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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please advise! Is this normal? Can we survive?

94 replies

jellybeanJ · 18/02/2018 22:02

My husband and I have been married for 6 years but together since we were teenagers. We have 2 young children (4 and 2). I am really worried as I basically feel like I have fallen out of love with him. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with him, I don’t even want to touch him. I don’t enjoy weekends and am much happier when he is not around. He’s not done anything really, but I have noticed that I used to change myself in small ways to try and please him. I used to protect and defend him in front of others. Now I am have no desire to do these things.

Much of this probably stems from a long disagreement over whether to have another child. There will not be another (his choice) but I have felt so much resentment (which I could not help). I know am in a position where I do not want another child with him - because through this year-long argument I feel like I’ve drifted to far apart from him.

Relationships have ups and downs though right? And this is a big down? Should I hat stick it out and hope it improves?

OP posts:
Onlymeeeeee · 19/02/2018 07:48

I came on here to say everything that @antigrinch already said better!

Offred · 19/02/2018 08:34

What would happen do you think if you stopped worrying so much about what to do and talked to him tactfully about how you are really struggling with intimacy at the moment?

jellybeanJ · 19/02/2018 08:48

Thank you all. You’ve made me think, and I do feel that I want this to work.
I should say that in the last month we’ve had wedding anniversary, birthday and valentines. I’m remembered them all and bought him gifts. He forgot anniversary and valentines.

I actually bought us a trip away for his birthday but he didn’t want to go and we cancelled. I see now that it was too much too soon, but that hurt a lot and that has also added to my negative feelings. Although he wants us stay together, I don’t see much effort from him. Perhaps I should not expect that seeing as this situation appears to be my fault.

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2018 09:18

I think it is clear that you are wanting him to reach out and make an effort.

I don’t think you should accept a lack of care or interest any more than he should but if you don’t want to be around him, recoil at intimacy and resent him then him showing you love and care on celebrations of love and marriage will be hard.

But it does sound like you are very disconnected from each other.

Would he go to counselling that was about reconnecting rather than the baby issue?

jellybeanJ · 19/02/2018 11:35

No he won’t go to counselling at all. He doesn’t think he has a problem so won’t even consider it.

It’s down time to fix this. I am really going to try. I have accepted we won’t have another child, I am just struggling with getting reconnected to him. But I don’t think walking away is the answer.

OP posts:
jellybeanJ · 19/02/2018 11:35

Down to me

OP posts:
Offred · 19/02/2018 11:56

Well, IMO it is not possible for you to fix it on your own.

You can suck it up and carry on on your own, you can grow further apart but you can’t fix it on your own whether he goes to counselling or not.

In the beginning of the thread it did look like it was just a you problem rather than a couple problem but with the other thread and more info IMO it is definitely a couple problem.

So really your choices are;

  1. Accept this is how your marriage is, with him refusing to acknowledge he is involved in any of this and you growing further and further apart which would be bad for your DC as well as each of you.
  1. Tell him that unless he accepts he needs to work on it with you and comes to counselling then the marriage will die but then he’s going to feel threatened into it, you know that actually he wasn’t committed to making it work until he was threatened and it makes it hard to work on it in that context.
  1. Force yourself to pretend everything is fine which will eat you up from the inside out.
  1. Split up.
  1. Wait around for an unspecified amount of time hoping that he might suddenly want to work with you to fix it and that things will get better whilst either doing 1 or 3 which will be death by a thousand cuts, as you are experiencing now.
Offred · 19/02/2018 12:02

Have you asked him why he thinks relationship counselling would be about him having a problem and not you both resolving the problems in your relationship together?

Is it a hangover from when you were desperately telling him how much you wanted a baby with the view of getting him to change his mind?

Does he realise that you have made progress re that and that what you both need to take about in counselling is how you reconnect after the difficulty of that time?

Offred · 19/02/2018 12:03

As others have pointed out re the things you have noticed that you have stopped doing, he may be one of those men that just expects their wife to do the relationship for them and that’s not good.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 19/02/2018 13:24

He doesn’t think he has a problem so won’t even consider it.

But from what you’ve said here, he doesn’t have a problem? He just didn’t want a third kid.

He forgot a couple of occasions and you’d like him to make a bit more effort, but I’m not sure why he would want to make any effort for someone who isn’t showing him any affection?

You can buy him material goods and big trips and think it absolves you of anything else or even making an effort yourself, but it doesn’t. It’s a bit Disney Dad.

