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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you date someone accused of attacking wife (now separated)

127 replies

Velvetrevolution · 19/02/2018 21:17

This sounds a stupid question but would you rule out a second date with someone who had been arrested for attacking their wife? Imprisoned over the weekend but no charges brought. Presumably alleged physical assault, don’t know details.

OP posts:

Namechanger2015 · 19/02/2018 22:04

I did. I married him because she was a spiteful lying bitch who lied. Of course he then started hitting me and three children later I left, and am probably labelled as the spiteful bitch this time round.

bitzy12 · 19/02/2018 22:05

My dh was in a similar situation before meeting me. Dh found out his ex had been messaging others, he wasn't pleased about it obvs but she attacked him and tried to put a knife to him. In self defence he had to hold her down on the kitchen floor then made a run for it.

She forced her dad to take her to a&e the next day as she thought he had broken her wrist. He hadn't. It wasnt even swollen. She didn't have a scratch on her

She next contacted social services (unfortunately they have a child together) and they said they couldn't really do much unless she went to the police which they really really urged her to do....she never did.

She never went to the police because dh was black and blue. She left him with a black eye, bruised nose scratches on his shoulder etc. He should of gone to the police which I think he now regrets....

She then proceeded to stop dh from seeing their child for 3 months meanwhile not even her own dad believed her of the 'attack' and to this day only has good things to say about dh. Her dad still has so much time for him.

We got together and she wanted him back so that says a hell of a lot in itself.

So in my case, there's the other side. When dh first told me that story - which he did early on - I was very unsure of continuing with him. It was only when I saw the proof (pictures he took and messages from her basically admitting it all which he kept just incase it went any further) did I totally believe him. Over the time I've seen with my own eyes what a piece of work she is and she has bruised his arm as recently as last year (trapped his arm in a door when he said he couldn't have their child an extra night)

I do think this story is rare though. If dh didn't have the proof I'm not sure I'd be with him in all honesty

Karigan1 · 19/02/2018 22:05

Problem is there are crazy women out there that lie about being assaulted go get their partners in trouble but there is also a lot of dv. I might have a second date and be alert to any red flags

upsideup · 19/02/2018 22:10

Yes, because we all know one spiteful bitch that would lie to cause trouble for an ex.

This, I unfortuantly have come across several. I would want to know more details OP but I wouldnt rule them out completely.

WickedLazy · 19/02/2018 22:11

"Yes, because we all know one spiteful bitch that would lie to cause trouble for an ex."

I finaly took my ex to court for abh. I'd left him two weeks before, after he was caught cheating. A fortnight later he beat me up in a drunken rage, ripped chunks of my hair out, kicked me, had me by the throat etc. Non of this a first. I thought "he's never going to leave me alone, unless I do something drastic", so I went to the police (and didn't drop the charges this time). He got off with it. His solicitor tore me to shreds. He had a self selected shark, I had a pps appointed goldfish. His family are still convinced I'm just a jealous, nasty, shit stiring little bastard. But I'm not. They have no fucking idea what he put me through, over a 6 year period, and just how twisted he can be. So no, these days I wouldn't touch a guy with accusations like this against him, with a barge pole.

I don't think women lie about this as much as is made out. More likely a mother or new partner or whatever doesn't want to believe the man's capable of that. Telling the truth about something like this, and not being believed, can be pretty soul destroying. I'm so glad my close family and friends believed me

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/02/2018 22:14

Statistically it's more likely that he did it than she lied. So for a first date I definitely wouldn't take that risk.

If you were already in a relationship and knew him well and strongly believed him then you might weigh it differently.... but still a risk as many abusers put on a front until the woman is 'trapped' - domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy for example.

It is shit for the small number of men who get falsely accused, but ultimately I wouldn't put my safety on the line.

InternetHoopJumper · 19/02/2018 22:16

I have seen sveral stories of guys with exes who did lie. I would still say to run for the hills, because it means the guy has an ex crazy enough to lie about something as serious as domestic violence in the hope of sending somebody to jail. What makes you think she would not come after you.

What else is a red flag is the fact that he told you this on the first date. Most people will probably have at least one ex who may not be so very nice, but why bring up a painful past on the first date? Sounds fishy to me.

WickedLazy · 19/02/2018 22:19

All of you that are so sure these women are lying, how do you know? The majority of people I know, would never have thought my ex capable of any of the shit he did. Why are you all so convinced the women are lying and not the men..?

Trills · 19/02/2018 22:21

Nope.

After one date I am not invested in this man enough for it to be worth wasting any time on the tiny possibility that it's all a lie and he is completely innocent.

