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Original poster

Dating Thread 129 - Time to put a new spring in your step

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 21/02/2018 20:14

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread
OP posts:
Thread gallery
20
Kinunir · 23/02/2018 10:20

PUA: Pick Up Artists. A man (or possibly a woman) who uses human psychology to socially engineer their target into giving them what they want (sex normally). Normally includes silly rules about not replying to messages first, being mysterious, push/pull, etc. At the heart of it, creating an emotional connection is key, as is displaying a higher social value than the target.

Sleazy but works well.

My friend told me so.

pudding21 · 23/02/2018 10:20

MissCatt that is the spirit, glad your fucks are re-calibrated! She is funny.

NEXT!

CoverMeLads · 23/02/2018 10:28

PUA: pick up artist (I think?)

I have a question on that: if you know they’re using “tactics” (ie it’s deliberate) or even if you think they’re just possibly not as interested as you (ie it’s not deliberate) why does it make you want them more?

Not being provocative (I hope), I’m just curious. I get it if one has developed an emotional connection over months or years, but if a guy who you barely know/may not have even met is acting like you’re not particularly important.....then why would you want them?

Not judging at all; as I’ve already mentioned, I’ve been in some deeply fucked up/unhealthy relationships (hi-five 🙄)

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 23/02/2018 10:30

Why can't these guys just be decent about it all - such dicks !!

Kinunir · 23/02/2018 10:31

Cover - human psychology 101. They demonstrate 'value' to you in order to prompt some interest. After that, it's all about getting you to chase them as we all place a higher value on that which is harder to obtain. It's why women having been playing hard to get for centuries - this is just a flip of the script.

MargoLovebutter · 23/02/2018 10:37

Jeez, the PUA stuff is a bit scary. How does this work with OLD though?

CoverMeLads · 23/02/2018 10:44

Kin but surely it backfires sometimes? Example: I was chatting with a guy last week, lots in common. On Friday early evening he disappears. Last night he carried on the conversation as if there’d been no gap. Am I going to reply? Am I bollocks.
My thinking is if he’s prepared to leave it days without bothering then I’m pretty far down his list of potential dates. That’s not attractive to me. At all.

Kinunir · 23/02/2018 10:48

Cover I totally agree, it's dickish behaviour, but it works on those with lower self-esteem which is who a lot of these so-called PUAs prey on. Personally, I cannot see why anyone would try and attract someone else based upon a false presentation of who they are but, hey, everyone has their own agenda.

Original poster
RunsforCake14 · 23/02/2018 10:53

I don't get it at all.
Mr Waist of Time hasn't read the message I sent last night and ignored the one from the previous evening. Yet he seemed keen to meet for a date.

I got a match on Tinder last night. He sent a pleasant first message which I replied to then sent a series of very explicit messages. So he was unmatched.

All the men I have messaged and got no replies from are still on OLD and seem to be permanently online. So I have no idea what they are looking for.

When I hear of no-shows and PUAs etc then I wonder how many are just on there for a laugh.

I have no irons unless I'm interested in the 22yr old from miles away who keeps winking at me.

OP posts:
CoverMeLads · 23/02/2018 10:54

I get the (misguided) “it/he was great, it/hecan be like that again” mindset you see over and over again on the Relationship boards.

And I guess I get “there’s no-one else out there”, especially as we age. But if a guy is acting like a cock to somebody he doesn’t even know, I’d rather die single.

Please remind me I typed this in a few months, if necessary Wink

Kinunir · 23/02/2018 10:59

All the men I have messaged and got no replies from are still on OLD and seem to be permanently online.

So sorry Runs, I'll get back to you soon. Promise. Grin

Vistaverde · 23/02/2018 11:01

Cover I think its something we all need reminding of. I have just unmatched a guy who obviously isn't really paying attention as he has just sent me almost identical responses to the last two messages I sent him.

I also have several men who are keeping me on the back burner as it is a few days since I have heard from them but they are yet to unmatch with me.

MargoLovebutter · 23/02/2018 11:03

Runs, do you think some of them are just there for the ego boost?

