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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

caught fiancé on dating site

90 replies

percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 18:11

Hi there

I have been liaising with a few friends this week and having a laugh about their new so called dating fiasco's and how they have just started using dating apps and the likes as one in particular has just recently become single. she is on Tinder and an app called Bumble which apparently lets the females choose the men first of all for contact.

She asked me to pop over today to see me, very last minute as she had something urgently to tell me, which is not like her as she works long hours and asked me to meet her in her lunch hour.

She sat me down and said, I have something to show you, is this not your partner?

Whilst going through the apps he was there, lo and behold and was on recently too, what was interesting was he hadn't recognised her, perhaps she wasnt in his age range. I am feeling sick to the stomach. We have been together 5 years, talking about a child and getting married next year too. We are booking holidays for this year and lately, I have noticed he never really contacts me during the daytime anymore whilst at work, this may explain his behaviour. I have felt more lonely too.

He is going away in a few weeks time with the boys, I mentioned I would really miss him and he said to me, well don't do anything silly like go on any dating sites whilst I am away will you.....or meet anyone new, and lo and behold he is on a site. All the photos are recent of him from our holidays from last year and this year too. .I have just asked my other friend who is on the same app and yes its definitely him.

What is shocking me the most is we are planning on so many things together, like holidays, children, and just bought a beautiful house together as well as have a lovely life. We had a tough year last year with my health and ok we were not as close per say for about 4 - 6 months which when arguing he has brought up saying it wasnt an issue but then states it was, but now I am back to normal and health is great... and I still look, good size 8, feel good, look better than I have ever done and now this? I thought we were getting things straight?

My friends cant believe it as he always says he is not one for cheating, not one for doing anything bad, not one for disloyalty.

I need to sit him down tonight but so frightened too....Has anyone had this happen before with their partners at all and what was the outcome or did you get one?

I feel pretty much like I'm not attractive anymore to him or he doesnt find me sexy and he is looking for something more exciting??

feel so down and upset but I am grateful for my friend showing me, I would never have known otherwise...never!

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 22/02/2018 18:52

Have it out with him right away, you deserve better op!

PaperdollCartoon · 22/02/2018 18:53

You poor thing. Bumble didn’t exist five years ago so there’s no way it was made before you met. I think you need to confront him, it’s his pictures and words up there - you say yourself it’s definitely his words - he’s betrayed you in the clearest way possible and needs to explain himself. Definitely get your friends to send you screenshots.

esk1mo · 22/02/2018 18:57

id be tempted to make a profile and match with him, a fake one. and see what he is saying, is he trying to meet up etc, asking has he ever met anyone from this site before. then i would arrange to meet him, screenshots in hand and confront :)

ifanciedanamechange · 22/02/2018 19:09

Don't say anything to him yet. Sleep on it and wait for twenty four hours before you react then you can decide whether you want to set a trap , check his phone etc.

Personally whatever his reason he must be unhappy to be looking elsewhere. It sounds to me like he doesn't have the balls to finish with you.

What I'd do is say that you've decided that things aren't right between you and you want to take a break and see how he reacts. He may breathe a sigh of relief and agree to a separation, or ending things. In which case there is your answer. If he's reluctant and tried to fight for you that's when I'd say well actually I don't want to be with you because you're on dating sites....he may of course say his pictures have been stolen and used without his permission. In which case insist on seeing his history on his devices.

Good luck whatever you decide x

jkl0311 · 22/02/2018 19:29

Op how sad, short answer finish with him cut your losses now if he apologises and you take him back that's basically giving him a hall pass to do it again. Cut your losses now and chalk it up to experience

Chloe421 · 22/02/2018 19:40

I'm so sorry. He doesn't deserve you. Take some time to decide how you want to deal with this and be kind to yourself. Remember, this 'man's' poor behaviour is absolutely no reflection on you.

DGRossetti · 22/02/2018 20:31

Did anyone watch Dave Gormans "Modern life is goodish" a while back ?

He did an entire bit on someone who was using DGs pics in a tinder profile. It was a scammer trying to get women to send money.

Orlandointhewilderness · 22/02/2018 20:36

oh so sorry op. what a good friend though.

Original poster
percypig2017 · 22/02/2018 20:38

Hello again, well I have confronted him and its more his defensiveness and talking down to me, saying well it was in 2016 two years ago when we split up i was on there, and then shoves it back in my face saying I was no saint and talks down to me, I feel like I am completely thick and stupid like I am not making sense and he is defending everything he is saying, so he is completely right and I am in the wrong. This is where our arguments stem from I am never right or never making sense, he is always the alpha and I am just nothing when we argue...so I am now sitting downstairs just wanting to be by myself feeling completely at a loose end whilst he tries to work out why the website tinder is showing on his Facebook account as well as another site, but not on his phone app, I'm sure it was installed this year or last year hence it was showing on his Facebook account, surely? the bumble wasnt showing but his pictures are all the recent ones on his Facebook he says its from 2 years ago but those photos are from last year, nothing adds up, trust me!! I feel a fool at the moment, like I am losing the plot!

