Dating Thread 129 - Time to put a new spring in your step

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

kin what Bant said. You owe her nothing. Stop thinking logically.

eating that sounds lovely. I had this once and we were together for most of last year. Hope it continues to be good.

Val hope you're ok today

Sadik yes I'd make him a cake, most blokes like cake but possibly a bit early if you've only had a couple of dates.

Springtime I sometimes look at a profile I like but I'm unsure whether or not to send a message. If someone looks at me and I like the look of them then I'll message them. So far it hasn't got me anywhere. But neither has anything else!

I've also put people in favourites to see if that generates a message. If not then I message them and say something like 'I put you in my favourites because I like looking at your smile/hot body/interesting profile'. That works sometimes.

Maybe I'll skip the cake & go with a bottle of red & chocolate!

I'm going to give the holiday to a neighbour who hasn't been away in ages. You're all right, I shouldn't reward Miss I for the way she treated me.

Spring I often look late at night or early morning and no opening message springs to mind. I'll then return later, so not quite as clear cut as just 2 options imo.

If a woman views my profile but doesn't 'favourite' or wink at me, I'll assume she's not interested so unless I'm exceptionally keen on her profile I won't waste my time messaging.

I know it's generally accepted that men will have to send the first message but that takes me time and effort to come up with something other than 'hey there'. If I've got no positive signals at all from someone, then I won't bother. And looking at my profile isn't really a positive signal, that's just a sign that someone exists, not that they're potentially interested.

If two women look at my profile and only one winks, all other things being equal, I'll message the winker.

Kin that's a lovely idea.

I was in one of those 'can't be bothered with this' moods last night and deleted Tinder. Regretted it this morning so I started again and did a bit of swiping. But I forgot to alter my settings and I've matched with someone 10 years younger than me. He messaged straight away. He's hot but probably not looking for a deep meaningful relationship.

Bant that’s in regards to people that have looked at you, right? But presumably if you do a search and see a profile you like you’ll message, even if there’s been zero interest from her because she’s not seen yours yet?

Oh and good morning all, feeling way mor human. Bit worried about Val though......

If a woman views my profile but doesn't 'favourite' or wink at me, I'll assume she's not interested

I totally agree, though I've never been favourited or winked at in all the years I've done OLD so it's up to me to send first messages which, as Bant says, can be hard work, especially when only 50-60% of them will reply.

I'm a pretty decent guy in real life but OLD is very, very hard work for little reward generally.

Thanks runs it has taken me totally by surprise. I've lost count of the number of dates/meet ups I've had. It does start to get a bit soul destroying. To be honest I only messaged Mr J because Bumble said he 0.9 miles away and I was intrigued to see if it was correct!

Afternoon all!

Been catching up on all the news on here! kin definitely don't go on holiday with Miss I, she's had enough from you already and so many women more deserving of you.

I am pondering mooseburgers. How long to wait? I made clear to my iron from the start that I only dtd once I know them well etc. Well I've known this iron a couple of months but we've only met three times. We're in an odd situation where he's told me he really likes me and doesn't want to dtd unless I instigate it as he doesn't want to come on too strong so now an awkward situation.

Is there any reason to wait longer if we both really like each other? Will it ruin the mystery/romance?

Kin I think that's a much better idea to let someone else go if you aren't going to go yourself. If it had been a ski trip I would have bought it from you

Still talking to Mr BBC on WhatsApp, not constant but steady enough which I like.

I've also had a couple of messages from another really promising looking/sounding one. He lives about an hour and 20 minutes away but is originally from and still has family very near to where l live plus one of my best friends lives where he does so I do go there fairly regularly... it's still at early messaging stage though.

Mr Ireland aside, these two are by far the best 'on paper' prospects I've talked to in all my time on OLD so far - they're both in the right age range, attractive, polite, intelligent, interesting and outdoorsy with no kids, good jobs and lots of interests in common - so even if neither goes anywhere it's nice to know that they do exist!

Oh, also meant to say that I hope Val is ok.

In terms of viewing profiles/messaging I've pretty much given up on messaging first on POF and Tinder. Every single time I've done this I either get no response or they do reply but then stop after a few messages. I now swipe right or view their profile and then if they want to contact me they can. I've only ever had ongoing conversations/dates when the man has contacted me first so now I take it that if they're interested they'll contact me.

Yes Cover - I'll message someone I like the look of as long as their pictures are decent and they have something intelligible in their profile other than 'just ask' or 'I'll fill this bit in later'

If someone can't be arsed to spend ten minutes writing something interesting about themselves, why would I bother to write anything about them?

But for those who have viewed my profile, I'll be more likely to message them if they wink or something.

NewYear why have you only seen him three times in two months?

