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Original poster

Clare’s Law

102 replies

Quandary2018 · 12/02/2018 21:18

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met online. We talk most days, get on very well. My exh was emotionally and physically abusive so my friend suggested, err on the side of caution and carry out a Clare’s law check. I had no qualms about how he’d presented himself, comes across as kind, caring, considerate etc
However, the police have disclosed a long long history of abuse and have summarised that any woman in a relationship with him would be in danger and any child in contact with him would be at risk too.
So I obviously need to pull the plug on this, however, the police have advised I don’t let on that I know what I know. I really want to confront him with it, tell him I’m calling time because of what I know. I don’t want to fade quietly into the distance so as to not upset the big bad man. I’m sick of being lied to, used and abused. I’m so fed up of being taken for a mug and a victim.
The sensible me knows that would potentially be a very bad idea

How do I do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Quandary2018 · 13/02/2018 08:46

We’ve been in near on constant contact for weeks if I just suddenly turn round and say I’m not feeling it I doubt he’ll believe me and as I said, he doesn’t strike me as someone who’s going to take no for an answer easily.
I don’t think there’s going be to a huge fall out, I just want as minimal fuss as possible.
My experience of men like him is that whilst they bounce back quickly and he’ll undoubtedly be online again sharpish, they don’t like having their egos dented- that’s the bit I’m worried about

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 13/02/2018 08:48

I hate this "ghost delete block" attitude people have on here, as if it was oh so easy. Of course as a reader, unconnected with the real people in these stories, it's easy to be black and white, and see things clearly. But when you're living it, emotions come into play. You have to,actually live each moment, not just read it and then scroll on to the next interesting thread.

OP I can see how hard this is - you know you have to end it but you want to tread carefully, in a way that doesn't arouse suspicion and lead to worse things. And of course, as well as planning how to do this, you're also dealing with huge disappointment. Yes it was only a few dates, but you clearly had high hopes for this relationship, and it's upsetting to learn how wrong you were. It's also upsetting to have to question your judgement, and wonder if you'll ever know a good one when you see them.

I would play the "not ready" card, say that life is busy and you just don't feel you're in the right place for a relationship, and that the connection you thought you felt isn't there.

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 08:50

Say your getting back with your ex... You're needlessly dragging it out.

foodiefil · 13/02/2018 08:54

Do not confront him on it.

You're lucky the police have given you that information, despite Clare's Law they're not as forthcoming with it as you might imagine.

Phase him out. Then tell him you're having problems and can't continue the relationship and cut all contact. Consider yourself in danger now.

Well done on using Clare's law. I know women who haven't and have suffered.

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 08:57

I suggested she ghost him before she said he knew where she worked, and because he is violent I don't think he even deserve an explanation. But let's bare in mind this isn't a relationship it should be easy to get out of hes not going to get suspicious, he's probably never heard of Claire's law either. Its really not unusual at all for this situation to end after a few dates.

Itssosunny · 13/02/2018 09:13

OP, that's very difficult. Hopefully he is going to leave you alone. I would probably say that it doesn't work for me and I need to take a few months or maybe even a year to do some studies, yoga or do some other commitments. Obviously he will try to persuade you but you need to be kind but firm. Say you thought it would work but it doesn't and that means you need to work on yourself. If tries to help you, thank him but decline politely. You need to be on your own to make it work.

Hissy · 13/02/2018 09:29

You have learned something about yourself today, this is a good day.

You know what you need to do. This again is good.

YOU have done nothing wrong, you just trusted someone who you could not have known was dangerous. You know how the beginning of relationships like these go, it's all perfect... perfectly perfect. Sure the clues are there if you know what to look for, but you need to work on recognising these, that's OK.

My suggestion is that you end this quickly and say that you have something going on at home and you need to focus on that, and it's not right to divulge information etc, but you have to end contact with him and focus on home for a while.

Trust me he doesn't have that much effort invested in you - and for him being nice and not an arsehole IS an effort - so I dare say he'll switch fairly quickly and leave you alone.

HOWEVER, if he doesn't back off once you have said that you are ending the relationship, call the police, tell them about who he is and why you have ended it and they will help you. I don't think it will go that far, but just get your mindset there ready just in case you have to go down that route

RubberJohnny · 13/02/2018 10:03

Say you've had a sexual screen and come back with a contagious disease. You are very infectious etc. He will wither at the thought. This is btw, said slightly tongue in cheek but it is something I had to say years ago to a nasty guy I'd been seeing. He lived in my village so just dropping him was really worrying. The worry of him spreading rumours was a lot less so that's why I came up with the std plan. I was only 18 He never tried anything with me again and it was just like his head had been turned away and I no longer had any importance. He was with a new girl in a week.
He's now been murdered / died of an overdose in prison thankfully, but I'm sure he hurt a lot of women after me ( was in prison for stalking an ex and beating up her younger brother as he thought he was a new boyfriend) as it was well before claires law.

italiancortado · 13/02/2018 10:22

Say you've had a sexual screen and come back with a contagious disease. You are very infectious etc. He will wither at the thought.

I don't think he would. People like this look for weakness. That would be playing into his hands. Very dangerous.

twizzr · 13/02/2018 10:30

Finish with him in your own way, if he gets nasty, then you could phone the police to have a quiet word.

Orangecake123 · 13/02/2018 10:39

For your own safety do not confront.

I didn't know about Clare's law until this post.