Original poster
RunsforCake14 · 23/02/2018 11:13

Kin you have an excuse to be permanently online. You're making up for lost time Grin

Margo I have no idea. Yes, there are probably a lot who are serial daters - go on lots of dates but have no intention of anything more.

I have a friend who's in her 40's, gorgeous and blonde and gets inundated with messages. She was messaged by someone my age who I liked the look of and he was a mutual match with me (so he had said yes to meet me). She politely turned him down. I messaged him. He ignored me. He continued to message my friend and she suggested he got in touch with me. He said he wasn't interested in me only her. Eventually she blocked him.
He is online every day, no matter what time I look. I know it isn't accurate but still he must be logging in a few times a day. And he's not the only one that has done this to me and my friend. I get that I'm not what they're looking for but why click yes to meet me?

OP posts:
Pavonia · 23/02/2018 11:28

"Meet me" is just a game, pay no regard to it.

MargoLovebutter · 23/02/2018 11:29

Runs, I have no luck at all with any man I message. If they are polite people, they will politely respond but it dries up as soon as I don't make the effort and they never ask questions about me. They just aren't interested.

I'm not sure what age you are, but IMO, I think mid to late 40s men & older are still of the generation of men who see themselves as the pursuers and don't like it the other way around. Could be talking utter bollocks here, but that seems to be the way it is to me.

Kinunir · 23/02/2018 11:33

I have no luck at all with any man I message. If they are polite people, they will politely respond but it dries up as soon as I don't make the effort and they never ask questions about me. They just aren't interested.

Same problem here with the women I'm messaging.

I think mid to late 40s men & older are still of the generation of men who see themselves as the pursuers and don't like it the other way around.

Hmmm, I'm that age and if someone doesn't show much interest in me and expects me to initiate everything I assume... no interest.

Pavonia · 23/02/2018 11:34

Margo I think it just that if they really like the look of you they will message first, if you have to message first then it is unlikely that they will really be interested. Obviously there are exceptions.

Pavonia · 23/02/2018 11:35

So Kin you said that three women had messages you, did you message back?

Kinunir · 23/02/2018 11:37

Pav I have messages 7 women on POF, 3 replies and 4 others messaged me. All but one conversation has dried up because I found them boring/not asking any questions.

19 matches on Tinder - 12 conversations initiated and all going strong. Never used Tinder before so don't know whether to make assumptions about what they are after/how quick to ask for the digits.

MargoLovebutter · 23/02/2018 11:41

Kin, I guess there will always be exceptions, it is just the experience I have had myself, so far. Like I said it could be bollocks, it is just what I've encountered.

I look at profile's I'm interested in and leave it at that. They know I've looked and some of them then get in touch. I do get lots of approaches from guys I am not interested in. At the beginning I politely replied saying "'Thank you for your message. I don't think we're a match but I appreciate you getting in touch." Often this didn't close down comms, or I got snarky messages back saying "WTF?" or similar, so I stopped doing that & now completely ignore all those I'm not interested in. No idea if that is the right thing to do and if someone has a better way of handling it, then I'm all ears.

Original poster
RunsforCake14 · 23/02/2018 11:43

Margo I'm 50 so I'm dealing with a lot of men who think they're still attractive to women in their 30's.

Pavonia I think you're right to some extent. However, all the dates I've had recently have been with men I've messaged first. And I obviously have no idea what I'm doing as none of them were for me!

OP posts:
Pavonia · 23/02/2018 11:49

I think it is very hard to get anything off the ground on POF as even when people show interest by initiating/replying it doesn't really seem to mean that they ARE interested.

That is a good hit rate on Tinder though, you have been busy! I wouldn't make any assumptions.

Pavonia · 23/02/2018 11:49

Sorry, that last message was aimed at Kin

MargoLovebutter · 23/02/2018 11:52

I'm not far off 50 either Runs. I find I struggle to find many I'm attracted to that are my age - so if they think they're gods gift to the younger ladies - good luck to them! Grin