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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

96 replies

TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:23

My DH's sex drive has completely dwindled to the point where, on the rare occasion we've had sex in the last 12-13 ish years, it has been an act of duty for him, rather than any genuine desire to have sex with me. The last time was 3 years ago after I said we were essentially just housemates and good friends rather than a marriage, which he was upset to hear so he said he'd make more effort. We subsequently had literally 30 seconds of sex, no foreplay, and he rolled off me as soon as he had finished, no hugging or kissing, and that was the last time it happened.

I've not mentioned it again or tried to instigate sex again because I obviously don't want to force someone to have sex with me who doesn't want to. He's clearly happy to never do it again And the last time was so bad and he obviously only did it because of what I had said that I felt terrible for making him feel like he had to. So I've left him alone since then and decided not to try again.

But what now for me? He's got what he wants - a really nice happy marriage, but he doesn't have to have sex and I never try to discuss it anymore so he doesn't have to have any awkward conversations again.

I'm only 43 and I miss so so much someone else touching me, I miss kissing, I miss feeling sexy.

Could you stay in a sexless marriage if everything else was good? I love him very much and the thought of leaving him just because of sex seems so extreme.

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 27/02/2018 16:37

Polly, I sympathise as I feel the same. To be honest I am now 55 and have been with a partner or husband since 15 and to be frank i Feel sh**ed out after 40 years of sexual life. I am affectionate and giving but just really don't feel like actual sex anymore, particularly after the menopause. We have had other emotional crap to deal with too and its taken its toll. To be honest, I'm quite happy with maybe once every 5 or 6 weeks, but I know my H is not , but its difficult to force it if you aren't feeling it and not really nice for the other person either to feel you see it as a chore or 'put up' with it. . I find myself feeling envious on here of those whose DH aren't that bothered anymore and that's not good either I know.

MrsElvis · 27/02/2018 16:42

How would you or he feel about you going elsewhere to full your needs?

HughE · 27/02/2018 19:14

It may be the result of low testosterone, particularly if he's not watching porn or having an affair but has just completely lost his sex drive, and has other symptoms of low T, such as depression, fatigue, weight gain, inability to think clearly, muscle wasting, neck and back pain etc.

Unfortunately the NHS is completely useless when it comes to diagnosing and treating this particular condition. If he has any residual T production at all, they're likely to say his levels are "normal", even if they're anything but. Still, a starting point would be to go to his doctor and have his hormone levels checked.

Sn0wSn0w · 27/02/2018 19:32

43 is not old ! Imagine you are 100 do you want to look back and say I stayed in an unhappy marriage, I had the opportunity to start again and I didn't. Ultimately, it is your choice to make to stay or start again. So do you make a quick choice or wait a few more years and see if things improve..

edibleweirdo · 27/02/2018 19:38

If he was utterly brilliant in every other way I might try open marriage, but tbh I have doubts about that. I DO currently have an open marriage (or, polyamory - 2 men I'm faithful to and vice versa, a 'V') but it came about from a very strong place in my primary partnership, not a 'lack' in him at all, we still have a buttload of great sex thankfully. I could only do open marriage in your scenario if the original man was definitely happy to 'contract out' the sex! If I was going to be made to feel guilty....no.

Otherwise, I just couldn't stay.

Usedaname01 · 27/02/2018 21:59

I can understand why some people might and if something were to lead to my DH and I never having sex again I wouldn't just up and leave of course. But for me I feel like it makes me feel closer to him than I am to anyone else. Yes I tell him how all my secrets and how I'm feeling and the same in reverse but that's the same with my closest friends or my family. So it's something personal to us, not to mention sex let's me forget about everything else and well it's feels nice.

Usedaname01 · 27/02/2018 22:00

^^although we have gone a few months before without it when he worked away when we first started dating and when DD was younger

HelenaDove · 28/02/2018 00:47

ChocolateCoveredPringle Wed 21-Feb-18 11:05:11
"If a man had written this post, he would be told he was being unreasonable"

And when a woman posts about it shes asked if her appearance has changed and/or put on weight. Even by other women.

