Boyfriend really paranoid, please help

[gaynor83]

We started seeing each other 9 weeks ago. We're both 35.
He's got a problem with cocaine and I only recently found out how bad it is.
Usually he is really lovely and loving towards me and seems very straightforward. Things have moved very fast between us and he has practically been living at my house. I've been starting to think he's the one and I love him. He says he wants to get off the drugs and he doesn't do it around me.
But the other night he was saying that someone has been telling him I've been texting guys behind his back...which is totally not true it's like he makes up stuff in his head and I don't know how to defend myself.
Things seemed to be ok again but today he's started again. I had an important letter of his in my car, and he asked for it today but I couldn't find it. Then later He rang and said he found it in my bin...said it's not working between us..and said cos I didn't answer the phone quickly "did I have my hands full"..as if in was up to something. I don't know how his letter ended up in my bin, possibly I accidentally threw it away but I don't know. Now he has turned his phone off and I don't know what to think. My head is totally done in. I feel like telling him in text that I love him but I don't know if I should...i know he was cheated on by his ex but I'm not the same.
I'm really worried about him too. What can I do? Is it the drugs making him like this?

My god. You really need to stop being with anyone. At all. Seriously.

I think he is lying about the letter too. But he told a mutual friend he found it in my bin after he left here this morning. I can't explain it I don't know what happened to it.
I know everyone says run and I haven't been with him long but I genuinely do care for him. I know I sound pathetic. I just feel so upset and confused. Everything has been so good up until the past few days.

If you want the most dangerous, heart wrenching, soul destroying, traumatic, exhausting and emotionally draining period of your life to being right now stay with him.
However you will be putting up with this kind of shit (and worse) for years to come.
You're one of the lucky ones you're older, hopefully wiser and he's showed you his true colours so early.
You don't love him, you don't know him. You have seen as much bad as you have good why stay. Don't make the mistake millions of others have made, you wont change him. Thank God you swerved that bullet and move on.
If you do stay with him and you have children they could be at risk so bear that in mind too. No man is worth loosing your kids over.

Agree with everyone else here. He will not change, take it from someone who spent 20 years thinking that if I just show I love him enough he will be ok, and that was without drugs being in the mix. He might not have been cheated on by his last girlfriend. I am sure my ex tells everyone I cheated on him, but may affairs existed only in his head and I never so much as held hands with another man.

Everything's been good so far but did you really think that life with this guy would work out well?

Please, please listen to everyone on here. Get out now!!

Yes Carrie I'm beginning to think that's true. Maybe his ex cheating was in his head too. I just feel totally confused and paranoid myself now too.

9 weeks.
Don’t do this.

But it hasn't been good throughout - he's been on cocaine throughout. That's not what you want, and you know it.

So what he told a mutual friend? Why on earth do you think that means he isn’t lying? It means he is recruiting mutual friends into his attempts to control and abuse you.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you would behave as though this is the best you deserve?

He isn’t even being subtle about his abuse, he is openly abusing you and this type of man is not only high risk for physically beating you, but also high risk for actually murdering you.

What on earth can you possibly love about a man that within 9 weeks has moved into your house and is trying to send you crazy and impose totalitarian control... not to mention is addicted to cocaine?!

This is presumably not the Australian you were obsessed with? Or the OLD guy? Or the other OLD guy? Or the other ex?...

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.

Oh my god...you're questioning what to do??? What a weirdo!

If you look through your own posting history there is a pattern of unstable, dramatic and superficial relationships over the past year or so where you get intensely attached to highly unsuitable men... this man is the worst one out of all of them, and you believe he is ‘the one’...

You are so so vulnerable, you really need support to break this pattern.

If you feel unable to end this please contact women’s aid. You can still have their support even while you are in an abusive relationship.

Please leave.

It might also be incredibly beneficial to explore in therapy why it is that you feel that "the one" is a paranoid coke-head.

Holy fuck op, run like the fucking wind.

Why the bollocks would you stay?

I think your OP about problems in a 9 week relationship is far too long. Why do you think this is worth pursuing?

Fucking hell op.
Leave.
Do not allow him to confuse you.

Even without the coke he is an abusive fuckwit.

And learn how to set much much higher boundaries......or trust me on this.......in 4 years you'll be so ground down you won't know who you are.

D the freedom programme and stop getting so quickly attached to complete fuck ups.
Life is not a film where you manage to "change" a guy like this.

Leave him!!!!! He will cause you nothing but trouble

Loonyluna16 of course it can be done, but you're jumping to the conclusion that he wants to do it enough to actually stop. All addicts who accept that they are addicted say they want to stop and for many (most) it's a long road. The experience you had doesn't necessarily translate to anyone else I'm sorry to say.

Wow, seriously - please please listen to all these wise women. I had this with an alcoholic
It was a complete headfuck.
And it destroyed me for months
The whole thing only lasted 8 weeks
I thought I was going insane

Please finish with him.
He is a coke user, he's paranoid ( linked ), controlling, lies, and is abusive.
This won't end well. Despite what he says about giving it up, if he stays, he will start using coke around you and you don't want your place to be known as a druggie venue.
Get him out of your home and block him, and work on yourself esteem

Agree with everybody else that you would be better off to end it now. If he's like this after 9 weeks imagine him in 6 months a year? He can't change and neither should you try to.

You can genuinely care about someone and still recognise (sadly) that the relationship would never work.

Feelings of love and caring for someone are one small contributor to a healthy relationship. You need more than that. Yes it's hard to walk away, but you'll end up in such a mess if you stay. And the nice feelings will be slowly replaced with resentment and paranoia, but of course it'll be tougher to extricate yourself by then. And then you'll have all that baggage and lost time to hoist along with you to the next relationship. DON'T DO IT!

Listen to Offred.

She knows of what she speaks.

op you really, really need help to work out why you keep getting so intensely attached to men so quickly.

It's not healthy.

And "the one" is a big pile of steaming Hollywood horseshit.