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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clare’s Law

102 replies

Quandary2018 · 12/02/2018 21:18

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy I met online. We talk most days, get on very well. My exh was emotionally and physically abusive so my friend suggested, err on the side of caution and carry out a Clare’s law check. I had no qualms about how he’d presented himself, comes across as kind, caring, considerate etc
However, the police have disclosed a long long history of abuse and have summarised that any woman in a relationship with him would be in danger and any child in contact with him would be at risk too.
So I obviously need to pull the plug on this, however, the police have advised I don’t let on that I know what I know. I really want to confront him with it, tell him I’m calling time because of what I know. I don’t want to fade quietly into the distance so as to not upset the big bad man. I’m sick of being lied to, used and abused. I’m so fed up of being taken for a mug and a victim.
The sensible me knows that would potentially be a very bad idea

How do I do it?

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 13/02/2018 15:43

well, the good thing is he's known to police, so hopefully any problems you have with him will be taken seriously, if you report it. And you should.

Jux · 13/02/2018 17:02

Well done. As HazySpring, he's already not taken no for an answer which tells you straight away that you're doing the right thing.

Please don't meet up with him, it will just encourage him. Try not to get pulled into anything more; and not to give him an opening. As he won't believe you're getting back with your ex, then may be just reiterate that you've realised you're "not ready for a relationship and that's it, it's not you it's me".

Good luck. I hope he gets the message and takes it.

snapperstickers68 · 13/02/2018 17:05

Beatriz that makes sense. In my case there were no actual arrests, just dozens of police attendances, warnings but not official cautions, that kind of thing. This is going back to 2002 and up to very recently (despite me leaving him in 2009).

However, he often uses fake names and contact addresses, so future partners may well never find record of him anyway, unfortunately.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 13/02/2018 19:28

He, thankfully, seems to have gotten the message. Says he understands so I said I was glad he did, that I wished him well, said bye and blocked

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/02/2018 19:33

Fantastic, well done.

Nanny67 · 13/02/2018 20:05

Quandary how long did this process take? And did you have to go to the police station?

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 20:07

Good news

CryptoFascist · 13/02/2018 20:12

Well done, you handled it perfectly.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 13/02/2018 20:14

Nanny- I just rang 101 and asked to make an application, they took some details from me and then an officer rang back the same day and asked a few more questions and advised it could take up to 35 days to be completed.
5 days later I had a phone call from the officer in charge of my area saying it was done and could he come round to discuss, I was at work and then he was off for the weekend so it ended up being 8 days in total from application to disclosure

OP posts:
Itssosunny · 13/02/2018 20:35

OP, be careful not to keep your profile online for sometime to give him some peace of mind.

ChaosNeverRains · 13/02/2018 20:47

What did he say about why his marriage broke down?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 13/02/2018 21:43

You’ve dodged a bullet OP well done at being so strong and decisive. Hope you find happiness in whatever form.

Ginandchampers · 13/02/2018 21:51

No man I've dated has said 'I've never laid a hand on a woman'

Why would a man need to say that? (unless they'd actually battered a woman senseless). That's a red flag to me.
Most people haven't murdered someone and if a man reassured me that he hadn't, I'd identify that as being very odd. It goes without saying, no?

I think you need to think more objectively with the next man. Don't just listen to what they tell you but question whether it's normal for them to be saying these things

Ginandchampers · 13/02/2018 22:01

I should add, these men are disgusting, and will continue to exist whether or not you associate with them.
These men are not of our making and we do not enable them.
I'm just making the point that we need to protect ourselves from them. Unfortunately, the cult of the narcissistic man is a growing trend.

DiscotequeJuliet · 13/02/2018 22:02

I hope this is the end of it op

foodiefil · 14/02/2018 10:46

Where in the country do you live OP, roughly? Just the force area of you don't mind sharing

thethoughtfox · 14/02/2018 11:01

"We’ve been in near on constant contact for weeks if I just suddenly turn round and say I’m not feeling it I doubt he’ll believe me and as I said, he doesn’t strike me as someone who’s going to take no for an answer easily. "

This is perfect. Just tell him it's all moving too fast. You have now realised you are not ready for any of this.

thethoughtfox · 14/02/2018 11:03

Just saw your updates. Well done, OP.

Lovemusic33 · 14/02/2018 16:29

Well done OP, I will be using Claire’s law in the future.

I met someone online who seemed lovely, he made out he had never laid a finger on a woman and that he was the perfect gent, he turned out to have serious issues and a criminal record, several women had injunctions out against him and his first partner had gone into hiding with his child. Our relationship got more and more abusive (mainly verbally, he had a temper on him), after I ended it he continued to harass me so I had an injunction placed on him and I reported him for past sexual abuse. I’m not sure if this would come up on a search with Claire’s law as he wasn’t charged with the sexual assault (just the harassement). It’s made me very careful with other men which is probably why I’m still single.

Lucymek · 14/02/2018 17:05

Well done op you should be really proud of how you handelled this whole thing.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 14/02/2018 18:08

Sunny- profile is down and he’s blocked anyway

Chaos- he said that he was working a lot and they grew apart and then she cheated on him and left.

Gin- as strange as it sounds now, it actually came up in conversation and he said he never has nor ever will lay a finger on a woman

Foodie- it’s Nottinghamshire police that handled my application

Lovemusic- yes it would come up on Clare’s Law, there doesn’t need to be charges or convictions just anything that’s been reported. At the end of the disclosure the relevant domestic violence team gives an assessment on the future potential risk the subject of the disclosure poses

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 14/02/2018 18:30

Quandry, glad to see your update 👍

Just a word of warning, your answer to Foodie could identify you if someone was trying to find if you are on here. It would be better to do a pm instead of putting out in the open.

bubblebat · 14/02/2018 19:13

IME men who do have a history of abusive behaviour develop that "connection" then go out of their way to "bring it up randomly in conversation" so they can reassure you they would never do anything, despise that behaviour etc

Men who don't. Don't feel the need to let you know they won't as they don't have insecurity in the first place about it

Huntinginthedark · 14/02/2018 19:14

Yes I’ve never met any man who has to say out loud they wouldn’t touch a woman
It’s just not a thing
It wouldn’t even enter their mind

Huntinginthedark · 14/02/2018 19:15

I mean a man who isn’t abusive!