Moving on after affair

[anonymouser]

So, I have never done this before, so apologies if I mess it all up, but my thoughts are driving me nuts, and I have no outlet.

Long story short, my husband had an affair with a woman at work. Not a drunken one-nighter or a steamy hot sex affair, but a "I have fallen in love, we have planned holidays abroad, kids, and been looking for somewhere to live together" affair. An affair that resulted in him asking me for a divorce 2 days before Christmas. I love him with all my heart, and I fought. I forgave him, begged him to reconsider, put all my feelings aside, and did all I could, to show him how much he meant to me and our 4 year old, and it worked, he broke up with her and came back home - something one might think was a joyous occasion, sadly, it is all but.

He told me, that although he loved me, he also had feelings (not love) for her, and asked that I gave him some room so he could get his head straight, which I gave him - And now, he is living his life as though nothing has happened, and I am one big hot mess.

Everything hurts. The fact that he told her he was miserable here, that he never loved me like he did her, that he has discussed our private life with her and so on kills me. The fact that they were talking kids (and the fact that after being ill, I can't give him anymore kids) is tearing me apart. The fact that he was together with someone else .. well, it destroys me.

And I am scared, scared of asking if he is still unhappy, in case he says yes and leaves, scared of asking whether they still talk, because I know she stills texts him and calls him, and does everything she can to put me in bad light. I am scared of asking if he loves me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not interested in an unhappy relationship. If he truly loved her, and was unhappy here, I wouldn't stand in their way, however much it hurt me. But I also know him, I know he doesn't just fall into love, I know that our relationship was becoming unhealthy before, seeing as we were both in sorrow after losing a pregnancy and learning that I will never be pregnant again, and my grief didn't leave a lot of room for him. The more he gave me room to be sad, the more I felt I was alone with it all and started to shut him out. On top of that, we have no family, so we never go on dates, or have grown up time apart from the hour between LO being tucked in, and us passing out in the couch. We did a lot of things wrong wrong in our relationship, and we forgot each other, but we were always best friends - We just forgot the passion. He has also said him self, that he was blinded by the excitement, by another woman who wanted him, even though it was wrong. And I never said a bad word against her, or them, I never asked him to leave her, I only asked that he took a moment to rethink, to feel, to find out whether he really loved her, or just needed the love and attention that he was lacking from home, and that I was ready to give.

I am fighting for our relationship, fighting for our family, trying to protect LO from the chaos, doing everything I can to get back to where we were, to forgive and move on, but I can't stop the thoughts. Whenever he touches me, whether he touched her, whenever he says he loves me, whether he said he loved her, whether I made the right choice, or should I have let him go and be happy and have kids with her, whether he is here because he loves me, or out of duty to our family. I promised my self to trust him, not read his texts, or call work to see if he actually is there, but to trust what he says and give him a chance. But I still doubt, I still feel sick to the stomach whenever he is home a little later than normal, or says he is dropping a colleague off on his way home. And I just don't know what to do.

I am so sorry for the long post - I am just hoping, praying, the someone out there will have the patience to read this, who has been here, who can give a few words of advice, or perhaps just a virtual hug .. Because I am drowning my self in self hatred, in not being good enough, in being wrong to have the thoughts I have - And I feel alone.

Nellia:

Yup, all raw and bleeding still - It sucks. And yes, totally confused, which only gets worse upon realizing that I have absolutely no one to share my thoughts with.

Thank you, for being understanding, and I think you are right. I am just going to have to talk with him, come what may. Which really shouldn't be any kind of news, but perhaps I just needed to hear from someone else that it wasn't me that was doing everything wrong ..

Adora:

Although we disagree, your comments have been helpful - I do also need a kick in the butt every once in a while, so thank you for that As for the rest, a little bit of a different perspective never hurt

I’m sorry OP it really sucks that you are going through this.

Have a look at the beyond affairs website and the after the affair book.
If your marriage is going to survive all the advise agrees he has to go no contact with the OW. Absolutely no contact. You need to talk about the affair and it’s effects in you. Write a list of what you both need to make the marriage work and give it to each other - see if you can both agree to the others needs. It’s very very hard but despite what people would have you believe I have seen marriages become stronger after afffairs which is why I am trying to move on from my h affair. There is a support thread in the relationship section and we won’t constantly tell you to ltb! We just support each other come and join us!

