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Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

96 replies

TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:23

My DH's sex drive has completely dwindled to the point where, on the rare occasion we've had sex in the last 12-13 ish years, it has been an act of duty for him, rather than any genuine desire to have sex with me. The last time was 3 years ago after I said we were essentially just housemates and good friends rather than a marriage, which he was upset to hear so he said he'd make more effort. We subsequently had literally 30 seconds of sex, no foreplay, and he rolled off me as soon as he had finished, no hugging or kissing, and that was the last time it happened.

I've not mentioned it again or tried to instigate sex again because I obviously don't want to force someone to have sex with me who doesn't want to. He's clearly happy to never do it again Sad And the last time was so bad and he obviously only did it because of what I had said that I felt terrible for making him feel like he had to. So I've left him alone since then and decided not to try again.

But what now for me? He's got what he wants - a really nice happy marriage, but he doesn't have to have sex and I never try to discuss it anymore so he doesn't have to have any awkward conversations again.

I'm only 43 and I miss so so much someone else touching me, I miss kissing, I miss feeling sexy.

Could you stay in a sexless marriage if everything else was good? I love him very much and the thought of leaving him just because of sex seems so extreme.

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 19/02/2018 16:54

You say you love your DH very much and the thought of leaving him just because of sex seens so extreme
Sex is important in a relatiionship it is the only thing you uniquely share with your DH that you don’t share with anyone else.
Not only does sex set you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates, it also requires a deeper level of communication that you don’t normally do with just anyone. Sex requires you to talk to each other about intimate, emotional things. You can no longer talk to you DH about this deeply private issue
You crave this level of intimacy so it is important. Your husband is cruel and selfish to deny you and you are unhappy, your only 43 you have years of sexual activity ahead of you. there are so many wasted years in your sexless marriage.
The choice is yours leave this dried up sexless husband and start a new life or If you cant leave him then have an affair.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 16:59

No we don't have children, and we'd both be ok financially. So there is nothing tying either of us together.

I don't think an open marriage would be on the cards - I'm pretty sure my DH would be against the idea anyway, but also I associate sex with intimacy and it just wouldn't feel "right".

RaingodsWithZippos I'm so very sorry about your DH. Flowers

OP posts:
Dissimilitude · 19/02/2018 17:02

Frankly, if you don’t have kids, you should either tackle this head on and try and address it in a reasonable time frame, or if that’s been tried and failed, move on.

ShatnersWig · 19/02/2018 17:04

No I wouldn't. Or should I say I didn't. I was 36 and we'd not had sex in five years.

gamerchick · 19/02/2018 17:08

I couldn’t live without intimacy no. Bonding is important in a relationship. It’s a deal breaker to me and I would end my marriage. My husband knows this.

You need to have another conversation because at some point there may be someone who you meet who you like and pays you attention. It’ll crush your soul and what you have now won’t be enough.

Words are cheap and him saying he’ll try harder just isn’t enough. He needs to know what’s at stake here.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/02/2018 17:09

Have you asked him why?

Is he watching porn?

Has your appearance changed drastically?

hellsbellsmelons · 19/02/2018 17:12

No children!
No brainer.
You get nothing from this for yourself.
For your self-worth.
For your self-esteem.
It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
I'm recently in a new relationship at 49!!!
Yep and we have loads of sex every time we see each other and I love it!!!!
Don't settle for this half life.
You'll get more and more resentful.

Cracker09jacker · 19/02/2018 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TracyL74 · 19/02/2018 17:23

No. I'm also 43 and haven't had sex with DH for the last 4 years. It's lead to a communication breakdown and resentment from my side. I feel like nothing. I became depressed and then decided I couldn't live life like that anymore. I have 2 kids. It was a hard decision as he's nice and a good dad but it all but disappeared. So we've separated. Life is short. I can't wait to meet someone to have that intimacy and closeness again and everything that goes with. I also want my kids to see how a normal relationship should be - the support and care that's given to their mum. You can still remain friends. We talk better now. It's just life unfortunately. But don't waste any more if yours x

welshmist · 19/02/2018 17:34

I am curious, do these men who don`t make love anymore whose partnerships break up, go on to have successful relationships with another woman?

Kikashi · 19/02/2018 17:42

You may find this thread from last week useful:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3165663-Staying-in-a-sexless-marriage

The consensus seems to be that there is no point in hanging around for a eureka moment or for them to seek help. It won't happen - they will just stick their head in the sand and hope that their comfy home life carries on . Their wishes comes first.

