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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you date someone accused of attacking wife (now separated)

127 replies

Velvetrevolution · 19/02/2018 21:17

This sounds a stupid question but would you rule out a second date with someone who had been arrested for attacking their wife? Imprisoned over the weekend but no charges brought. Presumably alleged physical assault, don’t know details.

OP posts:
InternetHoopJumper · 20/02/2018 13:57

@MargaretCavendish

*Because one (false) allegation shouldn't mean he's destined to be single for life.

But that's not OP's problem, or any other woman in this situation. She's not obliged to go out with a potentially dangerous man because it would be 'unfair' if no one did.*

Absolutely, a 100% this ^

SandyY2K · 20/02/2018 18:22

It's very easy for women to make up DV. I've seem a woman say she did it as to ger her H out of the house...as she'd decided on a divorce.

C0untDucku1a · 20/02/2018 18:32

sandy that was a friend of yours?

MargaretCavendish · 20/02/2018 18:35

It's also very easy for a man to abuse multiple women and get away without a single criminal conviction. Why would anyone take the risk of being his next victim?

I am genuinely shocked by this thread. I had always believed that without exception domestic violence victims only get a first hint of the true nature of their abuser when they're already deeply involved with him, and that that's how abusers find their victims. I never imagined that some women would know a man might well be an abuser but give him the benefit of the doubt anyway.

GottadoitGottadoit · 20/02/2018 18:51

I did. However I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. If I were I would not have. He was never violent but I never quite got over that feeling of him being on probation.

FlippingFoal · 20/02/2018 19:27

I am genuinely shocked by this thread. I had always believed that without exception domestic violence victims only get a first hint of the true nature of their abuser when they're already deeply involved with him, and that that's how abusers find their victims. I never imagined that some women would know a man might well be an abuser but give him the benefit of the doubt anyway.

This! I couldn't have put it better myself. There are so many good men out there why even start a relationship with one waving a huge red flag. Do some women really not feel they are worth more? Even if the DV charges are false do you want to invite that sort of drama from an ex into your life? Do people really feel so worthless that they accept this?

Mayday01 · 20/02/2018 22:13

No way.
My role sometimes overlaps with working with women escaping DV.
I've lost count of the number of women who have been told about the crazy ex girlfriend making trouble, and now are themselves portrayed as the crazy girlfriend.
If I heard an inkling of someone being an abuser, I'd be off, no point in taking the risk of potentially being stalked, harassed and abused. This is probably due to my job though.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 20/02/2018 22:37

No fucking way.

I was told all about the crazy liar ex girlfriend. I am now the crazy liar ex girlfriend myself. It’s taught me a valuable lesson: when someone mentions a crazy lying ex I would fucking run. And advise those I Care about to do the same.

Worldsworstcook · 20/02/2018 23:37

Maybe I missed it. Why or how did you find the article online? Did he tell you or did curiousity get the better of you and you just googled his name?

butterfly56 · 21/02/2018 00:06

No definitely not worth the risks

FlippingFoal · 21/02/2018 00:26

when someone mentions a crazy lying ex I would fucking run

100%!

PurpleAlien · 21/02/2018 00:48

Whilst I agree it's not usual, some men do have a crazy ex. My brother does. In my opinion the woman has some sort of personality disorder. The police have been involved more than once. He genuinely wouldn't hurt a fly. He still cares for her, even though to anyone who'll listen she is the abused wife. It's just awful.

I hate to think that no one would give him a chance just because his ex-wife is batshit.

But on the flip side I myself would probably avoid a man accused of abuse. I wouldn't want to take the risk. I was once (a long time ago) with a man who punched me. He was so incredibly charming, if had given me a sob story about some batshit ex I undoubtedly (in my young naivety) would've believed him.

Are there any red flags? With my charming but abusive ex the red flags were definitely there, I just chose to ignore them because I was 16 and thought I was in love.

KanyeWesticle · 21/02/2018 12:19

@MargaretCavendish @InternetHoopJumper
I fully admit to a huge level of naivety in this. My recation was my honest answer, not an ideal one - for sure. Of course, OP should put herself first.

InternetHoopJumper · 21/02/2018 12:32

I have seen both. I have seen crazy exes and I have seen friends of mine being dubbed "the crazy ex", then again all exes before them were "crazy" too.

I'd say it doesn't matter who is telling the truth. Either you are in danger from your own partner (most likely scenario) or the ex will come after you. Neither is your problem and none of it is worth the risk to your own health and well-being.

Run in either case.

BertrandRussell · 21/02/2018 12:35

"First sign of any aggression towards me is where I would draw the line"
By the time that happens it may very well be too late. It's incredibly hard to escape from an abuser. Don't risk it.

pollythedolly · 21/02/2018 13:26

Or he could be an abuser AND have a batshit crazy ex.

Would you date someone accused of attacking wife (now separated)
gta · 21/02/2018 14:47

Yes .

gta · 21/02/2018 14:52

Yes . Turned out his ex had lied and has now been charged with wasting police time and perverting the course of justice. Courts in March. She's harassed us for 3 years so I can't wait to see her get what she deserves . Horrible bitch

Whattodo2022 · 21/02/2018 17:10

Why woukd you take the risk after one date? There are no feelings at the point. Must be mad to even consider it

RubberJohnny · 21/02/2018 17:15

No. My friend is currently divorcing a bastard of a husband. His previous wife had fallen down the stairs and had a miscarriage. Had lost countless other babies. Had tried to commit suicide many times and was apparently mentally il. Friend believed him when he twisted it to look like all the ex's fault.

He started being violent to my friend when she was four months pregnant.

She now has to fight to keep him from having unsupervised access to their child. He is a complete and utter cunt.

On my friends experience, I'd run.

RubberJohnny · 21/02/2018 17:16

And one of my ex's I bet has gone on to be violent. I thankfully managed to get rid when young. He was an a angel....till he turned.

Original poster
Velvetrevolution · 22/02/2018 00:05

I’ve made my excuses and said just we weren’t suited. Slightly prominent person locally which is maybe why he was named. Wonder why not charged as I think police in Scotland refuse to drop charges in DV cases now. Found out by googling his name, a report I read a couple of years ago rang alarm bells even before that about someone (him) from his village being arrested. Too risky, massive red flag, and like you say nothing invested at this stage.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 22/02/2018 10:03

Really glad to hear that, OP - think you've absolutely done the right thing to keep yourself safe.

MelissaM · 22/02/2018 10:19

I would have said " no way" until someone I know was reported to the police for 'attacking' his wife, and it was all lies. Go in with an open mind, but if he shows signs of doing this to you then walk away. Unfortunately women can be nasty and vindictive, in the same way that some men are violent. I assume he was upfront and told you about this and that's how you know.

MelissaM · 22/02/2018 10:24

Sorry didn't see you post above - fair enough. He hasn't told you about it and if it was known enough to be in the press then he should have been upfront if there was nothing to hide.

Sounds like there were enough bells sounding for you to walk away now and I'm glad you did