Please advise! Is this normal? Can we survive?

[jellybeanJ]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years but together since we were teenagers. We have 2 young children (4 and 2). I am really worried as I basically feel like I have fallen out of love with him. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with him, I don’t even want to touch him. I don’t enjoy weekends and am much happier when he is not around. He’s not done anything really, but I have noticed that I used to change myself in small ways to try and please him. I used to protect and defend him in front of others. Now I am have no desire to do these things.

Much of this probably stems from a long disagreement over whether to have another child. There will not be another (his choice) but I have felt so much resentment (which I could not help). I know am in a position where I do not want another child with him - because through this year-long argument I feel like I’ve drifted to far apart from him.

Relationships have ups and downs though right? And this is a big down? Should I hat stick it out and hope it improves?

But in all honesty OP, how do you expect your marriage to work if you won’t show him any affection?

It doesn’t need to be sex, but he hasn’t done anything wrong, yet you won’t even hug him.

What could be worse than actively resenting him, avoiding being alone with him and feeling repulsed by intimacy?

How do you actually propose you ‘overcome’ that and why do you want to?

Someone posted earlier that if resentment isn’t resolved immediately then the marriage is over. I don’t think that is correct at all.
I was pretty resentful for several years with Dh because of certain issues in our marriage. Our marriage went through a very bad 3-4 years, where we were very distant from each other. That was about 10 years ago and boy am I glad we both stuck with it. We’re very close now, dc have left Home and we really couldn’t be happier with each other.

So you can work through big issues!

I want to because I don’t believe in just walking out without giving it your all. We’ve been together since we were teenagers, through deaths of parents and births of children. We’ve lived hundreds of miles apart and in the same house. And that history means something.

I cannot change how I feel at this time, I have no libido atm - I don’t want sex with him or anyone. But I am hoping the way I feel will change over time, and we can recover.

I mean, I’m not saying you cant, I’m trying to get you to think about it.

Because if you want to overcome it just because you’ve been together an age and only really ever been with him and you are married and have DC then that’s not likely to be enough. You’d need to resolve the current issues re resentment and intimacy with a backdrop of love and affection for who he is and an active wish to be with who he is not just a fear of change.

jelly low libido is very common after having dc.

I thibk you’re getting some pretty weird advise on this thread.
What has your counsellor said about your resentment?

I cannot change how I feel at this time, I have no libido atm - I don’t want sex with him or anyone.

Like I said, it’s not about sex. It’s about a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a soft hand touch or a tender smile.

It’s the small things that matter, and the good thing is that they’re the ones you can do with minimal effort. Do the little gestures repeatedly and your love will come back.

Excuse typos

She validated the feeling, she actually helped me identify it as resentment or anger. She got me talking about him and our history which reminded me why I loved him in the past.

She also said I’m probably putting up defense and stopping him getting close as a way of protecting myself. And that for many women sex is wrapped up in feeling good. And that as I feel down, it’s unsurprising that I do not feel like being intimate

Yes thank you all. I do feel desperate which is why I am posting on this issue, when I never have before. It is a turning point in our marriage.

But I’m not a cruel person, whatever you may think, and I’ve supported him through a lot in the past. And I certainly am not abusive. This is just something I’m struggling with but I am trying.

Are you deliberately ignoring my points about it not being about sex?

It’s the small things that matter (a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a soft hand touch or a tender smile), and the good thing is that they’re the ones you can do with minimal effort.

Do the little gestures repeatedly and your love will come back.

Offered, you’ve been particularly helpful, thank you. Have got me thinking.

Offred

Thank you whattodo - a hug should surely be manageable. Difficult when it has happened for so long though

Do you think some of the resentment is actually projected frustration at not knowing what to do to make it better?

Possibly. Because I really don’t. And I also have stated to notice everything I did before to keep him happy. Apparent now I don’t do them I think. And I don’t feel motivated to start again,sadly.

I don’t feel like I am deliberately WITHDRAWING affection. I feel if I shows affection, I would be lying/being untrue.

I think it's normal for things to go off the boil with little kids about.

It doesn’t even need to start with a hug; a tender smile or supportive hand touch, or even picking something thoughtful up on the way home is all that’s needed to start the ball rolling and build up the bigger gestures.

And I don’t feel motivated to start again,sadly.

If this is true, then it’s over. Because he’s done absolutely nothing wrong, but you’ve pulled away and are now magically expecting the relationship to fix itself.

It isn’t going to, you need to work on it, and that starts with the small gestures.

Well, I’m not married, but been with DP 5 years and recently we had a tearful discussion because I kept thinking ‘what if this isn’t love’ and I had no sex drive and was just bored and he was irritated me. We talked about it, we have made much more of an affront to do things together ( him) and to have sex ( me ) and honestly it has improved 100 fold.

There are troughs and peaks in every relationship I think, of it lasts too long or someone’s not willing to try then sadly it’s at its end, but otherwise some work may put things back in place.

There is more than the question of children here. I think you need to talk and at this stage it’s through a counsellor. You probably need to hear how much he loves your two children and why he doesn’t want more and your counsellor help you see they are valid reasons and help Jim understand your lack of affection is not so much intentional as you can’t feel any other way right now. Then, there is the question of did you do all the running in the relationship? Did you make all the little sacrifices for it to work? If so and you aren’t doing this now and nor is he then the marriage is in a bad place unless he can understand that Is how it used to work and he needs to do those now too ie pull his weight emotionally.

For what it's worth I think you you try to work it out. Think of the consequences to your family if you break up.
You obviously love him and have so much history together. It's perfectly normal to go through ups and downs in your marriage and it's perfectly normal to go through periods when you don't want sex.
The thing is to try to work through the resentment and see what is good. There is a lot of advice to leave( not on this thread particularly) but on MN generally and that is a massive thing to do.
You don't say how old you are and how long you've been married ( I know you've together a long time) but in my experience marriage is a commitment and needs work to sustain.
With regard to not wanting sex, that's not unusual to not want sex when your pissed off with someone. Work through your resentment and you'll probably want to get close again.

I think the low libido is a protective mechanism for you - no sex = no possibility of a baby = less disappointment because no sex in the first place.
I have had similar - we have experienced secondary infertility. My libido is low but I realised (through many discussions including with a counsellor) that it was protective : no sex = no chance of pregnancy or lack of = less disappointment when it didn't happen. Make sense?

I think the low libido is a protective mechanism for you I agree.

It's also a very intimate/emotionally vulnerable act (for some more than others), so can feel like the last thing you'd want to do when you are feeling distant or let down. Totally normal.

If you can re-establish the closeness in other ways, (there were some ideas about hugging etc upthread, I think talking is also part of this) then wanting sex may come. It's at least worth a try?

Lots of people have come out of the other side of those feelings and found their marriage again.

I think this has gone beyond resentment.

You obviously love him and have so much history together is missing the bit where the op says she doesn't love him.
How does your dh feel knowing that him not agreeing to another dc could mean the breakdown of his marriage. Or does he think that you will get over it and life will resume as normal