It’s hard to describe how I know but like I suspected there was an OW my gut feeling is that this experience left him so distraught that he is unlikely to repeat his stupid actions. I have come out of this feeling so much stronger, I have coped better than the felt I would and in a dignified manner. I did not beg him to call me back, in the early days I was certain I wanted to divorce but after a few months when the raw feeling started to fade I was able to see him as a person again. He has made great efforts to put things right but our relationship will never be the same again. It takes time for your feelings to become rational again, it is a real rollercoaster and it took a while for my anger to come through. It does get better and easier to clarify what would be best, but you have to be certain what is best for you, not him, not your kids or family/ friends. You will have to live with your decision, whatever that turns out to be.

Sweetlike:

I have to admit I did beg. But I did not pressure. I begged him to rethink, not come back. And made it clear, that if he wanted to live the rest of his life with her, then he should do so, but that he shouldn't throw away everything we had because of a moments blindness just because she could give him what I could not.

Regarding her, how can I be anything but angry at her? I have only responded politely to her, asking her kindly to refrain from calling him 24/7 because my son was constantly going to pick up the phone (which cannot be turned of or muted as it is work phone, and she cannot be blocked as she is secretary at his office), after she texted me, calling me a whale, and many other indecent things I won't repeat. So I never show my anger towards her, but inside? She knew exactly what she was doing, even tried to get him to bring our son over to her, which he refused, she was never blinded nor caught up. She started making moves, she asked whether he could give her a ride home because it was raining and she was sick, she asked about his life, and told him how awful it must be for him to have to "care for me", and that she could give him so much more, she started saying that she might at well end her life if he left, as any mature woman does .. Now see there's my anger ....

Screaminginsideme:

I will definitely have a look at those, and thank you for the advice on the list thing - I will give it a try. As for no contact, that can't happen until he moves office (and I am counting the days) ..

How do I find the support thread?

Could you go to couples counselling to work through Some of these issues with someone there

You can't move on if he's still in contact with her.

3 years ago I found out H had had an affair for 4 years, I 'fought', we had relationship counselling for almost a year - we are now in the process of divorcing because I found out about another affair.

I can never trust him again.
My trust was cracked when I first found out, now it's gone.
There is coming back from this.

While I think it does take 2 to have a good relationship or an unhappy one (clearly he was more unhappy than I had been), the underhandedness of repeated lying and planning behind my back, the dishonesty and emotional energy, time, money being invested in somebody else, rather than our marriage expresses a level of self-absorption that IMO is just staggering.

I second what others have said: he is not your best friend, he does not have your best interests at heart, he does not value the benefits of a longterm relationship and family life.

I am still glad that I gave my H a second chance because when my kids get older and maybe understand a bit more about what's going on, I feel I can say I have done everything in my power to repair the damage, I did not walk away, I did not put my own selfish needs and wants ahead of everybody else's.

Personally, I don't give a flying fuck about the OW (she should have her head examined to shack up with a serial cheater and liar, but that his HER problem, not mine). I have no interest in her.

Good luck going forward. IME (over 50, 4 kids, 20 year married) there's nothing harder that I have ever done than getting through the last 3 year, and in particular the last few months.

There is NO coming back from this - sorry, I should really proof-read

And you know about her doing all the running from what source? And the attempts to meet your child from what source? And her talking about ending her life if he left her from what source? Your husband i assume. The one who lied to you many times already to facilitate his affair. And continues to lie to you by blaming her. God only knows what lies he told her about you!
What a weak man he must be to be unable to turn down a woman just because she threw herself at him!! How are you ever going to trust him if all it takes is a bit of flirting and a sympathetic ear for him to leap into bed with someone else?

If she was single when they shacked up, she did nothing wrong. Ill-advised, maybe, but not wrong.

It’s totally normal that you are finding it so hard and having flashbacks as it’s such early days. Most books/ advice seem to say it takes 2 years to recover from a betrayal like this and it’s only been a couple of months.

It’s been nearly 3 months since I found out about my H’s affair and we are trying to repair our relationship. I did kick him out for a couple of months though and he’s recently moved back in. I think it helped as he hated every second of living away from us and it gave him a taste of how life would be. I couldn’t have had him living here at first as I was too angry and could hardly bear to be in the same room.

He has been full of remorse and has done everything I’ve asked (to the best of my knowledge). He’s getting counselling and she is leaving the company shortly which will help enormously as it’s painful to know that he sees her in an almost daily basis. They are not in touch as far as I’m aware - it was more of a sex thing and ‘escape’ from his stressful life and he never intended to leave me.

