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Original poster

How to deal with a friendship outgrown

93 replies

Catinthebath · 10/02/2018 15:10

I’ve outgrown a 40+ year old friendship but my friend hasn’t. The only thing I have is nostalgia. Friend has behaved very badly towards mutual friends and her behaviour has been called out, I’ve avoided calling her out for too long on poor behaviour towards friends in my home. Alcohol is a feature of a lot of this behaviour. I was cowardly and hoped she’d take the hint from my countless excuses not to meet up but she hasn’t and now definitely knows something is wrong. Her behaviour has amplified the fact that I had outgrown the friendship. I’ve confirmed in an email something wrong is and I’ll ring her to explain next week. She has replied saying in the call we can arrange to meet. That is not an option. Am I wrong to not offer to meet? The point I want to make is that I can’t relate to the friendship and so if we meet at group events, fine but I can’t commit to a one on one friendship. There is no easy way to do this.

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 10/02/2018 15:13

It depends why it's not an option to meet - it's fine to refuse to go out drinking but if it's a choice between meeting for a coffee in the park one last time and explaining what's going on, or keeping her hanging on for a week knowing something's wrong but with no explanation then that does seem a bit unfair.

Fosterdog123 · 10/02/2018 15:18

You're right, there is no easy way to do it but deep breath and tell her how you feel. Far FAR better than just gradually distancing yourself and leaving her wondering.

Original poster
Catinthebath · 10/02/2018 15:22

It’s not an option because meeting up one to one is what I want to stop doing but the suggestion of meeting for coffee is good because it’s not the kind of thing we’ve ever done so of itself sends a message, to back up what I’m going to say. I was naive and unkind to think just backing away without explanation would work. I’ve never had to do this with a platonic friend before

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 10/02/2018 15:46

I suppose it depends on whether she's likely to make a scene in public and whether you feel you can cope with that? Ideally you should do it face to face, but the alternative is to write her an email laying it all out. She can't twist it with your mutual friends if you do that.

You may need to block her, at least for a while.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
Catinthebath · 10/02/2018 15:51

Thanks Lizzie. I’ll at least do her the courtesy of a voice call. She will not want to let go of our friendship (she has lots of other friends but is strangely proprietorial over me which is part of the problem) and so the call ending may be difficult. I wouldn’t want to upset her in public

OP posts:
Shednik · 11/02/2018 21:00

Do you think she has an alcohol problem and needs help? Would you be able to support your old friend rather than turn your back? Do the reasons you valued the friendship in the first place still stand?

Original poster
Catinthebath · 12/02/2018 17:05

shednik I thought about that but no, I think alcohol amplifies certain character traits. I have turned a blind eye to her character for many years (bad behaviours directed at mutual friends rather than me) but can no longer. I don’t enjoy spending time with her and our lives are very different now

OP posts:
babayjane67 · 12/02/2018 17:45

I have an old friend I've known for same amount of time&I've also outgrown her.
Alcohol always plays a big part in what she does& I used to be a heavy drinker through her for a few years.
I've backed off alot& rarely see her now.gine from a weekly thing to maybe once or twice a year.
I had to for my own self& now hardly drink at all.
You have to do what's best for u at the end if the day.

Original poster
Catinthebath · 12/02/2018 17:51

Thanks babay. When I think back, she has for many years been the sole instigator of us meeting up. Life is busy and sometimes stressful and I’ve decided that in my mid 40’s, I’m no longer going to put up with things that don’t work for me

OP posts:
babayjane67 · 12/02/2018 17:53

Good for You!Smile

Autumnchill · 12/02/2018 18:02

Just to repeat the above poster, 'good for you!'

Oblomov18 · 12/02/2018 18:11

I think if you explain what you've said in your OP, it will be fine.

My close friend recently told me she wanted to leave our small friendship group. Not because of me. But for other reasons. Has made me incredibly sad.

But. I respect her view/rights.

Original poster
Catinthebath · 12/02/2018 20:58

Thanks Oblo. I’m sorry about your friend.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 12/02/2018 21:16

You distanced yourself from a friend of over 40 years and hoped she'd take the hint??

Wow. Cruel.

