I irrationally dislike my MIL - how can I sort it out?

[LoveMyTomatoes]

My MIL has never done anything to particularly upset me - she does moan A LOT and she likes to make it clear that my methods of parenting aren't the same how she'd like to do things, but she's never been horrible to me, and she adores DS. But I've started to really dislike her and absolutely dread her and FIL coming to visit. They live quite far away so normally have to stay for a few days, or we go to stay with them.

My DP has just arranged for them to come to stay for the bank holiday weekend and when he told me I just flipped! I suffer from depression anyway so I know this is my problem rather than hers - and I feel really bad taking it out on DP as its totally unreasonable of me to not want him to see his parents or for DS to see his grandparents. They only see each other every few months as it is.

I keep trying to find ways to make it difficult for them to come, questioning how we're going to find somewhere for them to sleep, how we can't afford to do any more food shopping for them, etc but its all just excuses because if it was anyone else coming to stay I'd happily find room for them and get loads of food in.

I can't get my head around why it upsets me so much - I've only really felt like this since DS was born eight months ago, before that we got on OK. My MIL is never going to be someone I'm best friends with, but she's basically a nice person so I want to sort out why I hate seeing her so much! I know its my fault and not hers.

Can anyone identify with these feelings? Is it something to do with her being 'the other woman in DP's life' and I don't feel I'm good enough? I'm not sure.

LOL at panty liners! At least now I know my MIL isn't the worst!

LMT I can totally identify as my relationship with MIL has gone downhill since I had dd. I got on fine before that although TBH she's not really my cup of tea (very very dull woman and difficult to chat to) but since having dd I have struggled with actively disliking her & all the guilt of feeling like this about DH's mother .

I've figured out a lot of it is linked to me feeling posessive of my children & not liking her having a biological hold over them - I simply don't like that she is related to MY children. Having her to stay is a chore because she does nothing to help and is very dependant but I do have to give myself a really good talking to whenever she comes up & tell myself to grow up and not act like a resentful child.

She really brings out character traits in myself that I am very ashamed of & although rationally I know I'm being awful it's hard to get over instinctive dislike - good luck!!

Liath - our MILs sound like the same person! That's exactly how I feel. I know I need to try to rise above it and stop being so childish - just need something to help me do it - I know logically that I'm being unreasonable but when she is mentioned its as though another part of my brain takes over and automatically makes me cross! Even now I'm feeling stressed thinking about her, even though I'm trying to sort it out!

I know its to do with her having a bioligical hold over DS - if she was just a friend of the family or whatever I'd probably just think, bless, sweet old lady, not my cup of tea but her heart's in the right place. But with her being my MIL is makes me think of all sorts of horrible things which I need to get out of my head!

I look at it that under any other circumstances I would not have to talk to her, have her staying in my house passing judgement on my cooking - she would just be some random 75 year old woman! As I'm not related to her I feel no love for her that would ameliorate some of her faults (my own mother can be unbelievably irritating but I love her to bits!!). Like you I've started to dread her coming to stay.

I wonder whether it's worth writing a letter to myself to read at regular intervals when she's staying telling myself to get a grip! Might be worth a shot because it's not fair on her that she gets cold shouldered by me when she stays and I'd hate if it happened to me when I'm a MIL.

Batters - she didn't??

Wow ... that even beats the elastic!

Sorry ... hijack over

LMT, it will get better over time (although I have to admit that the "my" grandchild comments still bite a bit even now!). I suspect it's as much to do with the birth of your son as anything else - those fiercely protective instincts that kick in. It just takes a bit of time, that's all; you and your MIL both sound like nice people, and that will help in the long run. Just give yourself time and don't beat yourself up about it.

I felt like this for about 18 months after dd was born, I do think it's a territorial thing. I got over it and actually we have a really good relationship now. The fact that I have a son, who is now a teenager (big age gap), I think made me realise that I will be in the same position someday, in the possibly not too distant future and that helped me get over my resentment quite a lot.
The fact that you've acknowledged how you feel and that it's not rational, says quite a lot about your strength as a person. Might it help if you tell your dp how you feel, in these exact terms. Tell him you know it's not rational, you don't think it's personal, perhaps he could help you deal with it.

Hi LMT - I can identify with this too and I am quite embarrassed about my feelings towards MIL sometimes.