He is turning it around on me, mentioning I was not nice to him last year but I was not well and very stressed when I found out something which he knew about and now this?.....I may ask him just for a break ,what is sad is its my dad's birthday this weekend and my sister's 40th, two big events as well my birthday in march which is where we are all going away, that wont be happening....talk about lovely timing!

OP posts:
jkl0311 · 22/02/2018 20:51

@percypig2017 is the house big enough to live separate? Or should you go stay with family for a few nights? Get your head round it.... sounds too suspicious

magoria · 22/02/2018 21:01

At least you know now BEFORE you marry.

You don't know how long he has been on there. You don't know how many women he may have met off there. You don't know if he slept with any of them.

Unfortunately you need a trip to an STI clinic and if you are going to sleep with him again use protection so that you don't risk any infections or pregnancy right now.

You do know he blames you even though you were going through some shitty stuff.

You know if you are ever ill or have any problems again, you cannot trust him not to jump on the next dating app.

You can't ever trust him.

I don't think you need a break. I think you need out.

LexieLulu · 22/02/2018 21:02

He's trying to make you look bad instead of him!!!!

He's in the wrong, not you!

LexieLulu · 22/02/2018 21:02

I agree with the STI testing xx

inlectorecumbit · 22/02/2018 21:03

of course he is deflecting blame onto you.
He is guilty as sin he thinks you are stupid.
Walk away-- you deserve better

Armygirl · 22/02/2018 21:05

Please don’t let him tie you up in knots and turn it back on you. As you said the photos were very recent so he is now lying to your face, panicking and making out you are in the wrong! The way you have described him in your last post would be enough for me to call it a day. He sounds bloody awful and abusing. You deserve far far better!

Gemini69 · 22/02/2018 21:08

oooh the fucking dirty creep...... DITCH Flowers

Angelf1sh · 22/02/2018 21:34

He sounds like a dick. Don’t let him gaslight you. Forget everything about dates on Facebook and remember the simple fact that his dating profile includes photos of him that YOU TOOK on holidays you had together. if you took them then the profile cannot predate your relationship. It’s as simple as that. He cannot hide from that and so he’s trying to make you feel bad to confuse you and make you forget this simple fact. He is a cheat, and a mean one at that. Don’t forgive him or he’ll do it again.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 22/02/2018 21:40

My god he must think you are so fucking stupid to believe his bullshit!

You know the truth, op. Bin him, he is a lying, deceitful waste of spaceFlowers

TidyLike · 22/02/2018 21:58

He is a liar and a cheat. He is gaslighting you too. Even aside from the cheating, it sounds like you are well rid of him given his attitude towards you. You do not need to 'ask him' for a break up. You do not need him to validate your judgment of him by admitting that you are right and he was wrong. You do not need his approval in any way. You are free to end the relationship any time you like and for whatever reason you like, regardless of what he thinks, says, or does about it. He sounds like a narcissist.

I know all this because I've been where you are. I'm so sorry you're in this place. You are way stronger than you think and you will get past this man and be happier and wiser for it xxxxx

Hermonie2016 · 22/02/2018 22:19

I think his mask has slipped.I know you maybe in shock but he has revealed his true character.

He is a coward, keen to have home comforts with you but a separate life on the side.
I suggest you get an sti check.

Its not you, he is a flawed individual who hid his true self from you.

FrancisUnderwood · 22/02/2018 22:34

He's gaslighting you. Textbook.

underthebluemoon · 23/02/2018 00:40

How are you doing Op? It's awful, I know. Sorry you are going through this.

Read Chumplady's website, it may help.

MistressDeeCee · 23/02/2018 00:48

Horrible situation. You need to decide whether you are fine with your partner cheating, or not. Either you condone it as you want a life with him, or you leave him as it's not your thing. I can't see what he can say to you to make this right - he's on the internet listing himself as available.

To be honest there's no point wondering why when you're slim, look good, etc. If physical beauty were a major priority then the partners of glamorous film stars would never cheat.

Hard decision to make, it's not nice. But it's about what you want to accept in your relationship and what you don't. You have to choose what suits you. Good luck.

DarkNightDelight · 23/02/2018 01:08

Google gaslighting

SuperBeagle · 23/02/2018 01:18

You only show up on Tinder and Bumble if you're an active user, so there's no way that he can use the "I made it years ago" excuse. If you don't use it for even a couple of weeks, you won't show up again until you've logged into the app and started swiping again.