Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red Flag - New Partner??

94 replies

cookintheevening · 14/02/2018 21:14

I have been dating a new man, we have lots in common and get on really well. There is that real spark between us.

The thing is he has previously been single for 6 years mainly due to his career chasing. He is now in his mid thirties and has reached his goals. The thing is he has confessed while he was single he used escorts on a couple of occasions, to let of steam and to explore some BDSM kinks which he says he wanted to try but does not actually like it.

He as also confessed to having a collection of male sex toys, something called a fleshlight.

I am not bothered by the sex toy, hey I have a vibe, but the use of a sex worker worries me, yes he was single so not cheating, but it does not sit quite right with me. What opinions do you have?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 15/02/2018 20:35

Why don't you ask him how he feels about sex workers now he is more mature? We have all done things we regret as young adults

Wise words. Smile

Cynara · 15/02/2018 20:37

To be totally honest, to me, he's a rapist. He bought the consent of a woman whose body he rented to wank into, with no regard for her as a person. If I were you I'd get rid and find a decent man who values people over the whims of his cock.

userxx · 15/02/2018 20:44

I'd hardly call a paying client a rapist!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/02/2018 20:50

Actually I'm with cynara

Liara · 15/02/2018 20:56

I don't think that a prostitute and an escort are the same, any more than a beautician and a nail bar slave are.

Personally I don't have an in principle problem with sex work, I have known some people involved in the sex industry and by no means are they all suffering victims. However, due to the enormous risk involved in terms of trafficking women and sex slavery, I cannot condone the sex industry as a whole.

Women who call men who use sex workers to make themselves feel better rapists will often think nothing of buying a dress to make themselves feel better which is likely to have been made by a slave.

I fail to see the difference. In fact at least in the case of the sex worker you have some chance of seeing the conditions she is working in.

luckiestgirl · 15/02/2018 20:58

It wouldn’t bother me. And I like his honesty.

expatinscotland · 15/02/2018 20:59

Yuk. I'd have to dump.

UnimaginativeUsername · 15/02/2018 21:00

He may be using the term escort as a euphemism for prostitute, since he’s presumably trying to impress the woman he’s seeing.

Either way, the OP is absolutely entitled to not want a relationship with the guy because he had used prostitutes. I wouldn’t either.

Research on what punters think about sex workers (and women in general) makes grim reading.

Joysmum · 15/02/2018 21:06

I disagree with cynara

Some women don’t have a choice, others do and choose to do something I wouldn’t but that doesn’t mean they haven’t made a choice. It certainly doesn’t mean they have raped a woman who has made that choice and the assertion it is rape is degrading to rape victims Angry

YNK · 15/02/2018 21:07

NotThe - I don't know you.
I've never met you or mentioned you.

I've no idea why you think I'm talking about you.

FluffyFerrets · 15/02/2018 21:13

oh ffs it does not make him a rapist. Unless he physically forced himself on her which is highly unlikely. What a crazy thing to say.
Not all sex workers hate their job. Some are not forced into it, nor trafficked.
OP - I think because it doesn't sit right with you (it wouldn't with me too) then he's not the right one.

stitchglitched · 15/02/2018 21:18

The point is that the man paying for sex has no idea how valid the consent is. He doesn't know if she has been trafficked, coerced by an abusive partner, gritting her teeth because she is desperate for money. The fact that some women choose to do it doesn't change the fact that a man is potentially raping someone when he pays for sex, how does he know who is and isn't making a free choice?

DropItLikeASquat · 15/02/2018 21:23

I found out retrospectively that my ex had been with a sex worker, not paid for her but was dating her while she was a sex worker. He had never been for a STI checkup. I have to admit it left a very bitter taste in my mouth especially as I was pregnant with our first child and after that weekend I went and made us both get tested.
We both came back clear thankfully.
At least your guy was honest but this would totally be a no go for me.

HelenaDove · 15/02/2018 22:23

"Women who call men who use sex workers to make themselves feel better rapists will often think nothing of buying a dress to make themselves feel better which is likely to have been made by a slave"

Women on low incomes are unlikely to be able to afford People Tree. You need to do some reading up on the cycle of poverty.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/02/2018 22:33

If it doesn’t sit right with you, then that is enough reason to end things. I don’t think what he has done is bad and women do choose to work in that industry. For what it’s worth, I’d find it off putting too but it depends how you feel when with him, it may be something you can get past and it may not be.

funkyfunky · 15/02/2018 22:33

An ex of mine told me he paid the equivalent of £8 for a prostitute in Thailand. It played on my mind for the rest of the relationship... it's one thing if it's a professional "escort" charging £££ and choosing her clients, but no one wants to sell their body for £8.

HelenaDove · 15/02/2018 22:52

Men using sex workers.

Ooh look over there...........there is a working class woman shopping at Peacocks. Hmm

mellicauli · 15/02/2018 22:57

I know a lot of very career focussed men. They all manage to find numerous girlfriends and wives in their 20s and 30s. Bankers, lawyers, doctors - all working 50+ hours a week in demanding jobs. So I don't buy this "too busy" thing. Too busy to spend an hour having fun talking to a pretty girl or having a nice meal. Because it would jeopardise your promotion or stop you earning an extra £500 from your business. Really??

My guess is at this stage "a couple of times" is actually several times a week. And my guess is he loves that BDSM thing and is testing your reaction. And I think he is not that bothered about the emotional side of a relationship, just the physical. You might want to ask yourself why he is looking for a relationship now and whether he can really commit to a relationship or is just faking it to reach his next goal.( wife and kids)

Yeah..run..

MotherofaSurvivor · 16/02/2018 01:25

To be fair, it's not really any of our business what he did before you met or your place to comment? You sound controlling?

MotherofaSurvivor · 16/02/2018 01:31

@NotTheFordType You're a prostitute and you have children? 😧🤦🏼‍♀️

Poor kids. Poor, poor kids

NotTheFordType · 16/02/2018 04:07

@MotherofaSurvivor

My son's welfare and ability to get on the property ladder are a lot more important to me than your pearl clutching.

He isn't wild about my choice of profession, mainly because of fear of judgemental attitudes like yours, but he accepts that this is my choice, even if he personally wouldn't want to do it.

Nellia · 16/02/2018 06:28

MotherofaSurvivor
"You sound controlling"
How exactly, thats like saying you found out your current partner has an sti but it not your business because it happened before you met him......

QuackPorridgeBacon · 16/02/2018 08:33

MotherofaSurvivor So you wontjudge him but you will judge someone who works as a prostitute? If it’s their choice I don’t see an issue and more power to them I say.

stitchglitched · 16/02/2018 08:40

I don't agree with prostitution in any way, but MotherofaSurvivor your 2 posts one after the other make you look like an absolute hypocrite.

Tablesturned · 16/02/2018 08:55

He was using escorts while he was single and he was single for six years. I think the fact he was so open about it could suggest that he has normalised it and didn’t think you would be shocked or offended.

I experienced this with a guy I met recently and found it very offputting when he said that if I couldn’t celebrate his birthday with him, he would book a prostitute. I said, you’re not joking are you? He backtracked and said he was but I know he wasn’t and chose to never see him again. It made me think of a few things he had said and although he was an intelligent professional guy he obviously had a seedy side which he thought was completely normal.

I’ve since seen him on a dating site (not how I met him) saying that he thinks he would make a wonderful boyfriend Confused.