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Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

96 replies

TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:23

My DH's sex drive has completely dwindled to the point where, on the rare occasion we've had sex in the last 12-13 ish years, it has been an act of duty for him, rather than any genuine desire to have sex with me. The last time was 3 years ago after I said we were essentially just housemates and good friends rather than a marriage, which he was upset to hear so he said he'd make more effort. We subsequently had literally 30 seconds of sex, no foreplay, and he rolled off me as soon as he had finished, no hugging or kissing, and that was the last time it happened.

I've not mentioned it again or tried to instigate sex again because I obviously don't want to force someone to have sex with me who doesn't want to. He's clearly happy to never do it again Sad And the last time was so bad and he obviously only did it because of what I had said that I felt terrible for making him feel like he had to. So I've left him alone since then and decided not to try again.

But what now for me? He's got what he wants - a really nice happy marriage, but he doesn't have to have sex and I never try to discuss it anymore so he doesn't have to have any awkward conversations again.

I'm only 43 and I miss so so much someone else touching me, I miss kissing, I miss feeling sexy.

Could you stay in a sexless marriage if everything else was good? I love him very much and the thought of leaving him just because of sex seems so extreme.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/02/2018 18:30

The thing is that if you and he divorced, he would get together with someone else and he'd have sex with her.

He's making a decision, even if that decision is to put his head in the sand. He knows it makes you unhappy. He knows that friends would be shocked by it. He knows it's not "normal." But he's ignoring all that - who the hell knows why?

I think it's soul destroying and in your situation I'd separate and keep him as a friend. That might be difficult when you see him with a woman he's clearly having sex with, though.

HelenaDove · 19/02/2018 18:38

Every bloody time there is one of these threads someone tries to blame it on a womans appearance

Every Single Time.

Many women have lost weight and its made no difference.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 18:41

Redtartanshoes, yes exactly - that's why I've not brought it up again for the last 3 years. Because every time I did, it was followed by pity/duty sex and that just makes me feel like shit. So I lost weight, toned up, generally made more of an effort with my appearance, but he still wasn't interested. It's not like I looked awful or had let myself go in that time - just a small weight gain.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 19/02/2018 18:45

yes we must all meet the fuckability criteria even where there is no fucking.

Pinkprincess1978 · 19/02/2018 18:52

If I didn't have kids I don't know that I would have stayed. My DH has a much lower sex drive and it's gotten worse over the years. He has tried, been to Drs about it and finally sought help for his depression. Unfortunately anti depressants caused erectile distinction which doesn't help.

In other ways we are intimate, cuddles, stroking. He is incredibly romantic and buys thoughtful gifts. But I do feel like that part of my life is over, I feel rejected (so don't make any moves for sex anymore), so ugly and unattractive. Our children are still in primary school and financially we are set and if we were to part it would be a financial disaster. So I stay.

If kids and money were not and issue I would find it harder to stay.

welshmist · 19/02/2018 18:58

And I know when in other males company mine does that conversation thing about phwoar women etc. to make out he is a bit of a lad. He did it yesterday at a lunch we attended. I feel my blood boil when he does that and have the urge to reply that he wouldn`t be able to do anything with the female because he lacks the tool needed to do the job (rolls eyes)

I often think we are complicit in covering up their inadequacies because we would not want to embarrass/humiliate them.

Years ago my OH said if a woman refused sex it should be grounds for a divorce with the man hanging onto his assets. Now the shoe is on the other foot hhmmm...

Kikashi · 19/02/2018 18:58

As *My BrilliantDisguise" says "he knows it makes you unhappy" but that is not for him to either seek help to address the issue or set you free.

I think when you don't "know" the reason for the lack of sex you search around for ways to rationalise and work on it. So the OP thought - it's my weight/style and set out to work on that as it was something she could do. However, we all know that it is never really about the weight (and the unhappiness can make us acquire that)

Kikashi · 19/02/2018 18:58

That is not enough for him

LuluJakey1 · 19/02/2018 19:04

I might if he wanted to do it and couldn't and we were intimate in other ways- kisses cuddles, other kinds of sexual contact and I knew he still fancied me. If he showed no physical interest in me at all and I felt there was no desire to be close and intimate with me I think I would have to leave the relationship.
It must feel not just that he is not interested but that he actually finds you undesirable. That he does not seem to see how hurtful that is, is also just selfish. It is as if only he matters to him.
He won't change because he does not care about it.

Munchyseeds · 19/02/2018 19:33

With all as you have described, no I wouldn't stay....you only live once and you deserve a good loving sex life, nothing is going to change for you unless you do leave.
Staying with someone you love who can't have a sexual relationship for medical reasons is a different issue.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 19:35

LuluJakey1 - yes that's exactly how I feel - undesirable. An unattractive middle aged invisible blimp.

He says "you look nice" when I'm dressed up for a night out, but it's kind-of automated/robotic if that makes sense; i.e. 'wife has done hair & makeup: must compliment her '. I don't get any sense that he genuinely thinks I look attractive.

OP posts:
Whattodo2022 · 19/02/2018 20:01

As someone else said. No kids = No brainer

Wrongwayup · 19/02/2018 20:58

What is he without the sex? A friend? Fine if that's what you sighed up for. I suspect not

balsamicbarbara · 20/02/2018 20:44

It's always weird reading a thread like this and then countless ones in other groups on here about men getting shirty over a lack of sex and people saying to DTB because while sex is nice, it's not vital for a relationship Confused

Momo18 · 20/02/2018 21:29

Get out now. You deserve better and if he cared he would have done something about this a long time ago. I wouldn't feel any guilt either

Reddlion · 21/02/2018 01:16

have an affair he is selfish

LellyMcKelly · 21/02/2018 06:06

I was in one for 6 years. Almost destroyed my self esteem. Turns out he was gay.

