I irrationally dislike my MIL - how can I sort it out?

[LoveMyTomatoes]

My MIL has never done anything to particularly upset me - she does moan A LOT and she likes to make it clear that my methods of parenting aren't the same how she'd like to do things, but she's never been horrible to me, and she adores DS. But I've started to really dislike her and absolutely dread her and FIL coming to visit. They live quite far away so normally have to stay for a few days, or we go to stay with them.

My DP has just arranged for them to come to stay for the bank holiday weekend and when he told me I just flipped! I suffer from depression anyway so I know this is my problem rather than hers - and I feel really bad taking it out on DP as its totally unreasonable of me to not want him to see his parents or for DS to see his grandparents. They only see each other every few months as it is.

I keep trying to find ways to make it difficult for them to come, questioning how we're going to find somewhere for them to sleep, how we can't afford to do any more food shopping for them, etc but its all just excuses because if it was anyone else coming to stay I'd happily find room for them and get loads of food in.

I can't get my head around why it upsets me so much - I've only really felt like this since DS was born eight months ago, before that we got on OK. My MIL is never going to be someone I'm best friends with, but she's basically a nice person so I want to sort out why I hate seeing her so much! I know its my fault and not hers.

Can anyone identify with these feelings? Is it something to do with her being 'the other woman in DP's life' and I don't feel I'm good enough? I'm not sure.

my il's we except the way they are, a pain in the backside, but just wish they could chill out a bit, they are so over the top with ds and constantly push dh & i out, we step back constantly so they can interact with ds but they always want to be in control of the situation and never try and include us, we have to include ourselves to make a stand. my dh said that if mil could see herself on a video she would soon alter her ways.

we try to think positively about seeing them but always after we see them we have gripes about the way they have been, comments they have made, it's almost like they are very jealous of us or maybe just me, after all i've taken away there beloved son

after being on here before and seeking help on trying to make things work better i had a lot of support about treating myself after they had been, this time i got my footspa out then had a pedicure and manicure, very relaxing

LMT - I would not want to spend time with someone who moans a lot. Its like a grey cloud comes to sit over your head for however long they stay for. Making clear that your methods are not her methods would seriously pee me off. Who is raising your ds, you or her? Basically she's critising your right to raise your ds the way YOU choose. Of course your angry about it. I would say critising your methods of parenting is not a nice thing to do. And having a child really does stir up your emotions, previously you can cope with family/extended family, then suddenly you have a little baby to protect and sometimes that protection includes keeping away people who make you feel uncomfortable.

Try the 'well you have had your turn raising your son, now its MY turn to raise my son how I choose.'...maybe less confrontational than that tho ;). As for the moaning...my dad is a moaner...try to cheer her up... You could try the 'yes but the rain is great for the farmers and your garden' . Moaners never quite know what to do after a while with that attitude...hopefully she may just give up and sit in a private grey cloud

I just had to smile after reading some of the comments here At last I know I am not alone! my MIL lives 250 miles away so each visit is a minimum of 5 days. She is a diabetic so I make an effort to ensure there is nice food suitable for her - she then stuffs her face with icecream and biscuits and if I ask about her sugar levels she tells me off! As others have said, I am edited out of the family album, to the extent that when she made little photo books for each of my dds, there was Daddy, Grandma, the cats, etc but no me! My xmas and birthday presents - thank god not as bad as some of yours - but I did get flannels and washbags so many times my dh had a quiet word. Booktoken last time - much better.
Despite being a childcare expert she has sat by and watched one of the dd cry because she has fallen over and then been surprised when I have come running.
Oh well. I am always polite and my dds adore her so I have to put up with it all. She has always been perfect in my dh's eyes until the couple of last visits when her put on helplessness (only there because she needs attention_) was so ridiculous e.g saying she didn't know how to use a telephone (!!!) that he lost it with her and then unfotunately she turned round and told him he is afailure becasue I need to go out to work to help support the family. Not very tactful.
Definitely think it is worse when you have very small ones though, as you are a) very tired and b) a protective she-wolf. Thanks everyone for making me feel less of a bitch about my feelings though!

