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Original poster

What do men typically tell their affair partner about their marriage?

138 replies

Weareyourfriends · 16/02/2018 22:43

My friend is having an affair with a married man. He has obviously told her some things about his marriage to make her feel better about being involved with him.I am willing to bet that women on here who have either been involved with a married man or whose partners have strayed can predict the things that he's told her - so what do you think they are? If the answers come back as accurate as I expect, I will show her this thread to help her understand that what he is told her is absolutely classic - and therefore likely not true.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 17/02/2018 11:45

My ex-h left for OW. There were some corkers I am given to understand :

We hadn't had sex in six years (we had a 2 year old and indeed had sex in the week before he left).

I had mental health issues.

We were like brother and sister (!)

I was cold, unloving, unable to show love and emotion and had no friends (the entire opposite is true and indeed, ex-h hasn't got a single friend).

We did nothing together.

I had tricked him into having DS (he in fact "tricked" me, but that is a whole other, quite horrific story).

That he realised he'd made the biggest mistake of his life two years after marrying me (but waited for 14 years, two house moves and child to leave).

That I didn't make a single financial contribution to the marriage (that pissed me right off, I supported him 100% and paid the fucking mortgage while he sodded about being "self employed" for years).

Oh the list is endless. OW chose to believe all this, indeed sent me the most vile email describing me as "the worse excuse of a loving mother she'd ever seen", a "sad fuck", you "deserve everything that is happening to you for being a shit wife", "if you were so great, why did he leave". She's a blinder, she really is. He's still with her and we are SO much better off without him. Utter lying, cheating piece of shit. If that's her prize, she's welcome to him.

He still tells terrible lies about me, all the way through financial/children's matters in court. The pair of them have to portray me in the worst light possible to justify their vile behaviour. I can hold my head up, people know, those who matter, know. Their bile just reflects on them.

SelfLoathing · 17/02/2018 11:47

It varies and I don't think there is any typical.

I was an OW and in my case I was initially told he was separated. After I discovered the truth, he was quite clear that he had no intention of leaving his wife or his children. His wife was hugely wealthy so apart from everything else he was never going to leave for financial reasons and I knew that

There was never any slagging off of his wife or any suggestion that they weren't sleeping together.

I also know of someone else where the MM told her that he loved her but he loved his wife too and his family were his priority so he would never leave them.

It isn't always "my wife doesn't understand me" and "we haven't had sex in years." I mean most women with their heads screwed on wouldn't actually believe that.

BackInTheRoom · 17/02/2018 12:12

@Offred

Whilst it’s true that some people have affairs because they are unhappy and lack the balls/skills to do the right thing. A huge amount of people have affairs despite being in a happy relationship because of something inside them.

Agree. The research I've read confirms this.

Happy people cheat! If you disagree, read up and educate yourself!

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 17/02/2018 12:30

They don't - they don't say they are married because they don't want you to know until they are found out ! Then they say "you never asked " FFS

Lovemusic33 · 17/02/2018 12:30

I have heard many things

“We sleep in seperate rooms”
“She said I can see who I like”
“I’m just staying for the kids”
“We haven’t had sex for years”
“I’m in a sexless marriage”

Blah....blah...blah......

Yes people do have affairs because they are unhappy but they should leave before it gets to that point.

Maybela · 17/02/2018 13:00

It’s not always that simple Love.

I do sleep in separate room from DH.
We don’t have sex and haven’t for 6 years.
We do get on ok and parent well.

We do however have two children going through exams and one with severe disabilities.

It’s not always as easy as saying I’ve had enough, I’m off.

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 13:09

@ MaybellaBut are you or he having an affair and if so is there an unspoken (or spoken) acceptance of it being an open relationship

YTho · 17/02/2018 13:13

"we're just really good friends now, but nothing more." told by one of my exes to his ow. Even after the breakup, he still claimed that we are still really good friends.....we most certainly weren't.

ComeOnGordon · 17/02/2018 13:13

I found thousands of text messages between my H and his OW - actually they rarely discussed me. He did have the fucking cheek to say I was with him for his money (this could not be further from the truth). Obv I don’t know what he told her when he was with her but it was all lies - we had regular sex, our marriage at the point he started the affair was perfectly fine. He never acted like he was unhappy at home so that wasn’t the reason. There’s just something selfish & entitled within him that believes it’s ok to do this to his wife and family.

Whisky2014 · 17/02/2018 13:14

Yy to no sex life.
Shes Boring
I'm a million times better/more attractive/fun
Amazing sex with me
They had terrible fights where she threw stuff at him

I dated him for 4 months and left at the first abusive signal. He went back To her :s

Lovemusic33 · 17/02/2018 13:21

Maybel I have 2 children with disabilities, I went 2 years not sharing a bed, I was then tempted by another man, this was a wake up call and I realised I no longer loved dh, I also realised that it was not normal to sleep in seperate rooms, it was not good for my dc’s (what was I teaching them), I also realised that life’s too short to be with someone that shows you no effection. I left and it was the best thing I ever did, he’s still a good dad to the dc’s, supports them emotionally, physically and financially, the children are happier, it hasn’t effected my older daughters grades or her mental health. Why is it ok to stay together for the kids when infact you are probably effecting them a lot bumpy not creating a happy environment?