Presents and trips will mean absolutely nothing to a man whose probably cottoned on to the fact his wife doesn’t love him anymore. Hence his cancellation of your “grand gesture”.

jellybeanJ · 19/02/2018 14:24

Thank you. I do feel a lot of resentment from you towards me WhatToDoAboutThis 😂 but thank you anyway.

OP posts:
jellybeanJ · 19/02/2018 14:27

Thanks very much everyone for your advice, it has helped a lot. I think I will leave this here, as I it is very hard to put across the whole picture here of course, and I don’t feel I’m quite so deserving of the negativity I’m getting from some.

The thing is, I am trying, which is why I am here and posting. None of us are perfect, and I am sure all of us have regrets about how we may felt or reacted at some times in our past. My husband is a long way from perfect, and had treated me fairly dreadfully at times in our past.

But I asked advice on this issue and that’s what I got. And it has helped, so thank you.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 19/02/2018 14:48

jellybeanJ My posts aren’t coming from any emotion. I’m simply pointing out why your husband (rightfully) isn’t responding to your Disney Dad tactics.

jellybeanJ · 19/02/2018 14:56

Yes but you are all if them tactics, they are not tactics.

And obviously starting to show affection would help. But the reason I posted was because I do not feel able to do this.

Anyway, thank you but I’ll leave this now as you have a tiny amount of the picture of my marriage and are making it seem like a very black and white issue , which it definitely is not.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 19/02/2018 15:00

If you can’t even give a tender glance or soft hand touch, it’s over.

You shouldn’t be leaving this thread, you should be leaving your marriage and allowing your husband to find someone who will love him.

jellybeanJ · 19/02/2018 15:06

So based on a post, and a few months of struggling, I should leave my marriage? Yeah I won’t be doing that. How arrogant of you to feel you can say that to anyone.

He can leave if he wants, but I think he believes things will get better, as do I.

If people took your advice, no one would be married.

I can see from other posts that this is your approach to ‘advice’. Take a look Offreds posts - not taken it easy on me, but their attitude is one of trying to help, even if what they say is not easy to hear.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 19/02/2018 15:15

I think it’s pretty obvious that we only get one side of the story when someone posts, OP. So yes, all advice you’ve been given is based on what you’ve written here, because you know, we’re not psychics.

I stand by my advice. If you can’t even give him basic affection, you shouldn’t be married to him. Even through tough times with my DH, I’ve never withheld (deliberately or otherwise) the basics.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/02/2018 15:17

I know you maybe not answering anymore but if you are still reading this.

Although he wants us stay together, I don’t see much effort from him. Perhaps I should not expect that seeing as this situation appears to be my fault

I don't see it as your fault.

It comes across as you wanted something he said no and expects everything to carry on as normal. No discussion or being open to possibilities just a flat no.

What happens if he wants something and you don't so without any discussion you say no.

The question is would he go ahead and do/get what he wants or just shrug and forget it.

You are trying to get over this but it does come across as he is saying no to anything he doesn't want and there doesn't seem any give and take on his part.

motherofyorkies · 19/02/2018 15:48

What strikes me is that you are trying to make the marriage work, and that he isn't. Major disagreements that there just aren't compromises for (having another child, moving for a promotion, etc.) can be VERY tough on marriages, but his stance that he doesn't have a problem therefore he won't go to therapy seems like a tremendous amount of denial that the marriage is in crisis.

At a point when you are questioning if the marriage can/should survive and avoid spending time with him on weekends, he seems very entrenched in the idea that every thing is just fine.

You said, "resentment largely stemmed from his lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of caring rather than the fact he didn’t want another child. I wanted him to hear how I felt and to try and understand" I can easily see how a man who lives in denial that is marriage is falling apart could fail to let his wife know that he really hears her and really understands how she feels.

To me, it sounds like you checked out of the marriage because you realized that he really doesn't care about how you feel about anything. All along, all the little compromises were yours.

I agree with @Offred about your options. Would it be possible to set up an appointment with a counselor at a time that he could attend, and let him know that you are going and that he is invited. Either the appointment is to work on the problems in the marriage, or if he doesn't come, to help you make peace with the fact that your marriage doesn't work for you fundamental ways and help you determine if you will stay or go. No game playing, just lay it on the table. A bit of a "hail Mary" pass.

Relationships do have ups and downs. But it takes both people to get through the downs. The woman cannot do it on all by herself, especially when the down is because she doesn't feel heard and understood.

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