me room to be sad, the more I felt I was alone with it all and started to shut him out. On top of that, we have no family, so we never go on dates, or have grown up time apart from the hour between LO being tucked in, and us passing out in the couch. We did a lot of things wrong wrong in our relationship, and we forgot each other, but we were always best friends - We just forgot the passion. He has also said him self, that he was blinded by the excitement, by another woman who wanted him, even though it was wrong. And I never said a bad word against her, or them, I never asked him to leave her, I only asked that he took a moment to rethink, to feel, to find out whether he really loved her, or just needed the love and attention that he was lacking from home, and that I was ready to give.

I am fighting for our relationship, fighting for our family, trying to protect LO from the chaos, doing everything I can to get back to where we were, to forgive and move on, but I can't stop the thoughts. Whenever he touches me, whether he touched her, whenever he says he loves me, whether he said he loved her, whether I made the right choice, or should I have let him go and be happy and have kids with her, whether he is here because he loves me, or out of duty to our family. I promised my self to trust him, not read his texts, or call work to see if he actually is there, but to trust what he says and give him a chance. But I still doubt, I still feel sick to the stomach whenever he is home a little later than normal, or says he is dropping a colleague off on his way home. And I just don't know what to do.

I am so sorry for the long post - I am just hoping, praying, the someone out there will have the patience to read this, who has been here, who can give a few words of advice, or perhaps just a virtual hug .. Because I am drowning my self in self hatred, in not being good enough, in being wrong to have the thoughts I have - And I feel alone.

it's the feeling of humiliation fromher, it's the things she wrote when she (unwisely) texted me

And what did he do when she did that. His mistress had the audacity to text you. She did that because he's disrespected and badmouthed you to get. He doesn't have your back.

There's an imbalance in your marriage. You've given him the power ..and he who cares the least in a relationship has the most power

She called you a whale and his did he defend you?

You sound rather weak and would benefit from therapy.

You seem crippled by fear of not being with him. It comes across so clearly in your posts.... you seem petrified of the prospect.

Do you genuinely think you'll be together in 5/10 years time?

Pluck up the courage to ask if he's happy with you. If he loves you,

I'd rather get out of the marriage when I'm younger and have a better chance of starting over....it gets harder as you get older...more so for women.

You come across as fragile and it's not my intention to hurt you in any way....but from what you've said here...I don't see this marriage going the long haul. I'm sorry.

@anonymouser I feel so wretched for you. Such a sad state of affairs and you are trying so hard.

You seem to be over-justifying all of his wrong behaviour and burying it all deep inside you to just get by, hanging by a thread emotionally.

I really think that you must have some kind of counselling together, if he is going to acknowledge properly the damage he has caused and you are going to start to process your own emotions and what is actually best for you and your child in the long run.

It is a neutral starting point with a neutral observer who can take you both through getting out the other side of this mess in whichever direction that may be.

I am fighting for our relationship, fighting for our family, trying to protect LO from the chaos...

He didn't think about this before embarking on his affair did he

Not a drunken one-nighter or a steamy hot sex affair, but a "I have fallen in love, we have planned holidays abroad, kids, and been looking for somewhere to live together"

But then you said this:

He told me, that although he loved me, he also had feelings (not love) for her

Does he love her or not?

Oh dear OP. I don't know if i have any helpful advice. It sounds as if your husband is having his cake and eating it too. You will NEVER trust him again. It sounds as if you are scared to be without him - he on the other hand, respected you so much he decided to plan a life with someone else . Why would you want your son to have a father figure who could do this to his own mother? No man should treat you how he has - its shameful. You wont even ask him if he loves you? Whats the point then - why are you staying with him? Im so sorry - but i dont think this marriage will last OP (i dont mean to hurt you) - he will walk on on you again, because you aren't strong enough to do it yourself. Good luck OP - i hope you get what you want in the end.

@SandyY2K

He let her say more then he should, but when she continued he did back me up, and told her to stop and leave me alone.

