Red Flag - New Partner??

[cookintheevening]

I have been dating a new man, we have lots in common and get on really well. There is that real spark between us.

The thing is he has previously been single for 6 years mainly due to his career chasing. He is now in his mid thirties and has reached his goals. The thing is he has confessed while he was single he used escorts on a couple of occasions, to let of steam and to explore some BDSM kinks which he says he wanted to try but does not actually like it.

He as also confessed to having a collection of male sex toys, something called a fleshlight.

I am not bothered by the sex toy, hey I have a vibe, but the use of a sex worker worries me, yes he was single so not cheating, but it does not sit quite right with me. What opinions do you have?

Some women really do choose to become sex workers it does happen. And it's very rude to state that these women shouldn't have children or are in some way bad parents because of this. There is a difference between a woman doing it to fund a habit, being pimped out etc and some escorts who are actually educated women who have looked at it rationally and decided they are willing to do sex work, they tend to call themselves escorts rather than prostitutes.
As for the OP only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Personally it wouldn't sit well with me but it does depend on how he sees it now I suppose.
Sex work is a complicated topic and stating they are all abused and raped is not going to help anyone in the long run.

Stitch - the irony had me laughing.

@NotTheFordType Property ladder? What on earth are you talking about?!?!?! Are you on glue?!

What in earth are you on about where you judge the women who sell sex but not the men who buy them?

Sadly I think that judging the women not the men is all too common.

I don't believe he tried BDSM and didn't like it. I think he liked it but doesn't want to scare you off.

Beware of getting any deeper with him and him giving you the 'can we just try...' if you aren't into kink.

@MotherofaSurvivor

The "property ladder" is a commonly-used phrase to mean the buying of successively larger and more expensive properties.

In recent years the initial deposit required for a property is far beyond the means of those earning an average wage, so it's become common for parents to help their children onto the property ladder by way of a large sum of money gifted specifically for a deposit.

Sorry if I used an expression with which you were unfamiliar.

I think the worst thing here is the judging of the women not the men who pay for sex. How do you expect women to ask for help to get out of sex work if you act like they are all dirty horrible women who don't deserve kids etc. Until we stop blaming the women I don't see how sex work will ever change.

I'm sure there are women you choose to be a sex worker; but how do you know if the sex workers he used choose this line of work freely or was being coerced?

That would always be my question.

Well you don't obviously know for sure but I really dont see how vilifying the women helps in any scenario.
A woman has come on here and stated that she chooses to be a sex worker, we don't know if this is true because we have no idea who she is etc however being told that people feel sorry for her kids etc wouldn't exactly push her to get help if she was been coerced.
Sex work is complex, more complex than prostitution=bad. The problem with sex work in this country is prostitutes are talked about like the dregs of society making it much more difficult for them to seek out help due to shame etc. Until we stop judging prostitutes I can't see anything changing.

Mhhh that’s quite addictive how do you know he’s completely stopped?? Also have you gone with him for sti/hiv tests?

How come Ive never heard of mumsnet before - this is place a minefield of info and help.

Im no agony aunt - but he has been honest with you, better now than 2 years later. A man has paid money to ease stress - no problem - he was single at the time.

I always think who is Fk'ing who here, he may have be fk'ing her - but she is sh@gging his bank balance.

I wouldnt run a mile - I would just see how it goes for a bit - without sex etc - God Im sounding like my grandmother now - so I'll leave it there

I'd lose attraction for a man who used prostitutes tbh. Nothing to do with them being exploited...as I don't believe they all are.

I just find the whole paying for it doesnt align with me personally.

What if you sleep with a man, after he has just paid for dinner, or have sex with him after he surprises you with a new car ? - pedantic I know - and get what you say, I just wonder how many other men out there have 'paid' for sex in this way.

The truth is - unless we have met the man in question - nobody gets a real feel for what he is like.

Not one but THREE massive red flags

1 - paying for sex - coerced consent is NOT consent. He is a rapist who views women as a commodity. Even for just "normal" casual hook-ups there are loads of sites/apps to facilitate that which don't entail paying for sex.

2 - the excuse that it was to explore bdsm fantasies - bull! There are tons of sites and outlets for this easily found. I suspect with my own knowledge of bdsm that he wanted to be violent during sex without boundaries - that is EXTREMELY worrying.

3 - no relationship for several years because of "career" - don't believe that. Plenty of very successful ambitious people also manage relationships

I'm very sexually liberal, I've had several fb/fwb, ons, threesomes etc - I'd have dumped and blocked as soon as he said it. Wouldn't see me for dust!

"If he’s telling you about prostitutes in the early days, just imagine what he’s hiding." Excellent point, this is what he IS willing to tell you, what ISN'T he telling you? I dread to think

"Unless he physically forced himself on her" you need to educate yourself on rape - not all rape requires physical force.

I agree with Stitch etc.

Not all sex workers are vulnerable or forced BUT HE WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN AND HE DIDN'T CARE. He did it anyway..Plus you'll never know what the full extent of it is. He may be testing the water and seeing how it goes with you, before revealing more...

She's not "fucking his bank balance" if she is bring coerced to see clients, for example, to pay off a debt for being transported to the UK.

All that aside, OP the bottom line is, in terms of your relationship, if you feel that it's not a relationship you wish to continue to pursue then you don't have to. Do you see a future with him? If you want children, do you think he's someone you want to raise children with? It doesn't matter if others would, or would not. It's your choice.

The issue I’d have here is how he is able to compartmentalise his life. Busy at work, can’t have a relationship, pays for sex. It doesn’t sit well with me what happens next time he’s rewlly busy or you are?

Obviously sex to him is a commodity you can buy and not necessarily between two adults who meet, it can be bought.

I couldn’t be with a man like that. It’s personal preference.

The arguments for or against this being a deal breaker could go on for days of course but it'd turn me off. does it turn you off?
Get turned off by whatever is not right for you.

Icky and yuk is my response.

Why get involved with someone involved in all that crap.

IMO they'll be even more crap coming your way if you have any kind of relationship with him. I suspect not just sex, sexual deviancy is only half the story, but who wants to share even that? He wants to "initiate" - or even corrupt you into (what sounds like) his nightmare world. You really don't have to go there OP, you don't even have to listen to this total bollox. There's enough pain in the world without co-creating it with such a damaged person.

Run.