Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend really paranoid, please help

84 replies

gaynor83 · 16/02/2018 18:24

We started seeing each other 9 weeks ago. We're both 35.
He's got a problem with cocaine and I only recently found out how bad it is.
Usually he is really lovely and loving towards me and seems very straightforward. Things have moved very fast between us and he has practically been living at my house. I've been starting to think he's the one and I love him. He says he wants to get off the drugs and he doesn't do it around me.
But the other night he was saying that someone has been telling him I've been texting guys behind his back...which is totally not true it's like he makes up stuff in his head and I don't know how to defend myself.
Things seemed to be ok again but today he's started again. I had an important letter of his in my car, and he asked for it today but I couldn't find it. Then later He rang and said he found it in my bin...said it's not working between us..and said cos I didn't answer the phone quickly "did I have my hands full"..as if in was up to something. I don't know how his letter ended up in my bin, possibly I accidentally threw it away but I don't know. Now he has turned his phone off and I don't know what to think. My head is totally done in. I feel like telling him in text that I love him but I don't know if I should...i know he was cheated on by his ex but I'm not the same.
I'm really worried about him too. What can I do? Is it the drugs making him like this?

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 16/02/2018 19:10

Struggling to understand wtaf made you move a 9 week relationship with a drug addict into your own home????
Seriously hoping this is a wind up because this is one fucked up level of desperation and stupidity.
Please tell me there are no kids involved in this car crashConfused

ChaosNeverRains · 16/02/2018 19:17

You know, I read posts on here from people saying “I’ve been seeing this wonderful man for five minutes and all is going so well and I lufs him sooooo much, but he’s got a coke habit/is a sex offender/is a control freak and I just don’t know what to do,” and my instant response is “What the fuck???

If after nine weeks only you need to ask what to do Then there is only one answer. Get rid, and don’t have any more relationships.

Please tell me you don’t have children.

mathanxiety · 16/02/2018 19:18

Get rid.

Then get therapy for yourself.

You need to figure out what the heck made you get so wrapped up in this relationship so fast before you end up being dragged down again by the next loser.

jenp256 · 16/02/2018 19:24

9 weeks in, get rid now!

I couldn't be arsed with any of that rubbish in the first flush of love, sorry.

RidingWindhorses · 16/02/2018 19:35

He's not really your bf, you're dating and now you've found out he's a lying cokehead. So that's the end of that, right?

TheArtOfNoise · 16/02/2018 19:39

Get out now!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 16/02/2018 19:47

I knew I recognised your name
Op I mean this in the nicest way but for your own safety and MH issues you need to stop dating.
You also need to get therapy, look into why you are repeating this pattern over and over.
You admit you have esteem issues but I think this goes way deeper.
You're not stupid, you're at uni and are clearly able to write/read/express yourself very well but this isn't normal. You need to stand up, take responsibility for your own life and emotional well being and get the help you need to work through this or you will never have a healthy relationship.
Look we've all made mistakes, trust me I fell in love with the biggest fuck up of all and very nearly let him destroy my whole life so I'm not judging but ok......in less than a year you have posted about falling for and being shit on by drug addicts, holiday romances, cousins of friends, a man who you met on a dating site, a turkish waiter and a longstanding male friend who had a gf. All involved you taking extraordinary risks, constant contact, most involved you feeling a connection, some involved sex, all involved these men using you for something.

Lillylollylandy · 16/02/2018 20:03

You need to walk away. Now.

ChaosNeverRains · 16/02/2018 20:05

So OP, this boyfriend of nine weeks, is it the same boyfriend you had been seeing for two months at the end of January who was living with his female friend then but is now living with you and were you on OK Cupid in December while still shagging this cokehead or was it a different one?

And that’s before we get to the holiday one and the facebook one...? Lots of overlaps/inconsistencies there - reads like the diary of a twelve year old.

TemptressofWaikiki · 16/02/2018 20:09

Wow, at aged 35 you even have to ask....?

pinkyredrose · 16/02/2018 20:22

Why has he practically moved in, doesn't he have a home to go to? You must be fucking desperate for a man.

Karigan1 · 16/02/2018 20:26

Ffs leave him. If he’s accusing you of things like cheating this early and manipulating you like this it’s a massive red flag. Don’t wait until he’s got you where he wants you and the real shit starts. Leave NOW.

BackInTheRoom · 16/02/2018 20:52

Usually he is really lovely and loving towards me and seems very straightforward

Yeah but it's because he was coked up! You fell for someone who was showing you the love when he was under the effects of cocaine ! I'm wondering if the real him, when not on drugs, is the paronoid version? Maybe he *needs' to quell his paranoia by taking coke? 🤔

PrimalLady · 16/02/2018 21:18

Nope. All the nopes. He will not get off the drugs. He is not in a position to offer anything to you but stress and worry.