So i would say its pretty even

MinnieMousse · 28/02/2018 00:55

In your circumstances, I think I would give it one last chance to talk about how unhappy it is making you and then consider separating if nothing changes. I'm in a relationship where we don't have sex at all often, but I put it down to being a phase and both of us being tired out from young children and busy lives. I have hopes it will improve in the future. It doesn't sound like you have hope.

windchimesabotage · 28/02/2018 01:01

Not in your situation no.

I would if it was a medical issue which meant he couldnt. I would if he was still interested in making me feel good in other ways even if he didnt want penetrative sex himself. I would if he had agreed there was an issue and was actually working on it in some way so there was a chance the situation would improve.

But your DH sounds very selfish. He wont even discuss it with you!! You need to be able to talk about this to see if you can come to some agreement over what to do.
If he wont talk about it at all even after all this time then Im not sure theres much you can do apart from consider leaving him.

Jon66 · 28/02/2018 01:06

Is he gay?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/02/2018 01:10

OP I've been there, it's soul destroying.

We were together 15 years, from when I was 21...sex started dwindling off after about 5 years, no sex at all by 8 years time

We had no children, I was still in my 20s, it was truly awful.

We stuck it out with our heads in the sand but I just couldn't live like it any more. Must admit that leaving absolutely broke my heart but it was the right thing to do (for me)

MrsDilber · 28/02/2018 01:40

If he was warm, affectionate and loving in day to day life, I could. I couldn't live with a cold man or mean man.

Terfinater · 28/02/2018 03:23

If a man had written this post, he would be told he was being unreasonable

Why do people insist on doing this whataboutery? Its completely irrelevant. Are you actually suggesting that men get called a sex pest just for wanting sex? Or are you excusing the porn sick perverts we here about on here?

Terfinater · 28/02/2018 03:28

I agree with a pp who said it could be low testosterone. The most worrying part i think is that he won't see a gp, which means he doesn't want to solve the issue.

PushMyButton · 28/02/2018 13:42

I agree with @Terfinater ... It's not that there IS a problem that would bother me- it's the fact he has no interest at all in fixing it.

Beetlejizz · 28/02/2018 14:33

It's always weird reading a thread like this and then countless ones in other groups on here about men getting shirty over a lack of sex and people saying to DTB because while sex is nice, it's not vital for a relationship

It's only weird if you expect everyone on MN to hold the same views.

Fwiw OP no I wouldn't stay. I think in that situation the person who doesn't want sex has an obligation to try and address that, and the one who does want it has an obligation not to try and whine or bully them into it. But if the situation persists, you're fundamentally incompatible.

Olisie3 · 28/02/2018 14:41

I am in very similar situation. Only I am 32, we have 3 kids, and there is really no way for me to leave him. I will not manage with kids on my own. Beside he's being a great dad. Only I do not exist for him. Every time I spoke to him about this issue, he not response at all (mostly), because there is no issue for him. Sometimes promissed to do something about that. And every time he tried it was tragedy. I felt even worse about myself, because it was always sex of pity. He knows I feel unloved and unwanted, but I think he just doesn't care about that anymore. Now, I stay only because of kids. But being in your situation, with no kids or with grown ups, I would leave.

Shakesonaboat · 28/02/2018 14:49

Beetle- and then it is up to the one who does want to make a decision if they don’t see any change.

This is the bit a lot of people struggle with because rarely does anything change.

Belfastbird · 28/02/2018 15:09

In a similar situation. About twice a year if I'm lucky but only when he's drunk & it's rubbish. He said he is no longer attracted to me because I have put on weight (am s14) it's killing me. No affection either...

demirose87 · 28/02/2018 15:49

No I wouldn't. If problems appeared and my partner wasn't able to have sex through no fault of his own, then I would stay because I love him. However if it was because one or both of us was not interested in sex with the other or was refusing, where the relationship had gone stale, then I would not stay. Sex is an important part of mine and my DP's relationship.

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