How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

I think you are totally confused and need some time on your own to really process things. I am getting divorced because of my affair. I deeply regret it and wish I’d had time out from DH to work on what was wrong in our marriage. I have ripped my family apart over a funny, charismatic, charming and toxic man. Worst decision ever.

It’s very telling that stuff is coming out about your “abusive mother and father”. Many, many adult issues are caused by awful childhoods. Could you talk to your H about this?

OP - it’s hard and almost impossible to really read a stranger or a situation based on MN messages....
So what I say - it just one person’s opinion.

Some of your messages read as if you were trying really hard to convince yourself that the OM isn’t a good person - her tried to ‘lure you away’; he didn’t take into account the hurt it was causing you, etc...
Well - he loved you and wanted you back.... And you aren’t a child to be ‘lured’. Grown person with a free will.

And then you make him being ‘less than a good’ - a decisive factor in your staying with a husband you love ‘as a mother’.
And you also use that to makes your previous ‘love’ and your memory of it - less important, in your head..

And - that over-analysis makes me wonder if you are talking youself into doing something you ‘should’ do....

Because in the end - whether OM is good or bad - has no bearing on whether you want to make it work with your H.
Whether your past love was a significant event - also not relevant...
All that matters - given where you are - is where your heart is.
Because in the long term - you can’t make something work if it’s broken...

Also don't forget to give your husband time and space to talk about his past and the way it might have coloured the way he's behaved.

I had a close relation who behaved really badly and it became literally all about him. He got counselling, talked to his wife about it all and how it came about...and she got sick of it being all about him. She wanted a safe space and for someone to listen to her grievances, worries and fears. But nobody did. Everyone was so busy listening to him justifying what had gone wrong and talking about his motivations.

So give him some time and space and make sure he has someone to talk to too.

My marriage isn’t broken

In an affair you re write history to justify yourself

And my OM was very keen to point out any flaws in my h and to tell me I loved him like a mother he was a big baby etc

And I wanted to believe it because it justified (although of course no it didn’t) what I was doing

He had a friend at work who encouraged him to contact me and they used to discuss my h all the time. I called it the kangaroo court....

I never said mean things about his wife . I didn’t know her. And it was base and undignified

I do want to make things work with h but it is very hard when in throes of this withdrawal process

But in any case I needed to get out of what was a toxic affair

Also Re the counselling that’s all I meant there felt to be no balance

He had a friend at work who encouraged him to contact me and they used to discuss my h all the time. And neither of them actually know your husband? That is seriously weird.

He had a friend at work who encouraged him to contact me and they used to discuss my h all the time

That is seriously seriously horrible.

Yes it's horrible. WTF had anything to do with this friend? Imagine trying to ruin a stranger's life for the lolz.

My aunt was in your position .
First love turned up 21 years later. Her marriage was going through a shaky patch and she was vulnerable. Also had suffered abusive childhood.
For a moment she saw herself leaving her beloved husband and set up home with him. But only for a brief moment.
She realised he would only make her happy for a short time.
He was no good for her and that's why they had split up years before.
Like you she just wanted the attention from her husband.
It hurt but she knew it just a fantasy. ( the OM).
She said she felt that him still loving her somehow validated her. Made her feel she was 'good enough'

It took time , work and some CBT but she is really happy and secure now.
Ps. And the OM? He moved in with someone less than a year later and married a few years after that - he has tried to contact my aunt a few times - but she's not fooled anymore .
Good luck to you x

I don’t think it was for LOLZ exactly. I suppose she wanted him to be ‘happy’ and it also was about her and her own choices.

But yes it was horrible really the way they went on. He would often tell me things that she had said as a way of saying them himself

Actually the worst they were was after h found out about affair and he was so destroyed by it and just wanted me back. And he felt like he had no agency as he just wanted us to work so he just was gentle and quiet and loving as far as I would let him be. They used his silence as a sign of his awfulness. Said he was passive aggressive etc

I was sick with proper flu recently and h looked after me . And one night he brought me something to eat or drink and said ‘there you are darling’ and it broke my heart.

