Clare’s Law

[Quandary2018]

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met online. We talk most days, get on very well. My exh was emotionally and physically abusive so my friend suggested, err on the side of caution and carry out a Clare’s law check. I had no qualms about how he’d presented himself, comes across as kind, caring, considerate etc
However, the police have disclosed a long long history of abuse and have summarised that any woman in a relationship with him would be in danger and any child in contact with him would be at risk too.
So I obviously need to pull the plug on this, however, the police have advised I don’t let on that I know what I know. I really want to confront him with it, tell him I’m calling time because of what I know. I don’t want to fade quietly into the distance so as to not upset the big bad man. I’m sick of being lied to, used and abused. I’m so fed up of being taken for a mug and a victim.
The sensible me knows that would potentially be a very bad idea

How do I do it?

Dancingfairy - With a long history of abusing women why wouldn't you report him to the dating site.

Because he's allowed to date what do you think the site will do?? There's nothing to stop him from dating. It's not illegal for him to date the site won't do anything.

I don't think the site will do anything, they should do but they won't.

He’s the first man I felt a connection with

Understand this: the connection is with the danger. The kind of guy you’ll feel familiar with, a Connection with will be one you’re experienced with - an abuser.

You’re very wise to lay off dating until you’ done the FP.

In the meantime, read the book by Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That” and any other book amazon has to offer to show you what you’ve been dealing with

Post on mumsnet too, there are specific threads to help you navigate this journey. You’re not alone

Well done for finding out

You may have just saved your own life, you owe your friend a great deal

Like I said not defending him. I Saw my ex on pof 2 weeks after being released from a psychiatric hospital where he was sectioned for paranoid scitzophenia and threatening to kill me. Made me sick to see him looking for the next victim. But really there is nothing to stop them.

Dont ghost him. Any reasonable person would be frustrated by that. And hes not reasonable! So think of a likely and inoffensive excuse and use that. Maybe that youre not sure youre ready to date again. Or if you have DC, that your DC are struggling to come to terms with you moving on. Anything that wont make him defensive.

I’m sorry but the reason you felt a connection to him is because you sensed he was an abusive person, and this is familiar to you. The Freedom Programme will help you break this pattern. You need to drop him like a bag of hot shit, which is what he is. You owe him nothing and certainly don’t be drawn into any debate, drama or recriminations. Polite text, then block. If he comes chasing then deal with it then.

Make up some bullshit about how you're not ready for another relationship and let him down gently. Big him up if you have to and he may not suspect it's because of him.

That’s what I think I’m going to have to go. Say I’m just not ready, make sure he knows it’s absolutely nothing to do with him

I never said I’d report his profile- my abusive exh is on pof and I haven’t reported his

Very good points about feeling a connection because of recognising he’s an abuser. I read something on here earlier, before the police visit, and that did set alarm bells off for the first time- he seemed to get me so quickly, understood me, had me read as a person- of course he did, I’m a prime target for him

Can anyone request information from the police or is there criteria you have to meet. And would it just be arrests that would be documented.
I wonder what would come up on a check on my ex. Lots of reports made by me and PIN police order.

Snapperssticker68 there is no need to put your ex on a register, all Clare's Law does is disclose Police National Computer information- that is already held- about police attendances, arrests or convictions to partners IF they feel its warranted. So any current or future partner of your ex can already request this information without you having to do amything as long as there is a police record of some kind of the incident.

OP- really don't confront him. The police do not give this advice lightly. Good luck.

Yes let him down very gently. Just sort of let it tail off.
Do not confront him, not only is he dangerous but he’s manipulative as well.

Also, perhaps think about what you tell people about yourself in the future, you are vulnerable and he could sense that, if you told him about the past abuse you suffered then you’re even more of a target. They can work out that you’re fragile and will most likely put up with the abuse again. Maybe don’t tell people about it until you know them a bit better.

I always get the impression that abusers are very adept at being everything you want them to be very quickly. That is a big red flag.

And your friend is brilliant btw

You've been so courageous. Well done.

Now, the really brave and sensible thing to do is to run away.

Yes, don't ghost him, he might stalk you. "I'm not ready, I'm so sorry, I'm going to cut contact and good luck" might be your safest option.

Of course you will miss him, it's only natural. We all need connection and someone who makes us feel good. You are doing a really brave thing in running away.

You can do the freedom programme online (I did)

stay safe OP... this gave me real concerns for you ..

Well done for doing the check now u know u know what u have to do just tell him ure not ready for relationship u thought u were but u now realise ure not and u're sorry u can date again just use Claire's law again

I'm interested in why your friend recommended you check him out. Is she just an extremely cautious person who would check out any potential love interest; is it because she knows your particular vulnerabilities (if a stranger on the internet can pick up that you tend to be drawn to abusers then surely a close friend will); or was it something about him she didn't like? Perhaps she could explain what smelled off to her. Either way, she sounds like someone you should always introduce new boyfriends to as soon as possible...

And yes, fgs if the police say do not confront him, then do not confront him! It's a conceit far too many women trap themselves by that you will be the one to change him, either by "loving him better" (ugh!) or telling him some home truths. If he's dangerous he's not going to be amenable to sweet reason.

I don’t want to change him I just wanted him to know the reason it was not going any further was because of him

My friends a social worker so I think that’s made her very cautious plus she knows my history. She’d never met him

Listen to the police
Do not let him know you know.
He couldn’t give one shiny shit what you think about him or if you’re disappointed in him

Oh fgs. If you told him what you know and he then hurt you the first people you’d contact would be the police so why don’t you listen to them and NOT say anything?

