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Original poster

caught fiancé on dating site

90 replies

percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 18:11

Hi there

I have been liaising with a few friends this week and having a laugh about their new so called dating fiasco's and how they have just started using dating apps and the likes as one in particular has just recently become single. she is on Tinder and an app called Bumble which apparently lets the females choose the men first of all for contact.

She asked me to pop over today to see me, very last minute as she had something urgently to tell me, which is not like her as she works long hours and asked me to meet her in her lunch hour.

She sat me down and said, I have something to show you, is this not your partner?

Whilst going through the apps he was there, lo and behold and was on recently too, what was interesting was he hadn't recognised her, perhaps she wasnt in his age range. I am feeling sick to the stomach. We have been together 5 years, talking about a child and getting married next year too. We are booking holidays for this year and lately, I have noticed he never really contacts me during the daytime anymore whilst at work, this may explain his behaviour. I have felt more lonely too.

He is going away in a few weeks time with the boys, I mentioned I would really miss him and he said to me, well don't do anything silly like go on any dating sites whilst I am away will you.....or meet anyone new, and lo and behold he is on a site. All the photos are recent of him from our holidays from last year and this year too. .I have just asked my other friend who is on the same app and yes its definitely him.

What is shocking me the most is we are planning on so many things together, like holidays, children, and just bought a beautiful house together as well as have a lovely life. We had a tough year last year with my health and ok we were not as close per say for about 4 - 6 months which when arguing he has brought up saying it wasnt an issue but then states it was, but now I am back to normal and health is great... and I still look, good size 8, feel good, look better than I have ever done and now this? I thought we were getting things straight?

My friends cant believe it as he always says he is not one for cheating, not one for doing anything bad, not one for disloyalty.

I need to sit him down tonight but so frightened too....Has anyone had this happen before with their partners at all and what was the outcome or did you get one?

I feel pretty much like I'm not attractive anymore to him or he doesnt find me sexy and he is looking for something more exciting??

feel so down and upset but I am grateful for my friend showing me, I would never have known otherwise...never!

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 23/02/2018 04:20

'I think his mask has slipped.I know you maybe in shock but he has revealed his true character.

He is a coward, keen to have home comforts with you but a separate life on the side.
I suggest you get an sti check.

Its not you, he is a flawed individual who hid his true self from you.'

Agree with everything @Hermonie2016 said ^^

Thing is, we tend to miss who they really are at the beginning because of the love chemicals then they turn up the gas and then you don't know which way is up anymore Confused

Bluebelle38 · 23/02/2018 05:37

What a horrible cheat and bully. You know you deserve better deep down. Leave him and work on building your self esteem back up. That you would believe for even a second this could be your fault is worrying. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but it is a blessing in disguise. X

flumpybear · 23/02/2018 06:47

He's making excuses now he's been caught out - honestly do you want to be with someone like that?

Isetan · 23/02/2018 06:57

It appears you were expecting 'love to conquer all' to make up for your partner's unpleasant characteristics and increasing detachment.

This is who he is is and there isn't a parallel universe where he's different. Grieve for the man you wanted him to be and be thankful you've discovered his duplicity before you got married and or pregnant.

His behaviour pre and post discovery, tells you everything about your hopefully soon to be Ex.

Oly5 · 23/02/2018 07:08

He is a cheater and talks down to you. Get rid of him, don’t be his doormat

Rosielily · 23/02/2018 07:35

"he is always the alpha and I am just nothing when we argue"

Nothing alpha about him - he's just a bully. Get rid and enjoy your freedom.

Fluffychickenmonkey · 23/02/2018 07:36

He is lying. Take control and dump him

Sarahjconnor · 23/02/2018 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wonkydonkey44 · 23/02/2018 07:46

Well at least you now know that when the going gets tough he can’t / won’t support you . Life isn’t always plain sailing , relationships go through peaks and troughs that is life .
As a person with experience of this you won’t get over it , you will wonder every time his phone pings or he reads an email . I’d get rid , sorry your going through this xx

AlaskaSometimes · 23/02/2018 07:47

I can promise you if you do not leave you will 100% regret this.

He is a cheat and he is a liar. He 100% planned to cheat on you if he could AT THE LEAST. Get an STD test immediately. There’s every chance he’s slept around.

He’s following the script. He’s blaming you. Gaslighting, hiding evidence.