And OM said ‘ he knows it will make you feel guilty that’s why he’s doing it’.

But it wasn’t. It’s because he is kind. And loves me .

What was your response, when OM told you how they spoke about your husband? Weren't you appalled at the spitefulness of it?

And did you defend him? Because it's one thing to fancy yourself in love with another man's wife and something else to abuse and denigrate him, and to encourage others to do so. How could you not have despised the OM for it?

How very sad

Seems like the more you are away from OM, the more clearly you are able to see things. About him. Like his character. That he wanted the full disloyalty from you towards DH, not only betraying him with the affair but being party to people speaking badly of the man you chose to marry and have children with.

He sounds kind of sick. And unkind. And actually quite unpleasant. When you think of him discussing your DH like that with a third party, as well as to you, and in such an ugly spiteful manner...perhaps it makes it easier for you to stop giving so much mental attention to this person who has done harm and has tried to make a fool of your DH.

Your last post showed love and compassion towards your DH, more than before.

Distance from, in fact absence of OM is giving you clarity now. You are being emotionally honest with yourself, very brave

Yes I almost always defended my dh. Apart from when I was in a ‘justification’ phase but even then I would stop it. He used to get angry about my defence and say ‘mothers defend their children’ as this was part of his script about my marriage.

He sent me loads of links about passive aggressive people and made out I was some kind of victim. To be honest my h does have some of those tendencies but really they are quite mild and who amongst us is perfect.

The fact he was horrible about p and the way he treated his own wife were two of the biggest factors in my decision to end it. Plus the deep underlying proper healthy love for my h.

I was closing windows on my phone and came across a photo of him yesterday and I got the fear stab thing again which was very instructive.

One of the biggest things my h has done for me is to make me feel safe. Somebody asked if I can talk about my childhood with h and yes I can and have . Extensively when we were first together and in fact he helped me to get out of the toxic relationship I had with my mother and to see her as a person and to forgive her instead of seeking her love, which she can’t wholeheartedly give.

I never felt safe with om. I would often feel lonely when with him at night and eaten up with guilt and shame.

Somebody asked why i didnt despise him for it. Well i did in a way but he didnt do it at first. From the beginning I told him my h was a really nice and good person and i did not so I think he knew not to go there.

Once he did start doing it i was already far far into the fog so you ignore red flags. Although you can't completely and so yes it did make me look at the truth of him and not the idea i made up.

I had a lovely conversation with my h and we have been very physically affectionate. I feel like i want to hold onto him all the time. But i have to check as he might not want to.

He did cry and get very upset and i felt like an utter shit person. How could i have been so very cruel to somebody who i love. And who has done nothing to deserve this.

He has been asking me questions about OM and where we would go etc and i have answered him honestly as I can but some things i dont want to tell him as I think they wont help him. I have read conflicting advice about this.

I have had a very emotionally raw but lovely day. I have finally admitted to myself and dh the issue is largely me, my lack of love as a child and the damage this OM did me as first person I trusted.

Doesn’t mean things were perfect in my relationship but I made the choices. We will get through this . We are finding our kindness

Good to hear it Fuzzy.

That’s lovely to hear, Fuzzy

for you both. Keep going.

You are right not to tell him everything as it will just hurt him
Unnecessary.
Good luck to you both x

We are finding our kindness

^^ I think this will be the essence of the healing of your marriage. Treating each other with kindness and forgiveness during this period and allowing both of you to heal and reflect. When DH and I were 'finding our way back to each other' (with a good counselor's help) there were times when being determined to be kind to each other was the only way we got through some difficult conversations and soul searching.

Ah Fuzzy I'm so pleased you're getting there. The damage usually lays in childhood xx

So am I but it is really an awful time. The worst thing is that in order to deal with the awful cognitive dissonance I had from going against my core values I had to cut off empathy for my h and now it is all flooding in and back and I feel so awful for him.

I feel angry with OM. I know it was my fault and choices but he worked so hard on my vulnerability.

I never or rarely felt angry with h though OM tried to make me.