That's not a good use of my time or energy.

Bumdishcloths · 19/02/2018 22:30

Naively, I have done. I wouldn't recommend it. Steep, unpleasant learning curve with an abusive narcissist.

Original poster

Velvetrevolution · 19/02/2018 22:45

I only found out as it was in the local papers, it was a couple of years ago. Arrested but not charged. Online date so nothing invested, so will make polite excuses. At best probably highly toxic relationship and some kind of fight and massive red flag.

OP posts:

bitzy12 · 19/02/2018 23:42

@WickedLazy photographic evidence and texts of proof. Without those, I probably wouldn't of believed. The fact that no one in her family believed her, they all still like dh - especially her dad. Would you really still like someone if they beat up your child? Nope

The fact she wanted him back when we got together. Would you really want someone back who beat you up? Nope

ThisLittleKitty · 19/02/2018 23:51

Sorry if I'm being thick but why was it in the papers if he wasn't convicted. Did you find out by googling his name??

ferando81 · 20/02/2018 00:03

In a situation like this you really need to have your eyes wide open and not be wearing rose tinted glasses.Listen to what other people say about him .Is he short tempered?No empathy,intolerant.First sign of trouble run

CalleighDoodle · 20/02/2018 00:03

Would you really want someone back who beat you up? Nope
sadly, usually by the violence stage there has been a great deal of emotional abuse and they frequently do stay and want to continue the relationship. Check out the relationship board almost every day.

Worldsworstcook · 20/02/2018 00:12

Can't you check with the local police? Aren't they meant to give you this info if there have been previous allegations made?

In answer to your question .... NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Why would you even risk it! Let someone else prove his ex wrong. In my experience 99 times out of 100 it's not a lie and history repeats itself.

HatsontheWardrobe · 20/02/2018 00:24

I only found out as it was in the local papers, it was a couple of years ago. Arrested but not charged

OP, I'm not sure if you realise that it's incredibly unusual for a suspect to be named by the police before charge, especially in cases of DV.

This is only usually done if there is a suspicion that there may be other victims who haven't yet come forward.

Once charged, the name is in the public domain, and then if a trial takes place, the details of the allegation are revealed in the court proceedings.

Are you sure he was not charged?

Graphista · 20/02/2018 00:32

No way!

Brother a police officer and as pps said they don't/can't arrest purely on an allegation. In DV cases they usually see some kind of physical evidence, the guy is known to them and/or he's become aggro with the police too.

I'm guessing he's told you on the first date. People generally try to present their best self - if this is him at his best...

I'd also be wondering if there's a court order where he's required to disclose this - because he's suspected but not quite enough evidence to convict - of being violent.

You could double check via Clare's law but honestly after 1 date I'd just write him off.

Graphista · 20/02/2018 00:34

Sorry - just read your last post.

Very unusual for a suspect to be named if not convicted.

Ivebeenaroundtheblock · 20/02/2018 00:40

I know a young lady who had an argument with her bf in public. She threw his cellphone on the ground (he was cheating), in his attempt to retrieve the phone he bumped his head on hers, split his lip. Witnessed by police, the young lady spent a night in the cells and had to take anger management courses....
Honestly I’d need to know more, sometimes people get locked up for odd reasons.

Gekkoforprimeminister · 20/02/2018 00:53

No, whichever way you look at it, it's a MAJOR red flag. Either he did it or there's s batshit vindictive ex in the picture. Either way though....run!!

HappydaysArehere · 20/02/2018 08:10

Why were no charges made? Sounds as if your problem might be the situation he is in. However, do you really want that uncertainty in your life?

PrimalLady · 20/02/2018 08:24

Depends.

The man I'm seeing has a lying abusive bully for an ex who made up lots of stories. I know because I've experienced it first hand, and I noticed her behaviour before I met him (they weren't together).

I can't imagine how I'd feel if people upped and left the minute someone made an accusation, however i would say if things are ongoing a relationship is probably not the best thing for anyone.

PrimalLady · 20/02/2018 08:28

Also, even when he's entirely innocent, it is trying. I have had death threats against me and my children (when she found out I was the one helping him access support she'd told him wasnt available in our area), she's had me followed and watched in public.

When she realised I wasn't another person who would take her shit she went to the police and accused me of doing everything she'd done to me. Id already been to the police so she didn't get tee reaction she wanted.

Basically what I'm saying is innocent or not it can get complicated and messy and it is not very nice. I'm pretty confident at dealing with her sort, but Think carefully.

RandomDreams · 20/02/2018 08:33

Nope, also why was he named in the papers if he was innocent?

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