Don’t bother engaging or arguing and letting him twist you up in his words. I’m leaving you is a complete sentence and doesn’t need to be argued or defended.

Just get out.

Whisky2014 · 23/02/2018 07:52

The fact is he has been using dating sites. It doesnt matter if you weren't nice to him or no Saint. That doesn't give a reason to cheat. You talk about the problems and move on or break up. How dare he provide reasons why it's ok to cheat?!

himynameiss · 23/02/2018 07:54

Get an estate agent round and get the for sale sign outside of the house. Don’t take his bullying shitty attitude no more. Get rid girl!

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2018 08:57

If he has nothing to hide and it's from 2 years ago then ask to see his phone.
Don't look for the app.
Look at the settings.
Go to battery.
Give it a few seconds while it loads the 'battery usage'
You can see what he's looked at in the last 24 hours or the little tab might show that you can see what he's look at in the last 2,3 or 7 days.
The % will tell you what you need to know.
So top of my list is Safari at 25%
Then Maps at 24%
etc......
If he's been on tinder or bumble they will be there showing a %

Sorry this has happened.
It's a friggin' nightmare!
But you have found out before you got married or had kids.

I agree to getting a couple of estate agents round if you have bought a house together.

Perfectnight · 23/02/2018 09:00

That’s interesting re the battery. I didn’t know that feature existed. In the last 24 hours my usage is safari 84%, Facebook 3% and messenger 1%.

Wintertime4 · 23/02/2018 09:08

Please don’t confront him yet. Set yourself up a fake profile or get your friend to do it. Then message him and get more information.

Ask him as a fake profiler:
So, when was your last relationship?
I’m up for fun, casual, but open to a relationship, what’s the score with you?

You really need to know. Believe me, I found texts from my Ex to other women. I could not believe it, we were living together and had a baby!

He came across as so honest, so lovely. I was sure confronting him and ‘coming clean’ was best. Except he didn’t, he lied again. It was only later when I set up a fake profile as a friend saw him, and messaged him, that I realised how little he thought of me. He was saying to other women that he was ‘trapped’ and ‘deeply unhappy’. Whilst telling me he was so sorry and would do anything to make amends.

gingergenius · 23/02/2018 09:17

My ex did the same. Found out after all his excuses as to why he was on POF, that he was in fact up to no good. As is your oh. Walk away. It doesn't get better x

gingergenius · 23/02/2018 09:20

Ooh interesting re: battery!

Perfectnight · 23/02/2018 09:20

It’s very brazen isn’t it to actually put up a photo of yourself on a popular dating site. Or stupid.

Rosielily · 23/02/2018 09:21

No need to set up a fake profile in this case. OP has all the evidence she needs and should preserve her emotional energies for getting rid of him.

Wintertime4 · 23/02/2018 09:24

Yes very brazen. My Ex put his phone number!

OP what surprised me is I thought people cheated because they were unhappy in the relationship. I now realize that is not true in the majority of cases. They are perfectly happy having both. That is why he is still lying.

He wants you. He wants also to do whatever he likes. He will fight tooth and nail to keep both. So he will lie or promise you everything. Or blame you so that you feel low and try to win him back.

What he doesn’t want is to break up. But you must.

Wintertime4 · 23/02/2018 09:27

Yes rosielily probably right - too late to set up a fake profile. However it’s sometimes necessary to really, really convince yourself who they really are. It did me. I found myself buying into his remorse, after he stopped wriggling out of his lies, and saw what he was prepared to say about me.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 23/02/2018 09:33

Yes OP he is full on gaslighting you. He will have had to choose those photos. They don't go on automatically.

Winosaurus · 23/02/2018 09:37

He sounds like a gaslighter and a complete prick. If it doesn’t add then it’s because he’s a compulsive liar.
Run away as fast as your legs will let you xx

Rosielily · 23/02/2018 09:43

Wintertime - I understand exactly where you're coming from. It's like picking at a scab isn't it, you know nothing good is going to come of it but you do it nevertheless and have to live with the consequences. I've done it myself, that's why in this case I'm warning against it. If OP didn't have the proof she needed I would certainly be advising she set up a fake profile etc!

letsdolunch321 · 23/02/2018 10:13

Having time apart/a break is not going to help the situation - he will go on other dates & use the excuse you were on a break.

Pack his bags tell him it is over. If you mean anything to him he will fight for you.

Currently he is using you as a doormat, someone to walk all over.

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