How to deal with a friendship outgrown

[Catinthebath]

I’ve outgrown a 40+ year old friendship but my friend hasn’t. The only thing I have is nostalgia. Friend has behaved very badly towards mutual friends and her behaviour has been called out, I’ve avoided calling her out for too long on poor behaviour towards friends in my home. Alcohol is a feature of a lot of this behaviour. I was cowardly and hoped she’d take the hint from my countless excuses not to meet up but she hasn’t and now definitely knows something is wrong. Her behaviour has amplified the fact that I had outgrown the friendship. I’ve confirmed in an email something wrong is and I’ll ring her to explain next week. She has replied saying in the call we can arrange to meet. That is not an option. Am I wrong to not offer to meet? The point I want to make is that I can’t relate to the friendship and so if we meet at group events, fine but I can’t commit to a one on one friendship. There is no easy way to do this.

Thankyou for replying and not being shitty. It does sound like she has a chip on her shoulder. Its done now but i guess i would have just cooled things off over time but you clearly felt the need to draw a line.

I think the issue is after reading your reply is that you share mutual friends and I guess will still continue to see her socially.

I agree that the chat comment was awful. I managed to miss that despite rtft.

Actually I concur and admire your latest statement. I wish I could be more like that

*chav

I think that you have handled a difficult situation in a very kind and mature way

It wasn’t easy doing it lem, I’m bad at confrontation and asserting myself but I felt at this point in life I needed to start taking control.

I did try to just cool things but she realised I was and pushed harder to continue the friendship. I realised it was never just going to fade without a line being drawn. I told her that if we bump into each other or at a gathering with other friends, we’ll chat perfectly normally but having a one to one friendship is no longer part of the picture.

Thank you for your comments x

Thanks pram. No matter what anyone has done I would never try to cause hurt in response.

I think you’ve done the right thing. And in the right way too. I do wonder what makes her behave that way - is it attention seeking? Or thinking she is being funny when it’s actually inappropriate? She sounds very socially awkward somehow.

NC for this as could be outing.

springydaffs I also boggle at the idea that anyone can 'outgrow' a 40-year friendship.

I actually wonder how people keep friendships going with someone they met at 5, yes there is shared memories and history, but we all change so much as life progresses.

Some of my oldest friends are uni friends. One in particular that is a close friend, again our lives have gone in different directions (she career, married but no DC through choice, drinks extensively - suspect stress related). My career less intense, esp after having kids, was never really a big drinker but less as I get older and cant take it.

We have always made jovial jokes via text (don't live close) about difference in drinking - she thinks I am weird, I think drinking the large amounts she does in a week isn't normal. However, last time we met I felt her attitude was turning into bullying. We were with 2 others, pre-xmas get together, overnight. I was starting with what I thought was a cold (but turned into nasty chest infection) and was taking paracetamol to keep headache/sore throat at bay.

I had a drink in afternoon, but by the time we had evening meal just wanted a small amount of wine and lots of water. She went on and on about me having to finish my glass and then have it topped up, and even told the waiter they were having problems making me drink my wine. ☹️I really did feel bullied. This went on back at hotel with the (very large) nightcaps. We are in our 50s FFS.

I wouldn't drop the friendship, for many reasons, but this has really made me consider what I get out of it. Like a pp said, most of conversation over years has been about her career, I don't think she's ever asked about mine. I will certainly restrict the number of times we are together where drink can be consumed in future, which in itself is sad.

Op I don't think I could have stayed friends with your friend, given some of her behaviour. You did the right thing.

That really was awful, @Sophiesdog11 I agree that it's a form of bullying. It sounds like you make her uncomfortable about how much she herself is drinking, hence her wanting to make you drink more. I've also been the only sober person in a group on a night out, and it's often a very uncomfortable experience, with a lot of pressure to drink more than you want to.

It might help to be a designated driver? That way you have a cast iron reason not to drink. Or meet her for a coffee during the day instead?

But I personally don't see the need to 'end' a friendship as such, it causes unnecessary stress and burns bridges. I have friends from different times in my life. I'm still close to some, others just Christmas cards and Facebook. I'm always amazed at the angst about it in some Mumsnet threads.

Having said that, it sounds like the OP had no option as this 'friend' was hassling her and she'd had enough of it. In your case, you could challenge her about the bullying or just cool the friendship and see if she pushed to see you more often.

