I irrationally dislike my MIL - how can I sort it out?

[LoveMyTomatoes]

My MIL has never done anything to particularly upset me - she does moan A LOT and she likes to make it clear that my methods of parenting aren't the same how she'd like to do things, but she's never been horrible to me, and she adores DS. But I've started to really dislike her and absolutely dread her and FIL coming to visit. They live quite far away so normally have to stay for a few days, or we go to stay with them.

My DP has just arranged for them to come to stay for the bank holiday weekend and when he told me I just flipped! I suffer from depression anyway so I know this is my problem rather than hers - and I feel really bad taking it out on DP as its totally unreasonable of me to not want him to see his parents or for DS to see his grandparents. They only see each other every few months as it is.

I keep trying to find ways to make it difficult for them to come, questioning how we're going to find somewhere for them to sleep, how we can't afford to do any more food shopping for them, etc but its all just excuses because if it was anyone else coming to stay I'd happily find room for them and get loads of food in.

I can't get my head around why it upsets me so much - I've only really felt like this since DS was born eight months ago, before that we got on OK. My MIL is never going to be someone I'm best friends with, but she's basically a nice person so I want to sort out why I hate seeing her so much! I know its my fault and not hers.

Can anyone identify with these feelings? Is it something to do with her being 'the other woman in DP's life' and I don't feel I'm good enough? I'm not sure.

Well, it might help if dh discussed with you beforehand when his parents might come to stay, rather than just telling you.

If you practise a few comments like 'Oh, things are done differently now' or similar when she comes out with the way she'd like to do things with ds, along with a smile, it could help you ignore what she's saying?

if you are not forthcoming with quips, then just nod and ignore her later.

I think its very much an alpha Female thing. She becomes the ALpha female on your territory

how far away do they live? maybe the stay is just too long - bit tricky now its organised, but for next time?

my mil is perfectly plesant too, but I go loopy if she stays for more than one night

As its now happening, make it work on your terms: get dh to take them out for a walk so you get a break to yourself, get him to do the shopping/planning/making bed etc,get to him to ask them to babysit one night.

This is what we now do every time and everyone prefers it - my mil likes just time with her darling son and kiddies and we get to go out!

I'd be annoyed if DH hadn't discussed the arrangements with me first, TBH.
I'd suggest to your DH that he takes his parents and your DS out for the day somewhere, so you can stay at home and prepare a lovely dinner for them all when they get back (and come on MN, drink vodka, watch DVD, whatever you fancy!)

Who has said anything about permission?
I was talking about common courtesy.

What happened when ds was born?
did she do something to piss you off or did you just gradually start feeling more hostile towards her with no real trigger?

What did you like about her before? Has that changed specifically eg if you liked her because she was helpful and did the washing up before, has she stopped doing that because she has limited time with her grandchild and would rather play with him?

I would try and focus on the positives before and trying to get them back.

Not unreasonable. Your dp should be sensitive to how you feel at the mo. You can't help the way you feel, but you need to put your feelings aside for the sake of your ds.

Well then you translated my post incorrectly, anniemac.
I don't think it is unreasonable for one partner to discuss the invitation of visitors prior to extending that invitation, particularly when one of the partners is currently suffering from depression.
Perhaps that could be seen as one of your "VERY GOOD REASON"s?

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Thanks for your replies - I was annoyed at DP not discussing it with me first, but I actually think with how I am at the minute he knows that I'd try to find excuses for them not to come - and he hasn't seen them for a couple of months. He should feel able to invite them when he wants - I ask my parents round without discussing it with him first (although they live locally so they only stay for an hour or so at a time).

Anniemac - I think its a good idea for me to try to see it in terms of how I'd feel if in years to come DS felt bad for seeing me because his partner disliked me. It'd be awful.

Thats the frustrating thing - I know I'm being unreasonable about her but I can't seem to stop myself - my reasonable head tells me to stop being so childish and get on with it - its only for a few days every couple of months, but then I just get all irrational and upset and just dread seeing her.

