Please advise! Is this normal? Can we survive?

[jellybeanJ]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years but together since we were teenagers. We have 2 young children (4 and 2). I am really worried as I basically feel like I have fallen out of love with him. I have absolutely no desire to be intimate with him, I don’t even want to touch him. I don’t enjoy weekends and am much happier when he is not around. He’s not done anything really, but I have noticed that I used to change myself in small ways to try and please him. I used to protect and defend him in front of others. Now I am have no desire to do these things.

Much of this probably stems from a long disagreement over whether to have another child. There will not be another (his choice) but I have felt so much resentment (which I could not help). I know am in a position where I do not want another child with him - because through this year-long argument I feel like I’ve drifted to far apart from him.

Relationships have ups and downs though right? And this is a big down? Should I hat stick it out and hope it improves?

My mother with holds affection from my DF, I’ve told him to divorce her for years as it’s miserable to watch them that way,

You need to ask yourself if you are still in love with him, if not then you need to face it may be over

You need to have a big heart to heart at a time that isn't very emotionally charged (so not off the back of an argument!).

Couples DO get through things like this where they fundamentally disagree. It's not easy. It hinges on whether you both think there's something you're prepared to try really hard at a time when it feels easier to walk.

I don't think either of you sound abusive or mean from what you've said; this is a big deal thing that you're dealing with and it's hard to resolve without someone 'giving in'. You are on the harder side of it I would say, but he may not have fully appreciated how your position feels.

Well, from your last thread about this, yes, you were not wanting him to listen and understand how you feel, you were wanting to argue him into changing his mind.

However, you were using withdrawal?!?! OMFG, this is incredibly cruel and irresponsible of him given he is so sure he doesn’t want another.

IMO how you get through this is him getting a vasectomy and you understanding that it was very wrong of you to keep badgering him and that you weren’t wanting him to understand, you were pressuring him to change his mind and it really is deeply unfair of you to resent him for not wanting another baby just because you always saw yourself with 3.

However, you were using withdrawal?!?! OMFG, this is incredibly cruel and irresponsible of him given he is so sure he doesn’t want another.

Where on earth did you get that from?

They’re not even having sex because OP is deliberately withdrawing affection as a punishment.

The thing that jumps out at me is how you used to try and change yourself to what he wanted. That is not the sign of a good relationship.

The other thread

And it is normal for couples not getting on not to have sex,

I’m not surprised they are now not having sex TBH.

Sex with a man who uses the withdrawal method despite being so adamant he doesn’t want another baby must be a huge mind fuck.

And it is normal for couples not getting on not to have sex,

Sure, but we’re not just talking about sex. She said she’s withdrawing affection in general, and deliberately doing that as punishment for not getting what you want is cruel and abusive.

Offred If you’re going to reference a previous thread repeatedly then you should post it so we have the entire picture.

Cruel and abusive?? Get a grip

I think periods of difficulty are normal in many long lasting marriages. After our first child we were not in a great way. I had some very negative feelings. I’m now very much in a loved up place. So things can change. Have you tried being pretty honest about how you’re feeling and that you don’t want to feel that way?
Obviously no one can tell you how your marriage will fair, but I just wanted to give a happy ending (or middle!) example. I would say I’ve fallen out and back into love two or three times over 20 years.

crunchymint Withholding affection (hugs, kisses, soft hand touches or even just a tender smile) because you didn’t get what you wanted is cruel and it is abusive. He has done nothing wrong.

If OP wants to leave, she should leave, not drag him on in a deliberately loveless and neglectful charade of a marriage.

If you don’t think withdrawing affection is abuse you want to tell that to all the kids whose parents have used it as a weapon, too.

I think you’d better tell him that for him to refuse couples counselling from now on is him signalling to you that he realises his marriage is dying and is actively refusing to save it.

Say that you’ll forgive him for refusing it before, but that things have changed for you and if he refuses again he might find that the ship sails without him.

