Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do men typically tell their affair partner about their marriage?

138 replies

Weareyourfriends · 16/02/2018 22:43

My friend is having an affair with a married man. He has obviously told her some things about his marriage to make her feel better about being involved with him.I am willing to bet that women on here who have either been involved with a married man or whose partners have strayed can predict the things that he's told her - so what do you think they are? If the answers come back as accurate as I expect, I will show her this thread to help her understand that what he is told her is absolutely classic - and therefore likely not true.

OP posts:
ladamanera · 17/02/2018 09:45

What the last poster said. Often the truth, if pushed - respectful words said with a bit of guilt/conflict and a lot of compliments. Coupled with sad reflections the impossibility of leaving or hurting this person that is so tightly woven to them and seems to want nothing more than the status quo, and sees them as a fixture to be taken for granted. Sometimes there are cliches because those are in fact the genuine pitfalls of a marriage- less sexualnappreciation, physical contact, boring holidays and conversations, a life filled with chores and admin and other people’s diktats and living for the children. The sadness and lonliness of losing the one you thiught youd have a lifelong adventre with under a pile of laundry and work and debt and carping at each other and onesies and shit boxsets. The people who have affairs are not all American Psycho sociopaths who denigrate one person to lure in the next.

ladamanera · 17/02/2018 09:51

Oh also- and I think this can tear the Ow in two eventually- love. How the wife is the first priority. How shes amazig. How much he loves her. How he will never leave her. How he wishes society had given us tools for him to approach her with these issues and solve them without knifing her in the heartband how he genuinely thinks an affair is the only solution. But that he loves Her, not the OW.
Not endorsing these points of view but have a number of frinds on all sides of this as I reach my forties and surprising how similar the tales are. Its so sad. And even when you are hurt and outraged, generalising and demonising everyone wont help you prevent it understand it or move on from it.

DotCottonDotCom · 17/02/2018 09:53

I’ve only read the OP so my reply isn’t based or inspired by other replies

“We don’t sleep together anymore”
“She doesn’t care for me, she thinks about herself”
“She says I can sleep with whoever I want”

Gah81 · 17/02/2018 09:56

Having not actually been with a married man, but having had various married men try it on:

She doesn't get me
If it weren't for the children, we wouldn't be together
I never really loved her

Etc. Etc. Exactly the same as PP say above. eye rolls forever

eeanne · 17/02/2018 09:59

My friend had an affair with a married man, his story was “The marriage is dead but she’s Catholic so we can’t divorce.” 🙄

AFistfulOfDolores · 17/02/2018 10:05

"My wife doesn't understand me," is a really common one, and a really telling one: because what it really is, is projection. The people who say this don't and cannot understand themselves - and so they'll never accept any kind of responsibility for their actions whatsoever.

Offred · 17/02/2018 10:08

Ha ha! Often complete lies too though. My ex said;

  • We are separated, I still live there to help with the baby
  • She is crazy, jealous and controlling she will stop me seeing the baby if she finds out about you
  • I’ve never met anyone like you

Reality was;

  • If we were separated he hadn’t told me and he was still sleeping in my bed and demanding sex, he refused to work but took all of the shared benefits leaving me with just my SMP, tax credits and CHB but half of the bills and all of the food/clothes/baby expenses.
  • He despised the baby and never cared for him, never changed a nappy/bathed him/played with him, would even tell me to feed him/keep him in his bedroom so it didn’t disturb his PC gaming/drinking. He frequently went on benders where he disappeared for up to 3 days.
  • I was totally emotionally beaten down, this was at least the 50th woman he had cheated with and I was constantly trying to get him to bother with his son.
Offred · 17/02/2018 10:12

And I know what he said to her because a couple of years later after dragging me through family court (ruled vexatious cos I’d never stopped him seeing DC) and having got her to care for my DC during contact he did the exact same to her.

Mindhunter · 17/02/2018 10:13

A friend of mine who was with a married man was quite shocked when his wife who he never had sex with was expecting a baby.