You are right, I am petrified of losing him, but not because he wants to walk away. As before mentioned, if he had continued to say, that he no longer had any interest in being here, that he wanted to be with her, and that she made him happy, I would let him go. I have no interest in being in a one sided relationship and making him miserable.

What I am petrified about, is him leaving me because of me. It's hard to describe a relationship in writing isn't it? Although I am well aware, that nothing I do can justify him having an affair, I do also know, that our relationship was struggling. And he wasn't just out having a fling and then coming back to me like nothing happened. Although he kept the truth from me for too long, he did come back and ask for a divorce, because he didn't want to be in a relationship were he felt unloved and had eyes for other women.

I have been caught up in my own grief, I have been struggling with the strong affects of menopause, I have been so wrapped up in creating the perfect little world for DS to grow up in so he wouldn't feel my pain, that I left DH out in the woods. And he has felt alone, abandoned, unloved. That what I am petrified of. Losing him because he doesn't feel wanted, appreciated or loved in our house. Losing him because I try hard enough.

All the way up until the affair, he has been nothing but loving and kind, making room for me, at times taking full responsibility for DS and house on top of his job, and hiding the fact that he was hurting too.

There is though, no doubt, that both of us would benefit from counseling.

What a train wreck! (Him not you)

I do think you need to move on. It will be hard because you have a child, but this person has betryed you, will probabky do it again and try harder to hide the next affair.

@BackInTheRoom

So, first of, last time I was on a forum kinda thing was when I was pregnant, and there children were referred to as LO's, so I am still catching up on the lingo. It should of course be DS I am trying to protect.

As for the other bit, I find it is the first time I am stumped in English. In Danish there are two words, elsker and forelsket. Whilst the first means love, as a mother does her son and a wife her husband, the latter means feels strongly towards, has warm feelings for, cares about, has a crush on and so on. Basically, the feeling you have towards a boyfriend/girlfriend, before falling in love, and therefore saying I love you, instead of I am in love with you - Does that make sense?

So, when he came home a couple days before Christmas he asked for a divorce. That we get through Christmas with happy smile for DS, and then that's it. After having talked for a while, and me asking what the hell is going on, he says he is forelsket in someone else. He met someone else, and they are happy together, and that's where he wants be. I ask him if he loves her, and he hesitates. Saying maybe, he doesn't know yet.

Further on down the line after a lot of other conversations, he says that he has found out that he doesn't love her (after me asking whether he could see himself with her in 10 years, whether he really wanted to make her a mother to his children let alone introducing DS to her). He says that he loved feeling wanted, he loved the new rush, that spark of passion in the beginning of a relationship, and he loved the feeling of someone going above and beyond to have him. But that he didn't love her. And the further he got away from her, the more it became clear that she was manipulating and using him.

I am not sure if any of that ramble makes sense, but I tried ☺️

My heart breaks for you @anonymouser

Unfortunately what you are feeling now will never ever go away unless you and your husband put in serious amounts of work to help ease the pain and confusion.

If you and your husband do not put in serious amounts of work you will feel like this forever.

And eventually the marriage will end anyway and you will look back and realise how much time you wasted trying to make it all right and failing , on your own.

Huge love to you 💕💕

Ok, I'll be blunt. If you really want this to work you need to stop being the one to hold everything together. You need to be the one making the decisions. You need to tell him to move out and give you space while you decide. You need to at least consult with a lawyer rearding your financial position. Everyone goes on about a free half hour. That may or may not be available depending on the lawyer, but it is well worth the investment for the peace of mind it will give you.

I know this seems contrary to what you want but it is the only way. The point is he needs to know what it feels like to lose you and dc. Unless he does you are in his mind the fall back position, always available irrespective of his behaviour. If you do all this and he leaves anyway, well then you know that he was never going to stay in the first place and you have saved yourself months of anguish while you try to make things work and he does nothing.

Any negative comments about your self esteem, which always crop up on these threads. Ignore. There is always someone. Unhelpful and upsetting, focus on how amazing you are, how much you deserve, and never let yourself be told, or treated as second best.

