Moving on after affair

[anonymouser]

So, I have never done this before, so apologies if I mess it all up, but my thoughts are driving me nuts, and I have no outlet.

Long story short, my husband had an affair with a woman at work. Not a drunken one-nighter or a steamy hot sex affair, but a "I have fallen in love, we have planned holidays abroad, kids, and been looking for somewhere to live together" affair. An affair that resulted in him asking me for a divorce 2 days before Christmas. I love him with all my heart, and I fought. I forgave him, begged him to reconsider, put all my feelings aside, and did all I could, to show him how much he meant to me and our 4 year old, and it worked, he broke up with her and came back home - something one might think was a joyous occasion, sadly, it is all but.

He told me, that although he loved me, he also had feelings (not love) for her, and asked that I gave him some room so he could get his head straight, which I gave him - And now, he is living his life as though nothing has happened, and I am one big hot mess.

Everything hurts. The fact that he told her he was miserable here, that he never loved me like he did her, that he has discussed our private life with her and so on kills me. The fact that they were talking kids (and the fact that after being ill, I can't give him anymore kids) is tearing me apart. The fact that he was together with someone else .. well, it destroys me.

And I am scared, scared of asking if he is still unhappy, in case he says yes and leaves, scared of asking whether they still talk, because I know she stills texts him and calls him, and does everything she can to put me in bad light. I am scared of asking if he loves me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not interested in an unhappy relationship. If he truly loved her, and was unhappy here, I wouldn't stand in their way, however much it hurt me. But I also know him, I know he doesn't just fall into love, I know that our relationship was becoming unhealthy before, seeing as we were both in sorrow after losing a pregnancy and learning that I will never be pregnant again, and my grief didn't leave a lot of room for him. The more he gave me room to be sad, the more I felt I was alone with it all and started to shut him out. On top of that, we have no family, so we never go on dates, or have grown up time apart from the hour between LO being tucked in, and us passing out in the couch. We did a lot of things wrong wrong in our relationship, and we forgot each other, but we were always best friends - We just forgot the passion. He has also said him self, that he was blinded by the excitement, by another woman who wanted him, even though it was wrong. And I never said a bad word against her, or them, I never asked him to leave her, I only asked that he took a moment to rethink, to feel, to find out whether he really loved her, or just needed the love and attention that he was lacking from home, and that I was ready to give.

I am fighting for our relationship, fighting for our family, trying to protect LO from the chaos, doing everything I can to get back to where we were, to forgive and move on, but I can't stop the thoughts. Whenever he touches me, whether he touched her, whenever he says he loves me, whether he said he loved her, whether I made the right choice, or should I have let him go and be happy and have kids with her, whether he is here because he loves me, or out of duty to our family. I promised my self to trust him, not read his texts, or call work to see if he actually is there, but to trust what he says and give him a chance. But I still doubt, I still feel sick to the stomach whenever he is home a little later than normal, or says he is dropping a colleague off on his way home. And I just don't know what to do.

I am so sorry for the long post - I am just hoping, praying, the someone out there will have the patience to read this, who has been here, who can give a few words of advice, or perhaps just a virtual hug .. Because I am drowning my self in self hatred, in not being good enough, in being wrong to have the thoughts I have - And I feel alone.

But I am not going to give up because he lost faith for a moment

How long was he with this woman before he told you that he wanted a divorce?

THere is some good advice on here op.
I too second you getting counselling for yourself.
Is there anyone in rl you can talk to?
I think the burden of keeping this to yourself won't be helpful.
I would also make sure you take up a hobby/interest do this for yourself.
It might also make you more interesting to your dh, I done mean that in a condescending way but other than your dh and ds what do you have?
Your dh obviously had his career and spends a lot of time doing that, he isn't just a dh and dad is he?
All the best op.

@Eric1964 Thanks for the guide, I am slowly learning how to navigate this thing!

I am so sorry about your wife, it must feel horrible. I can't imagine how you must feel. Although I suspect DH must have felt a little of what you felt, seeing as I acted like your DW for a long time after having been sick. Not because I was cheating, but because I felt absolutely rotten about everything. And I have never let him kiss with tongue although I have no idea why. Which is also part of why I "defend" him, it must be dreadful feeling that your SO doesn't find you sexually appealing (which I do, I just have a hard time showing it).