Role-play with him the conversation he will have to have with his children (young, and grown), his family, his workmates, everyone. When they (inevitably) ask ‘did you try counselling?’ What is he intending to answer? ‘No, I didn’t think I needed it’ or ‘No, my family wasn’t important enough to me?’. If he’s refusing because he thinks it’s embarrassing or an invasion of privacy, he’s got a real shock coming when you leave with the kids. Sometimes you have to walk them through the steps very clearly before the penny drops.

Certainly time for a trial separation. Don’t bluff though, line up some ducks and stick to it. Make it as brief as you like, but let him feel the sting.

What jumps out at me here is that although op states her DH doesn't want to end the relationship he has actually refused to do counselling with her. They clearly need to talk this through so why refuse counselling when the marriage is clearly in trouble? I don't think op is completely to blame for everything here, give her a break all.

Not feeding your kids is neglect, not feeding your partner is not.
If you don't feel love and affection, you do not have to pretend you feel it.

Well OK, it is here but you could have simply AS yourself you know?

Op is not exactly a prolific poster under this username and the title of the thread is quite indicative of the subject matter...

Sounds like you are going through a rough patch - but it is possible to fall in love with someone again, so pl don’t break up - have some counselling. Good luck.

Its not 'withholding' though. She doesn't feel the same way about him anymore. She's worked that much out through counselling.

So why hasn’t she left then? Instead of dragging this on and on, painting him to be the bad guy because she didn’t like the word “no”.

"but I have noticed that I used to change myself in small ways to try and please him. I used to protect and defend him in front of others."

"I basically feel that I was always trying before - as I said, changing myself in small ways to make him happy. Agreeing, when inside I thought otherwise - as most people probably do in friendships and marriages. Now I just don’t want to do that."

I think these things are as significant as the disagreement about the baby.

I think women are socialised to be extremely agreeable and to ignore the effort that this takes. When you meet someone and you are young and energetic, you put a huge amount of effort into being agreeable - both to your man, and about your man - always presenting him in the best light, covering for him socially, as well as making sure he feels agreed with and supported at all times at home.

When you add extra pressure into the mix - like small children, let alone the disagreement about wanting more - the whole thing starts to feel exhausting and relentless. You start being aware of how much you give in return for so little, because you hit a point where you start to feel what it costs and that you have no reciprocal arrangement on all these small and constant acts of giving and support.

I think you may resent that as much as the child. you say you have accepted that there will not be another child, but still feel resentful. I think there is a part of you that has just decided: It's my turn now. Let him do the work for a while.

The trouble is that he has no idea how to do it, or what you have been doing. He can't step in to nurture your bond by giving because he never even knew you were doing it, and if he did know or understand what to do, could well find it impossible or beneath him to make that much effort.

I think op you feel you have stuck up for and changed yourself to make your dh happy but when you want something that would make you happy he has poured cold-water over it so your response is to not do anything for him anymore.
Resentment is something that if it isn't sorted immediately then it will grow to the point where it clicks the switch inside yourself and the other person means nothing to you any more.

Can't put it any better.

I think once that switch has gone off then unfortunately I doubt there is anything else the other person can do to switch the love on again

I’m also very shocked that he’s refused to go to counselling, it signals to me that he really doesn’t care if the relationship ends.

I can understand your frustration op.

I have been to counselling, he refused to come. I obviously know he can’t help not wanting another child and I went because I wanted to be able to deal with my resentment.

Re: counselling I think he didn’t want to go because OP went specifically to deal with the third child problem, and he probably didn’t want to feel like he was going to be talked into it.

Had it been counselling for their relationship as a whole, and not this one issue, I would think he would have gone as he does (according to OP) want to save the relationship.

Thank you all. I’m not proud of myself, but believe it or not, I don’t feel like I’m doing this deliberately. I simply do not feel like being with him, cuddling him or having sex.

It IS a massive thing and I really do feel like I have tried. I accept it is largely my fault.

I do want my marriage to work. I suppose I just feel exhausted and lost. But surely surely couples come through worse?

All comments very helpful, even if they do make me feel like a monster!