Burpinglottie · 17/02/2018 10:14

A man will tell a woman whatever he needs to to her in her pants. It’s that simple.

upsideup · 17/02/2018 10:15

Why are these all likely to be lies? Surely if he was in a happy, secure relationship he wouldnt be having an affair?

Failingat40 · 17/02/2018 10:17

She's become really overweight and lazy.

She does nothing in the house.

She rejects me all the time.

All she cares/talks about are the kids.

She expects me to work all day then come home and do housework.

We're only together for the kids.

These are everything my relative was told by the married man she was seeing.

FeedtheTree · 17/02/2018 10:17

She's mad/ill.
I haven't really loved her for years
Only staying for the children
We never have sex
We have nothing to say to each other
She treats me like shit
Any variation of she's a mad/unreasonable monster and I'm a saint

Nellyphants · 17/02/2018 10:17

I love my wife doesn’t understand me. I’ve had tgatvsaid to me lots

So the women you’ve lived with for 20 years, had kids with, have finances with doesn’t understand you? Well what chance would I have? Get lost

RidingWindhorses · 17/02/2018 10:21

Surely if he was in a happy, secure relationship he wouldnt be having an affair?

Oh the naivety...

Annabelle4 · 17/02/2018 10:22

She's mental.
She's on antidepressants, so I can't leave.
She'd stop me from seeing my kids.
We sleep in separate beds, we're effectively separated but living together.

Angrybird123 · 17/02/2018 10:25

upside I think all marriages have low points, buried under childcare, juggling work / chores etc and yes the couple at that point probably are not love's young dream but the whole bloody point of marriage is to ride that out together. .I'm not saying people should stay together if there is genuinely no love / respect / kindness or in cases of abuse but to use the absolutely normal 'boring bit' of a marriage as an excuse to tear a family apart is inexcusable. .the reasons given by most pp are right and may seem true to the person saying them but really? Is it ok to explode the lives of the spouse and children because an adult can't take the slightly longer view? And if that adult directed their emotional energy back to the spouse they might just find their way back into the marriage but they've got got little chance of that if an affair partner is there stroking their ego and agreeing with them.

ForalltheSaints · 17/02/2018 10:26

I know that people fall for lies (17.4m did in June 2016), but why do women (and some men) keep believing such rubbish?

Cadence70 · 17/02/2018 10:27

Although they are clichés they're probably true, no one has an affair if they're happy in their marriage
If my husband or me had an affair we could say the majority of things previous posters have said and in all honesty they'd be true
We have grown apart, we don't have sex, neither of us understands the other, we're probably both still in it for kids/ financial reasons
We can't be the only ones like this and I don't blame people for looking for a bit of happiness elsewhere to be honest

Offred · 17/02/2018 10:33

Whilst it’s true that some people have affairs because they are unhappy and lack the balls/skills to do the right thing. A huge amount of people have affairs despite being in a happy relationship because of something inside them.

Sppapp · 17/02/2018 10:33

Mine told me he loved and adored his wife and was never going g to leave her but that the physical side wasn’t there. She was too focused on being a mother.

Chloe421 · 17/02/2018 10:47

I do not love my wife, don't think I ever have, but I couldn't leave her as it would destroy our lives and I couldn't do that to the children.

I have never believed in love... until now 😷

My wife and I haven't been intimate for years, but she is a good friend to me and I care about her alot 😒

I wish I had met you 20 years ago (before I met wife)

You make me feel alive again.

I am confused. I have to settle for my marriage. I can't be a bad person. I have made many mistakes.

The list is endless

Theglobe · 17/02/2018 10:52

The same shit cheating women say.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 17/02/2018 10:53

she pays too much attention to the kids
We never have sex (I'd just had a baby!)
She's psycho/a bitch/doesn't understand me
No one understands me like you do
I'm just staying for the kids

M7864 · 17/02/2018 11:29

A lot of these reasons are true though.

I know in my friendship group, there are women who settled due to age and want of children. Some of them are now totally child focused and use their husbands for security.

Swipe left for the next trending thread