I really hope you do figure it out with your DW though, whether it's the trust issues or the sex part that needs fixing first. It must be hard knowing the love is there, and yet with a huge gap inbetween.

@princesssparkle1 a couple of months ...

A couple of months isn't 'a moment', there again it's also way too soon to decide that you want a divorce imo. He's either very unhappy with you or very mixed up.

@Belindabauer

Loads of great advice, it's amazing, and I am so grateful!

Counseling is in the works, check!

Hobby and someone to talk to is a tricky one though. I have been pretty much a SAHM since DS due to DH working up his carrier and me working more on my self. His life shot up there, and mine kind of stayed put. Not that I don't love my life. We have 3 large dogs, and chickens and cats that I take care of, and DS of course, I am fiiiinally taking my driving license, (after far too many years of chickening out) and hoping to restart my clinic when we can afford it (I am an authorized massage therapist and acupuncturist), but that is pretty much my day. Socially I am screwed as I don't really do lots of friends, and the one I did have (my sister, not by blood) was aware of DH adventures, and encouraged him and forgot (?) to tell me. So I am pretty much just me ..

So yeah, I do need to work on my network, I am just not a network kinda person, all my hobbies and interests are solo (drawing, writing, dogs, and so on), and have a really hard time getting to know people ...

@princesssparkle1 a moment was more used as a relative compared with how long we have been together and known each other.

He was unhappy, and it was a short amount of time. Which was also why I asked he reconsider, as I suspected it was more his way of saying he was unhappy and didn't know how to handle it, rather than him actually falling head over heels and having to leave to be with her. Still not making excuses for him, but trying to understand.

www.chumplady.com/

You need to read this website and find your anger. You are doing the “ pick me “ dance and it won’t work. That’s why it’s “ not working “ even though you have “ forgiven him “ .

While you are busy taking 90% of the responsibility for his affair , he has only 10%.

@anonymouser...it has only been a few weeks since you found out.
You cannot possibly expect to have 'moved on' in such a short time, and he is behaving the way he is becuase you are giving him the impression you are ok...

I can understand the fear he will leave, but honestly, you need to take a deep breath and start fighting for yourself not for your marriage.
You need to get both of you to counselling together, he really needs to take responsibility for the fight for your marriage.

the reccommeded wisdom is it take 2-5 yrs to get over an affair...if ever so a few weeks is nothing.

Please stop feeling as if you have to save this alone....can you talk to him, calmly, without shouting crying etc, and explain how you want the marriage and family to work, and this is what you will do and this is what he needs to do ....and maybe before write a list of what that is...at this point he should not be late home or dropping of colleagues, he should be doing everything to reassure you, and you should be able to read his txts, emails etc

a website called survivinginfidelity has a list of things spouses should do...it might help

@theredjellybean

It may well be only a couple of months ago although I knew before he told me, but it feels like ages ago, and yet ..

I am not expecting everything to be okay, I am not looking for a switch, or a magical potion. I am simply looking for coping techniques for my own head - which I then found a few of in a different related thread.

And, probably, I needed to hear someone else say that it wasn't all my fault ..

I am not scared of the fight, or the prospect of our marriage taking many years to repair. I am scared of regretting not fighting more, I am scared of losing him when it could have been fixed.

And just as it has only been a couple of months for me, the same goes for him (..well, in the let's make it work department, not the knowing department ..), which is also why I am not expecting him to know exactly how he is meant to be handling this, especially when I don't.

sorry if i sounded like i was being critical ..i didnt mean it to sound like that.
there is nothing wrong with wanting to fight for your marriage and to know that if it fails you did all you could but he doesnt seem to get that its 50/50 on this.

maybe he feels it has all gone away and everything is ok..while it quite clearly is not ok.

It's sad to read how you're working so hard to keep this guy. When he can't even be bothered to cut contact with his mistress.

He's showing you really clearly with his actions that he's fine with his affair.

You're listening to his words and imagining they mean something.

It's sad, as I say. No consequences for him... And you working your butt off, begging him to stay... He's definitely going to keep hurting you because what reason does he even have for stopping?? You'll put up with anything

everyone makes mistakes, right?