If he remains in contact with OW, walk away. It can never and will never work if he does this.

Even if you do all this I'd still suggest seriously considering leaving him. Staying is very hard, even if your DH is fully commited. Thoughts and flashbacks, penny drop moments when something else come to light - they don't ever go. Not even years and years after. It is a long, hard road.

You blame it all on her op, but it was YOUR husband who told her he loved her, had sex with her, told her terrible things about you and shared and developed intimacy with her, with absolutely. I care about you at all.
You blame everyone else, you, her etc when you need to blame your oh.
It seems from your posts that he has escaped with little consequence. He is still in contact with her ffs! They are hardly going to be talking about the weather are they?! And has he told her to stop messaging you? How did she even get your number? I’d be reporting her to someone.
I hope you find your self respect, esteem and anger soon xx

Oh dear op I hope you are feeling slightly better today but I very much doubt it.
Reading your posts it's all about him.
What you need to do to keep him. What you need to do to stop him from straying.
It's clear from your posts that a one night stand would be tolerated.
You are doing the pick me dance, a natural reaction in these circumstances.
I can tell you if you have any sense this will pass and you will begin to say to your dh what about me. What can he go to make you happy.
Men often have affairs will work colleagues especially when they are in a senior position to the woman it strokes their ego. They feel looked up to and admired. Of course they do they are in a position of power.
Nobody else can say how this will pan out, you might make the marriage work and be very happy together.
You do need to start thinking about you though.
Get legal advice.
Know your rights. At the moment you are on the back foot.
Stop that now, see a solicitor so you know where you stand.

Be kind to yourself. And you don't have to leave him if you don't want to but you need to begin to like yourself enough to cope if your relationship does end.
The thing is he isn't going to fall back in love with you until you love yourself too. I know that is an over used phrase which makes you want to roll your eyes and switch off, but you DO need to get your mojo back.
You need to have things in your life to stop this consuming your every waking thought. You need to realise what a catch you are. He loses your happy home life if he walks away too. Don't underestimate that for him as well. You and your life together is worth something to him and don't belittle that.
However, fighting for him is as much about your actions as it is about his. You need to get on and get happy. He doesn't hold all the cards.
You also need to start couples therapy. You need to talk a lot with a professional asking the questions.
Stop reading this forum and get onto the internet and find your nearest relate. Go to counselling yourself too.
I can't stress how much this process is about you.
Mumsnet throws around all sorts of consequences and are so quick to tell you to leave him.
Look I have no experience of this and I have nothing to add other than a common sense perspective and I'm saying that in changing you (getting happy) you change this situation. You also get hold of a few more cards which is where you need to be.
Fake it until you make it and talk whenever he offers to but otherwise make this better through getting yourself back on track. You sound like there is a lot of sadness wrapped up in this (before the affair) which needs processing.

I do feel sorry for you. You've been massively disrespected by your and his (Ex?) sidepiece. She saw you as the obstacle to a life with her man....and you took the insults she hurled your way.

Your husband in his description of you (during the affair) will have given her the impression you are the kind of person she could getaway with doing that to. How dare she. Does she know you? Has she seen you? She may well have just repeated what your H said about you.

While you remain gripped with fear....nothing will change.

What has he done to show remorse?
How does he make you feel loved?

How does he make you feel safe in the marriage?

That he stayed because he loves you and not out of a sense of duty.....

It just seems like a ticking time bomb.

If he was really making you feel he's with you because he truly wants to be and is happy...that would be manageable.

I know a couple who went through Infidelity. He was leaving her (for her best friend)...then last minute in the solicitors office he changed his mind and they are such a happy couple... this was over 30 years ago... he was apologetic and worked do hard to win the trust back.

She said it will never be 100% though.

Nothing you've said indicates remorse from him. I believe in forgiveness...but one earns that forgiveness.

I wonder if he is spending as much time and emotional energy on trying to save his marriage?
What is HE offering to do to try and repair things?
What assurances is HE giving to you that the two of you will have a future together?

