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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend really paranoid, please help

84 replies

gaynor83 · 16/02/2018 18:24

We started seeing each other 9 weeks ago. We're both 35.
He's got a problem with cocaine and I only recently found out how bad it is.
Usually he is really lovely and loving towards me and seems very straightforward. Things have moved very fast between us and he has practically been living at my house. I've been starting to think he's the one and I love him. He says he wants to get off the drugs and he doesn't do it around me.
But the other night he was saying that someone has been telling him I've been texting guys behind his back...which is totally not true it's like he makes up stuff in his head and I don't know how to defend myself.
Things seemed to be ok again but today he's started again. I had an important letter of his in my car, and he asked for it today but I couldn't find it. Then later He rang and said he found it in my bin...said it's not working between us..and said cos I didn't answer the phone quickly "did I have my hands full"..as if in was up to something. I don't know how his letter ended up in my bin, possibly I accidentally threw it away but I don't know. Now he has turned his phone off and I don't know what to think. My head is totally done in. I feel like telling him in text that I love him but I don't know if I should...i know he was cheated on by his ex but I'm not the same.
I'm really worried about him too. What can I do? Is it the drugs making him like this?

OP posts:
glitterbiscuits · 16/02/2018 18:26

Do you want a boyfriend with a cocaine problem?

It’s not normal.

Trills · 16/02/2018 18:26

If I had been seeing someone for 9 weeks and found out they had a problem with cocaine, I wouldn't be seeing them for any more weeks.

Whitney168 · 16/02/2018 18:27

Been seeing him 9 weeks and you're already worried enough to be posting on a forum asking advice? - have rid!!

SilverHairedCat · 16/02/2018 18:27

It's 9 weeks in. Drugs, paranoia, controlling, emotional outbursts?

Run like. Hell.

And don't engage with the drama / bullshit that he's spouting.

arousingcheer · 16/02/2018 18:28

I'm sorry, this is full of red flags for me, and it's far too early in your relationship for you to feel obligated to stick around. Do you have a history of codependent relationships?

The drugs won't be helping but clearly this behaviour and how you feel about it are not alarming him or he'd be taking a long hard look at himself and his cocaine use.

GeekyWombat · 16/02/2018 18:29

Relationships should not be this exhausting, especially this early on.

Casmama · 16/02/2018 18:29

Run like the wind. If he contacts you again tell him you might be interested when he is off drugs and has been clean for a while bu5 not before.

Loonyluna16 · 16/02/2018 18:29

My OH had a cocaine problem when we first met and it is a lot of perseverance needed. When my partner was coming off it he was so paranoid about every thing. It does take some time but it will pass. It all depends on if you can put up with this. My DP has now been off it for a year and a half and it's been worth the wait. Xx

SnowGoArea · 16/02/2018 18:29

I would say it's probably a combination of the drugs and past hurt/mental health issues making him like this. It's sad and unfortunate for him, but you can't be in a relationship (well, not a healthy one) with someone who's is feeling like he is. You can't fix him either.

The drugs alone would make me run a mile. The accusations would too. The combination will be toxic and miserable for you - get out while you aren't in all that deep.

pog100 · 16/02/2018 18:29

I'm sorry but you will not get one single person here dying anything other than telling you to run as fast you can from this man. He is bad, bad news and will make your life a misery. For God's sake take a step back, get perspective and completely dump him.

UnimaginativeNameChange1 · 16/02/2018 18:29

9 weeks in and he's a cocklodging, controlling cokehead.

And you think he's the one???

Dump him, then try to have a good think about why you expect so little.

Trills · 16/02/2018 18:29

You think the solution is to tell him you love him?

Are YOU on any drugs?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 16/02/2018 18:30

You've moved far too fast with this relationship and are paying the price now. A guy who seemed to be the love of your life has proven himself to be a paranoid man who uses cocaine.

Think back six months. If your friend had said, "I know a man who'd suit you. He's really goodlooking. He uses cocaine regularly but won't do it when you're around. He's also paranoid - he'll accuse you of doing things and saying things - after a while you won't know whether you're coming or going. Shall I fix you up on a date with him?" what do you think your answer would've been?

ShovingLeopard · 16/02/2018 18:30

The idea that you are probably cheating if you do not jump to it the instant he commands you to answer the phone is insane. Do you want this ridiculous, exhausting drama to be your life permanently? If not, ditch him now.

Offred · 16/02/2018 18:30

OMFG dump him and then immediately get yourself on the freedom program!

Drugs or not this man is controlling and abusive. People didn’t tell him you were cheating, the letter wasn’t in your bin, he is making it up to control you. He has moved into your house to stake out his territory not because he loves you.

Kick him out and keep him out.

arousingcheer · 16/02/2018 18:30

And you can't defend yourself against any of this. Engaging with the drama gives it life, you can't win.

Offred · 16/02/2018 18:31

Oh and the accusations you are cheating? They probably coincide with him cheating on you...

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2018 18:31

You've only known him nine weeks - I don't think you love him, you don't really know him. Maybe you love the 'him' he projected for a while, but this paranoid addict is the real him, I'm afraid.

Don't get any further in, he might not want to be like this but he is, and he will take you down with him.

UnimaginativeNameChange1 · 16/02/2018 18:32

I'm a bit surprised a 35-year-old doesn't know this, but yes, paranoia is a very, very common effect of cocaine use. And cocaine is very addictive. He won't stop using it. Saying he wants to stop means fuck all. Addicts lie, even to people they think they love. This will only get worse.

FannyWisdom · 16/02/2018 18:33

Chalk it up.
You wasted 9 weeks don't let it become 9 months or years

MincemeatTart · 16/02/2018 18:33

If this is real, you need to exit the relationship rapidly. He’s an addict and will soak up all your money, emotions and destroy your friendships. Living together after nine weeks is, quite frankly, just plain silly.
He is also becoming controlling and that will only get worse.
This isn’t going to end well but at least give it up before you decide to get pregnant.

Loonyluna16 · 16/02/2018 18:35

@unimaginative if someone wants to come off cocaine they can and they will I've seen it first hand. You cannot jump to the conclusion that they're lying.

Offred · 16/02/2018 18:35

Eek, I just AS you....

Honestly, you really desperately need to get out of this relationship and stay out of all relationships for a while whilst you work on your mental health, you are lurching from one disaster to another and this is going to make your anxiety and depression much worse.

Mix56 · 16/02/2018 18:37

Run & run fast

category12 · 16/02/2018 18:39

He's lying about the letter. Get rid of him.

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