It’s not really a mistake though is it? You’re minimising his actions. He didn’t accidentally fall on her, he chose to have an affair. At any point he could have said ‘I’m not happy’, but he chose to use any unhappiness he may have felt to have sex with another woman. That’s not a mistake, that’s choice.

You’re also directing your anger at her rather than him. He has suffered no consequences and is still in regular contact. Meanwhile you are doing everything you possibly can to keep it going. What is he doing?

I agree with quite a lot pp have said already.
I wonder if he is spending as much time and emotional energy on trying to save his marriage?
What is HE offering to do to try and repair things?
What assurances is HE giving to you that the two of you will have a future together?

If this only got found out at xmas then that really isn’t much time. You are doing and have done the pick me dance, has he taken any responsibility for this? Is there a line he has to cross or will it just keep moving further and further away? What does he have to do for you to say you know what I am not going to tolerate what you did to me and DS. A pp is right in saying he needs to realise he may lose you, as so far it seems he only came back because you begged. Your running around trying to keep it all together but it should be him doing that. He should be doing all the work. Instead you’re blaming her and yourself. ‘For better or for worse’ doesn’t mean tolerating being treated like shit.

@anonymouser

I understand that you feel you pushed him into her bed by being closed and less than giving sexually.

Bottom line is though - how much beating are you prepared to take , for being the woman he married?

It takes 2 people to save a marriage... you're fighting tooth and nail...yet he's carrying on merrily.

Does he feel guilty?
Does he express any love for you? In what way?

What actions show you he's happy about his decision to stay (apart from his physical presence) there?

The problen is once you beg and plead...you almost lose the right to het angry...because he could simply say. "I'd be gone if you didn't beg"

You become weak and lose any power or equality in the marriage.

You're eating a shit sandwich as they say.

You’re in a lose lose situation
But if you’re happy making everyone else happy and not caring about your own self then you’ll have a long marriage and you’ll persuade yourself that you made the right choice

Finding ways to ‘cope’ is really just burying your head in the sand. It won’t be enough. Does he really want to be making a go of it or is it just guilt because you begged? You can’t make him stay, he should be doing everything he can to try and make it better but instead he’s staying in contact with her.

@ScreamingInsideMe - you gave some great advice earlier in the thread to which I'd add, do it soon. I didn't, and I bitterly regret it.

Okay OP this is a very different angle but I hope it helps and I hope too that you see it is genuine advice that comes from a place of experience.

I’m married now and have been for some years to Mr. Fell. He’s my best friend and the father of my children and my best friend and I cannot think of anything I want less than to have our family not be together. But if he had an affair, a proper love-job, talking about the future, saying he loved her affair, he would be gone and it would be over. Why? Because when I was a teenager I was a married mans mistress. It’s nlt something I’m necessarily proud of but I was and as such I know what I’m talking about here. He was my teacher and I was a kid and blah blah blah but he and I snuck around, had sex behind his wife’s back, he brought me presents with family money, he told me he loved me, that I was the one, that he had never loved his wife like he loved me, that he wanted me to have his babies. He lied to her and I watched him do it, those lies tripped off his tongue like they were nothing.

Of course liars lie, famously that’s their whole thing so I’m sure much of what he said to me was as much a lie as what he said to her and vice versa. But I’ve seen a long term affair from the other side and they are ugly. If I found out that my husband had been having an affair I would know because I have seen it that he would have told her he didn’t love me, that I didn’t fulfil him, that he was lost and alone. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive that.

Your husband seems to have suffered no consequences here. He’s got everything at home still and still has contact with his mistress? I wouldn’t have that. Why is this all on his terms? What a bastard! Who does that? Okay, I was dubiously part of an affair when I was young but since I’ve been married and even before that, when I met my husband, I knew I didn’t want to fuck that up. We’ve been through ups and downs but I never thought that the solution to my own unhappiness lay in another person.

You need to give yourself a break. You didn’t do this and don’t deserve what he’s done to you but he doesn’t deserve the good grace you’ve given him in my opinion. He’s sullied your marriage in the worst possible way. He would have to be down on his knees in front of me and our child begging for our forgiveness, you shouldn’t feel privileged he’s picked you.

You are worth more than this. Seek counselling together and apart, make sure that you are considering what it really means to continue a marriage with the kind of person capable of doing what he did.

