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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you cheated on a partner... and have you done it more than once?

133 replies

Flamesparrow · 01/05/2007 16:33

Feel free to name change for this!!!

Read sooo many times this morning words to the effect of "once a cheater, always a cheater".

So... have you cheated on a partner?

If so, have you done it more than once (ie to the same person or cheated on multiple partners)?

If you have only done it once, do you think you ever conceivably could again?

PLEASE ladies - this isn't a "lets stone the unfaithful" thread - it is about finding out if it is a fair assessment, and whether or not we should trust again if it is a "one off".

OP posts:

oliveoil · 02/05/2007 13:42

dh - no
ex boyfriend - yes

Oblomov · 02/05/2007 13:50

I'm sure no one goes into a marriage / realtionship planning to cheat.
But then some woman wouldn't even entertain the idea of flirting with / going out with a married man. Many of my friends have no qualms about doing this, at all. On the moral highground, I do.
I think its wrong. I think cheating is wrong. No need for it. Finish the previous relationship - its clearly not THAt good anyway. I know that's a bit simplistic. But I do believe that a large part of it comes down to how you virw relationships. And I like to THINK, that I will never do it, in any circumstances.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/05/2007 14:03

I've only ever had sex, or even nearly-sex, with one man in my whole life, which is rapidly approaching the half-century. Monogamy was always a hugely important thing to me. That's why when he wanted to bring me to heel he'd accuse me of unfaithfulness, I believe now, though I used to think in the early days he just didn't know me well enough to trust me and later on that he was simply an insecure person.

Eventually when it was clear, to me at least, that the marriage was effectively over, I turned for emotional comfort to a bloke I played an online game with. I never met him in real life, mind you, and my havering and moaning soon drove him away (into the arms of another woman he met on the internet, and I felt for some weird reason almost as if he'd betrayed me, when there was nothing TO betray). But I PROBABLY would have slept with him IF the opportunity had arisen. STBXH has no compunction calling it "the affair" and telling passing strangers "my wife likes these young men, you see".

Am well over both now. Divorce is not finalised, but in my eyes, if I shagged the Brigade of Guards tomorrow it wouldn't be cheating. I owe him nothing. It's been a year now since I threw the miserable old so-and-so out of my bed. And I STILL haven't had an affair! Dammit...

dancingtina · 02/05/2007 16:15

Just wanted to say for the record and to back up the comments that relationships are not so black and white...

My hubby is my best friend, I love him, fancy him (like mad!), respect him, like him and he is a wonderful father to our beautiful children. We get on brilliantly, we support each other, we make each other laugh and love each other's company.

Unfortunately, I LOVE sex and he's just not very interested. Apparently I should just leave him....why on earth would I want to do that???

foxcub · 02/05/2007 18:36

I don't think infidelity is the worst crime in the world but I wouldn't cheat on DH as he is the father on my kids as well as my hub, and I wouldn't want to put their family security at risk. I feel it would be betraying them as much as him. Besides which, at my age I wouldn't dream of getting naked in front of any man other than DH!

However, not wanting to sound too angelic and po faced about this, both DH and I were with other partners when we met, so in effect did cheat on both those partners for a while until we officially got together.

linjasmom · 02/05/2007 20:47

never did, can't ever imagine it, especially not now I am with dh who is father to dd. boring me....

PeachyChocolateEClair · 02/05/2007 20:52

I've done the overlap thng but there's always been a pan of ending the first relatinship in pace, I've never ahd a pure affair, iyswim and I certainly don't intend to start now! Apart frm when I met DH it was always as a teenager, with Dh I was engaged when we met but it was an awful relationship, damaging us both and we'd have gone ahead and amrried with eventual disaster had I not tkaen the baton and run with it (plus I'd have missed out od DH).

I did come close to an affair when DH was severely depressed a few years ago, but didn't do it as I just couldn't have done it to DH.

Donkeyswife · 02/05/2007 22:57

I cheated on a boyfriend who i was tired and exhausted with many years ago. I feel really bad about that (still) as i should have ended it first but we were living in different countries. Have never cheated on anyone since and could not contemplate ever cheating on my dh for a whole variety of reasons, the main one being that i love and like him too much - it would also feel like i was cheating on my ds too if that makes sense!

anniemac · 03/05/2007 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

paddingtonbear1 · 03/05/2007 14:01

have never cheated on dh.
but I did cheat on my ex-boyfriend. he found out and was jealous cos he hadn't been unfaithful himself!

Pedagogue · 03/05/2007 15:17

Affairs are a make-or-break thing.

