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Original poster

Pregnant - should i tell him?

83 replies

toffeeapple123 · 13/02/2018 19:58

Found out this morning I'm pregnant. Total shock.

I immediately booked myself a termination and told my best friends as well as my mother. All support my decision.

I am not at the right stage - even though I have a good job, good career prospects, my own place etc, I am not in a loving long term relationship.

In fact, the guy doesn't have a job yet, is still applying (is incredibly smart - he will get a good positon eventually), has no money, relies on his parents etc.

We met on online dating, and the beginning was rocky - he didn't want anything serious etc. But a month ago, I threatened to walk, and said we should try to date properly because it was clear we both liked each other. Since then, he has been stepping up and spending a lot of time with me, planning trips, cooking meals, doing my shopping etc. But it's only been 4-5 weeks max. We don't talk about our feelings and we haven't planned anything for v-day tomorrow.

I guess I am looking for thoughts on whether or not I should tell him.
Intitally I thought no...but now I feel weird for telling several people and not him. Not sure what could be gained by telling him, though. He's not in the right stage to have a baby and he may well just run after finding out.

What do you guys think?

OP posts:

Chloe421 · 15/02/2018 14:07

If you have feelings for him and think there may be a possibility that the relationship could grow personally I think I would want to tell him. This is because his reaction would be a valuable insight into how he deals with 'unforseen' life events and if he steps up and meets your needs in regards to respecting your decision and offering support. I also feel he had a part in creating the situation and therefore is entitled to be made aware of it occurring. If however it was a purely casual relationship with no potential to evolve I would not tell him and deal with it myself.

Chippyway · 15/02/2018 14:59

He has the right To know

Imagine if a guy came on here asking if he should tell his girlfriend something that had as much to do with her as it did him. He would get flamed for even thinking of not telling him!

elisenbrunnen · 15/02/2018 15:37

He might have the Right to Know, but he doesn't have any rights to the unborn potential child further than that. I'd tell him, probably after the event.

Personally, I am sick of being encouraging and being so blasé about abortions like its taking antibiotics. - when it's your body, you get to pass judgement.

But this thread is not about anti- or -pro abortion.

LokiBear · 15/02/2018 17:55

I had a male friend in this exact situation. The girl he was seeing told him about the pregnancy and planned abortion and hecwas utterly bereft and devastated. He begged her not to go through with it and spent days crying about it. I really felt sorry for him and also for her. But, the truth is it was her body and her choice. In your situation, op, I'd spare his feelings and do what you feel is right for you. Abortion isn't a walk in the park, you do not need to feel like you need to coach him through it too.

YearOfYouRemember · 15/02/2018 18:19

You can't not tell him because he'll potentially leave you !

I think you should tell him. Ultimately you have the final say so it's the least you can do.

Joysmum · 15/02/2018 19:13

How would you feel if he said he loved you and saw your future together and begged you to keep the baby?

How would you feel if this relationship looked like it had legs but he found out and he then never felt he could trust you.

Koala72 · 15/02/2018 20:31

when it's your body, you get to pass judgement.

Oh for God's sake - please let's stop this Emperor's New Clothes nonsense. When you are pregnant, you have someone else's body growing inside you. When they're grown enough, they come out. Your body is always separate from the new body (which is why the new body can be extracted before it's ready ...).

And the new body also belongs to the dad. And it's wrong not to tell him that you're not in agreement with carrying the new body until it is ready to survive outside of you.

You should at least tell him. If you don't, you will be behaving badly. Always best to behave well.

Koala72 · 15/02/2018 20:32

He might have the Right to Know, but he doesn't have any rights to the unborn potential child further than that. I'd tell him, probably after the event.

Please never approach my son. He's above the age of consent.

And just for the record - although I am female, I do not in any way ally myself with the views expressed by female above.

Lovemusic33 · 15/02/2018 21:21

I wouldn’t tell him either, you haven’t been seeing each other very long, there’s a high chance things won’t work out with him anyway, I’m guessing your not far gone? I would just go and get a termination, you know that this is what you want and I think it’s the right choice in the long run given the circumstances.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/02/2018 21:23

@huntinginthedark

**13/02/2018 22:54 Huntinginthedark

Myheartbelongsto
I actually said she should tell him**

Erm no you didn't really , you advised only to tell him if she thought she has a future with him. In either case he deserves to know. Like someone else said , if a man came on here with major decision and was thinking about not informing his partner then there would be absolute havoc.