I agree with PP that you have to stop being the one worrying and running around after him, fretting on how to hold your marriage together - he should be doing all of that. If he is only back because you've begged him, he'll be away again when the opportunity arises.

Forgiveness is a lovely thing and not forgiving leads to bitterness, but you cannot pretend to forget what he has done and put you through.

NB English in not my first language and I know what you mean about the 2 different ways of expressing different kinds of 'love'. It sounds to me though that he is actually hedging his bets. Cake/eating it comes to mind.

@PerfectlyDone

The embarrassing part is, English is my first language, but somethings are easier to explain in Danish

You are right, it should be about me, and I should be putting my self first, but I have never done that, so it's proving to be hard.

I have come as far as I need to talk to him and tell him how I feel, I am pretty sure he won't react how I think, but after having amped my self up for the talk last night, DS got sick and puked all over our bed 😩 So I spent the the night changing and washing sheets (the bad ones got thrown out), cleaning mattresses and making tea (DH deals with the puking child, I can take anything that comes out the other end, but I can't do puke - Bad luck when you are a mum!)

But I will take the talk tonight, tell him how I feel, and raise the idea of counseling.

I am not trying to make you feel worse than you are already OP BUT

he loved feeling wanted this is what it is all about !

and as for the women on here who say "affairs are all about sex " - you are very wrong on that . It is the above - the feeling of being wanted . It is the addiction to that and the sex that goes along with that .Men want to feel valued and there are many , many men out there who cope badly when children come along . They are the immature fucked up ones who do not adapt to their changing situation. They DO talk about their partners and yes in derogatory terms - it is not to get someone into bed ( they are usually already there ) , it is to justify to themselves what they are doing and yes sometimes they are living in a less than ideal situation and it begins to creep out . It is this side of it - the emotional betrayal that is the worst , more than the sex . In addition he will also be grieving his affair and that addiction. It takes a lot to move on after an affair because it is never the same again . I agree with the other posters on here - you need to get angry.

General answer, because I can't keep up - Sorry!

Regarding OW - She got my number from his phone, he did tell her to back off, he did tick her off for speaking badly of me, both to me and to him, she has never met me - May have seen me as I have been at his office, but he has naturally talked about stuff like wanting more children and me not being able to, leading to her telling me I am useless because I can't have more children, as he told her that he was unhappy that he felt overlooked by me, leading to her saying that I was mean and uncaring and so on. They started as friends where she was of course very friendly and understanding, wanting to hear about his relationship so she could "help".

Regarding "blame". I am not not blaming him. I know he did something wrong, I am just not angry with him. I partly understand him, I don't understand her. I know he broke vows, betrayed me, and messed up on so many levels, but everyone makes mistakes, right?

Bottom line is, I don't want to leave him. Marriage is very important to me, and nothing something I just give up on. Sure, if he does the same thing in a years time, forget it, he is out. But I am not going to give up because he lost faith for a moment. And I know some disagree with me, but that is what is important to me. I take relationships very seriously, and believes it takes a lot of effort and hard work, who ever you may be, and I am not the type to just fall in love with some one else, right or wrong as it may be.

I do need to work on my self, I am aware of this, and have been doing so for a long time, but I have a lot to work on, and at the moment I am proud if I manage to say hello to someone. In my teens I starved my self and self harmed, and had a very abusive mother who would physically and mentally abuse me. The fact that I am still standing, am still being able to be a mother to my child, and get out of bed in the morning after all this is a huge improvement for me. But I will also admit that DH has been my rock through it all, and that rock isn't quite as steady and strong as it was, meaning my foundation is weakened. And I need to work on that, and we as a couple need to work on us.

Thank you, everyone, for all your comments ♥️ Both positive and negative, some harsh, some kind, but all helpful. If nothing else, reading negative comments reminds me how I don't want to handle this and why. And, of course, just being able to say something out loud to someone else is liberating, and has made room for other emotions. So thank you ♥️

Fair doos.