I feel so sad for you and angry with your oh at the same time !
The thing is, you might be able to forgive the affair, the actual act of sex. What I would find harder to move on from was the intimacy, the telling her about your devastating news and then her putting herself forward as a better candidate, messaging you etc . How the hell did she have access to his phone? You say your oh wouldn’t have looked at her but she threw herself at him... what if someone else happens to throw themselves at him in the future? You’ll be back to where you started. Broken hearted and devastated because he doesn’t care enough about you to keep it in his pants

Whatever happens to you and your H in the future (and I do hope you find happiness), here's another couple of things to consider:

• Do what you can to have your own money, be that from working or saving little bits here and there.
• Have a full STI screen carried out if you have been having unprotected intercourse with your H since the affair.

Please make sure you continue with your own interests op as well as working together on your marriage.

Update:

I finally found my guts, and sat him down for talk, explaining how I felt and how it affected me. He apologised, again, and said that he would do whatever I needed to make me feel safe again, and that he didn't think I was being unreasonable. I asked that he sent a text or called when he was leaving work, and if anything cropped up that made him late, and I also asked that he stopped contact with OW. He accepted both.

I told him how I sometimes felt that he had moved on, and forgotten all about it, and left me with all the mess, to which he replied that this was not the case, but that he was trying to give me space to find out where I stood, and that he didn't want to be trudging around in stuff in fear that it would hurt me.

I brought up the fact that words hurt, and that the things she said, and some of things he said were stuck in my head, and I was having a hard time dealing with them, just as I was having a hard time with him having said that there were feelings, and that I was scared that they were still there, and that he only returned out of duty to DS. He said that he was very ashamed of himself, but that he felt that once he had taken the first step, there was no going back, and that he acted stupidly by saying that he was happy with her and wanted a divorce, because it was easier than begging me to forgive him, and me then leaving him. Childish, yes, but I can see why it seemed a good idea at the time ...

He told me that he really didn't have feelings for her, he did have "feelings" regarding the whole "somebody wants me" bit, but that they died the second I told him that I still wanted to try and save our marriage, and any respect or even friendly feelings towards OW went out the second she started talking about me the way she did. He showed me his Facebook convo with her, were she had continued to message him, saying how much she loved and missed him, wanting him to give her another chance and so on, and where he had turned her down, asking her to leave all of us alone, and not answered since.

We talked about the list thing, as mentioned up top, and I asked that he think of a list of his own, where he said that he didn't feel that he was in a position to demand anything from me, but was more than willing to comply with mine. I asked him whether, should thee be something he needed from me, that he would ask, instead of reeling off into his own world, and he promised to do so. I then said that I needed for us to have plans for the future, whether it be project on the house, a holiday, redoing our vows, or just a weekend away with the dogs, but that I needed for it to be him that decided what, and did the planning, so that I felt that he was investing in our future, that he was doing something he wanted to do, that included me, that he had something to look forwards to. He was also on board with this, but asked for a couple of days to think about it.

I also brought up counselling, and though he was a little reluctant at first, he did agree to this, and we are planning on starting up as of next week. Continuing from this, I also said, that I would have bad days and good days, and I needed for that to be okay. And days like Wednesday when I was a hot mess would probably not be rare, to which he responded that that was perfectly fine, he would do his best to respect this, and to understand that when I send a "are we okay" text out of the blue, that I just need to check in. He also added, that he also thought I should be angry with him, and couldn't understand how I was not - but, in the event it suddenly showed up, that he would take that too.

I know that there is a long road yet, and I know that although our talk helped, there will be many more, and they won't be easy. But it's a first step, right? At least we are moving in the right direction.

And of course, yet again, thank you so much for all your comments, kind words, and just for letting me get the load off my chest. I am beginning to wonder how on earth I managed without MN 😅

A counsellor told me it can take up to two years to regain trust. She also told my husband that his job right now is to be open, transparent and reassuring.
It's tough. In his head he knows it won't happen again so I should believe him. In my head I don't trust my own instincts anymore so I do need to question things. We are getting there slowly - it's been around 16 months I think.
Have you had any relationship counselling? That might help. You do need an opportunity to express how you feel and for him to really hear it. You might also need to ask questions.
Best of luck

Wow! Just read your update!
Sounds like you're on the right track - I'm really happy for you
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