If he genuinely has feelings for you he will go away for six months, get clean, sort his life out, get some stability off his own back and then see what his options with you are.

Do not wait around tho.

Genuine trust issues is one thing. The guy I'm seeing has trust issues. I say seeing because even though his come from genuine trauma with no extra effects from any kind of drug abuse (he is very healthy the hardest thing he does is coffee) he is still not in a position to commit to me or to be in a relationship. I've witnessed the reasons for his issues myself, and I'm willing to work through them but even then it is incredibly difficult, it is hard emotionally and there are a hell of a lot of positive factors about him and our "relationship" in general. Drug abuse would automatically cancel every positive out for me and I'd walk away. You will never know whats genuine and what's the drugs talking either.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 16/02/2018 22:00

Step away from this man.

Then step away from dating.

Then work out how your self esteem is so far down the toilet that a paranoid, gaslighting addict is what you think you deserve.

Ginsodden · 16/02/2018 22:15

Nobody told him you were texting other men.

His last girlfriend did not cheat on him.

He hid the letter and pretended to find it in the bin.

He is gaslighting you and abuse will begin soon.

Run far and fast.....

Jellyheadbang · 16/02/2018 22:29

You can’t win with a cokehead. I put up with way more than I should have until I found the actual evidence because he was a good liar. I put up with it because I grew up in a dysfunctional family with addict and mentally ill parents, my boundaries are / were completely shonky and I’ve been a walking target as well as an enabler for a stream of liars and assicts for nearly three decades.
Apart from having my beautiful children it’s been nothing but stress, drama and constant disappointment.
I’m finally learning to do things differently but it’s taken it’s toll on me. As well as choosing to be single I have cut myself off from my parents as well as some other abusive friends and family members.
It’s a hard and lonely journey at times but so worth it not to have the anxiety and constant self doubt.
You can move on from this, please don’t let this drag you down.

WellThisIsShit · 16/02/2018 23:06

Oh dear it does sound like your stuck in a relationship pattern which isn’t working for you. You might be feeling a bit attached with some of the replies on here, but it is worth it to take a step back.

Once you really can see that you’re stuck in trying to do something the same way each time and it keeps on going wrong each time, that maybe you need some help breaking out of that pattern.

I’m trying to do that same thing actually. Got taught really bad relationship patterns growing up and I’m attracted to people that make very bad partners. Which makes me very sad as actually, all I want is to find someone to love and who loves me back... so, I hope one day I’ll be able to break the programming of a lifetime and find true happiness in a healthy relationship. It’s a huge aim, I hope I can do it one day.

Maybe you would benefit from going on a similar journey? Maybe you’ll find it easier than me!

Madupfam · 16/02/2018 23:09

Lawd

teethtrauma · 16/02/2018 23:38

Is this the CRACK addict who less than three weeks ago went AWOL on you for two days and you suspected he may have slept with someone else? You moved that guy in? Come on, OP! WTF are you doing to yourself?!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/02/2018 00:05

9 weeks, seriously I have food in my fridge that's been there longer than that, run like the wind, you hardly know this man why would you want to put up with this shit?

Offred · 17/02/2018 01:56

FFS, crack?! I missed that in the AS....

Also, the op won’t be back to this thread now I think. I don’t think she’s in the right place to hear that this isn’t a great love story with a brooding and damaged lover who needs saving from his demons but will ultimately prevail.

OP if you are reading then please know that you must make your own choices for yourself but that staying with this awful man would be an exceptionally bad one but nevertheless one you are entitled to make for yourself.

If you don’t have DC ignore this; if you do in fact have DC then that changes everything, please get the help you need to be a stable parent, for their sake/s. If you won’t leave him for yourself leave him for them and if you still won’t leave him then I hope someone removes them from this situation before they are irreparably damaged.

LemonysSnicket · 17/02/2018 02:33

9werks 🙄

Burstingwithlife · 17/02/2018 02:54

Yes the drugs can cause serious paranoia. If he’s acting so disrespectfully soveatly on, imagine how things will be in a year. You can’t help him stop the drugs. He has to do it for himself.
I’ve never taken drugs myself but there’s plenty on social media about them and the effects of them.
The guy is expecting you to chase him otherwise he wouldn’t have turned his phone off (for impact).
You feel drawn to him because you feel needed. It makes you feel as though you have value in the relationship. What is he doing to support you?
How he behaves is called Emotional abuse. It’s controlling. This behaviour will only worsen with time.

Coyoacan · 17/02/2018 06:01

A friend of mine went out with a cokehead. They went to a concert one night and on the way home he beat her up because he was convinced that when she went to the toilets, she had actually gone out the back alley to have sex with some random.

God, I hate cokeheads.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread