In a horrible situation - newbie need sorting out!

[lucia1968]

I'm new here and need some mumsnet advice on this horrible situation. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage. I have been with my current partner for 10 years - all fine and dandy...or so i thought.
about a month ago he announced that he was bored, bored with his life. he had been a bit distant so i thought maybe he was stressed. I looked at his phone, and saw the following stuff on google...

1. how to know if a woman fancies you x 10 searches
2. flats to rent ( multiple times)
3. Googling a female colleague ( he is her boss) multiple times
4. doing a star sign compatibility test x 3
5. holidays alone

He has also been going out a lot more than ususal.

he told me he was going out with friends from work so when he got back i looked on his phone ..... a whatsapp said.....
"I had an amazing time tonight , your friends are weird but fun.... see you in a few hoursX"
she sent one back See you in a few hours xxxx

So, i kept it quiet and watched the whatsapp.... she whatsapps him all the time.... all day on her day off!!.so i called him out on it.. he said he wants to be single but denied any relationship with her saying they are 'friends' and that i should trust him. So i said about the google stuff and the whatsapp message and he went crazy! so we had a big fight and essentially he had one foot out the door, he begged me to let him stay till he found an apartment. so i did. he started looking and found that non are furnished ( he lives in my house - not married) and it is really expensive. so he said he wanted to fix things with us.... this means me trusting him.
he has locked me out of his media, laptop and changed all his passwords.... i know i shouldn't snoop and i have never done it before but my gut was churning..
He is going away on business with his colleague for a bloody week to Sweden... am i being paranoid or should i just boot him out ... help me!!

You know the answer to this one.

Oh god of course you boot him out!! You want him to stay with you just because he can’t afford to leave?

He won’t stop seeing her and he won’t start loving you again. Sorry

So he couldn’t find a suitable place to move so now he expects to be able to stay with you while carrying on exactly as before. Fuck that shit, boot him out. Now!

Oh my god, kick him out!! He doesn’t want to be with you he’s using you. Someone who betrayed your trust like that would not then go and change all their passwords to keep you out!! He’s basically going to continue doing what he was doing behind your back until he has money to move somewhere. How childish is the horoscope test?? Sounds like a teenager.

Kick him out.

He's using you as a place to stay because he can't afford to move out. As soon as his situation changes, he'll be gone!

If he genuinely wanted to fix things between the 2 of you, he would have given you access to his phone etc to prove he could be trusted and had nothing to hide, not changed all his passwords and blocked your access!

Sounds to me like he is involved with this colleague. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back from Sweden and moves in with her.

Kick him out before he completely screws you over.

He needs to go! He's using you to keep a roof over his head. Get rid now, trust me you will be a million times happier than you would if you let him stay. You'd never trust him again, you'd be constantly worried every time he left the house and having to check his phone. It's no life.

Do yourself a favour and tell him to leave x

Boot him out. He's a pisstaker. Give him 1 weeks notice and tell him to GTFO. No furniture? Not your problem.

What a twat .... Show him the door

Change the locks while he is in Sweden.
Pack up all his stuff and kick him the fuck out.
He is taking the serious piss out of you right now and you are letting him.
Get him gone.

He needs to understand what he has done has consequences.
Right now he's had none.
He carries on with her and you carry on washing his skiddy undies!
Stop doing it!

lucia1968, read your own post back, as if you were reading it about someone else and think what you'd advise them to do.

FWIW, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sounds like he's walking all over you, my heart goes out to you, you know the answer to your question deep down, trust your instinct and get shut of him before he hurts you worse than he already has.

10 years is a long time - he seemed genuinely sorry for upsetting me. I read it back and I know what I would say but I’m so in the middle of it I can’t see properly.

THATs what I said to of him about the horoscopes thing. I didn’t really want him to go as I though I could fix it but he has told me he is not having an affair. I think it’s a emotional affair and I’m Sweden he will fuck her. The awful thing is that she is really unattractive

He doesn't want to be with you.
You are his back up plan.
Don't be anybody's back up plan - EVER!!!

Kick him out - he only wants to stay because he can't afford not to. That's not your problem.

He can rent unfurnished and start collecting furniture on Gumtree etc, and Ikea is really cheap.

Hold your head up, be strong and tell him to go (perhaps he could move in with her until he can afford his own place!!)

He only changed his tune about leaving once he realised he couldn't afford it. He is having an affair with this woman whether emotional or physical. He's locked you out of all social media and changed passwords.

Yes, 10 years is a long time but he is not going to change now. He may have seemed sorry and wanting to fix things but he realty is he's just doing what suits him for now. I don't know how you'd ever trust him again, frankly. Tell him to get to fuck and STOP being a doormat.

He's sorry he was found out. And that he will need to find somewhere else to live.

You deserve better than this.

Sorry he is having an affair but is backtracking just cause if the cost the rent for a flat.
You are worth more than a few 100 pounds a month.

Don't fall for that bollox, it's only because he's realised that moving out is going to be a) expensive and b) a hassle.

Please boot him out and hold onto your self-respect.

Get him to leave now, don't let him use you until he find some where.

He can sofa surf at hers, after all that's what friends do for each other.

Financially do you have access to savings?

He is waiting for her to invite him to move in with her. He'll be much more attractive to her as 'forbidden fruit' who has another woman in love with him than dumped, broke and living in a bed sit.

he said he wanted to fix things with us.... this means me trusting him.
he has locked me out of his media, laptop and changed all his passwords

Sorry but this is evidence that he is talking total rubbish. If he was serious he would be totally transparent and let you into everything. He's still having an affair with her.

So he's only there cos he can't afford to move out and on realising it, he decided to sweet talk you into letting him stay and you believed it? You didn't think he just wanted someplace to stay?

And what do you mean she's really unattractive. He clearly doesn't think so.

He's using you for a place to stay. He says he wants to be single, that means moving out. You deserve so much better. If he really wanted to 'fix' things he'd try and rebuild your trust not change all his passwords.

Call a friend or family member, pack up his stuff and either deliver it to his family or if that's not possible have it waiting for him when he returns, he can go stay with the Whatsapp friend.