And fgs it’s been a few dates not years! He hasn’t lied he’s just not told you yet. I’m sure there’s stuff you’ve not told him.

You say you want him to know that his past is the reason why it won’t continue, but if he hasn’t changed he really isn’t gunna give a shit that he’s the reason you’re walking away. You’ll be gone and he’ll be talking to somebody else online an hour later.

He IS allowed to date and he IS allowed to have dating profiles. You can’t rule his life.

In no way am I defending this man. But just tell him you want different things and walk away without creating any drama. Another pointless post imo - if this was me I’d just end things and block. Never in a million years would I even be thinking of telling this man what I knew let alone posting on mumsnet asking if I should say anything

I know what you mean op but it doesn't matter, do you think he would care anyway. In his volatile head it would still be your fault for snooping, because he's changed of course.
In fact all that history that you discovered would probably be the other women's fault too, because they were crazy or drove him to it. All of my ex's past women were crazy, apparently he had bad taste in women. Funny because within 3 months he was also telling me, and anyone else who would listen that I was crazy too. I actually asked him once were they crazy before they met you or just after.
Previous posters are right I do think somewhere deep down you sensed the abuser in him. I've been single for a year and not one man has excitited me like my ex, I can't imagine one ever will do, more than ok with me. You become accustomed to that emotional whirlwind of abuse. Your brain almost craves it after. It's your brain's coping mechanism, a human isn't meant to live on constant high alert, it produces chemicals that aren't meant to be sustained over long periods of time. That's why abusive relationships can affect you physically as well as mentally.
The fp is great to do, but I would also look into therapy, some kind of specialised trauma counselling it will help you understand more about how your feeling and why you are drawn to men like this. For me it was definitely unresolved issues in my past.
All of that should provide you with the tools you need to heal yourself mentally and recognise these little nuances that all abusers hold.
As for ending it, it needs to be done cleanly and swiftly. Don't big him up, don't mention your dc don't give him a long explanation. Men like this are persistent and rarely like taking no for an answer, they are manipulative so I would not give him any material to twist and turn.
For example, I'm not ready, well let's take it slower. My dc aren't coping. Ok I won't push to meet them. It's not you, you're great, ok well give me another chance I promise I will never hurt you. I would advise a short I'm very sorry but I don't want this, it isn't working for me but I wish you all the luck. Then block, don't give him any further ability to contact you. Don't put yourself in a position to be drawn into any further conversation that may leave you in a position where you spill out what the actual reason is.
I understand your anger and frustration at wanting him to know you know but that really won't help you. If he felt any guilt or responsibility for what he did he would have seeked the help he needed prior to dating, he lies about it because he knows if he showed you his actual self you would run a mile.
My ex was on a dating site 3 weeks after assaulting me. He was dating again before he even had his plea hearing. Men like this are parasites, they aren't able to live without someone to abuse. It's a part of them.
Finally well done for using Claire's law. This was one of my main motivations for pressing charges against my ex. I wasn't the first person he had done it to, I won't be the last however I was the only one so far that stood up to him and carried out to the end. The fact that I could potentially be helping to warn someone in the future helped me find the strength to go to court.
However most of the people I know, had no knowledge of the ability to protect themselves in this way.

I think I’ve said about 3 times now that I am categorically NOT going to say I know anything, I’ve also explained why I can’t just disappear given he knows where I work.
He has lied, as I’ve pointed out, because he told me he’d never been arrested let alone hit a woman

I also never said anything about his dating profile or trying to take it down and have said that’s something I wouldn’t do

Sorry you feel my post is pointless, chippy, you could easily have scrolled on past it.

So he knows where you work, that doesn't matter. I agree I don't think ghosting is the way to go, but you do need to end it asap. I disagree that fading it out gradually is the way to go. If you end it then block him and he turns up at your work call the police.
My reference to not telling him was meant that engaging with him in too much detail may mean you talk yourself into a corner and it come out in anger/frustration. I would struggle to hold back if he wasn't taking no for an answer.
Other posters are right the dating site wont do anything anyway, even if you were to report him, i wouldnt worry too much these men love the interaction, drama and attention if you block him after a short goodbye text he will more than likely be online searching for the next victim within hours, you have prevented yourself from becoming that on this occasion.
While I agree that chippy was a little blunt in her response I do kind of get where she is coming from. It's been a few dates it doesn't need to be a drawn out process. End it politely and swiftly then refuse to enter into any further dialogue, that's pretty easy to do now days with the block facility on every possible app. I personally would deactivate any sm sites for a week or so too, just to air on the side of caution.
Good luck op.

You'll get a lot of redundant, repetitive advice here Quandary, because some people are too arrogant to read anything but the original post

I would be concerned him walking past your work wasn't just a coincidence, tbh.

I hope ending things goes smoothly. Good luck

Several posters have said they didn’t know Clare’s law existed so clearly the post isn’t pointless as chippy suggested as now more people know about it and may use it in the future

I don’t want to draw this out but I also don’t want to just disappear and have him show up at work potentially. That’s what I was asking for advice about.

As for his dating profile, I never said I was going to report him or try and have it taken down- that was another poster and yet people have been insinuating I want to control his life
I absolutely do not, I want to find a way that removes him from mine with a little fall out as possible. I’ve been awake most of the night going back over texts and conversations and there are red flags I just didn’t see them. I don’t think he’s going to take no for an answer easily

Why do you think there's going to be a huge fall out? Like chippy said he will be back online within an hour. There's nothing to suggest hes going to stalk you and I doubt your the only woman's he's had a couple of dates with off pof and not gone anywhere .