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Original poster

Red Flag - New Partner??

94 replies

cookintheevening · 14/02/2018 21:14

I have been dating a new man, we have lots in common and get on really well. There is that real spark between us.

The thing is he has previously been single for 6 years mainly due to his career chasing. He is now in his mid thirties and has reached his goals. The thing is he has confessed while he was single he used escorts on a couple of occasions, to let of steam and to explore some BDSM kinks which he says he wanted to try but does not actually like it.

He as also confessed to having a collection of male sex toys, something called a fleshlight.

I am not bothered by the sex toy, hey I have a vibe, but the use of a sex worker worries me, yes he was single so not cheating, but it does not sit quite right with me. What opinions do you have?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 14/02/2018 21:39

Does he mean a escort or a prostitute?

Original poster
cookintheevening · 14/02/2018 21:42

They are one of the same in my book, he paid for sex which he has been honest and open with me.

OP posts:
BrandNewHouse · 14/02/2018 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tablesturned · 14/02/2018 21:43

Why has he told you?

Original poster
cookintheevening · 14/02/2018 21:47

we were talking about former partners and sexual history, I think it just slipped out, he was honest after that point, but I am not sure how to take it.He was single, but the thought that he has paid someone to act out his fantasy just does not sit well and the fact that he could just mentally hook up with someone and be doing the deed almost the moment they met.

OP posts:
MsAwesomeDragon · 14/02/2018 21:48

I wouldn't develop a relationship with someone who has had sex with a prostitute. Because he has no idea what circumstances led her to be there, she may have been trafficked, groomed or otherwise coerced to be there and he didn't care as long as she allowed him to have sex.

It's not about him being unfaithful or not, it's about him seeing some women as sex toys, who can be bought for his pleasure. This is not an ethical man.

BackInTheRoom · 14/02/2018 21:51

Men think differently about sex than women. I wouldn't be whooping for joy at this tbh but nothing surprises me anymore. Hmm. I suppose it comes down to can YOU live with it?

caringdenise009 · 14/02/2018 21:59

I could not have a relationship with someone who paid for sex. I just can't understand how anyone could do that. You are paying to use someone who despises you for doing it, and deep down you know it, or else you're really thick.

laudanum · 14/02/2018 22:20

It depends on your personal views on sexwork.

If someone is single, I don't see why they shouldn't hire a sexworker to help them blow of steam, so to speak. As long as everyone is safe, clean, and it's between consenting adults, I don't see a problem.

Ask yourself this, if you were together long term, which one would you be more put off by: He cheated on you with someone who wasn't a sexworker, or he hired and cheated on you with a sexworker?

Honestly, sexworkers are some of the sexually healthy people on the face of the planet. They get tested monthly, sometimes more if they an accident has happened and they need to make sure things are okay.

Single men often seek out full service sexworkers because they want sexual interaction, but don't have time for a relationship. They also don't want to go and seek casual sex with someone they might not know very well, because people aren't always honest about sexual history on random hook-ups, this applies to either party. They might want something specific and want someone with a decent amount of experience in that area, which is completely okay, especially with someone you know is going to be safe. People can find out if someone is legit and safe going from any previous feedback a sexworker might have on their service page.

He seems to have been honest with you about everything which is actually the opposite of a red flag to me, because getting blokes to be honest about their previous sexlives can be an absolute nightmare. Perhaps you need to tell him the fact that he paid for sex bothers you, because if it turns out to be a dealbreaker for you, it's better to say that sooner rather than later.

laudanum · 14/02/2018 22:21

An escort and a prostitute are the same job under different labels.

YNK · 14/02/2018 22:28

Can you accept he used a woman as a commodity to explore his sexuality?

laudanum · 14/02/2018 22:31

@YNK can you accept that sexworkers can and do have total bodily autonomy to work in the adult industry, and are not 'used' against their will?

caringdenise009 · 15/02/2018 00:06

Laudanum. Men have sex with prostitutes because they are too lazy to bother with a woman's feelings. They get to rent a body and they don't care that the woman despises them.

caringdenise009 · 15/02/2018 00:09

I've known prostitutes and heard their stories. They hate every single punter,even the kinky ones who supply the best anecdotes

Somerville · 15/02/2018 00:11

Ugh. I wouldn't have sex with someone who'd bought a body like that. And I wouldn't want them in my children's lives.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/02/2018 00:20

What's a flesh torch I'm not googling

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/02/2018 00:23

Ok I googled. The sex toy is the least of your worries

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/02/2018 00:24

Red flag?! Bunting city right there OP.

dirtybadger · 15/02/2018 00:26

Just a tubular thing you wank into (Fleshlight)

And whilst not all sex workers hate their work and are vulnerable- the vast majority are.

I wouldnt entertain being with someone who had been with a sex worker. Of any sort. There are routes to explore BDSM without using sex workers. You have to draw your own lines though.

stitchglitched · 15/02/2018 00:29

I would dump anyone who thought that women were commodities and consent could be bought.

OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 00:30

While I respect a person's right to sell sex if they want to I think that people who buy it are a bit gross/must have some serious self esteem issues/both. This would put me right off. Does it put you off?

LuluBellaBlue · 15/02/2018 00:41

Actually I think it’s amazing that he’s been so refreshingly honest with you! That would be really important for me as sadly so many people can’t ever be truly honest.

I think it would totally depend on what his view is now and how long ago it happened. Has his thoughts are using Escorts changed?
I can’t say I haven’t done things that I’m ashamed of or regret but equally know they made me who I am and that was part of me exploring my identity. Therefore who would I be to judge someone else iyswim?

GottadoitGottadoit · 15/02/2018 00:53

I would raise an eyebrow, but wouldn’t finish with him cos of this.

IfNot · 15/02/2018 01:03

I've known prostitutes and heard their stories. They hate every single punter,even the kinky ones who supply the best anecdotes
Yup. Me too. Seconded.
If this is real..run OP, run.

Jellyheadbang · 15/02/2018 01:06

I am pretty liberal sexually and I think most things are ok between consenting partners.
I once found evidence that an ex was likely to have used sex workers. He painted himself as ethical and voiced feminist views. I despised him after I found out.
I would never knowingly stay with someone who has that little regard for fellow humans.
There’s enough people around to do these things with for free, no end of sex hook up sites where you can match up with folks willing to try your various kinks.
There’s no excuse. See the current oxfam furore , it’s dirty and underhanded no matter how people dress it up or what excuse they use.