After DS1 was born we lived with her and her interfering influnence was oppressive and overbearing to me - it was a very difficult period, albeit short because I told DH I couldn't stay there anymore. It really changed the nature of my relationship with her as I found her to be someone far more judgmental and intolerant than she had previously presented herself.

I now have 2 boys and things have never been the same. She has mellowed a lot - is far less interfering and really loves the boys and I know she cares for me. I used to read the 'I hate my MIL' threads quite a lot thinking I'd be in the same boat as some of them but I don't anymore because I know that so many women have truly awful MIL's who they have no chance of ever having a relationship with.

However, I can't let go of those feelings of being emotionally betrayed by her when I was a new mother and vunerable. She said some unpleasant and hurtful things about my mothering skills and although we've never had it out (I'm just not confrontational), I think she is aware, because I backed off from her and have never been as warm towards her.

I think all you can do is try for your own sake to enjoy the time you spend with her - it is never as bad as you anticipate! And just be grateful that your MIL is not as evil and spiteful as some of those out there.

Batters did she know that's what they were??? Was the packaging particularly pretty and/or confusing ????

Hi, I haven't reald all the other posts, but thought it was worth saying that I seem to absolutely hate my inlaws after having babies. It should get better when you feel less protective of the baby, it did for me anyway. It was much better with DD2.
Part of it for me is the feeling that they are trying to take dc away from me.

Batters - a friend's MIL gave her feminine hygiene wipes for a Christmas present !!

Lovemytomatoes, I feel the same towards my MIL. I couldn't care less about DH being her son but I don't like the fact that she continually 'stakes her claim' on DS the whole time. I feel like she has absolutely no regard for the fact that I am my children's mother.

It always amazes me that people say, "It's DH's mother, you should respect her, be good to her..." etc. But you are DS's mother and it seems that you don't feel she's being good to you or respecting you particularly. You too deserve respect. Maybe this is why you feel you lose a sense of control when she's about.

It's very hard but it does get better I think. But if you feel like you lose control when she's about, you have to work out a way to take control back. I know exactly how you feel. New boundaries need to be established and this takes negotiation and a bit of time.

I don't think you need to be quite so grateful that your DS has loving grandparents - MIL should be polite and courteous to you at all times as the mother of her grandchild. You should be politely firm and say things like, "Would you like to hold him? All you have to do is ask. Everyone else does."

I used to be very relaxed about PIL coming to stay. MIL would take over everything including our wedding plans. Until DS was born, it just used to wash over me and I would ignore her.

But since DS, I feel like she never shown me the courtesy a new and vulnerable first time mum needs - she too grabbed him off me, made critical comments about my mothering the whole time, tried to make parenting decisions for DS until DH had to step in and tell her to buzz off.

We eventually had a big row and I told her that I would not be told what to do in my own house nor with my own children. She got the message and things have got a bit better since then. I hope you don't have to have a row to sort things out!

Scree, do you really feel that your inlaws are trying to take DC away from you?

I've never admitted it but that's how I feel too. I feel like they are itching to get hold of them as their own. MIL says they are her life. She's got nothing else going on in her life that's for sure!

Of course this could never happen so why do we feel so threatened by them?

oh dear i feel the same way and am . wot started out as an ok relationship - with too pushy interfering mil suggesting i do things in accordance with her religion and stuff, then became very involved with visits every week and has festered away until i really dread the thought of seeing her. (just been invited). Now i can only do it every few months.The biological relationship is the the thing i find most difficult esp as dh is spitting image of her and ds is of him so thats means yes they all look like her and ds doesnt look like me poooh so hows that for irrational dislike?! find it hard to look at her -but she is welcome to play with ds i just go do some other stuff while there here. that helps
the weird thing is pil gets off scot free and i actually really like him

i feel like pil are trying to take over sometimes aswell with ds, like wwinkola said new boundaries need to be made.

i found pil overbearing before ds and to be honest since having ds i have found them worse where i also dread seeing them but i'm also trying to make it work better i.e giving myself treats after they've been - buying something new to wear, nice relaxing soak in the bath, bar of chocolate lying on the bed while they're down stairs making a fuss of ds, if anyone else can think of any other treats please mention them!

i don't think it's on that they should moan about your parenting skills/decisions, they made their decisions when they were bringing up their kids and should allow you to do the same without interference.

lol batters!

