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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clare’s Law

102 replies

Quandary2018 · 12/02/2018 21:18

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met online. We talk most days, get on very well. My exh was emotionally and physically abusive so my friend suggested, err on the side of caution and carry out a Clare’s law check. I had no qualms about how he’d presented himself, comes across as kind, caring, considerate etc
However, the police have disclosed a long long history of abuse and have summarised that any woman in a relationship with him would be in danger and any child in contact with him would be at risk too.
So I obviously need to pull the plug on this, however, the police have advised I don’t let on that I know what I know. I really want to confront him with it, tell him I’m calling time because of what I know. I don’t want to fade quietly into the distance so as to not upset the big bad man. I’m sick of being lied to, used and abused. I’m so fed up of being taken for a mug and a victim.
The sensible me knows that would potentially be a very bad idea

How do I do it?

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 12/02/2018 21:21

It's only a few dates. He hasn't lied just hasn't told you. Seriously not defending him but it's only been a few dates. And seriously do not confront him. Just ghost him. Once again it's only been a few dates!!

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2018 21:22

Just say you’be decided you don’t want a relationship and leave it at that.

There’s no point putting yourself in jeopardy or spending any emotional energy on someone who you don’t want to be with.

Masterbuilders · 12/02/2018 21:23

Why would you confront someone who the police said is dangerous? That is just self harm to the extreme.

Just tell him you don’t think it’s working out. Anything but what you know and walk away. Preferably not face to face.

Itssosunny · 12/02/2018 21:25

Be polite and say this doesn't work for you.

Dancingfairy · 12/02/2018 21:26

Just delete him and block his number it really isn't hard. He's not gonna wear a name tag with all his dating history on it I'm surprised you expect someone would tell you after a few dates. These men end up with someone there is nothing to stop them from dating again. As I said not defending him but "confronting" him is madness.

AdoraBell · 12/02/2018 21:26

Agree, don’t confront someone who is classed as dangerous. As it has just been a few dates then go with the suggestion of just cooling off and say you don’t want a relationship.

Poshsausage · 12/02/2018 21:30

Wow you can do this ?? Amazing
Yes this would be self harm
I’d advise more therapy over dating as something could be affecting you now making you want to put yourself in danger please be careful

italiancortado · 12/02/2018 21:33

the police have advised I don’t let on that I know what I know

Then please listen to them.

OldBlueStitches · 12/02/2018 21:35

I think it's brilliant that you did this check! I bet loads of people would think about it then not do it because he seemed so nice.

But you've obviously been through a lot in relationships already. This isn't really one yet, so why suffer (which you will with a guy like him) for only a few dates? You can't change him. He won't see the error of his ways because you confront and dump. Simply won't happen. You will end up being vulnerable again though.

Tell him you don't want a relationship, whatever, ghost him if you want, just block him and get on with your happy life, thankful you found this out now and could keep yourself safe.

gamerchick · 12/02/2018 21:36

Don’t do it. You have the chance to just back off quietly without setting off his radar and him getting all indignant and wanting to prove himself.

Let this one go.

Lucymek · 12/02/2018 21:36

Worrying the police said children ? Wonder what that means.

Does he know where you live. I understand what you mean about wanting to confront.

My ex friends baby dad was a vile man she did Sarah's law. They split up now as SS have banned the relationship. and the best part is he is back on internet dating finding his next victim.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 12/02/2018 21:42

I don’t expect him to have told me his life story at this point but we have had a few in depth conversations about our pasts and he categorically told me he’d never laid a finger on a woman nor been arrested. Both lies.

I won’t confront him, of course I won’t, I also don’t want to ghost him either. This is madness to say but I will miss him, we’ve spent hours on the phone talking and had several really good dates. He’s the first man I felt a connection with, who I thought I potentially might be able to have a relationship with since my exh
I’m just disappointed I suppose

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 12/02/2018 21:43

It's been a few dates. Ofcourse he acted like the perfect gent. That's how they rope you in. Just let him down gently then if you don't want to ghost him.

gamerchick · 12/02/2018 21:45

Just remember the man you’ll miss isn’t real and he’s told you some pretty big lies to reel you in. Jump off now and don’t look back.

Armygirl · 12/02/2018 21:51

I’ve never heard of Claire’s law! Thank goodness you were able to check.

NameChange30 · 12/02/2018 21:55

What a sensible friend you have, she’s a good’un.

Ghost him and do the Freedom Programme.

parklives · 12/02/2018 21:58

Count your lucky stars you checked.
That was you finding out the real him, the nice guy you've been chatting to probably wouldn't exist for very long.
Plenty more fish in the sea.

meandmytinfoilhat · 12/02/2018 22:01

Be glad you checked. To be honest, I would change my phone number.

snapperstickers68 · 12/02/2018 22:03

Ah, what a shame that you have access to information that could potentially save someone's life, if not their emotional or physical wellbeing, and yet you can't share that information.

I wonder if the dating site should know about his profile?
Except he'd just open another profile elsewhere.

The only thing to do is for us all to keep promoting Clare's Law as much as we can, so that all women gain greater awareness of it.
I'm currently debating whether to follow through with an appplication to have my ex partner on the register. He's put me in hospital a few times, almost killed me by strangulation, all sorts. Yet he's currently in a relationship, with a woman who has, I think, older kids than our's. What to do, I just don't know. This goes back to 2002.

NSEA · 12/02/2018 22:03

Anyone can act nice for a few months.

dirtybadger · 12/02/2018 22:04

Well done on checking. Of course you should follow the Police's advice. I totally understanding wanting to confront, but its not worth it. Its good you found out so quickly. These horrible, manipulative, blokes have to have something going for them to reel women in, and that's the bit you've seen.

DiscotequeJuliet · 12/02/2018 22:04

Please don't try to confront him. I get why you're infuriated, but you know he's dangerous. Don't put yourself in the firing line.

I'd end it, but try to be as sensitive as poss so as to not provoke him.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 12/02/2018 22:05

I’m on the waiting list for the freedom programme, have been for months, will not entertain dating again until I’ve done it.

I know the man I’ve spoken to isn’t real, the police officer said in his experience, whilst some people can change, these sorts of offenders often don’t and usually get worse and certainly his list of offences grew in severity.
I am slightly worried as he knows where I work- he walked past one day and saw me- which is partly why I don’t want to ghost him as I think he’d come seeking me out.
I need to wind it down over a couple of days I think. If I just end it he’ll know somethings up.

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 12/02/2018 22:06

There's nothing to stop him from dating. Not sure why you would report his profile. There's no law against him dating.

Dancingfairy · 12/02/2018 22:08

He will know something's up when you've only been on a few dates? Just say there's no chemistry. I think your dragging it out when theres really no need.