Would you date someone accused of attacking wife (now separated)

[Velvetrevolution]

This sounds a stupid question but would you rule out a second date with someone who had been arrested for attacking their wife? Imprisoned over the weekend but no charges brought. Presumably alleged physical assault, don’t know details.

I would give a very wide berth. Especially after your latest post re meeting via online dating site.

I'm completely astonished and really disturbed at how many women in this thread say they'd consider it - most disturbing of all is how many women apparently routinely assume other women are lying about abuse. Before reading this thread I would have said that of course no woman would keep seeing the man in this situation. I guess it's one of those moments where you realise how lucky and blinded to your luck you are - I can't even imagine feeling like this was an acceptable option for me.

No way.

Potentially, it’s not a deal breaker for me- they were ho eat about it. But I would find it harder/take longer to trust them. If it’s a one off, I’d at least let them explain and then take dating slowly.

Can people really be so desperate for a date to take the risk? The poster is talking about online dating, a complete stranger till they met and after one date and not even on date two. How can there be any huge attachment at that point.

I would ask any posters if your child started dating a person with that history would you be happy?

Hell no. Not worth the risk.

I would have been perfectly happy to continue when I was younger, so keen to be fair, so keen to give the benefit of the doubt, so sure it would be a mistake, tripping over myself to believe the story of high drama and terrible cruelty by the crazed woman scorned...

But that’s because I was young, and damaged myself, given no healthy relationship models growing up, and absolutely no idea that I deserved protecting or caring for myself.

Now, being older, uglier and a lot less naive, I’d say no. You don’t owe this man anything. You certainly don’t owe him your safety and risk to your future wellbeing, just to ‘be fair’ or give him a chance.

And on the balance of probabilities, it’s far more likely that the man had beaten up this woman, rather than a woman concocting lies to trick the police into arresting and keeping him for the weekend... although society points us in the more ‘reassuring’ direction of ‘crazy girlfriend spreading lies’.

I actually can't believe how many women would give this man a chance aswell. I actually thought I was really stupid for giving my ex and chance and no one would be that stupid but like I said I was 21 and very immature, so I'm surprised how many woman actually would.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently actually. In a little over a week's time it will be the first anniversary of the day that I reported STBEX to the police and he was subsequently convicted of assault.

He has moved on and is now living with a new GF and her DC. I have met her once, as she had to do the handover of the children due to the restraining order. She seems very nice and the DC really like her.
She must know about it all and I am utterly baffled as to how/why she is with him. Presumably I am the crazy bitch overreacting ex.

"they were honest about it." Except he wasn't - op found out herself by googling.

I also agree with pps saying even IF he's innocent that means there's a dodgy ex to deal with - too much hassle.

Alleged. Allegations might be false.

I'd try and find out more (from others, not just his side) before ruling him out. I wouldn't be alone in private with him before then.

I'd try and find out more (from others, not just his side) before ruling him out

But why would you do that? The downsides of giving up on someone you've gone on two dates with are so small, and the risks are so huge if you get it wrong and stay with a violent man. It just makes me really sad that so many women here are setting their bar as low as 'only possibly a wife beater'.

Who from Kanye? The police? As equally just because someone isn't convicted doesn't meant it didn't happen. I only went to the police once but dropped the charges against my ex as I didn't want to go to court.

Because one (false) allegation shouldn't mean he's destined to be single for life.
As soon as there's any evidence whatsoever that he is guilty - done.

This might be something Clare's Law would cover - does anyone know if accusations are declared, or just convictions?

A second date? How much of an impression can this man have made on date 1 for this to seem like a good idea? I'd not take the risk for someone I barely knew.

yes because we all know one spiteful bitch that would lie to cause trouble for an ex

And frankly I don’t want to date somebody with a psycho ex either. Why would I, when I could date somebody with no psycho ex instead? Yes it’s unfair for the man, but fairness is not really my concern before we’ve even had date 2.

God no way. Never ever ever. Loads of abusers can seem so charming and convincing.

I'd run like I was being chased by a rabid hyena.

Yes I definitely would rule out a second date.
Either it's true and he did attack her or she's vindictive and falsely accused him.
Got no time no either situation.

No time 'for' either situation

PP has it here:

He's either abusive or there's a vindictive ex in the background. Nobodys worth that kind of aggro.

That's the point isn't it? Either it's true (in which case we'd probably all agree it's a bad idea to entertain any kind of contact for your own personal safety) OR it isn't but he has an ex who is a liar, mentally unstable and willing to risk being imprisoned for contempt just to get at him (in which case why would you invite that into your life).

Either way, it's just not worth it. There are millions of men in the world. You don't need this kind of problem.

Because one (false) allegation shouldn't mean he's destined to be single for life.

But that's not OP's problem, or any other woman in this situation. She's not obliged to go out with a potentially dangerous man because it would be 'unfair' if no one did.

I’ve been a journalist for the best part of two decades. I’ve never once named a suspect unless they’ve been charged, or unless the cops ask us to for a witness appeal.

The only other time I’ve seen it happen is if the person is famous or the case is very high profile (murder etc).

Although there is no law against naming an arrested party, it is common practise for local newspapers not to not name the suspect, mainly because they rarely know the name, but also because of the risk of libel.

My friend’s DD went out with a man accused of violence and controlling manipulation by his ex. She was of course portrayed, by this man, as unstable and that her actions “made me do it”.

My friend’s DD married him about a year after they met, even though he had been very controlling before the marriage, but he spent £10,000 on an engagement ring. He was then found to have a tracking device on her phone and always asked detailed questions of who she was with and was jealous of work colleagues and friends. He earned a lot though, so she swept it under the carpet.

2 years on and he’s violent and she’s left him. It was her third marriage and 3 children are being subjected to upheaval yet again . Some people never learn.

Don’t go near him. Quite often nothing happens because the woman won’t go to court and testify against a violent partner. It does not mean violence didn’t happen though. The ex wife tried to tell my friend’s DD but the money was of more interest and it fell on deaf ears. Avoid this man. There are others available!

NO.

No.
Imho, it could be possible that telling you on the first date is a play.

You have no emotional connection and so much is said on the first date (and on line?) that he may hope you will discard this morsel of information in favor of his great presentation and overall charm (and “honesty”) in the midst of a flood of compliments, positive mirroring, and potential love bombing.

Then, later, when the abuse happens, he’ll pony out the line that he told you what he was like from the very beginning. You stayed so you were ok with it. Not that this is any kind of excuse but it reveals a manipulation.

He is telling you who he is. Listen.