What do you tolerate in friends? Could you tolerate racism?

[charliecat]

I have a friend, she is nice, except shes also racist.
This has only came up a couple of times in the few years ive known her.
I feel I should cut our friendship dead because of this...do you tolerate it or ???

this is a difficult one, my DH godfather is a close family friend of his and his inlaws. I love hubby's family and really respect them, they are truly lovely people and never have a bad word to say about anyone. However, they consider godfather 'uncle joe' to be a lovely person and I can't stand him simply because on one occassion over sunday dinner he made a lot of very offensive racist remarks including congratulating us on moving house 'before the paki's move in and reduce the house prices' and talking about 'barbequing indians in the back garden with poppadoms' - !!!???!!!

This man gives out communion to sick people and is a big member of the local church. I've mentioned to my inlaws that I don't like him and can hardly bear to speak to him cos of those racist remarks and they say 'oh, he'd had a drink, he didn't mean it' - 'he's a really lovely man, he's so generous and looks after everyone in the neighbourhood etc etc' - I'm sure he does and think he has been a very good friend to them but I can't bear the thought that he considers himself to be a christian and can make comments like that.

To be honest, I think I get so mad about him because I am very ashamed of myself that when he made these remarks I didn't speak up. I sat quietly fuming and willing myself to say something but ended up just looking like I was sulking and making a bit of an atmosphere. Everyone else around the table was smiling politely at his 'funny jokes' and my poor hubby was desperately trying to change the topic of conversation because he knew I was going to explode.

sorry, that turned into a rant didn't it...not sure what my point is other than it is indeed very hard to accept that someone can be 'nice' and a racist.

Couldn't stand it. Not in a close friend. Could tolerate it in an acquaintance but it would prevent us becoming close. Racism is just too nasty and stupid for me.

Westerngirl, out of interest, would your sister have viewed the perpetrators with more venom had they been black?

As for the policewoman's line of questioning, that just underlies why many non-whites believe the police to be institutionally racist.

i had a 'friend' who was more of a person we got smashed with really, who i often argued with over his attitudes. Since we became parents, we cut off any ties with him- he's a racist, sexist, homophobic arse half the time, and i don't want my kids around him, or to hear the rotten things he comes out with. I know that they'll hear them one day from somewhere, but at least they'll see a clear indication that Mam and Dad don't like people like that.

one of our best friends is Asian (well, actually he's from Birmingham ) and i was dreading some of my more distant relatives being at my wedding next month, but thankfully they aren't coming now, so we can relax!

It's a difficult one. As someone pointed out there are different degrees of racism: from sterotyping people through to full blown racism. Where is the line? A friend of mine once said that we are all racists - I argued vehemently with her at thetime but now see what she meant.

When it comes to friends I do not tolerate racist views and will always challenge. If I beleiver the comment is through crassness rather than a deeply held viewpoint I wouldn't exclude them. But to be honest none of my friends hold racist or homophobic views.

Where I really struglle is with my family. they are my family and I love them but many of the hold views that I find deeply offensive. I always challenge when they are expressed in my company but I can't choose my family the way I can choose my friends. The worst is my Mum's partner - he is so ignorant I don't think he even realises his comments are offensive. My Mum just says - it's his age, his generation blah de blah. No excuse.

This reminds me of a classic comment my great uncle made as he gazed out of his window over the park. "There's no one in the park today... just Pakistanis". What can you do? I could have taken it up with himn but didn't because he was 98 and very deaf and I know it would be hopeless. But he is "a lovely man" in so many ways and wouldn't have thought anything of it. It's so deeply ingrained that he doesn't even realise that he thinks Pakistanis aren't fully human! At least we have progressed in our society so that most people really don't think like that now.

I ended a friendship once because of hte person's racism - but this was quite extreme. We were in secondary school, she was mixed up with some skinheads, that sort of thing. Nothing like telling the odd joke, for example, going down the road towards sinister stuff. The joke telling also irritates me and is a problem, and I would defo pull someone up each time it happened. If it were quite regular, would probably distance myself from the person.

I inherited a friendship when I got married - the people are very evangelical and, it transpires, homophobic. Normally they keep their views on such matters to themselves with us, but one time they did express horror that my husband's brother was asked to be a godparent. The wife blatently said it was wrong. I was absolutely furious - not just because I feel it's ignorant but my husband is a great friend of theirs and they should have had more respect on that basis alone frankly. DH wasn't so bothered - said people are entitled to their views. My husband has known thse people for a couple decades now and I'm sure they'll be part of our lives for some time to come. Do their views get in the way of a closer friendship? Sure - and I bet it works both ways.