It's such a relief to know other people have this same problem. I have been feeling so guilty since my dd was born 8 weeks ago as I know my resentment of ILs is totally irrational and undeserved. They are so lovely but also annoying!!

Basically they thought they'd become GPs (my dh totally against parenthood until I came along) so they are completely OTT about my dd. Whenever we see them they take her off me immediately and for some reason, I don't know why, they seem to find it necessary to take her right away from me, into another room if possible, and coo over her, take pics etc, while me and dh wait in another room! If dd cries with hunger they say, 'oh don't worry, she's fine...' and they will not give her up!

They arrived at the hospital uninvited even before dd was born, and my abiding memory of the moments post-birth are dominated by the two of them making a bloody huge overexcited racket in the recovery room and passing my dd between them, while I lay on the bed, just post emergency C-section after long labour, with my head rattling from their noise. MIL is soprano in a choir btw and doesn't do whispering.

For me it isn't a woman-against-woman thing as my FIL is much worse than my MIL. She is very non-judgemental, and so is he but he will make unthinking comments i.e. when I was bf lots to build up my supply, 'are you sure your breastmilk isn't deficient in vitamins', 'maybe she needs some formula' etc etc.

But I am trying so hard to bite my tongue because I know it is me in the wrong, not them. So many people on MN have ILs that don't bother, and I know mine will be wonderful affectionate GPs.

It's great to hear other MNetters saying it's just a phase and I will grow out of it.

But why do they have to take her away from me all the time?? I don't even think they realise they're doing it. But why can't they see what a hormonal wreck of a she-wolf I am at the moment??? AND GIVE ME BACK MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!

sorry rant over

Erm, Giveadogabone, you're not in the wrong. They shouldn't be taking your dd from you and whisking her off if you don't like it. It doesn't sound like they realise they're upsetting you but you are a bit upset?

You must say something and take her back with some firm words like, "I think she wants her mum now, thank you." or if they doubt you, "I think I know my daughter best, thank you."

I for one find this whisking babies from their mothers a bit disturbing TBH. What are they trying to prove? Maybe nothing but if it gets to you, stop it from happening. You're the mother and your DH is the father and YOU guys get to say what is ok and what is not. I'm sorry but GPs have to lump it. I'm sure you're not being mean. Make sure you're happy! It's your time with your baby/child.

And stick to your breastfeeding guns! Don't give dd formula if you don't want to. You have more than enough milk to meet her needs.

Aww giveadogabone...you described that feeling of just needing that baby in your arms so well....i know exactly what you mean.
God i hate it...next time she tries it...scream at the witch
Lovemytomatoes....i feel a bit like this with my mil.She's not a bad person..and i don't dislike her...but i have to work at getting on with her a lot...and when the children were tiny i felt more vunerable and tbh i would avoid any extra work if i could.

I have 3 sons so odds on I'll have at least one dil one day...
...as long as I live I'll never forget how hormonal a new mother is, and would never storm in and take over a baby, even a gc. I also have a dd. It will be interesting to see how things pan out !

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but I tend to think that, depressed or not, we pick up things about people that may bypass our reasoning, but our instinct knows something. I'd even go so far as to say that, when depressed, this antennae is all the more acute sometimes. It sounds to me that you are picking up that your MIL doesn't recognise your role in dh's life and also ds's life, and is attempting to put herself in prime position, pushing you out of the way. However painful it is, I think there is release in the truth and then you know what you're dealing with iyswim. Blaming yourself (when it isn't your fault) may be why you haven't previously made any headway with this. NOt sure I've made any sense though . The very thought of having ILs to stay makes me come over all hot, and I'm not depressed and don't have a baby for them to fight over. YOu are in prime position with dh and ds, not her. She's had her go at parenting, now it's your go, and she has to learn to butt out.

