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Original poster

Pregnant - should i tell him?

83 replies

toffeeapple123 · 13/02/2018 19:58

Found out this morning I'm pregnant. Total shock.

I immediately booked myself a termination and told my best friends as well as my mother. All support my decision.

I am not at the right stage - even though I have a good job, good career prospects, my own place etc, I am not in a loving long term relationship.

In fact, the guy doesn't have a job yet, is still applying (is incredibly smart - he will get a good positon eventually), has no money, relies on his parents etc.

We met on online dating, and the beginning was rocky - he didn't want anything serious etc. But a month ago, I threatened to walk, and said we should try to date properly because it was clear we both liked each other. Since then, he has been stepping up and spending a lot of time with me, planning trips, cooking meals, doing my shopping etc. But it's only been 4-5 weeks max. We don't talk about our feelings and we haven't planned anything for v-day tomorrow.

I guess I am looking for thoughts on whether or not I should tell him.
Intitally I thought no...but now I feel weird for telling several people and not him. Not sure what could be gained by telling him, though. He's not in the right stage to have a baby and he may well just run after finding out.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 20:06

Probably get flamed for saying but no I wouldn't.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/02/2018 20:09

I don’t think I would either tbh. Would it change your mind if he wanted to keep the baby? If not, not much point telling him.

Confused24 · 13/02/2018 20:10

I would because i wouldn’t want it to eat away at me years down the line if a relationship did flourish. I would make it clear I was going to terminate though and explain to him my reasoning

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 13/02/2018 20:16

Depends if you see the relationship going anywhere really. If you don't then say nothing-if it does develop into a good long term thing then it's a pretty big decision to have kept from him.

TinDogTavern · 13/02/2018 20:30

I wouldn't. I've been in your situation, I terminated the pregnancy and I didn't tell him. No regrets.

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 20:35

I really don't want to offend you but you've recently met and are having unprotected sex? Doesn't this worry you?

Huntinginthedark · 13/02/2018 20:43

If you think there is a future with or without this child then I think telling him is the best idea
It will eat you up if you don’t

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 13/02/2018 20:45

I echo @confused24 and @bibbidee

Huntinginthedark · 13/02/2018 20:45

I mean a future with him!

LokiBear · 13/02/2018 20:57

If you're 100% sure that you are terminating the pregnancy then no I wouldn't. (No judgement re the termination, I am very much pro-choice, but you need to be sure it is the right decision for you.) My reason is because if terminating the pregnancy is absolutely what you are doing, then he doesn't get a say. It is your body. If he doesn't get a say, he doesn't need to know. There is absolutely nothing he can do about it, so why cause either of you any further stress? Make sure you have the support you need around you and look after yourself.

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 21:00

Where does the say it was unprotected? I know someone who got pregnant on the coil and several people who got pregnant on the pill.

TinDogTavern · 13/02/2018 21:07

Good post LokiBear

Honestly, Bibbidee is that in any way helpful? But yeah, feel free to wade in and judge someone in a vulnerable situation without knowing all the facts. Eesh.

Huntinginthedark · 13/02/2018 21:15

@LokiBear
I totally agree he has no say it’s her choice
It’s not about the decision itself but how the op will deal with that kind of omission of truth if the relationship becomes long term

If she is fine with it then keep it to yourself, if you don’t think you’ll be fine with it (I mean not telling him) and you think it might come up in the future then I don’t think it’s sensible to not tell him for your sake, nothing to do with him

SendintheArdwolves · 13/02/2018 21:15

I think you should tell him, unless you have reason to think he will harm you/try to stop you/retaliate in some way - ie: unless he is abusive and you are scared of him.

My reasons for this are that more men need to realise why contraception is important and that abortion needs to be free, safe and readily available. If more men knew how close they had come to fatherhood they might be a bit less judgey about abortion and a bit more engaged in making sure that it remains available. Also, why should you have to go through this alone - he is half responsible for the pregnancy. Why should you have to take the consequences without him even being aware of them?

This is one of the realities of sex - why protect him from it?

Sadhairdaytoday · 13/02/2018 21:19

If you see the relationship as being a long term thing then you might want to think carefully. If you end up marrying you may feel some guilt that you never discussed it with him. (Not guilt for having a termination I might add).

If you don't see a future together then I think it would be wise to not tell him.

ReggaetonLente · 13/02/2018 21:24

My friend was in your situation and didn’t tell the bloke. They stayed together and became more serious, she ended up telling him about it, they moved past it.

She ended up marrying him and she says it is something she rarely thinks about nowadays. They are TTC at the moment and excited for the future. She does not regret not telling him in those early days - it wasn’t what felt right at the time.

SandyY2K · 13/02/2018 21:47

I wouldn't say anything. You hardly really know him.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 13/02/2018 21:54

Thank you all for your replies.

I should add that I've known for him around 4 months but we've only been seriously dating 4-5 weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 13/02/2018 21:56

And for those saying I shouldn't tell him - why not? Other than I don't know him well enough/

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/02/2018 22:11

I wouldn't tell him because I don't see the point when you've no intention of keeping it.

Unless you want him to support you emotionally or financially with the termination.

The only thing is if this develops into a long term I.e. marriage...you might feel it's too big a secret to keep.

I don't know what the chances are considering you had to ask him to step up. Guys who are interested don't usually need a nudge.

Haffiana · 13/02/2018 22:16

Do you secretly want him to persuade you to keep it, OP? If he begged you, said he wanted a relationship and the child, would you change your mind?

It seems to me that you want him to decide whether you should terminate.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 13/02/2018 22:19

Haffiana Absolutely not. I've made up my mind. I guess I would want to tell him for emotional support and it feels odd not telling him.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 13/02/2018 22:21

I don't see why you shouldn't tell him.

This is his "mistake" (apologies if that sounds unkind) and his situation to deal with as well as yours. Why should you shield him from it? Why shouldn't he deal with the realities and worries caused by contraception failure as well as you?

(I wouldn't tell him, though, if you think he may try to put pressure on you to keep the baby.)

Koala72 · 13/02/2018 22:26

Erm, ok. I'm not going to modify the degree to which I say exactly what I think because of what others might say about me. So:

Although as a woman we (happen to be so lucky as to) carry the baby, it is not just our baby. Two people make the baby.

As a woman three times pregnant, I know that the only decent thing is to respect the fact that the father also was totally as much involved in making the baby as me. One person has to carry it - that happens to be me. But that doesn't make the baby any more mine that his - it is ours. In fact, it gives me the extra responsibility of respecting his role, given that mine is so much more tangible physically.

This child, this life, this physical expression of the two of you, is as much his as yours. It would be indescribably wrong of you not to tell him, just because you can not tell him.

It is so common that babies are made in the first few weeks or months - that's the whole biological point of attraction. Are you sure you know what you're giving away, and that you're ok to do that?

BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 22:30

@TinDogTavern

It's called my opinion. 👍

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