What do you tolerate in friends? Could you tolerate racism?

[charliecat]

I have a friend, she is nice, except shes also racist.
This has only came up a couple of times in the few years ive known her.
I feel I should cut our friendship dead because of this...do you tolerate it or ???

depends how obtrusive it is - and how much it offends you.

We have friends who are racist - we tend to just stear clear of subject areas that might provoke that sort of reaction.

I couldn't tolerate it. I also had a blazing row with a friend over his homophobia that sadly ended the friendship. I didn't actually intend to end the friendship - I just tackled him about it (slightly drunkenly I admit) hoping to get him to change his mind, but it didn't work. The resulting row was so bitter it ended the friendship anyway.

No

Can't/won't tolerate it.

Nope I could never tolerate racism.

I can't bear it if someone's racist. I would have to say something to her and if you couldn't get her to be more reasonable/rational (not quite sure of my words here, excuse me), then I personally would walk away.

I have been wondering the same thing. I have a good friend who is racist. She is always making "jokes" about what she would do if one of her daughters brought home a non-white boyfriend.
I find it quite uncomfortable but to be honest just try to change the subject. There are lots of things we don't agree on. I try to not let it affect our friendship.

Well I could never have got close to someone who held those views in the first place tbh. I have 2 main best mates and the 3 of us are firm friends, one is white the other black so it;'s not a issue that would ever come up with s.

However I did meet a couple through some other mutual friends and discovered that he was a racist pig and she held some racist views too,a nd I withdrew and cut them out of my life. He sickened me with his racist comments that he thought were oh so funny. My DP was out with all the boys one night and this guy was there, they went to an Indian resturant and Dp had to leave early as he couldn't stand this guys comments. My Dd went to a preschool and 80% of the children who attended were from Asian. She said she couldn't have handled that! IGood riddance to people like that from my life.
Makes my stomach turn to think aboiut them now.

Hmmm, I find it quite hard to classify the universe into 'racist' and 'not racist', I think it's really a matter of degree, iyswim.

That being said, I don't think I could be friends with someone who said things about people that I found offensive.

Real full blown racism, no, not ever.

The rare, stupidly crass comment would jar and upset me, but I might be able to cope with that

Ok, months ago she was aghast at the polish shop opening up in town, and the day before yesterday she sort of snubbed and kept interrupting my friend, who of course, is not white, which, after the polish comment, which I hadnt forgotten since last year I took as her being racist.
So nothing I could really get into a meaty arguement about..but still

Well, personally I think it's a bit of a contradiction to say that she is nice, except she's racist. To me that's like saying "she's nice, oh, except she isn't"

But perhaps if you're not sure whether you want to cut her out of your life, maybe next time she makes a comment you could say "I'm sorry but I find those kinds of comments offensive, please don't make them in my hearing."

It really depends, their is racism and there is ignorance. My mum says silly comments sometimes, her dad is the same but no way are they racist. I could and would not tolerate "true" racism.

I realised the opening sentence was contradictary, but apart from the racist bit of her she is nice. You must know what I mean.

All types of intolerant bigotry makes me angry, whether it's racism, homophobia or sexism. However it really would depend on the extent of the racism in question. If it's making 'light' jokes out of ignorance I have to say I wouldn't wish to fall out (I think the key word here is 'tolerance' after all) but I would make my opinions known that I found the jokes somewhat offensive. Sometimes I think people need to be 'educated' and reacting heavily could otherwise ruin a potentially good friendship.

I have to say though that intrinsic racial hatred I simply cannot tolerate. I know of a woman who won't eat a curry because she doesn't like foreigners and I have no desire to get to know her better.

I have cut out people who exhibit racial tendencies, but then I agree with NQC it is a matter of degree, it really is. Everyone has a line drawn in the sand and you have to stick to that line. I? I mean if I heard, as I have many many times, someone making a comment about Stamford HIll and Volvos then I would let them off - not condone - just tolerate it, but if it was something hateful and then I would cut the people out of my family's life.

The people I did cut out thought it was OK to refer to Aboriginals as c*o%s, and I knew that if they used that kind of language in front of us then they were using worse at home, IYSWIM, I also caught one of their kids, innocently enough, doing the Chinese/Japanese eyes thing. Pommie immigrants they were. Not good.

See, Sugarybits, I just could not be friends with someone like that. There are not a lot of things that really wind me up but racism in any shape or form is one of them.

make not makes.

Depends on the comment but don't think I could.

I have fallen out with a good friend - we had loads in common and she was really lovely but one day she said something really homophobic. I let it go and the next tiem it came up I challenged her and it was really uncomfortable and difficult and the friendship has become really low key since.

Although I miss her and valued her company my best friend is gay and it is comments and attitudes like hers that perpetuate the hatred towards my beloved best gay friend.

I got to the point where I could not live with myself being friends with her as I felt I was betraying what I fundementally see as an attitude to be vile.

absolutely couldn't tolerate it as DS is mixed race - what would that say to him when he's old enough to understand? I have an ex-bf who is not racist but has a peculiar way of talking about race that I find odd - and I won't even put up with that now.

chalirlecat - I know exaclty what you mean - apart from teh homophobia this friend was fab in every other way - she had a great sense of humour and we had a lot in common. I miss her in lots of ways

Same as MB.

Can someone give an example of "light hearted" racism?

Am finding the concept hard to imaigine.

can you ask her why she as interrupting the friend so much? It could have a nother explanation.

Same as MB and Blu
The specific examples you give charliecat, would start to put me off big-time I have to say

I do know what you mean Charlie, but to me the racist bits would make me doubt the nice bits, iyswim? I am not expressing what I mean very well, but to me it would kind of indicate that the nice bits were false, because if you are only prepared to be nice to people like you then it's not really niceness, it's just a form of selfishness - do you know what I mean?

I'm sorry - I'm not expressing myself very well, I think (to use a not-very-similar example) it's a bit like the Krays beating people up "but they were diamond to their old mum". Well great, but they're still bastards.