Thanks for all your comments - I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel like this. My PIL's visit last weekend went ok - I made an effort and it felt as though MIL made an effort too. Although we now have a weekend at their house planned next month and I'm dreading that already!

I still can't work out why it is I find it so hard to like her, I'm sure some of it must be the female competition thing, and it does feel as though she's trying to take DS from me (although I know she's not). Maybe before DS I knew we didn't have much in common but I just got on with it, but having DS has made me realise she'll always be in my life, no getting away even if DP and I split up! So maybe that has made all the little niggling annoyances seem bigger and more annoying.

DS will be 1 in the summer and I'm already worrying about what to do for his first birthday. Would like to have a small party with my parents, sister, close friends, etc but that would obviously mean inviting PIL. It sounds awful that I don't want them there, and I obviously would invite them, but worry I'd not be able to relax and enjoy the day. Especially as the only time my parents met DP's parents it was the most awkward evening ever and both are quite happy not to see each other again! They've not seen each other since DS was born and I have horrible visions of MIL snatching DS out of my mum's arms or something!

Anyway, will keep trying my hardest to make an effort and hopefully things will get better as DS gets older.

Would be interesting to se if there are any MILs on MN - would like to hear the other side of it to make it easier for me to see my MIL's pont of view.

God, LoveMyTomatoes, you're so nice! Your MIL is lucky that you're like this. You have my sympathies though because I know exactly how you feel with dreading the visits. I think it's partly also because you're still going through a big adjustment as a mother.

Take heart - it does get better. Your DS will get bigger, start walking etc and nobody will be able to just pick him up willy nilly. I know exactly what you mean about dreading visits. My DS is now 2 and I don't dread their visits anymore even though I've a new baby because I've made it clear who is the parent and good for MIL, she respects that now and our relationship is a whole lot better.

Regarding your DS's party, if it's diluted with lots of people about, you won't find her annoying. And the funny thing is, she probably wouldn't dare take your DS from anyone else's arms.

I've added a lot of posts to this thread because I felt really upset about the whole issue when my DS was born.

WW - I sound nice at the minute because I've finally realised she is always going to be part of DS's life so I'd better do something positive about it - but you wouldn't want to hear the things I think about her in my head!

Im so glad i saw this thread, I feel like ranting about my pil, even though i know they are basically kind and well meaning people. My ds is 13wks old (my first)and i had quite a traumatic, long labour ending in an emergency c-section. My dh and i had decided we wanted some time with our baby on our own, to try to figure out what to do without interference, but when he told his dad, the next day my dh had a terse email saying that he had 'dismayed' his parents and they felt unwanted and unloved and that his mum was in tears. FGS we only wanted 3/4days on our own. Anyway, they have just gone home after their second visit (3 nights each time) in two weeks. As DH works long hours, and they came during the week, they obviously were not bothered about seeing him, and of course i had to entertain.

My MIL gets treated like my FIL's slave - although she seems quite happy in the role, but that's by the by. I had to race with her to get to my son anytime he stirred, and when i decided to let them have some time with him on their own, i went to a friends house a few doors away and they were going to bring him over in 2hrs so i could feed him - they were over an hour late and i was clock watching and looking out of the window and on edge the whole time. Not a huge crime i know, but i feel that i NEED to be with him. I had to endure endless comments about how my baby was hungry (i was having difficulty b'feeding and this decimated my confidence) and that i needed to feed him baked beans (wtf??) They are always talking to DS saying things like "are your feet cold because your mummy hasnt put any socks on you?" then days later they send a parcel full of socks for him. AAAgggghhhh!! I feel as if they think i cant look after him properly - oooh, and get this, this is weird - last time they were here we went to the supermarket - i went round on my own, so did she, and fil mooched and had a coffee (its women's work of course)well, she got loads of groceries, as did i, and i thought nothing of it as they were leaving in the morning and i just thought she was going to take it with her. No - she left it all for us. Kind? perhaps - but she coudl see that i was doing the shop - i am capable of buying bread, milk, etc, so we were left with LOADS of bread that went stale, and lots of stuff we dont even eat. I of course took that to mean she was saying "you obviously cant look after my son and grandson". LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