Grunkle · 19/02/2018 17:53

If the relationship was sexless just because - no particular reason except my partner wasn't interested - I'd not be able to stay. It would break my heart completely.

I'm mid 30s and my drive is higher now than it was in my 20s tbh. Not sure how you're coping OP. I'd end it. No way could I bear it. Maybe if there was plenty of affection without sex...? Even then...

If dp was very ill that's different. I'd want to care for him and be close to him, until he was better or until he died. (Sob) we've discussed this scenario and my dp says what he always does - he loves me and wants me to be happy and if I needed to have sex with someone else, he would support me in that.

Creating a situation where you basically require the other person never to have sex again in order for you to be content/comfortable... That's pretty cruel tbh.

Minestheoneinthegreen · 19/02/2018 17:57

I absolutely could not. And to the bleeding heart up thread who reckons people leave marriages too easily: it's not the 1950s. Women don't have to settle for companionship.

ItsNachoCheese · 19/02/2018 17:59

I wouldnt stay in a sexless marriage. My friend is in one and barring having her dd she hasnt had sex in over a year her dh just isnt interested

PollyPerky · 19/02/2018 18:03

And to the bleeding heart up thread who reckons people leave marriages too easily: it's not the 1950s. Women don't have to settle for companionship.

It may not be the 1950s, but very few women could buy their own home and support themselves in some areas of the UK where house prices are huge. I know of several friends who are stuck in stale sexless marriages because they can't afford to divorce. They won't get enough equity out of a divorce to put towards a new house and they don't earn enough to cover a mortgage. These are real issues for women who are not professionals and earning a good salary.

Going back to the first post, I think I'd leave unless the DH had a real medical issue for which he sought help. Saying a sex drive disappears in your mid 30s is a bit silly. Evidently half of 80 years olds in a marriage are still having sex.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2018 18:09

Much as everyone has said really. Yes, if either they were ill or if they were still intimate/loving with me and seeking help. But no, or should I say ‘not again’, otherwise, such as in your situation. I was in a relationship that turned sexless years ago, it wasn’t exactly why we broke up, but it was part of it.

Your husband is being incredibly selfish, he’s choosing not to seek help and he doesn’t care how this impacts you. It’s not ‘sex’ you’d be leaving him over, it’s the jack of care, love & consideration.

Leave him. Feel whole again.

Elementtree · 19/02/2018 18:12

No. In that situation, I would leave. This is a miserable situation, best not let it drag on for a lifetime.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 18:13

I'm fairly sure he's not watching porn. He just generally doesn't seem interested. I did put on a little weight in my 30s, but not loads - I went from size 10 to size 14; and obviously I've got older. But I made a big effort lately - lost weight, exercised, had hair done nicely and so on. He's still not interested.

OP posts:
Redtartanshoes · 19/02/2018 18:17

If it was mutually acceptable then yes. If not then no. Open marriage or I’d be off.

It’s one thing to have a lack of actual penatrive sex, but a lack of any intimacy/affection would be an absolute deal breaker. Esp at 43.

((Went through similar at 29 and left. Best thing I ever did)))

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 18:18

And the biggest problem now is that I feel pretty good about myself because I've lost weight and am exercising. And also my sex drive has increased in my forties so it's especially a problem for me now Sad

OP posts:
Kikashi · 19/02/2018 18:19

PollyPerky I agree. I also know people in the situation you describe. People do have a choice but sometimes it's a shitty choice and not one they envisaged having to make when they perhaps took p/t work or became a SAHM and left their career. People I know would not be able to afford the income multiples needed to rent in the area or to buy, huge social housing waiting lists - what are they and their DC to do? One friend has the choice of living in a rented bedsit and leaving her DC behind or staying (until she can hopefully retrain and get well paid work).

I think the OP has no children, so could leave on her own. Perhaps some counselling focusing on why she thinks her needs are not as important as her husband's and her fear of abandonment/leaving could be explored.

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 18:20

Thanks for the link to the other thread.

OP posts:
Redtartanshoes · 19/02/2018 18:21

Tbh, even if he turned round tomorrow and had sex with you once a week, for example, it would be awful. In the back of your mind you’d always be wondering whether he was just doing it do keep you happy or avoid a tow or whatever.

((Bitter experience))

Original poster
TorvillandDean · 19/02/2018 18:22

Yes that's a good point about my needs not being as important as my husband's. I hadn't thought of it like that.

OP posts:
Elementtree · 19/02/2018 18:24

Well that's proper shit, isn't it Tortilla, that you feel like it is a problem that you feel good about yourself and that the best way for you to be satisfied in this marriage is for you to feel ugly and disinterested.