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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

caught fiancé on dating site

90 replies

percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 18:11

Hi there

I have been liaising with a few friends this week and having a laugh about their new so called dating fiasco's and how they have just started using dating apps and the likes as one in particular has just recently become single. she is on Tinder and an app called Bumble which apparently lets the females choose the men first of all for contact.

She asked me to pop over today to see me, very last minute as she had something urgently to tell me, which is not like her as she works long hours and asked me to meet her in her lunch hour.

She sat me down and said, I have something to show you, is this not your partner?

Whilst going through the apps he was there, lo and behold and was on recently too, what was interesting was he hadn't recognised her, perhaps she wasnt in his age range. I am feeling sick to the stomach. We have been together 5 years, talking about a child and getting married next year too. We are booking holidays for this year and lately, I have noticed he never really contacts me during the daytime anymore whilst at work, this may explain his behaviour. I have felt more lonely too.

He is going away in a few weeks time with the boys, I mentioned I would really miss him and he said to me, well don't do anything silly like go on any dating sites whilst I am away will you.....or meet anyone new, and lo and behold he is on a site. All the photos are recent of him from our holidays from last year and this year too. .I have just asked my other friend who is on the same app and yes its definitely him.

What is shocking me the most is we are planning on so many things together, like holidays, children, and just bought a beautiful house together as well as have a lovely life. We had a tough year last year with my health and ok we were not as close per say for about 4 - 6 months which when arguing he has brought up saying it wasnt an issue but then states it was, but now I am back to normal and health is great... and I still look, good size 8, feel good, look better than I have ever done and now this? I thought we were getting things straight?

My friends cant believe it as he always says he is not one for cheating, not one for doing anything bad, not one for disloyalty.

I need to sit him down tonight but so frightened too....Has anyone had this happen before with their partners at all and what was the outcome or did you get one?

I feel pretty much like I'm not attractive anymore to him or he doesnt find me sexy and he is looking for something more exciting??

feel so down and upset but I am grateful for my friend showing me, I would never have known otherwise...never!

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 22/02/2018 18:14

Can you see how long ago he made the tinder? Can you work out any nights out he had where he became uncontactable?

HarryPotterandtheSAHM · 22/02/2018 18:15

Maybe grasping at straws here but any chance someone is using his pics and it isn’t him? Or is trying to get him caught out?

KarmaStar · 22/02/2018 18:16

So sorry OP🌼,
I've no experience of this situation but just wanted to wish you well.Flowers

Original poster
percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 18:16

I don't think I can see how long ago he set this profile up, not sure what to look for really. Yes the nights I am not working during the day i.e. nights he is hard to reach. Or is not contacting me. Also at work now during the day times he is not contacting me pretty much at all, thats never been the case and hardly hear from him. Thats all i have at the moment to go by...im not too sure how far he has gone into this....

OP posts:
TeeBee · 22/02/2018 18:17

Just bin him. It's not you that's unattractive, it's him. Don't waste any more head space on him. Kick him to the kerb and dust off your hands. He is skilled liar, so not someone you'd want to waste any more time on.

JaneEyre70 · 22/02/2018 18:18

However devastated you feel, at least you know and can address the issue. What you need to decide is if you can forgive this - there is a chance he's met and slept with other women he's met through it. And even if he hasnt (and he's not going to tell you the truth on that sadly) he's actively looking to replace you. That wouldn't be a man I'd want in my life, sorry. And please get an STI check on yourself, for peace of mind. I'm really sorry, this must feel awful Flowers.

Littlechocola · 22/02/2018 18:19

I would get someone to contact him on there just to see if it is him rather than someone using his pics.

Original poster
percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 18:20

Thank you everyone, no its definitely his profile by his words, his pictures and hate to say what he put down, its all his words he would use to get someone's attention online for sure. I feel if I confront him he will say ooooh it was before we met, an old profile etc etc, but don't people delete their profiles surely once you settle down, and why recent photos so I know he cant pull that one on me...those photos were taken literally months ago if not weeks ago too all new and our holidays!

OP posts:
Original poster
percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 18:21

I got one of my friends to do just that she swiped to the right so if he did the same he will have contact from her so just waiting to see if this works but its showing he was on today, its definitely him as there are no lies on there about his character, his work, his hobbies everything is there and its off Facebook too which is worrying even more so....all photos i took of him! sorry to rant on still in shock here!