Catbed · 21/02/2018 08:11

I do, although it is of my own making. I stay for financial reasons and because people think we have a great marriage and are a good couple Hmm and basically I don't want to admit my marriage is dead in the water.

We haven't had sex for 2 years. The last time was rubbish really. He couldn't maintain an erection. Prior to that, once DC arrived the sex dropped dramatically (at my request as I was knackered and he didn't help out much). He wasn't happy and remonstrated but I wouldn't change my mind and have sex more frequently.
Then I discovered his porn use. I loathe porn and all it stands for and he knows this so I told him I wasn't having sex with him again and it was upto him what he did - stay or leave the marriage.

Since the DC went to uni I have begun to feel we should maybe split. We do very little together, although we get along most of the time.

He buys thoughtful presents and seems to care (possibly more than I do if I'm honest). We have a nice life, but no sex. No kissing.

We hold hands when walking and he'll rub my leg if I'm lying across him on the sofa, so there's a degree of intimacy there - we've been together a long time.

The thought of having sex with someone else though is strange.

Our IT guy leaned across me to do something with my work pc the other day and I could feel his breath like you do when you are about to be kissed. OMG! That felt most odd. It suddenly struck me that I hadn't been THAT close to a man for a while!

ChocolateCoveredPringle · 21/02/2018 11:05

If a man had written this post, he would be told he was being unreasonable. That marriage vows are for better for worse, and that the woman is probably tired and "all touched out" from raising children, and he should just put up with no sex. Yet as soon as a woman voices the same concerns, the rabble jump on the "it's unacceptable that your needs aren't being met, get him to the doctors or leave him" bandwagon. Could you imagine the outcry if it was suggested a woman was "taken to the doctors" by a man about lack of libido?

Honestly, the double standards on this site make me ashamed to be female sometimes.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/02/2018 11:06

If a man had written this post, he would be told he was being unreasonable
Rubbish - we've had these before and the advice is similar from many people!
Including me!

ChocolateCoveredPringle · 21/02/2018 11:08

Suggest you look out all the posts where men are called "sex pests" for daring to want to have sex with their wives, Hells.

Double standards. If a man had written this, the responses would have been quite different.

Huntinginthedark · 21/02/2018 11:28

It's more than sex though isn't it. If you had no sex, but there was a deep intimate connection with affection then perhaps you could live with it.
It's why there is no sex. That is the route of it all.
that's what you have to work out, and if one of you is not prepared to do that as a joint effort and just brush it under the carpet then it's bound to fail one way or another.

I was in a similar position and it was symptomatic of much bigger problems. We just couldn't communicate about them and eventually separated, (I still care about him deeply) lots of people can spend their lives burying their head in the sand. You have to work out if that course of action is for you.

Grunkle · 21/02/2018 18:53

Suggest you look out all the posts where men are called "sex pests" for daring to want to have sex with their wives, Hells.

No... men who harass and whine at their wives for sex are pests. Men who behave like they are entitled to sex are pests.

Men who are sad that they don't have sex anymore and who have tried to address the situation and their wives won't participate / are happy with the new status quo? Similar to what's described in the OP? Those men get plenty of support here. I myself have commented on many of those threads encouraging the man to make changes.

You'll find on threads where men are getting a hard time, that many female readers are picking up on signs of all that, rather than focusing on the cold fact that if a marriage becomes sexless without the approval of both partners (male or female), it's probably time to move on.

I would never in a million years judge a man for ending a sexless marriage. Would I judge him for haranguing, begging, tantrumming, sulking at his wife, in an effort to manipulate sexual contact out of her? Yes.

Sadly the majority of married men, I'd say, do feel they are entitled to sex, and also tend to have poor conflict resolution skills (compared to women, who are typically expected to spend their lives resolving conflicts/ being peacemakers on behalf of others). So when they describe how they've tried to extract sex from unwilling wives they tend to sound like douchecanoes tbh. Hence, MN eats them alive. Them's the breaks.

Polly1977 · 27/02/2018 13:13

I am currently experiencing this from the other side. My husband and I have split after 10 yrs marriage and 2 kids as we haven’t had sex for theee years. I just haven’t wanted it and he says he can’t be celibate forever so has gone... obviously there is more to it than that but in a nutshell it was me who didn’t want the sex. He’s a total workaholic and since having kids I feel that the division of house work/childcare has bn totally uneven, as in I do nearly everything and I work. This lead to me feeling that I was never his priority and work has always come first. He doesn’t do valentines or make up for it in other ways. There was no romance whatsoever and very little help with kids/house, which lead to me resenting him and hence not wanting to jump in bed with him!! The thought of kissing him properly makes me feel a bit gross. It’s sad tho as we are great friends and get on well. I’m sad we’ve split, for the kids more than anything, but I feel optimistic about a partner in the future who I do want to be intimate with. I think you get used to a sexless marriage but there’s always that nag in the back of your head that it’s nit quite right. Big love to everyone going through similar. I hope you find a solution x

arsenaltilidie · 27/02/2018 15:23

If it was for a medical reason then obviously yes, in sickness and in health.
But if they can’t be bothered to fix it then no. That’s not a life.
At 43 you have plenty of mileage left in you :)

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