Pregnant - should i tell him?

[toffeeapple123]

Found out this morning I'm pregnant. Total shock.

I immediately booked myself a termination and told my best friends as well as my mother. All support my decision.

I am not at the right stage - even though I have a good job, good career prospects, my own place etc, I am not in a loving long term relationship.

In fact, the guy doesn't have a job yet, is still applying (is incredibly smart - he will get a good positon eventually), has no money, relies on his parents etc.

We met on online dating, and the beginning was rocky - he didn't want anything serious etc. But a month ago, I threatened to walk, and said we should try to date properly because it was clear we both liked each other. Since then, he has been stepping up and spending a lot of time with me, planning trips, cooking meals, doing my shopping etc. But it's only been 4-5 weeks max. We don't talk about our feelings and we haven't planned anything for v-day tomorrow.

I guess I am looking for thoughts on whether or not I should tell him.
Intitally I thought no...but now I feel weird for telling several people and not him. Not sure what could be gained by telling him, though. He's not in the right stage to have a baby and he may well just run after finding out.

What do you guys think?

I would tell him tell him you have made up your mind and that you are having an abortion.

I would tell him because you don't know how you will handle the procedure. You might be unwell, you might be in shock, relived, grateful. you just dont know and well... you've only just started dating and it would probably be a bloody good idea to not start this with any secrets.

but now I feel weird for telling several people and not him.

This is your conscience speaking. You know it's wrong that others should know and not him. You know also that if you want to continue the relationship with him after the secret termination, then you're going to feel uncomfortable. You're going to feel uncomfortable sitting round the lunch table with him and your mum and friends and them all knowing and not him.

I understand why you're terminating. You sound very much in control. But I'm afraid I don't think this is a situation where you will be able to control it all, and you're right to worry about how it is going to pan out in terms of feelings afterwards. I'm sure you've also worked out that if you do it then tell him after the fact, he could reject you completely, which would not be unreasonable of him, based only on your withholding such an important thing from him, and not allowing him any input into anything, quite apart from the fact of the unilateral decision you will have taken.

It shows disrespect for him. He's bright. It will not go down well.

So either you keep it from him for HIS sake, and then you just have to suck it up and live with your knowledge of your duplicity, or you tell him before, in which case he suffers, or after, in which case he also suffers and is angry with you. Perhaps best to tell him before. I don't think you're scared he'll reject you then - I think you don't want him to be part of the decision-making process. I think you're scared he'll want to keep the baby.

And I'm sorry, toffeeapple, as I've come at this slightly erratically as it made me a bit cross to start with, and although I know people here have advised your decision is made and this is just a discussion about telling him or not, I don't think it's quite as easy as that, because telling him is connected to what you're doing (your decision, and what that means).

I understand totally why you've made that decision - it is entirely sensible. For such a sensible person, I find it tricky that you didn't avoid getting pregnant, and I suppose I have issue with the fact that by probably knowing you had the safety net of abortion, you have got yourself into this situation - where the normal rules of being sensible don't apply in quite the same way. Even if one discounts the issue of the termination of a life, the reason why this is such a critical issue re: the guy and telling him is because it is a matter of life and death.

I know, I can see, that you didn't know what you were getting yourself into, and now none of the solutions are quite satisfactory. And that's the problem - sometimes there are no good solutions. I'm really sorry.

So now, entirely calmed down, I think your sense that it would be wrong to keep it from him is spot on. I think hiding it is storing up trouble for the future, especially if you think your relationship may go further. I think you're scared of him wanting input into the decision. But as you know, you do have the ultimate choice and he won't be able to do anything about it. Either way, this is a premature challenge on a fledgling relationship. But I think you should go with your conscience. Either the two of you will come through it together, or apart, but at least you will have done the right thing.

entirely calmed down - I meant I had entirely calmed down and was finally giving balanced advice!

Were you not using condoms as well as the pill...untill he's had asexual health check?

If he is the sort of person who would "run" at finding out, then put that to the test and see. Because that is not the sort of guy that deserves to be in a relationship with you. If he steps up and supports you he'll prove his worth. Look at this as a good thing and a test to your strength as a couple. I miscarried a pregnancy a few months into a new relationship. My then bf stepped up and supported me and now we are married :) with a lovely 2 year old boy. good luck x

Koala. You believe that abortion is wrong. You're imagining how you would feel if you went against your beliefs and had a termination. You'd suffer from feelings of guilt for ending a life. It would be a huge event for you.

But Op is not you. She doesn't share your beliefs. There is no reason for her to suffer guilt or emotional turmoil. No one wants to have to go through a termination any more than they want to go through any sort of medical procedure. But in her position, with her belief that she is doing the right thing, it's much more likely that her main emotion will be relief when it's over.

Op. I wouldn't tell your boyfriend. It just adds another complication. You haven't known him very long. If you were emotionally close, he'd have been the first person you told. You know what you're going to do. Whatever he thinks, you're not going to change your mind. Tell him if you want to, but not because you feel you ought to.

Thymeout ... thank you. Yes, you're right on all counts, I think. Nobody needs to say anything more. : )