I don't like the way he has shifted the responsibility for this on to you.

Experts can i run something past you guys. So I've been speaking to a guy for a few days, have arranged a date for Friday, I'm keeping with what I've seen on this thread I'll call him Mr Gym. So were about an hour and 20 mins away from each other. By the time he finishes work it would be really late by time he got here so for this date im going to meet him in his home town. I know this town fairly well. Staying to city centre bars. Does this sound reasonable? I think so but a few of my friends have said be should come here for first date?

That sounds reasonable well - but it really depends on if he's making an effort too. You could compromise on meeting somewhere that's halfway? Neutral territory, so to speak?

There are no hard and fast rules which suit every situation, apart from the fact that anyone showing too much willingness to please can be offputting. You haven't met this man yet, you don't know if it'll really actually be him or his photos.

Is he suggesting you head over to his town or is it your suggestion? Will you drive or get a train?

New Year based on my experience and reading stuff on this thread (YEARS of research then ) DTD itself will not change his intent per se and will not ruin anything that was going to work anyway.

DTD can change how the woman behaves due to the bonding chemicals released by sex and that behaviour can change a relationship dynamic in the early days. Not necessarily instantly but the bonding chemicals flow pretty quickly. For example some women suddenly up the texting and comms, get all cutesy and cuddly and want more contact after presenting themselves as fun and independent so the guy is faced with a new personality when his poor old bonding hormones often take more time to show up. I think a lot of guys clear off when faced with this wondering why she's had a personality transplant and the woman, who's oblivious to the fact that she's following her instinct, wonders why she's been 'dumped' yet again...

If he vanishes or slow fades post DTD he was going to anyway.

There is a timing element in terms of finding out whether or not you're compatible but that can take months and months to establish in a new romance.

I say go for it! Hold his gaze and say I'm ready for you to come on too strong then enjoy!

Basically it's not just about the timing otherwise that would be waaayyy too easy! Good luck and have fun.

Spring Option 2 as well generally, unless I see someone has viewed me who I like the look of in which case I might send a message just in case.

When on POF I personally use favouriting more as a way to show I'm definitely interested and might perhaps just need a few days to come up with a witty opener or know I'm too busy for date soon but would like to keep someone on the radar.

Thank you Bant, yeah I think it was his suggestion. We both have young children so between juggling work patterns and child care seemed like the obvious suggestion. He did say he would come to my town if there was a next time. Could ask to meet somewhere neutral though. Good idea. I was going to take the train (so that i can have a wine to calm my nerves) but i could take the car.x

Sorry if you were worried about me - I just realised I'd been really stupid. I went over to my ex - when we split (my doing) we said we wanted to remain friends (perhaps with a few benefits thrown in). When I got there I realised I was 100% right to finish things. Whilst i'm very fond of him I just don't LIKE him if that makes sense. To complicate things further we have 2 holidays booked - one to visit his family at the end of March and hot holiday at the end of may with mutual friends - I think these two holidays have made me reluctant to embrace OLD fully. Oh the tangled webs we weave. I've always been a one man women - wouldn't even arrange 2 dates with different men when I was OLD - I met him on line and we were together just over 2 years. Thank you to those that were worried - you are a lovely bunch. Kin - I'm with everyone else - I would rather lose the money than reward her - does she have any morals apart from no sex for 2 years (yeah right).

Spring neither a) nor b) for me. If interested I'd message and I never wink or reply to those who do. I like someone with chutzpah so for me a winker is a write off... what a minefield. No wonder so many folk miss each other if winking etiquette and interpretation is so complicated. I never knew!

The problem is, there isn't an etiquette.

On bumble there is - you have to have a mutual swipe right and then the woman messages within 24 hours and the man replies within 24 hours. Everything else, match, pof, tinder - it's all just people trying to figure out which if these hundreds of pictures to try to make a connection with, and how.

beenthere - I see your your your point about chutzpah, but given that I get replies to about one message in six at the moment, I don't have that much chutzpah to go around :)

Pav we had a few weeks of messaging/calls before we met up and we've both had to cancel a couple of times due to childcare issues.

Been thanks that's very insightful! I kind of thought similar - if it's going to work then dtd after three dates vs six dates is slightly irrelevant. I'll see how the mood takes me I suppose thanks very much for the tip on not becoming really clingy and needy after dtd. I shall keep reminding myself that I'm the prize and if he doesn't keep coming back for more then there are plenty of other men out there

Well this weekend has been a write off but have a new iron, Miss Chatty, lined up for next weekend.

Still trying the alternative sites - I have a burning short-term need - without success. Any tips for what a man should do on fabswingers and adultfriendfinder?

None, other than don’t mention that you’re on there to any POF dates and buy some condoms