About 3 months after DS1 was born (still living with her) MIL bought me some 'sensual' roll on essential oils because she thought it 'might be helpful' for me and DH. WTF!!

I had the same with my MIL. I thought it was my fault for ages. Then one day, I sat down and realised that she is full of snidey little put downs, little comments, criticisms etc etc, but all done with a beautiful smile on her face, so there is nothing you can place your finger on. Then I realised she was slowly knocking my confidence bit by bit. She kept coming round to my flat to "help".
I read up on the internet that "suffocatingly helpful" behaviour plus her other faults are actually characteristic of a personality disorder. I was ready to divorce because she was knocking my confidence so much and never giving me space. Like I say, nothing I could actually place my finger on, so nothing I could really prove. In the end, about 3 months ago, I flipped. I havent seen her since, and I feel a million times better. My confidence is building up again, and I realised from that experience, that we should always trust our hunches and our instincts. I was actually right not to trust my MIL. I opened my heart and my trust to her, and planned on asking her to babysit a lot, but her grabby, childish behaviour around DD and towards me showed me that she wasnt on my side and frankly, can`t be trusted.

Oh, and forget about people saying that you should respect her because shes DSS granparent. Respect and privacy are the least we should expect from another human being. In fact, she should be caring about you, because she is the mother of your DH.
Its all about control. I realised that- its not about love. LOve is kind, caring, patient and forgiving. NOT overbearing and controling, meddling and pettiness. I would go as far as to say my MIL doesn`t love my DD in the true sense of the word. Why would you not give a baby back to the mother, when the baby is obviously distressed, whengiving her back would stop the distress immediately. Its all about getting others to meet their needs for attention and love etc, without being able to give anything from yourself. I have enough problems with my own family, DD and DH to look after and love. Sorry, no more space for another person who I have to humour like a child. Especially, when what I need most in the world is to be mothered myself after having a baby.

sorry,
"without being able to give anything from themselves"

Little comments about how great a mother she was, eg to make all food from scratch are not totally innocent imo. They can be attempts to subtley make you feel inadequate in some way. Sometimes its like a game of one-upmanship and sod that for a laugh. I cant stand female rivalry in this regard. Do you think this could be having an effect?
dont think there is anything wrong with agreeing with dh when a best time for them to visit before arranging it..

I am so glad I found this thread.
LMT - I feel exactly the same as you. Up until now, I thought I was the only person ever to feel like this.

My MIL is a decent person and until my dcs were born, I didn't mind her although not really my cup of tea. Since having the kids I have had an irrational dislike of her and absolutely dread it when PIL come to visit. I am always trying to fob them off.

I hope that the weekend will not be as bad as you think, but just wanted to say I totally understand where you're coming from.

WinkyWinkola - I think you're right about a new mother needing a bit of understanding, especially from someone who has been through it themselves, albeit quite a long time ago - so I think MIL should try to understand me more - I'm making the effort to try to understand her!

I've been talking to my parents about it today since starting this thread and they have only met my MIL once but both admitted they'd be happy never to have to meet her again! For them to say that means I must have some grounds for disliking her because my parents are normally very easy going, try to get on with everyone, type of people and if they thought I was being unreasonable towards MIL they'd have just come out and told me.

So I think I've come to realise its not all down to me - she should make some effort too. I just worry that because I find it hard to get on with her, I must be making it obvious that I don't like her so she's stopped making any effort with me.

i find with my pil that if i can distance myself a bit from them yet remain civil & polite that seems to work. they aren't kind to me it's all an act or it is a case of what they can gain from the situation,it isn't personal either they are the same with my sil, i just let them get on with it.
Hope this helps?

I have the same problem too. Didn't mind MIL before children came along, but now find spending any time with ILs intolerable. I think it is the way that they obsess over my children and push me out of the picture as if I am nothing to do with them. I sometimes feel that they wish my children were theirs and that they were nothing to do with me. Partly they annoy me because they wind the dcs up so much and just won't leave them alone. It annoys me so much. I too feel that I'm being totally irrational but just can't seem to help feeling this way.
I also find that I'm always trying to make excuses as to why we can't see them as when we do I just hate the whole experience.
Think the idea of giving yourself a treat to look forward to afterwards is great and I will definatley try that.