sorry everyone - ive just felt suffocated by them, had to vent. nice people really

oh, thought id finished but remembered this - ds had some injections yesterday and mil said shed come and give me moral support (i didnt invite her - but what the hey) Its never nice watching someone jab a needle into your beloved child's leg, but to me, moral support is not bursting into tears in the doctors room. I now had two crying people to look after!! ok she loves him, i get it, but so do i, and it is not cruel to prevent him getting a serious illness!!!!!

ok - i will now leave you lovely people in peace - sorry again xxx

Pooter...incredibly shocked. Stop being so bloody forbearing! They act like little children wanting protection and love one minute (re your email from them and mil bursting into tears) and 2 3 day visits in 2 weeks...bloody hell! Not on when they were not welcomed in the first place, then interfering and making out your not a competent mother by insinuation ie doing your shopping as you were doing it (wtf?!!?!?!?!?!!?) and re your son not having socks on.

FWIW They sound JUST like my parents (father slightly like your fil). I broke contact with my mother before the birth because I knew the above would happen (more history to it than that...). I know just how infuriating people like that can be, so needy and childlike, then turn the tables and become all parental like YOUR the children. Again, its infuriating. You need to get some strategies thought out. Speak to dh see how he feels. Just because they act like small children wanting part of the attention does not mean you have to give into them.

Thanks for reminding me why I don't have contact with my family anymore! You have my wholehearted sympathy.

oh and I love the useless advice 'feed him baked beans'... before dd was born I got 'you need to check the bath temperature before putting baby in' Oh really? Never knew that...wondered why I kept getting 3 rd degree burns after a bath....

Pooter

You're way too nice about them!!! You poor thing - I had similar treatment - but you're a new mum - tell them to back off and fast.

My mum must be the perfectist MIL bcs she has a horror of 'interfering'. I've learnt a lot from her and hope it will stand me in good stead when the time comes (when - I hope! - I'll be a MIL myself, and a granny ).
She has taken a major back seat with my brother's kids, waiting for an invitation, recognising that she doesn't have a 'right' to be involved at all. It's invitation-only stuff.
It really does astonish me that ILs think they have a right to their gc. They don't. My ILs - well what can I say!! They are foreigners and OMG they made it clear I was the cow that facilitated (small role) the production of THEIR addition to the family. It was a nightmare, but I suppose I got it full on so I knew what I was dealing with LOL - it's harder to get hold of when it's subtle iyswim (digs, 'suggestions' etc - arghhh).
My mum gets more involved with us girls' kids, as that's when you need your mum the most. But she still acts on an invitation-only basis.
It's tough though bcs DP may not be able to see the nuances of controlling - and childish - behaviour when PsIL stamp their feet and demand to be centre stage. give me strength!

Lovemytomatoes ii think you're being too accomodating! Depression is bad enough to deal with without the stress of dreading your ils coming to stay. I really dont get that its alright to take a baby from a mum, or not get the mum if it needs feeding. That need for your baby is biological, its natural (dont you just feel like a lion with a cub? CHEESY ok but that need to protect, why not?), its right that you need to feed/hold your baby as much as you like. I used to have horrible dreams about stuff like this when ds was little.
My mil was interfering biddy and for a year all it was was constant phone calls, coming over, trying to run the family. I got depression, i told my dh for her to back off i need to be well for my family, not unwell. So its only every month or two now and we just send ds over there when we feel like a break i have just put up an emotional barrier and no way would i let her in if i had another. Sorry if thats harsh but why why why must women have to endure these little digs? Pooter you have my sympathy! when im a gp im going to follow the invitation only way. my parents do it, and they never interfere. except to tell me to have another one!