I think he needs to promise to break ties with her completely. Block her on his phone/ WhatsApp etc and tell her not to contact him again. It’s not possible for you to heal and rebuild trust with her still sniffing around. I do agree with other posters that you need to aim your anger at him not her. Believe me, I hate the bitch my H was seeing and think she was completely out of order but she doesn’t even know you. HE is the one who trampled all over your wedding vowels and made plans to have a life with another woman, completely disregarding you and your feelings.

Would he get counselling? Have you had any? I’ve found it really helpful to get everything I’m feeling out there and it’s helped me to figure out what it is I really want to do.

I sympathise as it’s such a horrible situation to be in

Perfectly done--beautifully put. I do think 'some' men think they want all the family stuff and wife etc and they do indeed genuinely do for a very long time but at some point the novelty fades and they want that 'new buzz' again, which they are rarely going to get in a very long term relationship. so they are 'right man' at the 'right time' for you , but not necessarily forever, which is sad I know. Same applies of course to some women too and I genuinely think these partners could be 'anyone' in many cases, who just happens to attractive to them and be around at the right time and giving them the right vibes. OP, he is either fully in or he isn't, if he isn't, cut your losses now with dignity.

Thingsdogetbetter:

Yes, partially from him, partially from her, stuff from him he has shown me - Shown me texts from her asking to meet and look after DS, texts talking about how they met, and texts afterwards where she threatens with everything in the book to get him back.

Although I do believe that she did do something wrong. I would never try to break up a marriage and flirt with a married man, and even if I should fall in love with a married man, I would ask him to end his marriage before even thinking about doing any else than smile across the room. But that's just me I guess.

I am not saying that he was helpless, that she is some sorceress who enchanted him against his will, but I do know him well enough to believe that if she hadn't flung herself at him, he wouldn't have looked twice at her.

Counseling is definitely on the table, I think things have just gone so fast that I needed to find out what we were doing before taking that step. And of course swallowing the fact that my husband (that I have known since I was 14) and I would actually ever need counseling. It is slightly frowned upon over here, sadly.

I agree with you anonymouser and think a single woman coming onto a married man is in the wrong. Not as much as the man if he goes along with it but I think it’s wrong to get involved with someone who’s made a commitment to someone else, especially if there are children involved. It’s selfish behaviour, pure and simple.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

Thank you screaminginsideme

Of course it is wrong to come on to a married person, but the OW had not made any kind of promise or commitment to the OP.
My H's OW has not made a commitment to me (but see my above comment about needing her head examined).

I just find I need so much emotional energy to manage my rage and sadness and putting effort in to securing a future for my DCs that I just cannot afford to waste any on her.

It's just me, I know many betrayed people react very differently. And I think like with grieving (and, tbh I feel rather bereaved) there is no right or wrong way.

Perfectly:

I know you're right, it's not that. I think I just react to the prospect of "not being allowed" to be angry at her. And yes, it does take a lot of energy, and is, tbh, a complete waste of time. But I think that I just don't really know how else to feel at the moment. I have cried for so long, that there aren't any more tears, felt hopeless, felt useless, and I have been completely shut off and irrelevant to the world. It feels that the only reaction that is left that isn't pointed at me, is being angry at her, at least it isn't at my self for a while ..

You’ll find that there is a strand of thought on mums net that only feels comfortable with the idea of being mad at the partner, there is room for whatever emotion you are feeling. It’s how you feel and nobody has the right to tell you you are wrong. What I think people are trying to say is that it takes 2 to tango and both parties deserve your anger. It’s easy to be mad at the ow when you want to reconcile with your dp.

Perfectly I agree with you that it’s not worth wasting energy on the OW. I’m sure she didn’t give me a second thought so why should I give her headspace. It is tempting to do so as you keep thinking if not for her and her actions this wouldn’t have happened but it’s the husbands that owed us loyalty. In your case she will probably get her comeuppance and will serve her right! In my situation it was all kept hush hush as it was a work situation and wouldn’t have looked good for either of them. It does annoy me that she’s got off scot-free and everyone at their work probably thinks she’s lovely but there’s no point dwelling. I just hope she gets some karma sooner or later!

Women blame the OW because they choose to stay with the unfaithful partner and it's easier to digest than face the truth that it was HIM who let you down, the person that knows you, the OW knows fuck all about you apart from the lies he told her.

Ow has been abusive to you and about you I think you have every right to feel angry towards her she knew your situation. He is trying to blame her and play the victim from my experience it hasn't ended cake eating so sorry.I was also told ow would kill herself etc.She now sends messages calling me old bag .she is with old man 50 she 23 years younger.when they are in full affair mode does not stop she will be pulling out all the stops whether it is still physical or not probably in contact.I really hope it works out for you but he is lying to you and her to keep options open