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Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

96 replies

TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:23

My DH's sex drive has completely dwindled to the point where, on the rare occasion we've had sex in the last 12-13 ish years, it has been an act of duty for him, rather than any genuine desire to have sex with me. The last time was 3 years ago after I said we were essentially just housemates and good friends rather than a marriage, which he was upset to hear so he said he'd make more effort. We subsequently had literally 30 seconds of sex, no foreplay, and he rolled off me as soon as he had finished, no hugging or kissing, and that was the last time it happened.

I've not mentioned it again or tried to instigate sex again because I obviously don't want to force someone to have sex with me who doesn't want to. He's clearly happy to never do it again Sad And the last time was so bad and he obviously only did it because of what I had said that I felt terrible for making him feel like he had to. So I've left him alone since then and decided not to try again.

But what now for me? He's got what he wants - a really nice happy marriage, but he doesn't have to have sex and I never try to discuss it anymore so he doesn't have to have any awkward conversations again.

I'm only 43 and I miss so so much someone else touching me, I miss kissing, I miss feeling sexy.

Could you stay in a sexless marriage if everything else was good? I love him very much and the thought of leaving him just because of sex seems so extreme.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 19/02/2018 16:26

if you were both asexual than I's said yes... but Sweetheart you grave the love and affection sexual intimacy brings you... so in your situation I would say no.. it would not be fair on you to stay ... sorry Flowers

Whatwouldkeithrichardsdo · 19/02/2018 16:30

This sounds so hard for you.

Would you want an open marriage? Would your husband understand that?

Either way, you need to discuss this with your husband. Also, has your husband seen a doctor?

Insanityinthesuburbs · 19/02/2018 16:31

Nope. Sorry.

wfrances · 19/02/2018 16:35

nope from me as well.

busyknee · 19/02/2018 16:36

I would if I really loved him. There's so much more that's important in a relationship, than sex. But I'd miss the intimacy and the affection.

fantasmasgoria1 · 19/02/2018 16:37

The last for years with my ex h were sexless and it was awful (there were many other problems and abuse). I felt unsexy and unwanted. He said it was the booze and not my fault but he was addicted to porn although he said he did not wank to it? Just imagine how you are going to feel in five or ten years time. That’s what I did and I got out. Perhaps you should too.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:37

Yes that's it exactly. It's the intimacy and affection that goes hand in hand with a sex life that I miss.

No, he's not seen a doctor - he's said that he's tired and thinks it normal to not want sex in your 30s/40s. But that's literally as much as I've got out of him - he has shut down every conversation I've started about sex by saying he'd make more of an effort.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/02/2018 16:39

I don’t know, I love DH so much. It would be difficult, I love the intimacy sex brings. As well as having a physical urge. What a sad position to be in OP. It’s hard to advise.

anxious2017 · 19/02/2018 16:39

Of course, if I loved them.

woodhill · 19/02/2018 16:39

He could see a doctor.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:40

That's the awful thing - I love him very much. I know I'd be so sad without him in my life.

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 19/02/2018 16:40

My answer to your question would be no.

I take this is not due to a medical issue and assume you would have discussed this with your husband? What has he said? Have you sought help, counselling etc.

It must really upset you OP. So sorry you are facing this dilemma. Of course sex isn’t the only important thing in a marriage, but it’s an important part for most loving couples. If I was in your shoes I would feel unloved and rejected.

AbsolutelyCorking · 19/02/2018 16:40

I absolutely would as I made a vow to my husband that means a lot to me. I find it sad that people get divorced so easily these days.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:41

Yes I do feel very rejected. And ugly and unwanted and sexless. I feel like I'm old before my time.

OP posts:
Dissimilitude · 19/02/2018 16:42

Currently in one myself. Pretty soul destroying. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and if you can get out without destroying everyone else’s situation I’d advise doing it.

expatinscotland · 19/02/2018 16:43

Depends. If you're agreeable to an open marriage, perhaps.

Kinunir · 19/02/2018 16:43

Absolutely not. As others have said, a lack of intimacy leaves the affected person feeling unloved and unwanted.

SomeonesRealName · 19/02/2018 16:44

I would only stay if the reason was medical or psychological and my partner was actively seeking treatment to address the issue or had exhausted all avenues to treat it AND was affectionate and loving towards me and understanding of the impact on me and keen to mitigate it as much as possible. I would not stay with someone who refused to discuss it, refused to acknowledge it, or whose reasons for withdrawing affection and intimacy were not acceptable to me, such as no longer finding me attractive or being in love with someone else.

OutyMcOutface · 19/02/2018 16:45

Do you have any other reason to stay together? Children perhaps? Or it makes better sense financially? If not then I suppose then I suppose it depends on how much you love him. I probably would but then again I may not feel the same way after a dozen sexless years. Perhaps it may be time to consider less traditional marriage arrangements-an open marriage perhaps? If I was the party not wanting sex I would probably agree to something like that-I wouldn't want someone I love to be unhappy if there was a way to stop that.

RaingodsWithZippos · 19/02/2018 16:45

I am, but only because it's not anyone's fault it's sexless. DH is dying, and so sex isn't really on his radar, because he is in too much pain, his meds have removed his libido, and I worry that he may die if he over-exerts himself (breathing is a huge issue). We love each other deeply and both of us wish things were different, but it's just how life is for us. We always had such a good sex life before he became ill, we are still affectionate and try every now and then to spark interest but his equipment has lost its hydraulic function. He can't try viagra either because of a heart condition brought on by his illness.

It's crap but we both are mourning the loss of our sex lives rather than one of us being disinterested. I don't know if I could cope if the reason for the lack of sex was a personal thing.

keepingbees · 19/02/2018 16:45

No I wouldn't, and I think it is quite selfish of him to expect you to. If you're both happy with it then that's different. But he's denying you something that's natural and important to you, and seems to have no comprehension of how he's making you feel.
Yes he's entitled to not want to, but equally you are entitled to want to. I think when one half of a partnership withdraws sex with no effort and expects the other person to just live with it then it's incredibly selfish, sorry.

NotSoSprightly · 19/02/2018 16:46

100% no.

welshmist · 19/02/2018 16:50

Some more posts here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3165663-Staying-in-a-sexless-marriage

SongforSal · 19/02/2018 16:51

OP I am in a similar situation to you. I don't know what the answer is unfortunately. My Dp has had erectile issues for the last few years. He got drunk once and blamed me for putting pressure on him to maintain his erection. He maybe initiates every few months, but rarely is PIV on the cards, that happens and lasts seconds. He refused the doctor and councilling. I have in the past half jokingly suggested I get my needs met elsewhere. That's a huge no-no from him. So I have to pretend I'm OK. I can't tell friends as they are mutual and I wouldn't embaress him like that. The worst thing is I'm 35, and that aspect feels over now. Whilst I'm sharing, a few months ago a male colleague told me I was beautiful and my Dp was a lucky man. Rather than feeling complimented, I feel my femininity is a lie and I'm not a real woman. I do try and talk to Dp, but he doesn't want to communicate with me about it. I guess I'm in a waiting game on my own, wanting him to take positive action, whilst bumbling on with work, kids, and everything in between. Not ideal.

Halebeke425 · 19/02/2018 16:52

I couldn't, no. Would either of you be comfortable with the idea of an open marriage, where you can see someone else for sex as long as you both agree to some ground rules? I understand it's a really tricky thing and certainly not the answer for everyone. But if you go on like this you may grow to resent him or sleep walk into an affair as soon as someone else shows you some attention, which can be much more damaging. I'm sorry you're in this situation. You shouldn't ignore your needs though.