Hi, I've been following this and I just wondered if anyone has ever had to live with their MIL?! I did it with my DH for a while in between moving cities and it was pretty tough.

My MIL - a wonderful woman, it has to be said - came to stay from her country. There I was, thinking it would be maybe 2 weeks. SIX MONTHS LATER!! Turns out dh hadn't actually mentioned that she would be staying a l-o-n-g time. I was pg, sick at the smell of anything and everything - and she cooked a lot of basmati rice for some reason (still can't smell it without memories of that time).

In the end I turned the heating off during the day. I know - cruel. But she went within the week.

Gosh, not sure there is anything left to say on this topic, but it's half five in the morning and I've been awake since two- very unusual for me especially as have 3 month old dd to keep me awake under normal circumstances... my mil is staying so think that may be reason for insomnia. I feel horrible as she is very kind but can totally empathise with some things you've been saying. I feel so protective of dd, and have irrational fear my pil want to snatch her and run off into the jungle! It's the usual stuff, they come to stay loads, were all over us after the birth (planned c section so they had plenty of time to arrange their seige!) make a huge fuss and wear her out, don't give her back to me when she needs to feed (fil is worst offender, it's almost like he resents me as I have the thing -milk- dd needs most), and also, the photo thing! Now, you can't tell me that's not significant! It seems to be a running theme. They have no photos of her and me together or with dh, and just a prominant one of dd and dh. It makes my blood boil, like they want to just pretend I was a seedpod for their beloved grandchild and nothing more. I know it will get better with age (I hope!) and it's not very rational as I love seeing dd with my mum and dad- I suppose because we know our own parents love us, but our pil may not! Case in point- after the birth, I was not in great shape, wheeled into the room after 3 hours without dd in a recovery room, in total shock from horrible procedure- my parents were delighted to see grandchild, but very concerned about me, but I felt my pil couldn't have given a toss about me, they just wanted to get their mitts on the baby. Sorry for rant, first post on mn, and blame the lack of sleep!

to the OP

you'll be a MIL one day!

put yourself in her shoes

toomuchtodo

That's a good point.

I have a great relationship with my fil and really dreadful one with mil. Personally, I think it just comes down to personalities rather than roles eg I think he's nice and she's not. Likewise some women don't get on with their own parents for the same reason.

However, it is likely that I will be a mil one day as well. I sometimes think that someone should write a book with all the little snippets that you get on threads like this as a guide to how the small things can really cause tension and upset in a relationship (and let's face it, sometimes mils probably don't even know they are doing it). This would also serve as a good reminder for us when we are older as to how to do things differently.

Put yourself in your mil/fil's shoes ha!
If my dh & I did we would be more laid back & would remember never to do the majority of rotten things they do.

I'm glad some people have a good relationship with their pil it is really much better if you do but if you are one of the dil who have overbearing pil which i do then it isn't all plain sailing in fact it is very wearing on your nerves and a complete nightmare sometimes. Everytime you see them it is still in your mind the way they have been even though you try to keep positive about it and reward yourself with treats after seeing them etc.

I really feel for new mums in this situation as i have been there myself with the no photos of dh,ds & i only pil & ds or ds on his own like they are scared to have us on the photos in case they have to look at us for too long and get too jealous?

The wanting to take over with caring for the baby, persistantly holding baby, telling you what they think you should do, wanting to come round all the time, sometimes without even calling(my family)

Once you find your feet you can make certain decisions on what you & your family need, yes of course you want everyone to be happy but your main concerns are your family now not your extended one, unfortunately they don't always like that but that is the way it is.

I'm with messydrawers. I'm off abroad to stay with pils next week. Feel completely sick! I'll be stuck in this awful little village surrounded by DH's entire family criticising and making snipy comments for two whole weeks! Aagh