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Original poster

Red Flag - New Partner??

94 replies

cookintheevening · 14/02/2018 21:14

I have been dating a new man, we have lots in common and get on really well. There is that real spark between us.

The thing is he has previously been single for 6 years mainly due to his career chasing. He is now in his mid thirties and has reached his goals. The thing is he has confessed while he was single he used escorts on a couple of occasions, to let of steam and to explore some BDSM kinks which he says he wanted to try but does not actually like it.

He as also confessed to having a collection of male sex toys, something called a fleshlight.

I am not bothered by the sex toy, hey I have a vibe, but the use of a sex worker worries me, yes he was single so not cheating, but it does not sit quite right with me. What opinions do you have?

OP posts:
ohfortuna · 15/02/2018 01:07

IMO he's not being honest, he's given you a highly edited version of things which (in his mind) puts him in a relatively good light and makes him look like an open trusting person.
The real story will be worse

ohfortuna · 15/02/2018 01:09

no end of sex hook up sites where you can match up with folks willing to try your various kinks
not really though
hook up sites where there are around 200 men for every one woman member, very hard for men to get no strings hook ups with women who they find attractive, thats why they end up paying for sex, escorts also use those sites to find clients of course

rosecouture · 15/02/2018 01:18

I'd give him a pass OP. The fleshlight isn't an issue and no different from using a vibrator imo. But I explored BDSM and various kinks throughout my 20s with consensual, willing partners - as others say, there are plenty of websites and social groups which offer ways of meeting people with like-minded interests.

I've also been with DH since my late 20s and he's built up a strong career so I don't really buy his argument about not being able to build a relationship due to career chasing. It just sounds like he couldn't be bothered, and has chosen various short-cuts because he doesn't value women's feelings.

The fact that he's used an escort in the past would also make me think he would be likely to use them again in future, if there's a stage in your relationship when you're not being intimate. If you ever hit a low patch in your relationship he will already know how easy it is to browse an adult work website and find another escort.

AltheaorDonna · 15/02/2018 01:24

I'd run like the wind. I'd judge like hell.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/02/2018 01:34

Whet bothers me the most op is that he has framed these disclosures in such a way that you are already questioning yourself over whet your potential reaction is. That's extremely manipulative and for me, quite scary.

laudanum · 15/02/2018 01:35

Folks who have spoken to a couple of sexworkers suddenly know how ALL of them feel.

Sure. Okay.

🙄

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/02/2018 01:39

Hi op

Playing devils advocate, him seeing a Mistress to experience some kink he had an interest in, does not mean he actually had sex with them.

A Dominatrix doesn't normally have sex with their clients, it's all about the fantasy
Psychological aspect, so gives them something to get off to at a later date.

I wonder if he went for some flogging and anal play on him, he said he didn't enjoy it after all. Putting aside the ethical aspects of sex workers, did he say he had actually sex with them? Also I suppose I admire his honesty

NotTheFordType · 15/02/2018 03:31

If men didnt purchase sex then I'd be out of a job.

Ask him. His needs in bed.
(honestly it's frequently "to be treated like my spunk isn't radioactive")

fluffyrobin · 15/02/2018 06:18

How can a woman ever dtd with a man who has previously paid for it without feeling he is now getting it for free and feeling really cheap?!

trojanpony · 15/02/2018 06:43

but it does not sit quite right with me
This is the important point.

Everyone is different but I would feel the exact same as you. So yes a red flag...

I struggled to articulate it but I’ll try.
If he couldn’t cope with his flashlight and needed a human touch a tinder ONS or similar is surely preferable to hiring a prostitute.
It’s a bit of a statement as to how he views women isn’t it? Would you want him as the father of your kids?
The “refreshing honesty” I’m on the fence about too. Maybe he is honest maybe he’s “telling you who he is”.

Were the “escorts” bdsm mistresses or regular prostitutes?

G120810 · 15/02/2018 06:49

I'm unsure he told you about it although I don't know why as u probably wouldn't have found out and yes we all have opinions on sex workers but he's not forcing anyone this is there job they may despise it but they receive money for it that's there job most of despise our job and get paid for it just because it's sex and yes I know postitutes as well most drug addicts then I'll flip it how could u sexually perform when most are on drugs which is dangerous for sexual health and if there only doing it for money and clearly don't enjoy it this would be a turn off ask him how he met these women

SleepFreeZone · 15/02/2018 06:54

I wouldn’t like it simply because now he’s used the service of a prostitute it would be very easy to slip back into those habits if things got difficult in the relationship. Say you had a child together and sex was off the table for a while, well that’s fine as he can just pay to ‘let off steam’ elsewhere, no questions asked

Nellia · 15/02/2018 07:03

I'd run like the wind and judge like hell
Yep that right there

DrMorbius · 15/02/2018 07:15

Why don't you ask him how he feels about sex workers now he is more mature? We have all done things we regret as young adults his mistake was being honest and mentioning it

YNK · 15/02/2018 16:10

Laudenam - the simple answer to your question is NO.

I do not accept the autonomy of sex workers, or that men who 'use' them believe this to be the case.

hth

UnimaginativeUsername · 15/02/2018 16:13

If he’s telling you about prostitutes in the early days, just imagine what he’s hiding.

You’re perfectly entitled to decide that this is a deal breaker for you.

Estellanpip · 15/02/2018 16:23

Oh god no. He sees objectifying women and using them as commodities as 'letting off some steam'. He doesn't respect women or see them as his equals. No.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/02/2018 16:25

If it doesn't sit right with you then that's it. Get out. People are entitled to have a past and kinks (within the law, that is). By what you've said he's been upfront about it so it's up to you to make of it what you will.
Personally I'd run like hell, but that's just me. You might be able to find a balance.

NotTheFordType · 15/02/2018 16:39

@YNK

Oh really? You feel that you should have control over my life?

How are you planning to pay me the 2k profit which I expect to earn from this current tour? (Obviously not the turnover, I wouldn't ask you to cover the 3k.)

What I find amusing is when anti-sex-work activists start ranting about "consent can't be conditional" but then are totally all over a case of a woman who agreed to sex with a condom and then the cunt removed it.

Estellanpip · 15/02/2018 17:34

NotThe would you have a relationship with a client, then?

Ritualunion · 15/02/2018 17:53

I would appreciate his honesty with you. Your reaction and actions from this honest disclosure depend on your own moral compass; this is personal to you. If it doesn’t sit right with you, then it just doesn’t. Otherwise if you think it’s ok then that’s ok. Everyone here will have their own opinion but what counts is how you feel.

YNK · 15/02/2018 18:42

NotThe,
nope I don't want control over your life (why would I?)

I have no intention of paying you for anything (why would I?)

Are those the sort of transactions that provide meaning for you, or define you?

NotTheFordType · 15/02/2018 19:18

YNK - You stated that I don't have autonomy - so who do you think should have control of me?

Estell - There are passing few humans who I'd consider getting into a relationship with. I already have DC so it's not like I "need" one. But if I was on the lookout for one, sure, especially since experiencing the very wide variety of guys and girls who pay for sex.

Estellanpip · 15/02/2018 20:29

Notthe, same. I just wondered whether you consider clients relationship material, since that is the question here.

Thebluedog · 15/02/2018 20:35

At least he’s been honest with you.

It’s up to you, if you find him using escorts/prostitutes and issue or not.

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