I irrationally dislike my MIL - how can I sort it out?

[LoveMyTomatoes]

My MIL has never done anything to particularly upset me - she does moan A LOT and she likes to make it clear that my methods of parenting aren't the same how she'd like to do things, but she's never been horrible to me, and she adores DS. But I've started to really dislike her and absolutely dread her and FIL coming to visit. They live quite far away so normally have to stay for a few days, or we go to stay with them.

My DP has just arranged for them to come to stay for the bank holiday weekend and when he told me I just flipped! I suffer from depression anyway so I know this is my problem rather than hers - and I feel really bad taking it out on DP as its totally unreasonable of me to not want him to see his parents or for DS to see his grandparents. They only see each other every few months as it is.

I keep trying to find ways to make it difficult for them to come, questioning how we're going to find somewhere for them to sleep, how we can't afford to do any more food shopping for them, etc but its all just excuses because if it was anyone else coming to stay I'd happily find room for them and get loads of food in.

I can't get my head around why it upsets me so much - I've only really felt like this since DS was born eight months ago, before that we got on OK. My MIL is never going to be someone I'm best friends with, but she's basically a nice person so I want to sort out why I hate seeing her so much! I know its my fault and not hers.

Can anyone identify with these feelings? Is it something to do with her being 'the other woman in DP's life' and I don't feel I'm good enough? I'm not sure.

My approach is the same as boyslovegranny.

It might be territorial but more on MILs side and she was awful when I was vulnerable and I'm very happy to bear a grudge - I've just emotionally shut down with her (but always polite).

I think we have problems with our MILs as they are one step removed in a way - MIL seems to want to compensate that it's not her flesh and blood that has given birth to her granchild by being overly judgemental and in complete competition with me.

Winky- my MIL also thinks my DS is her life. That's really unfair and manipulative of her.

'Fraid I come down on the side of don't take any rubbish from them.

bubbly i am sorry that you went through a hard time and your mother in law didnt deal with it very well but how will you feel when your ds is a man if you read something like that about yourself. Being a mother to a son is hard - we all know that old phrase "a daughter is a daughter for life-a son is a son till he takes a wife!" To the person whose issue this is. Many women ask their mothers for advise and help, they are there often at the birth and are welcomed in, even if they are pains in the bum over advise. Mother in laws very often are not, which must make them feel sidelined. I had depression for a long time and i know i took often well meaning comments as critical and took against a lot of people for no reason, what you need to do is mentally rewrite your post, putting down what you would say if your dh caused this much of a block in you seeing your mother. Perhaps its because i dont have a mother in law and there are times when i would kill for one but i do think we needf to be a lot more tolerant of the women who bought our parners up - you know what they say - what goes around comes around and all that!

Pretty

I don't block dh seeing mil. She is abroad but she exerts a massive influence. We go there far more than we see my mum (in UK).She was out and out horrible - singing horrible songs about me, wouldn't give me my baby so I could feed (my milk dried up within days), ds stopped sleeping as she wouldn't leave him alone for a minute etc.

I get your point about us being mils ourselves one day, but I hope I wouldn't go into a situation where I couldn't help, expect everyone to run around after me and interfere and, frankly, bully.

I'm not horrible to her - I'm now just uninterested. Her job is to have good relationship with ds and enjoy him, and my job is to bring him up. Simple.

But I agree when a woman has a baby there is a huge hormonal surge that makes her wary of mils. But if a year on in the cold light of day you look back and think mil was difficult, then she was difficult.

But where you generally feel insecure post birth just remember it's a phase which will pass and try not to taint your mil with it!

xxx

Lovemytomatoes - I have a SIL that I feel exactly the same way about and all of the stuff you MIL does, my SIL does. She comes here, takes over, has been known to rearrange my cupboards, do my ironing, clean the house and generally make me feel like I dont know how to look after her darling brother (the youngest of 4 who lets her do this). MIL is no better. SIL (and the other SIL) were called to our house when I was having number 2 at home and after DS was born, the SIL would not give him to me, I have always struggled to forgive her for this.

Last week, SIL is diagnosed with cancer and I feel a total b1tch now .Shocking and terrible and all that, but true.

gingers

What is happening to your SIL is really horrible.

I think it is possible to have compassion for someone whilst recognising they are difficult.

xxx

I am so pleased to read this thread because this is how I feel too. Couldn't stand MIL when the other children were tiny; just indifferent since they've grown up but since I've had another baby it's all come back. When DH said they were calling in I felt physically sick (and surprised myself with the strength of the feeling of panic).