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 22/02/2018 18:22

Lucky you've got such a good friend, that was courageous of her.
And lucky you found out what he's really like before you got married and had children.
It won't be because of what you look like, or anything you've done. He may try to blame it on you, but if he wanted out he should have said so, not sneakily joined up to a dating site. He just wants to have someone lined up for when he leaves.
Do yourself a favour and dump him. He's clearly not committed to you, whatever he might say.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2018 18:24

Your friend is a good friend to you and she likely thought long and hard before sharing this information with you.

He is clearly not the man you thought he was and there were some indications beforehand that all was not rosy in your relationship either.

What TeeBee wrote in its entirety. This relationship should now be at an end.

underthebluemoon · 22/02/2018 18:26

He will probably say he was looking for excitement or an ego boost.
But its cheating. Will you ever trust him again?
So sorry OP, this is devastating for you.

TheNaze73 · 22/02/2018 18:28

He’s obviously bored with what he has if he’s seeking it elsewhere. He’s the lowest of the low. I think rather than being supportive in the tough 4-6 months, he’s shown his true colours.

Kick this numbnut into touch, you deserve so much more Flowers

Belindabauer · 22/02/2018 18:28

Well if the pictures are recent ones it's not an old profile.
He is wanting either a bit on the side or a new relationship.
Not sure how to confront him but it doesn't look good.

HarryPotterandtheSAHM · 22/02/2018 18:29

Sorry OP, sounds like it really is his them. What a fucker. Sorry you have to go through this x

Original poster
percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 18:32

I am always the one making the effort with anything like sex for example saying right lets do this, lets go away somewhere romantically, lets try this etc and normally we can talk things over and we get on so well together like we are best of friends too. Its like I have been betrayed by my best friend thinking we can conquer anything together by talking things through, working things out and then we are ok, clearly not, as I THOUGHT that was what couples do instead he just goes behind my back as its an easier option to find someone else and trade me in.....I am left numb....

OP posts:
aftertheevent · 22/02/2018 18:37

OMG what a shock. No its really not you at all. He just thinks he's entitled to see what's out there and get his needs met elsewhere. You must tell him to leave as you have all the proof you need.
God how humiliating.
Don't listen to any bullshit excuses. He will do it again. Do not marry him or you're setting yourself up for a life of misery. Imagine what it would be like with children.
He's a cheater.

underthebluemoon · 22/02/2018 18:37

You are in shock. You could go to mum/sister/friend tonight if you need more time to get your head round it.

I had a guy on OLD who asked me for 'discreet' fun as he was in a relationship. He had several photos of himself up and details. I don't know how he thinks he will get away with not being spotted by someone who knows him or his partner.

aftertheevent · 22/02/2018 18:38

He's got everything to lose the idiot.

Wonkydonkey44 · 22/02/2018 18:39

I admire your restraint I’d have screen shot it and gone bat shit crazy xx

Ginorchoc · 22/02/2018 18:40

That’s awful, I think you have all the information you need which currently is an advantage to decide what you are going to do. Good luck and remember you have a say in your future not him.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/02/2018 18:44

Take screenshots, OP. Once he takes down the profile he'll deny everything.

To be honest, his behaviour over the last months hasn't been the behaviour of someone you should marry. He's detached himself, hasn't he? Call off the wedding, sell the house and start again - I know it's really tough but please don't let him sweet-talk you into putting up with it.

Baudelairian · 22/02/2018 18:44

Try to get as much information on him as possible before you confront him, times he has been on there, etc and get a friend to enter into a dialogue with him. The more information you’ve got the more difficult it will be for him to wriggle out of it when you confront him.

Cheating has nothing to do with how you look, the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on. It’s about the personality of the cheater. I’m so sorry you are going through this but I’d see it as a blessing to know the truth before you get married.

He might want a nice wife and home comforts as well as a bit on the side. It’s totally unfair on you, you deserve someone honest and faithful.

Littlechocola · 22/02/2018 18:47

Op, your fiancé is a dick. Your friend on the other hand is a star.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 22/02/2018 18:52

Oh OP, this is terrible, I'm so sorry for you. I'm in the get rid boat, i had a partner who cheated and no matter how much he promised, he couldn't/wouldn't stop. There are decent men in the world, let this on go and find yourself someoneworthy of you!

It could be that you can be friends, but not partners.