Jux · 13/02/2018 11:57

Lots of "It's not you, it's me" type stuff. Don't explain why too clearly - whatever you make up he'll have an answer to, so keep it as vague as you can and don't be drawn into discussion. He'll try to make you feel horribly guilty, but keep reminding yourself that you got out of one abusive relationship, you're not going to get into another, and think of the mind tricks your ex played on you. He'll do those if he gets the chance.

Well done dodging this bullet.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 13/02/2018 13:10

I’ve text him, he’s not happy, wants to change my mind, suggested we meet on Thursday for coffee to discuss. I have politely but firmly declined

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/02/2018 13:16

Good, keep declining and hopefully he won’t be too persistent. However the second he starts to become a bit of a pest and won’t back off ask a policeman to have a word with him.

Good luck.

elisenbrunnen · 13/02/2018 13:17

And keep refusing.

Of course he wants to 'change your mind' - he is controlling. You are not allowed to have your own opinions, much less act on them!

The number of people on here who have never heard of Clare's law is horrifying. We need as much information as we can get on these tossers.

jellybellywelly · 13/02/2018 13:29

Saying your ex is wanting to try again may be helpful.?

HazySpring · 13/02/2018 13:30

How do you do it, Quandary? Here's my suggestions:

  1. Definitely agree a very brief "its not you, its me" conversation. Saying you don't think you're ready for a relationship is a good one (you don't need to elaborate). Short as possible, pleasant - but firm. I do not think "ghosting" is a good idea, as you say he knows where you work and he may also think you are playing games with him and want him to chase you. Its better to end it clearly for both parties. At the same time take your profile off the dating site for a while. He may try and dissuade you, he may also contact you again, once or several times. Go strictly no contact i.e. ignore. Do not respond even once. I would not block though immediately. Maybe wait some weeks or a couple of months and then if you want block? Better still, later on, change your number to make sure you will never hear from him again.
  1. So glad you found out soon, try and think of it positively if you can. The emotional "disappointment" others have rightly mentioned will soon fade. The better you know yourself - including your 'weaknesses' - the better you are protected. Building up your own confidence and self-esteem is the way to go and - IMO - and I would also add not needing a relationship with a man is very important. You may have "issues", but equally you may be a trusting person with alot to give (you just don't realise you need to choose carefully who you "give" it to; not everyone is deserving or receptive).
  1. Internet dating sites are probably crawling with people with personality disorders, and so forth. To make sure you don't put yourself in a vulnerable position you have to be v careful. Don't share too much of yourself, including personal information and emotions, history, dreams, etc. Women, I am told, tend to "overshare". Such men are very good at "mirroring" and getting a "feel" for their next prospect. Take it slow, polite and courteous and try not to get carried away emotionally (hard sometimes). Do not sleep with any man until you really have got to know him and are very sure who he is. I would not be having daily conversations with anyone I met through a dating site for a long time because really, you don't know who they are, as you have found. I would not be sharing my past and keep personal revelations to a minimum either. Lots of people meet through internet dating, and it can be a way to meet people if done well, but there are caveats.
  1. Interestingly, Quandary, though I know all the above (experience I'm afraid), your thread made me think. One (of two) men I'm conversing with on OLD at the moment seems to be "mirroring" me in a way that I'm not quite clear about, and seems to be emotionally sizing me up. It could be genuine interest, or he could be sizing me up for his own purposes. But your thread made me think. Internet dating should (I believe) be kept light, interesting, fun and so forth until you are actually dating and getting to know them. Even then, if something might be a bit off, its worth being very cautious.

Sorry for the essay.

Good luck.

HazySpring · 13/02/2018 13:31

Ah yes, I see he has already not taken no for an answer.

Gemini69 · 13/02/2018 13:35

Well done ... I hope your able to move forward from this Lady Flowers

HazySpring · 13/02/2018 13:36

And P.S. in case of doubt when I suggested a brief conversation, I meant on phone, not in person. But since you've texted maybe thats enough.

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 13:51

That's why I suggested sayig your getting back with you ex. Something he can't change your mind on. Or try to. Anyway il looked into claires law after this thread and it doesn't seem like it's something every woman can do to every potential date, it seems you have to have a reason to suspect somethig and the police won't always do a disclosure it said.

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 13:54

"6) If the police don’t think abuse is likely - even if the person they’ve been considering has a history of such behaviour - they will not make a disclosure. The information the police and other agencies hold on individuals is private. There has to be a pressing reason for them to share it, or they are not allowed to do so. So not getting a disclosure doesn’t mean there is no violent past: it just means the police either don’t have any information, or they don’t feel the risk is high enough at that time."

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 13/02/2018 13:59

Given that he knows my ex was violent and police and social services have been involved I highly doubt he’d buy that I was going to go back to him but I see your point.

When I made the request via 101 they asked if any of his behaviour had made me suspect something I said no, that I wanted to do a check given my past history. I’m guessing the severity of his record against women and children was enough for them to warrant the disclosure

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 14:09

Just abit of advice probably best not to tell men you don't know very well that much detail about the past with your ex as it's probably what attracted him. Sensing vulnerability. That's not something you should share with everyone you meet.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 13/02/2018 14:14

I don’t normally, it’s not something I’m particularly proud of so don’t go shouting it from the rooftops

He told me his version of why his marriage ended first and I told him mine. I didn’t go into great detail at all.
Am already kicking myself for letting my guard down at all. Point taken though

OP posts:
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