I can really identify with strawberry2's comment "I sometimes feel that they wish my children were theirs and that they were nothing to do with me." When DD1 was a baby they took hundreds of photos of her either on her own or with them- none with DH or me- and I have never seen any of them (DD1 is now 21), yet would demand copies of the entire set of every photos we took. She always refers to them as her grandchild, and used to ring and say "how's my baby". I'm sure my over-reaction now is as a result of how she was then not now, but the last part of the pgy was spoiled with panic over having to see a lot of her again. (she loves her grandchildren so much that as soon as they are big enough to get off her lap and answer back, she doesn't want to know )

Oh yes and I forgot to tell you that even after we were married in secret after 3 years together, MIL still had a pic of 1st wedding day on the wall. And only once I had kids did I get a mug of tea and not a china cup

Actually the problems that I have are not with my MIL and with my SIL, but with my husband's inability to tell them that they need to stop doing this stuff and start treating his family better.

He is getting better though. He told them recently that they needed to come up in 2 lots of 4 and not one lot of 8 which always happens after I explained to him that the reason I get so stressed is that 8 members of his family turn up, take over and I have to be the perfect hostess which is all too stressful.

This thread has made interesting reading, and It's struck me how many of us had our relationships with our MIL's altered with the arrival of children. Mine had always beenok, apart from one or two disageements ove rthe wedding, but after DS1 was born it all kicked off. I got out of hospital on the Friday and my mum had to leave on the Saturday. MIl and step PIL arrived on the Saturday and DH took of to RAF somewhere or otehr to play in the RAF cup final "the most important thing that will ever happen to me" was his response for going. I was devastated, I could hav ecoped better on my own. MIL just took over. i ahd to have a lot of stitches, and when the midwife appeared to check them, MIl would stick her head round the door "Oh I just thought I'd have a look and see how they are healing up". When the midwife asked questions such as how long had baby slept last night she would reply for me "Oh well I heard him crying about every hour and I'm shattered with a lack of sleep" - how the hell did she think I felt. I was paranoid about not wanting hpotos of DS in the bath, and she kept taking them, and was always picking him up when he stirred.
The final straw for me came when she told me to go and have a lie down, I had a migarine I was so tired. I got up after an hour to find the house empty - they had taken him out for a walk. I was devastated, I hadn't even had him out. She tried to throw out the pram cover which my cousin had croched and the shawl which my favourite aunt had made, because she wanted me to use the hideous blue sating cover she had bought.

from that day my relationship with MIL went downhill and has never recovered

In fact I could probably fill a thread with all the things that wind me up and upset with my IL's

gingers- I'm with you on that one. My DH is such a mummy's boy and I also have a very difficult SIL. They overwhelm me. I don't mind going there and playing to some extent by their rules but they disregard the fact that they should pay the compliment back. They take over- worse they need so much help themselves it makes my life unbearable.

Kind of people who come, create a mess and expect you to apologise, then rectify it for them and then thank them!!!!!

How did you train your husband!!!!! I need tips!

saltire

OMG -that's truly horrible............

Saltire - let me tell you about the SIL (this is the nice one) who when I was in labour, naked in the birthing pool (1 hour before DS was born) walked in and asked me how I was doing - Dont these people understand privacy????

As for tips, it has taken me 11 years to get to the point I am at now, not great, but I needed to get DH to think it was his idea and that was because I gave him a whole load of work to do last time they came up as I pretended the kids had play dates, parties and I had to go out with them. He sooned realised how hard it is...

Gingers - I'll give it a go.

My SIL is 34 and given her family is poor has been at uni since 18 (still not finished), almost split me and DH when she first came to UK at age 23, stole my clothes, spent loads of our money (we were also hard up), arranged with MIL my wedding and then took the money we made to pay for her wedding. When I had a miscarriage she was on the phone to DH asking what I did wrong. Second pregnancy she asked whether we'd be capable of looking after babies and even booked an appointment with her GP to ask what to do (I find that very worrying as it's not her child).She, for the record, has never worked, hasn't finsihed her degree yet, can't drive, can't use a computer and can't get into the centre of city in which she lives without being accompanied and, get this, when she goes to the loo she likes her husband to go with her, and has an eating disorder). Oh, and her husband has just had a fullblown nervous breakdown....

Your SIL, on the other hand, needs to emigrate and fast. As she loves 'helping out' perhaps she could go live with my SIL who needs all the assistance she can get.
Whaddyathink?

evenhope, I so know what you mean with the photo thing. It really upsets me that my ILs take loads of pictures of my babies, loads of DH with babies, loads of themselves with babies but absolutley none of me in any of these pictures.

They are just so obsessed with my babies being part of their family and have totally sidelined me.

It just annoys me that they are so thoughtless and have no regard for my feelings.
They always stay soooo long when they come round to visit aswell and just won't leave.

oooh the photo thing. Makes you feel like a surrogate.

Second time round I just said it. "now you have your photos of all you lot with my baby do you want one with the babies mother in?"

FIl looked abashed it just hadn't occured t him rather then being a deliverate snub.

First time round I just fumed for days.