OrangeCrush19 · 17/02/2018 17:30

I saw a bloke on a dating site whose profile said something like “married and looking for fun. Won’t leave my wife cos she’d turn the kids against me and I’d lose them. Not willing to risk it.’

I messaged him and said ‘is the reason you’re worried she might turn the kids against you because you lie to her? Do you think it’s fair that she’s in an open marriage without being allowed to decide if that’s what she wants, while you risk her sexual health?’

Weirdly he didn’t reply... Hmm

Ginpasta · 17/02/2018 17:52

My STBEXH told his ow that we had separated & he was living in another property and that he had to keep things quiet as I wasn't coping well mentally with the separation 😱 At this point in time we were very much living as a 'happy' family and there had never been any mention of separation. She decided to believe his shit & they are still seeing each other

chestylarue52 · 17/02/2018 18:15

I’ve never been a OW but I do use sex/dating websites for casual sex and you get all sorts.

Usually long term health problems to which I ask ok, does she know you’re doing this? Can I speak to her? Which results in silence/blocking.

Or yes we’re together for the kids. Same as above.

Or some of them are just honest and say they don’t find her attractive any more or that they don’t have enough sex.

uncoolnn · 17/02/2018 18:18

I was once the OW and he actually told me very little about her or their life. I was 18 and very very stupid.

PancakeInMaBelly · 17/02/2018 18:19

The reason it "worked" on a friend who was an OW was because it was all built on flattery:

You have a better body than my GF
You're better in bed than my GF
You're more understanding than my girlfriend (i.e. more of a doormat but if I keep spinning it as a character compliment youll keep your life on hold while youre on call to me for sex)

Lalimerente · 17/02/2018 18:19

Xshe is a functioning alcoholic who neglects our child. If I leave and she has custody he may not survive this. I have to stay around to make sure he is fed and dressed and cared for

You are my angel, a gift from God .

I am lonely and depressed, she is abusing me as soon as I step into the house....

lucylouuu · 17/02/2018 18:29

i'm going to leave her but i can't right now because of ** - insert shit excuse -

kidsneedfathers · 17/02/2018 18:53

In my case i know how the OW stalked him and stroke his ego. She clearly told him i know you love your wife and will never leave her but i love you noone compares to you,i am willing to defy my milieu just to be with you, i am happy with the little bit pf crumbles you give me, i pay for my tickets/hotel etc just to be with you whenever she cant or does not want to join you. ...i know her. She knows me and know my kids. She knew he was msking sacrifices so that all his earmings eould be invested in our health and facilitate my wife (the kids needed expensive treatments. ..they are all ok now and do extremely well healthwiae and academically) . So not all men are telling lies to dip it into The OW. On the contrary... The OW might be attracted to him and stalk him because she sees how much he loves his wife/kids and how many things he does for her/and the kids. She might become bold if she sees that the wife is "neglecting" him because she is busy with the kids etc...I have solid proofs of all I claim.

kidsneedfathers · 17/02/2018 18:56

To facilitate my life* not wife..I was going through expensive treatments ....he worked hard and lived in an ascetic way to pay for all our treatments (the best available treatments...) and all the helpers we needed to get stuff done in our everyday life...

Poshsausage · 17/02/2018 21:49

This is all so sad and hurtful isn’t it
If you read the “we not having sex “ threads it’s like the prelude to all of this
Human nature I guess sigh

Offred · 17/02/2018 21:55

If you read the no sex threads what jumps out at me is the ‘I can’t leave’ when in actual fact, though it may be hard to leave, of course all of them can... It is a choice to stay. It would be a choice to have an affair rather than leave or negotiate an open relationship too and it is hard to see how someone ‘can’ have an affair (usually ending their relationship in the process) when they ‘can’t’ leave...

Offred · 17/02/2018 21:58

In fact ‘can’t leave’ is a perfect prelude to an affair because the person is setting themselves up to be out of control rather than taking responsibility for their own choices. Even the kind of affair that happens in those circs is more likely to be messy and wrong because of the person’s out of control mindset.

rainbowlou · 17/02/2018 22:15

My H told her we didn’t have sex anymore, despite the fact we did right up until the night before I found him texting her.
He said he stayed for the children.. he also told her and her friends we had drifted apart even though we were house hunting to move away and start a whole new life miles Away..we spent many weekends away searching for new homes by the sea yet she thought we were on the verge of splitting up.

SandyY2K · 17/02/2018 22:15

Without reading any responses

I can't leave because of the kids.
Don't love her anymore
She trapped me by getting pregnant

I don't want to be a part time dad
married her out of obligation
Can't leave because she can't cope/she's unstable

We don't sleep together*

We're like flatmates

She's abusive

Can't leave because insert excuse [her mums ill, xx is having trouble at school. ..finances are entangled]