Karigan1 · 15/02/2018 21:26

Read this one to my partner. His response ‘if she’s going to get rid of it anyway it’s kinder for him not to know what he’s lost’.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 15/02/2018 21:28

You absolutely should tell him - he has a right to know. It’s his child as much as yours.

You are way too blase about it - it’s not an item of clothing you forgot to pick up or a snog with an ex - you have created and are now carrying human life. If it was your life or death being decided by another person wouldn’t you want them to take their responsibilities and considerations a little more seriously!

AuntieStella · 15/02/2018 21:34

I think that if you don't tell him, you are deciding that he is not a serious partner for you.

If he found out (later, from a third party, and as several people know about the pg and termination plan this is a distinct possibility) then he may well find the basic fact that you didn't even tell him to be a deal-breaker in itself.

Koala72 · 15/02/2018 22:31

Well said.

Koala72 · 15/02/2018 22:34

Ok, let's try and flip this.

You are a woman. You don't know you're pregnant yet. The guy somehow finds out and decides not sure if he wants you, so he slips something in your tea to make you spontaneously abort, but you just think it's a strangely heavy period.

I know it's a bit trickier because of the physical aspect of your experience, but ... is it ok that he did that? His child as much as yours. He had information you didn't have, and he took a unilateral decision, because he could. Is that Ok?

QuiteLikely5 · 15/02/2018 22:47

If you absolutely do not want this baby then I don’t see the point in telling him.

The ethics of not telling him are tricky!

I think it’s slightly rich saying you only want to tell him for emotional support! Get that from your mother and friends

SandyY2K · 15/02/2018 22:53

I think the OP is old enough to decide on a termination. She asked if she should tell him...not if she should have it.

Termination is a personal choice

Koala72 · 15/02/2018 22:54

Termination is a personal choice

sadly

category12 · 15/02/2018 23:03

Happily we allow women bodily autonomy and don't force women to carry on pregnancies they don't want.

Angryangryyoungwoman · 15/02/2018 23:03

*Koala72

Ok, let's try and flip this.

I know it's a bit trickier because of the physical aspect of your experience, but ... is it ok that he did that?*

That is not flipping it, that is an example of someone doing something to someone elses body. Abortion is a womans choice because it is her body.

ThisLittleKitty · 15/02/2018 23:09

Do you actually think women should have to keep babies they don't want koala?

AlaskaSometimes · 16/02/2018 02:28

I would tell if I intended to stay in a relationship just for the emotional support.

For a one night stand I wouldn't tell.

SandyY2K · 16/02/2018 07:28

And that personal choice shouldn't ever be taken away from a woman.

Far too many babies are brought into this world without enough thought...in relationships that are totally unstable and where the two barely know each other. This isn't aimed at the OP BTW.

Every woman has the right to terminate an unplanned pregnancy and or should remain that way.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 16/02/2018 07:38

I don't think after 4-5 weeks of dating he's going to be an amazing source of emotional support.

You were both silly, barely knowing each other and having unprotected sex.

I think he has the right to know, he's the father and deserves to know what's happening to his child.

Koala72 · 16/02/2018 07:51

Happily we allow women bodily autonomy and don't force women to carry on pregnancies they don't want.

The bit I find hard is that if you don't want to be pregnant, why do you have unprotected sex? It seems to me to be disrespectful to the life that is created and thrown away. And I really cannot get my head around the idea that because that life is in a woman's body, she has the right to 'terminate' it and not tell the other person who created it.

Man up, OP. If you were ok to have unprotected sex and create a life, and are now getting rid of it (which I can, incidentally, completely understand and agree with as the best solution), then have the guts to tell the guy.

What I dislike is the way euphemisms and spurious political 'correctness' are used to gloss over what is essential a brutal act and morally questionable expediency. It is undoubtedly better to use a condom or be on some kind of birth control. And for all of those who will say 'oh but we all make mistakes, it's a woman's right' - would you say that if she was having a bad day and ran someone over? This is a fucking serious thing that has happened. And now the idea is it can be brushed under the carpet and the guy not told about it.

Yes, to be honest, the husband who said 'if she's already decided to get rid of it, then best to spare him the pain of knowing what he's lost and not tell him' is right.

So OP don't not tell him because that might spoil your chance of a relationship, because at the moment it sounds all about you. Don't tell him because it might break his heart and give him a sadness for the rest of his life that he has no control over - so don't tell him because at least that would be the decent thing to do.

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