But friendships should be fun and supportive, not causing you stress.

Lizzie48 - unfortunately we live quite a distance apart, so generally we do an overnight trip somewhere, and coffee only is out of question (she would probably choose a wine bar anyway to have alcohol!).

The others we meet with do drink, but not as heavy as her, but it is always me that gets the comments. I can take it as light-hearted banter, but it did really overstep the mark in December. I have a local friend who is teetotal, I would never dream of commenting to her.

Unfortunately I think it will impact our friendship in years to come, as we all retire and can meet more often/stay at each others houses with OHs. We rarely do that at present, when they did come to us not long ago, they had a significant amount of wine in the first 2hrs, whilst DH and I sipped a glass and cooked dinner.

I then had to cope with her DH, opinionated even when sober, trying to psychoanalyse my relationship with my family (which they've always known was difficult, had got more so and then mum died). It really upset me. DH suggested a repeat this summer, which I am not keen on!

I think we will be near their house in early summer, so will meet then, but will be driving if our present plans stay the same (she did offer us accommodation but I explained we had alternative and why).

I'm wondering what you're getting out of the friendship at all tbh. They both sound like a pain in the arse.

I had a friend from uni who I stayed in touch with out of habit really. In the end it fell apart (because I stupidly lent her money which she never paid back), but it would have been better to end it years before, it would have been much less hurtful.

I stepped back and looked at how busy I am in life - full time demanding job, teenage son studying GCSEs, a lovely man in my life and I realised that I struggle to make quality social time for friends and family who I love and care about and whose company I enjoy immensely. That was what girded me into no longer going through the motions of spending time with this friend. The years that have gone before didn’t come into it.

She has her good points too. I think I would find it hard if we lived closer but the distance helps, we generally meet for a girls night a couple of times a year, sometimes it is a day trip - which helps the drinking scenario as then I am driving.

I think next time we have an overnight stay I will send a light hearted text asking her not to nag me to drink, hopefully she will get the message.

There are reasons we are still friends, and I would definitely be the loser in terms of wider group if I said something to end it. This was the first time her drinking comments were excessive, not sure why. But yes, I think there is a truth in her not facing up to her own drinking.

It just feels sad that as we approach retirement, when we will all have more time spare, and could spend more time together as couples, I am not sure I will want to do that. I know my PIL have loved spending time with their old school & uni friends and distant relatives since retirement.

lizard I think Lem hit the nail on head, I think my friend has a chip on her shoulder. It’s strange though because out of the group of friends, I am the highest earner (we don’t compare salaries but due to the different sectors we work in, it’s just a fact) and she likely the lowest. She has no issue with me at all, never tried to free load off me but does with the others. Friends have commented that it’s as if the length of our friendship somehow validates her. She mentions it to anyone who’s listening. My friend articulated it far better than I could. I don’t know but there has always been a real difference in her treatment of me compared to the others. She was fairly privileged, I was not but we both went to a primary school in an affluent area whereas our friends all originated from an area that was considered deprived. We all came together at secondary school. There is some psychology in this I guess. I do feel very relieved.

The text sounds the right strategy sophie. Or you could just laugh and say “will you bloody well shut up about booze!”

It's not an easy thing to do but your actual message is incredibly simple and clear "I no longer enjoy your company or feel close to you because of the things you have said to x and y and the way you behaved at the wedding. So from my point of view it makes no sense to meet up one to one any more, I'm sorry."

I would be fine putting that in an email if you don't want to meet up face to face or phone her. She sounds pretty awful so why would you feel bad about putting a bit of distance between you?

@catinthebath thanks for the thoughts. Either way at least you had a conversation as ghosting would be very cruel indeed. I'm sure it was very difficult and hopefully she might go and apologise for her behaviour. Also to say that you have no issues being civil if out and about is the adult thing to do. There is nothing worse being in the same room and someone can't even say hi . My ex pal did that to us at parents evening even tho she was standing with everyone but I just went up and said hi as it really was unbearable. Anyway sounds like you made a good job of a rubbish situation x

3 days have passed and she’s made no attempt to contact those she offended despite her saying offending them was the last thing she’d have wanted to do, so the door is closing more fully for me now.

Do the offended friends know that you were going to cut her off, op?

cert I told them I had had the conversation so they were prepared for any contact. These were the two brides and one of them was also subject to the chav comment.