How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

What does LTB mean ?

Leave the bastard.

In other words your DH would be advised to leave you for your affair.

LTB is so black and white though and the easiest knee-jerk response.

It sounds like Fuzzy is doing what she can do to start coming back from the slightly love-crazed place she was in. If keeping the things until she can cope with the idea of binning them is what she needs to do then thats what she should do.

I dont actually care whether this is double standards or not, in the slightest, nor do I care whether other posters think they know what she should do as some kind of penance. I DO care that the OP maximises the chance of coming out of this in the best shape possible for rescuing her marriage, if thats what she wants to do.

Well said Storm.

Well he doesnt want to leave - though i could quite understand if he did. In fact the fact he didnt and was so enormously kind after the initial finding out and so devoted to our children was part of what helped me see i was heading down the wrong path.

I just had a sort of epiphany moment where i realised i am not sure i so much miss OM as 'it' - having somebody to share everything with and who is interested in me. i think that is what was missing from my marriage. Or how it felt even if it wasnt true.

Regardless of whether your marriage works out or not, your DH sounds like a wonderful man.

As for the epiphany, remember that when someone is love bombing you, they are obsessively showing interest and sharing everything to win you over. It's far more OTT than it ever would be in a normal, healthy relationship. It's no wonder you started to question if your marriage was lacking - OM wasn't so much as planting that seed but shovelling it in.

My great fear is how I will feel about h in the long run....

Will I be able to get that feeling back of being married to him

I never stopped loving him but I am worried it is too maternal

Having faced up to it my job IS a problem. Not so much the money but the fact I am driven and he is not.

However whatever the outcome OM is not the solution

I saw my counsellor last night and he said I seemed much lighter and more relaxed as if a weight had been lifted

He also said that OM and h are very extreme characters and like opposites of each other and that they answer different needs in me.

But h did answer all my needs albeit a long time ago.

My dear friend said it is very early days and to take it one day at a time

Get yourself on survivinginfidelity (wayward side) the advice may be a little brutal at times (it'll be true and relevant) but if you want to save your marriage they'll give you the best advice on how to do that.

Your counsellor is right, the OM fulfilled a need you have which your DH hasn’t filled (for a while, or never)

Your needs don’t go away. They need addressing.

People don’t change that much, your DH will probably always have a lower sex drive than you. He will not change into a romantic who tells you what we all need to hear from time to time to keep a connection going with our busy lives shredding any hint of romance.

The OM jumped right in with his ‘one true love’ story. He probably sensed what’s missing in your relationship.

The problem is, it is not enough, you need steady, reliable, boringly predictable as well, it is also a need.

I don’t have answers for you but I know what it is like to live with a man who doesn’t do emotions.
It takes a lot of self care and being aware of your needs, straight talking and effort.
Therapy is a good idea.
All the best.

Thank you for sending me to that site.

It is good and helpful.

I love my husband.

I need to totally remove all the triggers i can.

I have hurt him so much.

My h did used to be romantic and caring and made me feel loved but it went.

This is such a rollercoaster of emotions.

I have been so horrible.

I am ashamed.

I wish I could undo this but I can't.

I am definitely going to get rid of everything he gave me.

I feel sick and find it hard to concentrate on anything

Fuzzy, you sound so very sad. As you said, you can't undo it. What you can do is be kind to yourself.

I know you think that you are this horrible human being, I'll bet you're not. Pp said that this happened for a reason - you not getting your needs met. You will get over it. It just takes time. xx

I have just thrown away cards and keys (nothing to identify them) and other small gifts

It did make a difference

Well done

I got a friend to help me.

I also took off the watch he gave me and have been deleting some emails. I dont have many left in all honesty. Some of them are actualyl useful to look at now in a different light though - to look at the manipulation.

I have realised that somewhere deep in my psyche i have upheld this relationship that i had in my youth as some sort of idealised vision and had an idealised vision of OM too - I still have old letters from that time in my life. I need to get rid of all of those too.

You're taking big steps forward, OP. As Guardsman says, just be kind to yourself. You wouldn't have been sucked into the affair if you weren't feeling vulnerable and unhappy at home.

Wow, Fuzzy I'm impressed - you are really taking on board the advice! Good on you. And all best wishes for the future.

Well done!

I have a friend who was in your situation, she had an affair and her husband didn‘t leave her. 3 years on they are happy again.
She still feels guilty, I don‘t think that goes away easily if you have a conscience.
Self compassion is always good, it leads to self awareness, and then you will know what you need and can do something about getting it without wrecking your life.

I am very grateful to the help i have received here.

I am in a terrible situation and i really regret what i have done.

But i also know that there were reasons for it.

Thank god i maintianed somewhere inside some vestiges of integrity.

I feel sorry for an guilty about OM. I know they were his choices, but they were choices he felt driven to make,

He is not a monster. Nobody really is . We are all just doing our best with what we have.

He is a selfish and narcissistic human being . But he didnt choose to be that person.

I think the fact that i had such an awful awful childhood (physically, mentally and sexually abusive) means i let people off too much. And also i dont treat myself with the respect i deserve.

I thought i had resolved this stuff. But perhaps I havent...

Also i would like to say to some people that they should be careful what they post and think about their motives.

Some people were so mean to and about me icould have just fled.

And then what would have been the outcome.....

A broken marriage and two traumatised chidlren

i would just like people to think before they post

I have behaved horribly

I am not horrible

Few of us are one thing or another

Good people can do bad things.

Yes, I think people with such childhoods have a different way of relating to people, all their lives.
Someone coming along telling you you are the one feeds a very deep seated dream of being someone special.
You were easy prey.
Don‘t feel sorry for him, we all are responsible for our own choices.

Are you talking about your childhood with your counsellor?
If you think there is unresolved stuff, focus on yourself. Then you won‘t need someone else to feel good.

Ime of a horrible childhood it's the relationships that have been carved out over time that have been the most healing and settling for me.

I do think though that once broken always broken in a way. I think you can go on to have an enjoyable and worthwhile life but there will always be that core wound. I've had acres of therapy which ultimately didn't touch it. The only thing I can say is there may be an ability to come alongside those who are suffering.

Ime of a narc ex I had to demonise him to get some distance, to save myself. He's dead now, died young, but I still can't be too compassionate towards him. I fear your compassion for OM leaves you vulnerable.

Well done for those steps you've taken, good to hear some of it lightened the load. Treat yourself as well as you can. You've had some wonderful thoughtful and compassionate advice on here, and you need to treat yourself with compassion too.

I think you may be right Springydaffs. Any time I think about him on his own crying I feel awful.

But if I can remember how he pursued me and worked hard against my vulnerabilities then I am stronger

I do not feel tempted to contact him though because I feel it would be cruel to him

So in a way the compassion helps if you see what I mean

OM hasnt contacted me since Sunday am when I sent him a 'i can't do this please dont contact me' email.

I know i am stupid but now I am worried whether he is OK or not.....

I need to stop thinking about him