PetronellaPinkPants - thats really got me thinking about what might have triggered these feelings off. There wasn't anything specific that changed with DS was born - we've never got on brilliantly, but it was always just niggly little things which I'd just brush off, but now I'm really letting them get to me. When she sees DS she tends to just grab him from me, whereas everyone else, including my mum, would always ask if they could take him. I suppose part of it is me feeling out of control when she's here - if I invite anyone over or if any of our mutual friends come around, they tend to work around our routine with DS, whereas PIL (and DP!) often arrive late and are vague about what they want to do next so I feel as though our routine has gone to pot which makes me stressed.

I wish I could just relax and look at the positives - I'm so lucky that DS has got two sets of loving grandparents who'd do anything for him. I suppose my depression is just clouding my judgement and making me look for someone to blame for how I'm feeling. I feel I just need a coping mechanism to get me through the weekend and then hopefully I won't dread it so much next time.

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I can totally relate to how you feel as I went through the same with my MIL after I had my dd, we got on fine beforehand but afterwards I couldn't abide the women (even tho she had done nothing to me) I think alot of it was I thought she was trying to encroach (sp?) on my territory (someone else mentioned this I think) as my dd grew older I have relaxed a lot more and its getting easier (she looks after dd alot) and tbh I love the relationship they have together. I really hope things get better for you but don't worry you certainly ain't the first to feel this way over a MIL

Giddy - yes I think it is partly that I want her to think I'm coping ok. Although (and this is what worries me about myself and what I want to sort out) I sometimes end up doing things differently just to p*ss her off, e.g. I normally make all my own food for DS, and she made a big thing about how proud she was that she made every single thing that DP ever ate from scratch, so my immediate reaction is to go and buy some jars to feed DS from just to annoy her! I feel awful admitting that (glad nobody knows me on here!). I never knew depression could manifest itself in this kind of way, or maybe its not the depression and I'm just a horrible person!

The poor woman is just trying to help and I'm making it so difficult for her and I really don't like myself for it.

But that's the silly thing - we have the same way of doing things in a lot of ways - e.g. with the food thing, we both are really into cooking and making food from scratch but when I'm with her, rather than enjoying our similarities, I resort to being a little child and doing the opposite just to annoy her!

Maybe we're more similar than I realise - she complains a lot and often brings the mood down, so for all I know she could be suffering from depression too. My way of dealing with it tends to be to cover it up and act as though I'm coping fine, but maybe she copes in different ways.

Is it partly jealousy, do you think? Or maybe jealousy isn't quite the right word; I mean maybe your feelings are concerned with having to share the people (dh and ds) that you both love with her, and thinking that she is trying to claim some kind of "ownership" of them (again, ownership is not the right word, but I'm sure you understand what I mean).

She loves them both, as do you - and sometimes it can be all to easy to get a bit possessive of the people we love when other people love them, too.

I think it's important to keep in mind that your dh is her son, and part of her will always consider him her little boy. Put yourself in her shoes; think how you will feel when your little boy has a wife and child, and how you would like to be treated by them.

Wigwambam - yes, thats it! It does feel (to me anyway) as though we're competing for DP and DS's affection. She will refer to DS as "my grandson" rather than "your son" or just his name, which really winds me up, even though it shouldn't - and the reason it makes me so annoyed is probably because of the ownership thing - we both want the people we love to belong to ourselves and not share them.

I have started thinking about when DS is older, and I really understand how horrible it would be to not feel welcome in his and his future partner's house. That's partly why I'm trying to work this whole thing out - my MIL likes to moan and be negative (although I think I blow this out of proportion a bit) and I don't want to end up being like that and push DS away.

If it is the jealousy/ownership thing, which really does feel as though it might be, I need to find a way of dealing with it and keeping my emotions under control.