I disagree, pretty. When Im a MIL, or even with my OWN kids, this has been a BIG lesson to me. Never interfere with a new mother, NEVER criticise or drop little comments (as if normal people would anyway), only pop round when youve been invited after making it clear that you love visiting, but want to give them space.
My experience has not made me think "well I have to put up with it, because I`ll be the MIL one day"! No way should human beings treat each other in this way. I want to show my kids that I deserve respect, not snidey little put-downs. The only way I can show them this is by demandind MIL respect me. My daughter can watch this, and know that respect is a right.

i find this really interesting, cause like all of you i really dont wnt to be a nightmare mother in law, but i also know heaps of women (my sis included) whose mother in law can make comments about how she does things but also does the ironing, and helps out with my nephew endlessly, loving him so totally and i just cant understand what the issue is. i work full time and raise my son alone and i would kill for someone to help out, taking a few digs if needs be just to take a break. someone else loving my son would be great. bubbles your mother in law sounds awful and i am sorry that happened to you but i cant believe everyones in laws are that bad and yet not once, ever have I heard someone come on this site and post "my mother in law is great because................". I have to say as an uninvolved observer i think that this is a real female against female thing again i am afraid in a lot of cases (not all so please dont jump all over me). Like when we pick on each others weight, or slag off the women involved in the affair with our husband and not him, or gossip (lets face it we all do it), is it a female thing to compete over the men in our lives be it our sons, partners or parents? interesting.......................

Actually prettyfly, I think you've made a perfectly rational point there. Obviously, there are mils who are a nightmare, this you can't deny but I think a lot of it is simply rivalry for the affections of our families and the pure and simple fact that amongst all these people, the mother will be the only one without the actual blood link iyswim.
Fwiw, I love my mil to bits, fantastic woman but, then she really did have the mil from hell, so I s'pose she's made a conscious decision not to be one.

strawberry2 I think we have the same ILs.. mine won't ever leave either!

prettyfly my MIL doesn't actually help at all. She comes here to "nurse the baby" by which she will sit for hours on end holding the baby. She doesn't help with domestic tasks and she doesn't change nappies. She also doesn't give the baby back when it is screaming to be fed. With the older children she'd say "he's teething". We'd say no, he's tired and his eczema has flared up. ~few minutes later "he's teething". She called DH a liar once because he said DD was asleep and her eyes were open- very small babies do open their eyes when they are asleep.

pretty - I reckon that in a way you are right it's the woman v woman scenario but I think in the majority of cases is comes from the mil judging from the threads. It does from mine.

I've done more than my fair share of respecting and I'm waiting for my mil to catch up 15 years - but not holding my breath obviously!

This is an interesting thread.

I definately feel resentful towards MIL and also FIL and B and SILs! and it is because I don't like the fact that they are related to my children - that they have a biological connection with them. I don't hate them or anything, but I'm not at all close and not hugely fond of them. DH is not close to them either, and they have not been very good to him over the years.

I feel differently about my SIL on my side of the family (my brother's wife) - I don't resent her at all. Partly because I like her, and partly because she doesn't make any pretense at being closer to DCs than she is (although she is closer than DH's family!).

She also doesn't make any 'claim6 on them, doesn't act like they are hers.

Feel a bit horrible for feeling this way though.

This has been interesting to read and good to know that Im not the only one.

I certainly understand the photo thing.My MIL has taken loads of pictures of DD and we havent got or seen any of them....yet she always asks for copies of ours.When DD was born we printed out lots of pictures and gave them all away,mostly to her..we havent got hardly any of our own.
2 weeks ago we had a meet the baby day/my birthday party.All we heard about was DD special day,my birthday wasnt even mentioned on the invites.
I do feel judged by MIL and that Im not doing a good enough job being a first time mum.

Yes pretty, it is female rivalry and control issues but I dont think its necessarily healthy or normal. WHat these MILs are doing is trying to extract attention and love from our families, because for some reason they dont have ability to give love themselves. Maybe this is because they didnt receive enough love when they were younger. It is very childlike to compete with a mother for a baby, and my MIL like others on here did seem to regress into a childish way of behaving. Very sad, but not my problem. I moved to live next to MIL when I got married. I opened my heart and my home to her. I trusted her, wanted her to babysit frequently and basically opened my heart to her. She treated me like shit. SHe arrived at the birth with no invite (not even my mum had been invited), and snatched the baby away and ran out of the room while I was lying with my legs open and hadnt held the baby myself properly. She became worse and worse, and finally I realised "youre not on my side, are you". It never crossed my mind that anyone would want to be in <span class="italic">competition</span> with me for my baby, especially when I had been so kind (frequently inviting her and FIL for sunday limch. She didnT want my kindness, she wanted control.

sakura i know from your other posts that you have had a nightmare and my post isnt meant to belittle what you or anyone else have genuinly been through. i would like to say i really respect the women on here who admit that they are the ones who are in the wrong - brave! I also wonder about the mother in laws what their mother in laws were like - did htey sit and think "ill never do that"?