Snowydaysarehere · 12/02/2018 21:22

I emailed my friend and spelled out exactly why I wanted our friendship to end. Asked her not to contact me as I didn't want to put either of us through that. She respectfully didn't try to contact me.

FannytheW0nderDog · 12/02/2018 21:27

You have to meet face to face even if you've not liked her for a long time. A 40+ friendship deserves at least that agonising gut-wrenching explanation. Try to rehearse the different ways in which you will break the news and be prepared for the questions. Please try to be as conciliatory as possible and put it in the light that you've both changed. Don't do as I did with a childhood friend and end it by email or phone call. The least she deserves is some closure. Be prepared for tears and recriminations but make your feelings clear. Best of luck.

FloatingGlasshouse · 12/02/2018 22:07

I’ve just started a similar thread from the other side of the fence - I would say not to underestimate how blindsided she will be.
Ideally, given her the option for a second chance once you’ve explained what your issues with her are. It’s terrible being suddenly dropped with no recourse.

BackInTheRoom · 12/02/2018 22:14

Gosh I wouldn't just sever this long standing relationship. If her behaviour has been called out by someone else it might be worth having a word with her? She might be mortified when you say it and really take it on board especially as you're a long time friend. I'd see what she's got to say before I did any culling.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2018 03:25

Tell her the truth, don't apologize for how you feel, and hold your head high. It's great that you are wise enough to know this relationship doesn't fit into your life anymore.

Original poster
Catinthebath · 13/02/2018 05:59

Thanks all. I plan to tell her that if we’re at group events together then we can catch up (knowing that she’s invited to less and less of them because of repeated offence caused) but meeting up one on one isn’t for me. When we meet alone she’s perfectly fine with me but I can’t overlook how offensive she’s been to one friend in particular with whom I’m extremely close. That aside, I struggle for conversation now our lives are in different places. There are only so many times you can build a conversation around the daft antics we got up to 25 years ago. If I continued to see her alone it would be out of a sense of duty alone. I’m absolving myself of that duty now

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 13/02/2018 07:26

But isn't friendship about being honest? If I were in your position, I'd tell her about how unkind you think she's being. This might give her a reality check. Also those memories she brings up are foundations, a shared past. There's a thread on here from someone about not having childhood friends and this person feels sad about the lack of friends.

I had a friend who repeated stuff all the time and brings up antics. One day I told her it grated on me and she was shocked but agreed with me! She addressed the issue and we continue to be great mates.

Original poster
Catinthebath · 13/02/2018 07:42

Bib you are very right. This friend had to be removed from a mutual friend’s wedding last year. A few months later the husband of one of the friendship group pulled her aside and told her she was an absolute disgrace, and she acknowledged that it was surprising anyone was talking to her. But she has never apologised to the bride. Another friend pulled her up on her using behaviour and her free loading which isn’t connected to her drinking. I will explain the source of my issues which was behaviour at my house but directed at the friend who is the bride mentioned (there are issues of jealousy, insecurity). Perhaps I say I need time away from seeing her one on one and then see how things go. But right now I can’t socialise with her and pretend enjoying it. Thanks for the very wise words and perspectives all x

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 13/02/2018 07:45

Wow. You've avioded calling her out on her drunken behaviour now you want to drop her without closure after 40 years. Please tell her it's about her problem drinking. She may not appreciate it now but it may help her in the long run. It sounds like you're very conflict avoidant.

Dozer · 13/02/2018 07:56

Your decision is fair enough but the way you’ve done it is unkind.

You haven’t yet told her properly that you no longer want to be friends or explained the things she’s said and done that have been a factor in this decision. This will make it harder for her to reflect on her behaviour.

Not wanting to meet her face to face because that’s what you want to avoid in future isn’t a strong reason. It wouldn’t be a pleasant meeting but it’d be far worse for her than for you.

Please don’t use the awful phrase “outgrown the friendship” or that you’re deigning to talk to her in company if/when you email, speak to or see her.

Dozer · 13/02/2018 08:00

Telling your soon to be ex friend that you will not meet her one to one but will still see her at group events is insulting and hurtful. Just say you no longer wish to be friends and why.