Have you looked in to 'Codependency' OP? Your childhood makes you a prime candidate for putting up with abuse?

@BackInTheRoom

I have looked at it a lot, specially after having been in an abusive relationship before DH. One which DH actually helped me get out of (purely as a friend, love sparked later on).

And I am aware my tolerance can be higher than it should, but I have also worked a lot on the matter, cut all abusive people from my life, including my mother who has never met DS, so I know I am capable of leaving abusive people behind. But DH has never been abusive, or set a foot wrong before now.

Why don't you access some counselling yourself, on your own? Relate will see individuals, not just couples.

I think it would be very valuable for you to clarify who you are, what you want out of your marriage, how much you value your contribution and how how much you want to be valued in return.

Marriage is very important to me too, and my life has not been a bed of roses in the last few years either, I had not outside validation or anybody who made me feel valued or wanted. The difference between my H and me was/is that I did NOT go looking for that outside to my marriage. So, to my mind this marriage was not as valuable to my H than it was to me. After a second chance which he blew, I am now done with this and I am very upset about it, but I owe it to myself to not undervalue myself.

IME (both personally and actually professionally) many men are really quite pathetic needy creatures who need constant cheerleading, being told how marvellous they are and having somebody make cow eyes at them. NAMALT, but far to many are.
As said upthread, they can hack family life for so long, but as it gets humdrum, and boring, and stressful and all their emotional needs and wants are not being met, they are off to look for it elsewhere.

Fuck that shit.

too many

@PerfectlyDone

I am so sorry for you and your marriage, and am glad that you managed to leave it even though it was hard. And I absolutely understand where you are coming from - I think I am just not quite done trying yet. And I do think you are right regarding (quite a few) men, but I am also aware that I was massively lacking when it came to showing him he was appreciated.

I am already looking into counseling for me only, but it is a really big step for me to be doing that alone - Funnily enough I have trust issues 😅 But I have contacted a couple, asking them basic questions, so I am working on it!

Your story makes me want to weep OP. You say this man is your heart and soul, your best friend but he repays that by having an intense and meaningful relationship with another woman. What exactly have you "fought" for, a man that treats you with such utter contempt? You may think you are doing your DC a favour by staying with this man, but in reality, you are acting like a doormat and treading round on eggshells to appease and placate someone who in truth doesn't love you in the way you love him.

I don't mean to be brutal, but my mum loved my dad in the way you describe your DH. He was repeatedly unfaithful to her, and he almost destroyed her when he eventually left. Their marriage did my sister and I absolutely no favours whatsoever, and I wish she'd left him the first time instead of laying back and letting him do it again and again, ripping a bit more of her heart out every time. The woman she became when she eventually saw through his act was someone she could have spent 20 more years being, and that breaks my heart. Aren't you worth better? You also know he's destroying you. I hope you can find a peace of mind at some point but trust me, it won't come when you are with this man .

So sorry that you’re going through this OP but I agree with others that you need to direct your anger at him. I was in your situation 8 years ago, I was terrified at the prospect of divorce having 2 primary school age children. I was also recovering from cancer and was being made redundant. I didn’t throw him out and he initially seemed remorseful. However, within a year he was complaining about having to tell me where he was and as he’d had no consequences he cheated again. It took me another 4 years to finally kick him out. My self esteem was shattered, things never really recovered as I couldn’t forgive him. I’m not saying that every relationship needs to end after cheating but I don’t think there are many that can truly recover 100%. There will always be that betrayal and lack of trust. I truly believe that if someone really loves you then they would not be able to have a long term affair where they develop feelings for the other person. Please think of yourself and your future, if you do want to make it work then start by making sure he suffers the consequences of his actions.

Hello, @anonymouser.

I have also posted a thread about getting over an affair: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sex/3173114-The-aftermath-of-an-affair

Maybe have a read of it, then consider the fact that the affair ended almost eight years ago. Please @ me if you have any questions (just type my username with the '@' symbol directly in front.)