I remember being shocked when I found out my Dad had had an affair, but it was symptomatic of a relationship going wrong. He and my Mum have taken a long look at it and are a lot more understanding for it - they have a real dialogue now.

I thought I'd never have an affair, but I did have a couple when I was a student with one gf. DW is the best thing ever and I don't feel the need now.

Doesn't stop me fantasising about other women, though, but I'm pretty sure that holds for DW and other men too.

agnesnitt · 03/05/2007 16:55

I've never cheated, turned down those opportunities when they arose.

My ex was a cheater for eight years, and I never knew. He's now ensconced in a little love nest with the woman he cheated with (who was cheating on her own husband at the time). I hope they turn out to cheat on each other something rotten because I'm nice like that.

Agnes

juicychops · 03/05/2007 17:42

never have done and never could. ive had it done to me by my ex and i love my dp too much to ever do that to him

hoolagirl · 03/05/2007 18:43

I did it consistantly for years.
I haven't done it to current DP though and have no desire to.
I think I would leave him first if I started feeling that way again. It wouldn't be fair on him.

zizou · 03/05/2007 19:31

I have never done it to anyone and thought I never would BUT when dh and I hit a very bad patch a few years ago I very nearly did. I was at how detached I became and how ready I was to be unfaithful. But now really glad I managed to pull back.

Norfolkinhope · 04/05/2007 08:00

When our cat stays out all night, it gets a nuzzle and a bowl of food from DW.

I stay out all night and all I get is a slap round the face and DW crying into her breakfast.

Women have such double standards.

Kaz33 · 04/05/2007 08:32

Ex boyfriends - yes

DH - ten years together and no. Nearly did once when he was living in Paris, I turned left to go to my flat in the city and he lived in West London. Sure if we had lived in the same part of town we would have done . Glad I didn't.

Wouldn't cheat, too much to lose, not the most sexually compatabile with DH but i sowed my seeds a lot when I was younger and though I have had better sex - no man I have met has the other attributes of DH and we make a good team.

Budababe · 04/05/2007 08:53

Have cheated on a previous boyfriend - made me realise that relationship was over. But was then a total bitch as to cowardly to finish it and manipulated him into finishing it a few months later.

Have also cheated on DH both before and since we married. That whole sexual compatability thing. Was great at the beginning but then fizzled out. I had a fling with my then boss - not full on sex but near enough. Then also had a short fling with a guy a worked with - don't regret it - the sex was amazing. Have cheated once in last 6 years. In fact those two occassions are the last time I had sex - been married 11 years.

Would I cheat again? Yes. DH is not interested in sex - says it wouldn't bother him if he never had sex again.

Why am I still with him? Because we have a child together (IVF) who loves us both and we love him. A similar situation to dancingtina.

On the other hand - if DH cheated on me that would be the end of our marriage. I sometimes wish he would.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2007 09:02

I honestly cannot blame people who married a person with whom they believed they were sexually compatible and who then reneged.

E.g., a situation like dancingtina or Budababe.

One of my mother's dear friends was in a similar situation, where the man decided he didn't want sex with her or anyone else after the kids came along. He became asexual and refused to even discuss it, let alone do anything about it.

It nearly drove her to suicide because she does love her husband.

She's had a lover whose wife did the same for nearly 20 years and, now that their children are grown and gone, last week, they both left their marriages.

They have not yet announced their partnership, they're going to see how it all goes now they're free, but my mom says she's got a new lease on life and all her friends - who gradually came to know her situation over the years - are incredibly supportive.

FloatingOnTheMed · 04/05/2007 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2007 09:56

I would, too, Floating, but I can see where someone might not.

FloatingOnTheMed · 04/05/2007 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Budababe · 04/05/2007 10:16

TBH Floating I have been so tempted to leave many many times.

But we live in Budapest because of DH's job. If I did leave it DH I wouldn't want to stay here, I would move back to Dublin to be near my family. So I would be uprooting DS from his school and friends as well as his home and Dad. And he wouldn't get to see DH that often. I just can't do it to him. I made the decision to bring a child into the relationship knowing it wasn't ideal.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2007 10:17

In that case, I wish you can find a person like 'Mary', my mother's pal.

Despite the heartache, at least she and her lover brought each other some happiness in their lives.

They're still very much together, and there's no doubt they will one day live together, but for now they are enjoying themselves.

Budababe · 04/05/2007 10:20

I wish I could too expat! Unfortunately I only meet husbands of friends and that is a total total no go area (and they are all happily married anyway!!).

I hope your Mum's friend stays happy - it sounds like a nice ending.

(BTW do you now see why my need for Luca is greater than yours?)

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