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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please advise! Is this normal? Can we survive?

94 replies

jellybeanJ · 18/02/2018 22:02

My husband and I have been married for 6 years but together since we were teenagers. We have 2 young children (4 and 2). I am really worried as I basically feel like I have fallen out of love with him. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with him, I don’t even want to touch him. I don’t enjoy weekends and am much happier when he is not around. He’s not done anything really, but I have noticed that I used to change myself in small ways to try and please him. I used to protect and defend him in front of others. Now I am have no desire to do these things.

Much of this probably stems from a long disagreement over whether to have another child. There will not be another (his choice) but I have felt so much resentment (which I could not help). I know am in a position where I do not want another child with him - because through this year-long argument I feel like I’ve drifted to far apart from him.

Relationships have ups and downs though right? And this is a big down? Should I hat stick it out and hope it improves?

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 18/02/2018 22:18

No, definitely not. You should consider if you want to try counselling but if not then you should get advice on splitting up.

How do you think he feels? Do you have any support in RL?

SnowGoArea · 18/02/2018 22:23

Actually I think most lasting marriages go through periods of drifting apart. It can't go on indefinitely though, there has to be a point at which you discuss things and get it all out in the open in order to reconnect again. Obviously that requires two people on board.

Can you put some time aside to have a really long frank chat and talk about ways to see if you can get your marriage back on track?

With no abuse or cheating it would be sad to not try Imo. Small kids are a big strain.

Arapaima · 18/02/2018 22:27

This is a tricky one. It sounds like he hasn’t done anything wrong except not want another baby, which is fair enough. So, if you were in love with him before all this, it’s possible that you will come to terms with having two children, get over the resentment and be able to re-kindle your relationship. Or it’s possible that you’ve drifted too far apart to come back together.

Does he know how you feel? Would you consider counselling?

Offred · 18/02/2018 22:33

I don’t think it is fair to resent him because he doesn’t want another child.

He can’t help that.

I do think you can help the resentment actually.

Rather than seeking support to come to terms with not having another or decide that another baby was an absolute dealbreaker and leave him you have chosen to bury yourself deep in resentment and punish him.

However, now this has gone so far I’m not sure you will be able to recover.

It’s not fair to your two DC to put them through a marriage like this so you need to shape up sharpish and decide whether you are going to work on letting this go or leave him.

Offred · 18/02/2018 22:44

Yeah, denying someone the right to self determination is no biggie as long as they never find out they’ve been manipulated...

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 18/02/2018 22:44

Thank you. I have been to counselling, he refused to come. I obviously know he can’t help not wanting another child and I went because I wanted to be able to deal with my resentment. So I care enough to do that.

I’ve accepted we won’t have another child, but I just do not feel the same about him after this.

That said, I think I wanted to read here that marriages change and that this will be a phase. We both want to be in our children’s lives daily, and we don’t argue in front of them (or not often), so I want to survive it.

But right now, I don’t feel I can give any more. My total lack of interest in him sexually is something I worry about as I don’t see what I can do about that.

OP posts:
Offred · 18/02/2018 22:44

Oops!

Offred · 18/02/2018 22:48

What benefit would there have been to him coming to counselling?

I don’t mean that facetiously, I’m genuinely asking how you feel it might have helped?

Dobbythesockelf · 18/02/2018 22:54

But he can't help not wanting more kids. If you loved him before but now don't because of this then in a way you are punishing him.
What difference did you think him going to counselling with you would make? If you resent him then I don't really know how he can change that.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 18/02/2018 22:55

I suppose the resentment largely stemmed from his lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of caring rather than the fact he didn’t want another child. I wanted him to hear how I felt and to try and understand.

But the fact is, I no longer want this child with him anyway. And I’m not sure how to even be with him anymore.

I basically feel that I was always trying before - as I said, changing myself in small ways to make him happy. Agreeing, when inside I thought otherwise - as most people probably do in friendships and marriages. Now I just don’t want to do that. And without my effort I feel it will fall apart

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybeanJ · 18/02/2018 22:59

So are you saying that most marriages do not have to survive big disagreements like this? It might not be having another child, but moving house, or a partners career, something else. And that one partner resents, or at least does not like, what is happening?

A marriage that truely lasts must, surely, have to go through periods like this?

Or am I delusional and everyone else agrees with their partners about all the big stuff?

OP posts:
Offred · 18/02/2018 23:00

If you were having disagreements re something that is not able to be compromised on though then that very likely means he will have shut down and not wanted to discuss it at all because he may have interpreted ‘listening and understanding how I feel’ as ‘pressure to give on and go along with it’.

When you say ‘disagreements’ what do you mean?

Offred · 18/02/2018 23:01

It’s not a disagreement, it’s the resentment.

Resentment that is deep, destructive, punishing and apparently over something really unfair that he can’t do anything about.

Offred · 18/02/2018 23:03

And yes in long relationships people have disagreements over big stuff but they compromise either in the chosen solution to the problem or in their reactions to an unavoidable situation of not being able to be the one who gets what they want.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 18/02/2018 23:05

So how do I fix it then? He certainly wants it to be fixed and does not want to split up. How do I change it?

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 18/02/2018 23:06

Well of course all marriages have disagreements but they are not the issue. The issue is you resent him, rightly or wrongly.
You say you wanted him to understand where you were coming from but that wouldn't change his answer would it? Unless you hoped that the more you talked the more open to the idea he would be.
What do you want him to Do?
Other than not want more kids what has he done wrong?
If you truly just don't love him at all then leave but if it's because he doesn't want more kids and hasn't understood why you do enough then I think you need to work on that rather than leaving him.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 18/02/2018 23:07

I’m not being abusive or mean, I just avoid soending time alone with him and do not show affection

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 18/02/2018 23:07

And if he didn't want to spend time with you or show you affection how would that make you feel?

Offred · 18/02/2018 23:08

That is both abusive and mean. If you feel that way you should leave him. It is a very poor example to show your DC too.

Offred · 18/02/2018 23:09

What did you need him to hear that you feel he hadn’t heard?

Why did you feel you needed him to hear it?

Offred · 18/02/2018 23:11

You need to unpick why you are behaving this way and what you are feeling in order to change your behaviour IMO.

That’s why I’m asking those questions.

GummyGoddess · 18/02/2018 23:13

He has the right not to have another child, you have the right to leave him if you want another one that badly. It isn't blackmail, it's a dealbreaker.

If that decision of his has killed your love for him then you do need to separate if you do not want to try counselling. The model relationship you are presenting to your current children will damage them, I'm sure you don't want that.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/02/2018 23:14

I’m not being abusive or mean, I just avoid soending time alone with him and do not show affection

That is abusive and mean; you’re withdrawing affection and punishing him because he didn’t want another child.

You have behaved awfully here. He has done nothing wrong; he has only said he doesn’t want another child.

You have taken this and decided to punish him because you didn’t get your own way.

mumgointhroughtorture · 18/02/2018 23:17

You are obviously wanting different things . He doesn't want a baby , you do . If you stay with him will your desire to have a baby go away ? Do you want it to ? Maybe because to have a baby you need to have sex , now he doesn't want a baby you don't want sex with him , almost punishing him but in a way it's your right if you don't want to have sex with him .

I guess you need to sort out in your head whether you can get over not having another child and if not , is having a baby more important than your relationship and the family unit you've got now ?

Wdigin2this · 18/02/2018 23:17

Ummm, how old are you?